If I Can't Have You
by Kerrys2Boys
Summary: Hutch is still recovering from his heroin ordeal. He is getting stronger and finding his way back into his role as detective sergeant, undercover. Just as well because an old friend from the boy's past is back and Starsky will need all of Hutch's reserves and more. This is a joint effort between myself and BrookGirl/Brook5 . This story is followed by Then Neither Can He.
1. Chapter 1

**Hutch is still recovering from his heroin ordeal. He is getting stronger and finding his way back into his role as detective sergeant, undercover. **

**Just as well because an old friend from the partners' past is back and Starsky will need all of Hutch's reserves and more.**

**This is a joint effort between myself and BrookGirl/Brook5 ….she has many personas. Readers will recall her work with other authors such as the wonderful Kirsty Welsh and ShawnetillDawne.**

**Fandom united!**

**Thanks Brook. Let us know if you like our stuff and we will gladly keep trying to bring new productions to your inbox.**

**This is a chapter story. Neutral POV (at this point) and third person. **

**Disclaimer: I have no rights whatsoever to Starsky and Hutch or their creators. My stories are purely for entertainment purposes.**

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter One**

He wondered now if he had ever said anything way back, way back when it had first happened, whether it might have changed the course of things for them both.

Fact is he hadn't.

Fact is he would never really know.

Hutch would always, always carry the regret and the guilt for having kept quiet about it all.

Starsky was the one who suffered because he hadn't.

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo**

"Now don't go gettin' any smart ideas Hutch that ya' goin' to roll with me this week. Remember I'm lettin' ya back here on one condition. Desk work only ya hear? Nothin' else. No drivin', no runnin', no shootin' and no fightin'.

Get it big boy?"

Starsky pushed the squad room door open as he gave his long-term partner a stern look. Starsky's long-term partner gave him back a look that was as frustrated as Starsky's was stern.

"Oh, so while I 've been away I see you've risen to the mighty ranks of Captain of Detectives Starsk? Was that a self promotion or did you win the position with your great skills of annoying the hell of everyone till they locked you in your own separate office?"

"Hey! Hey! Don't try to change the subject or make me lose my point here by bein' a smartass Hutchinson. Fact is I'm ya partner and fact is I get to say what is best for ya'."

This last comment was made as they were pulling off their jackets and tossing them over the backs of their office chairs.

_Just like any normal day back in the squad room Hutch thought…but its not. _

Starsky was busy looking at the desks and his face took on a guilty look. Hutch followed the direction of his partner's gaze and as his own eyes alighted on what Starsky was currently taking in, he raised one eyebrow at his dark haired friend.

Starsky knew that one eyebrow look and instantly knew that it was not a good sign. He hurried on before Hutch could speak.

" Besides…I ahhhh..have got a little bit behind in the reports over the past coupla weeks and well…"

He looked sheepishly now at a toppling pile of files that covered Hutch's side of the desk. He cringed as one of files crashed to the floor as he spoke.

"Well, we both know that ya' love doin' reports and stuff " when he saw his partner's face darken he was quick to add "and oh yeah, we both know ya' so good at 'em Hutch. Way better than me."

Nope, his weakened partner still looked pretty pissed off. For someone who was supposed to be still worn down by the recent events – who _was_ worn down by recent events, he was looking sufficiently pissed to worry even his healthy, strong partner.

For added safety and in the interest of ensuring that his own healthy body remained intact, Starsky pulled out all the stops.

"Way, way better. Faster at typin' too and smarter with the words and stuff…."

"Starsky"

"And well ya' know Dobey prefers your style of reports…ya' don't put any of those stupid car descriptions and stuff in and –"

"Starsky" louder now.

This was not going to work Starsky thought.

"Its not working Starsky. "

"Oh well, then …" he switched back to his tough partner act. " Don't matter what ya' think about the idea anyway, that's the way we're gonna play it – or I can take ya' back home right now. Got it Hutch? I'm serious here"

He pushed his face up close to his partners and tried his best to look threatening and mean. Which was really hard given that in the past weeks all he had wanted to do was protect and care for his partner. To take away some of Hutch's pain and anguish at having gone through a withdrawal from heroin, losing his girlfriend and having his career threatened.

All because some punk drug king had punished the shit out of him with the needle in order to get him to sell out on the woman who had wanted to be with Hutch instead of him.

Hutch had been to hell and Starsky had gone part of the way with him over the past weeks. Watching his best friend struggle, fight, push against the sheer torture of withdrawal and the lure of addiction had truly been hell on earth.

As Starsky took stock of his best friend now he was secretly appalled at the changes in him. He was thinner than he had ever been, his tall frame was more stooped, his face gaunt, his sky blue eyes often took on a haunted, fearful light to them as if he sensed threats from every new stimulus. Even his white blond hair seemed not to glow so brightly.

It made Starsky sick.

It made him want to beat his fist into a wall and pretend it was Forrest's face. It made him want to shoot Monk again although he had already killed him once. There just wasn't enough of the accountable parties around on whom he could vent his fury.

So instead he had been doing a great job on suffocating Hutch with his overprotectiveness.

There was a problem though. Hutch was trying to get back on his feet and he nolonger needed or wanted his partner's protective shield. And so, with no heads to bust and a friend who refused any more caring, Starsky was left feeling inadequate.

But he couldn't do this anymore to Hutch. He had worn them both down with his constant worrying about Hutch's recovery and the anger he harbored for what had been done to him at the hands of Forrest and his men.

He knew that Hutch wanted to start to put it all behind him and he knew that his own hyper protectiveness was not helping him. In the end he had conceded that it was probably best for Hutch to return to work. He had put him off now for a whole week. Hutch refused any more time at home…he wanted back on the force and he needed to feel that his job was going to be ok given the prejudicial experience he had gone through.

A heroin junkie on the force was not good. Hutch needed to prove to himself that he could step up to the plate and show himself, his partner and his Captain, that he was not compromised by what had been done to him.

"_I cannot let that fucking needle take anymore from me Starsky! You have got to agree to let me back and soon!"_

That had been last week and Starsky had finally relented. He agreed that today would be the day Hutch could return. Not of course that it was Starsky's decision, but both men knew that in their relationship, all decisions were dependent on how the other felt about them. What affected one affected the other. Their closeness was so tight that actions, behaviors and decisions on life tended to be mutually acceptable , palatable and workable for them both.

Starsky was jolted back from all of these thoughts that had crowded his mind since Hutch had been abducted. He had to try and cut loose a bit and let his friend have some free rein.

He would be ok he knew – but God it was hard to stop the worrying thoughts.

He was surprised to see that Hutch had just quietly sat down at his desk and had begun pushing things around, sorting out the files and reports.

Now he felt worried that Hutch had relented and accepted his bullying tactic too easily. Had he gone too far?

" So – umm – good. Well I see you're fine with that then Hutch? Good. Good – I knew you'd see sense about those reports and stuff".

His bullying act had died. He was back to worrying.

"Starsky. Just sit down and shut up. I know what you're trying to do and ok I'll play along with the game for now ok? All right I'll stick to the freaking desk for the next few days, no strenuous activities ok? You have my word."

He could see that Starsky was worried as always, and softened at his partner. He spoke more quietly now as others were starting to come in and start their own mornings in the squad room.

"Its ok Starsk. I'm going to be ok." He gave his friend a long encouraging look "We're both going to be ok very soon."

He waited a second and then seeing the other officers and admininstration staff, he changed his tact.

He raised his voice again; purposely letting the other cops hear his words.

"So, if you want me to start going through all of this mess you have accumulated for me while I was off sick, than it is only fair that you go get the coffees. And umm Starsky, pick me up a tuna and mayo sandwich while you are down in the cafeteria hey?"

He winked at his friend who realized the ever-smart mouthed blond had tricked him. "You know I am trying to build up after that flu' Starsk…I need all the nourishment I can get. I'll just wait here and make a start on all of this ok?"

As Starsky hummphhedd his way out of the squad room to make good his run to the cafeteria, he smiled to himself.

_Well he may be weaker and he may be skinnier but he sure to hell hasn't lost any condition off of his smart ass! _

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Once the door had swung closed on his partner's back, Hutch exhaled and slumped back in his chair.

_This was going to be hard work. Starsky is going to be hard work._

He turned around now to greet his co-workers, other cops and a couple of office assistants. They had been milling in the background smiling and nodding at him but were approaching him now that Starsky had left his side.

Probably couldn't get near me before he thought, only half in humor.

There were the usual slaps on the back, handshakes and soft punches to the shoulder that were the dialogue of office comraderie. Everyone was being very kind to him, welcoming him back to work after his extended "illness".

A couple of the female staff were all clucky, commenting on how he needed fattening up and how badly the bout of flu' had surely knocked him. The men were also solicitous but less touchy feely and were making jokes about him staying clear of them as they didn't wanted the dreaded bug.

He joked along with them and made as if to pull himself a safer distance from their desks and pulled out his handkerchief to half cover his face. A few coughs and splutters added to the act. Lots of the usual office laughs and innuendos and he played his part well.

_Yep this sure had been one shit of an illness. _

But it wasn't funny and he really didn't feel like laughing. (He half wished now he hadn't sent Starsky off on that errand). Starsky would know how to deal with these first awkward moments back when everyone wanted a bit of him and he felt he was being dissected and examined under a microscope. Felt that if they looked too closely they could easily see the truth.

_See the scars of my needle tracks._

He was terrified they would see the truth.

He wanted to scream at their well-intentioned jibes –

"_I haven't had the flu, a virus or any contagious or medical illness. Can't get what I've had from air borne particles. _

_This illness comes on the end of a hot needle. This illness rips out your soul and your brain. It's a bad one boys._

_ Pray it never happens to you. Pray no one ever ties you down and pumps you full of heroin for days on end until you are begging and frothing at the mouth for it._

_Pray they then don't leave you strung out and you have to scrape yourself up off the ground because there isn't anymore juice to be had, no more beautiful juice filling your veins to take away the want that is eating you from inside out. "_

Someone was mentioning Starsky's name now and he tried to focus on his audience and look the part. At Starsky's name he added another very important piece of silent advice to his peers.

"_Pray you have a partner like Starsky to save you from yourself."_

It was over. They were all settling down at their desks again, getting on with their day and moving on.

Life was like that of course.

He needn't have worried. In the end, people just focus on the the humdrum crap of everyday life and small blips like him being away and coming back were just that … small blips.

Five minutes ago he thought he was going to have a full blown panic attack with everyone crowding him for explanations. Now it was business as usual and he blurred into the fabric of the squad room just like he did on any other normal work day.

For the first time in a week he stopped worrying about his job and how it was going to fall back into place.

_So what? Three weeks ago you were a junkie! No big deal. Now lets get back to work._

Ok, he was getting there. This was coming together_._

_Maybe what he'd said to reassure Starsky was true. He __wa__s going to be ok._

Feeling freer and more like his old self in weeks, he pulled the first pile of files over closer to him. May as well start looking over these and cross-referencing them with the list of outstanding reports that shone like a beacon on top of the pile. The list was written in bold red capitals, some with asterixes against the names. He recognized Dobey's big looping letters. No doubt he would have been riding Starsky for the reports for weeks. He immediately recognized two of the case names as being undercover jobs that he and Starsky had worked on before he was "indisposed"…that fateful day he left the office early to get ready for his hot date with Jeannie. No wonder Dobey had used asterixes Hutch thought.

The enormity of the paper tasks ahead of him came into view. It was obvious that Starsky was not only "behind" with his paper work but that in all probability he had done zilch, zero….NO paperwork at all in his absence.

"Bloody Starsky" he muttered to no one in particular but he noticed a few smirks from the sidelines. He tried to ignore the smothered laughs that went with the smirks.

Everyone knew about Starsky and paperwork.

Fifteen minutes or more had past and Starsky still hadn't returned with the real coffee he now desperately needed. It was getting to the point that he might have to resort to the squad room bitter brew. He looked over at the warming pot where is sat near Dobey's door.

The first meeting back with Dobey was another hurdle and he would not broach it until Starsky was by his side. Starsky had already filled him in on the fact that Dobey was ensconced in a meeting with another captain from the nineteenth precinct this morning and therefore he was not surprised that he had not surfaced to greet him a welcome back.

As he was thumbing through the filing cabinet, pen in his mouth and list in his hand, he heard the squad door open again. Thinking it was Starsky he turned to make a smart comment about death from coffee deprivation, when he saw him.

A face he knew, a face he didn't much like and a face that he would prefer was not here in_ his _squad room.

The man in question saw him too and after a few casual greetings with the other cops, made his way over to the filing cabinet and Hutch.

_Still got the bloody cocky stride and jumped up arrogance about him. Someone should have beaten it out of him by now._

"Hello Hutch. Long time no see."

"Ryan, what brings you here?"

_As if I care._

Hutch looked at him now and thought that in the year or more since he had last seen him at some departmental meeting or whatever, that he hadn't changed. Hutch was sure that Ryan was probably thinking the exact opposite about him knowing what a former shadow of himself he now presented.

He could see the other man assessing him though his eyes were hard to read. Those dark brown eyes..too dark really, almost black were hooded under a heavy brow.

He was tall, probably Hutch's height, but with a strong muscular build. He was bigger than a lot of the guys in the force and he was known for his pride in his stature and physique. He spent long hours at the academy gym when they were younger Hutch remembered now. Always pumping himself up with iron. His hair was black to match his eyes and he wore it long like most of them did now, and combed back in a straight black sheet from the heavy dark brows. The effect meant that his dark eyes were the first place a person looked as with no hair falling across his forehead it was hard not to focus on those black inky pools.

The clothes he wore were more upmarket than anything either he or Starsky dressed in on the job. Quality and class was evident in the cut of his trousers and the sheen of the fabric in his shirt.

Undercover cop or not, it seemed to the blond detective that unless he was undercover in a high end fashion designer murder case or extortion racket of the rich and famous, he would not have blurred too well with the local players.

Ryan put his hand on the other detective's shoulder as a way of greeting. Hutch had to try hard not to reflexively pull away. He looked at the other man's hands. He remembered them for some strange reason. In comparison to his thick body, he had long tapering fingers and fine boned hands. Not a good hand for making a fist. Not a good hand for throwing a punch. Very distinctive hands that Hutch always remembered.

It was apparent that the man felt the blond's antipathy – Hutch's subtle conveyance of dislike and distrust of this dark haired intruder. And in sensing it he pulled his hand back after only a second and looked at the blond with some sort of silent understanding. In turn Hutch looked at him.

_I know you know how I feel about you Ryan._

Ryan said nothing about his colleague's changed appearance and this only heightened the wariness in Hutch.

After what seemed a long pause of them both sizing each other up, Ryan answered Hutch.

Ahh…my captain is in here for a meeting with Dobey and I said I would pick him up, give him a lift back to the precinct as I was in the area following up on a lead. He threw his head toward Dobey's door as if he was as familiar with the layout of this squad room as his own.

The implication of the action was not lost on Hutch. He studied the dark man more closely. Not sure what he was trying to see.

"So…." Ryan lifted his arms up to indicate the entire space of the room. "Starsk not here today?"

Hutch cringed at the other man's use of his Starsky's shortened name. He was possessive of this truncated version of his friend's name. No one else in the precinct used it, no one else on the streets…. occasionally Huggy, but only on rare occasions, and that was "kosher" as they were both pretty damn tight with Huggy.

It was a term largely reserved for use only between the two of them.

Hearing this man let it slide out of his thin lips did nothing to raise Hutch's opinion of him.

"Starsky is down in the cafeteria getting us some coffees."

He didn't see the need to expand on that. Didn't want to expand on that.

Ryan pulled out a chair and settled his muscular form into it. He didn't look like he was going anywhere.

"Well I guess he'll be back in a minute and I will catch him. Looks like Dobson is going to be a while yet anyway." He cast another look at the Dobey's door.

_Just what you want on your first day back at work Hutchinson. Ryan fucking Lancaster. Guaranteed to make my day sunnier._

A curse and a yelp at the squad room door was a welcome diversion from the mounting tension between the two men. Starsky backed into the room juggling a tray laden down with coffee cups and food. Napkins and sugar sachets went flying as he righted the precariously tipped tray at the last minute. He turned, victorious that he had navigated the journey from cafeteria to squadroom with most of the tray's contents still in place.

"Hey Hutch, wait till ya' see what I got ya' here. Better than tuna and mayo…well I got ya' that too cos I know you like that stuff, but these Danishes were fresh and so were the donu…"

He stopped midsentence as he was sliding the burgeoning tray onto the desk.

"Hey Ryan Lancaster! Hey man, howya' goin'?" Starsky effusiveness was in direct contrast to his partner's earlier reticent reception to the dark man and likewise Ryan's attitude to Starsky was totally different than he had been with Hutch. He was smiling up at the curly headed detective with open pleasure at seeing him again.

He stood up now as Starsky turned to him his hands now free of the tray. As Starsky went to slap him good-naturedly on the back, Ryan grabbed him into an enthusiastic bear hug. When Starsky pulled back to say something to him Ryan lifted his hand and ruffled his friend's curly hair affectionately.

Hutch said nothing. Just waited.

"So Ryan, what's doin'? What brings ya' to Hutch's and my simple abode?"

"I was just telling Hutch…here to pick up the boss. He's having a D and M with your Dobey. Secret stuff you know. Boring bureacratic shit more likely."

He squeezed Starsky's arm again. "God it's so good to see you again man. Seems like years since the academy and then we never see each other much now we're all detectives." He didn't sweep Hutch into his gaze, thus effectively discounting him in the "we".

Starsky didn't notice but Hutch did.

Starsky laughed. "Of course it seems like years since the Academy. It is! You're not a young pup anymore Ryan. None of us are . We'll be lining up for our pensions soon won't we Hutch? " Starsky laughed, turning from Ryan to his partner, and giving him a private grin. He pushed the tray closer to his partner and picked up his coffee placing it into Hutch's hands.

"Here Hutch…your coffee, while it's hot. There's your tuna sandwich and lots of other stuff if you feel like it."

"Starsky, you were going down to get coffee and a sandwich, not the whole buffet."

"Stop ya' whining will ya'…ya' can't live on that tuna shit, its not proper food."

"Oh and I suppose apple Danish and sugar donuts are."

"Hey I think you know that apart from burritos, they are my staple food."

"Yeah, but you're leaving out pizza, chili dogs and tacos."

"Hutch just eat that damn sandwich and drink your coffee." Starsky fixed his partner with a steely gaze but it was easy to see that he was trying to encourage the blond at the same time.

Ryan's expression as he observed the interplay between the two detectives was hard to gauge – his face reflected amusement but his eyes took on a hooded look.

Anyone looking at his face could have seen that he was trying to work out the two levels of this little play.

They stopped suddenly and looked up. As though they had both felt Ryan's eyes on them.

The dark eyed man quickly recovered his hooded look and gave a half laugh, which to Hutch's ears sounded accusatory.

"What the hell? You two have gotten worse! What are you Starsky, his mother?"

Starsky reddened and gave a loud throat clear that sounded very much like embarrassment.

"Oh well, Hutch is a fussy bastard and prefers to eat live things that are green and fresh…just trying to introduce him to all the good stuff in life."

"Seems to me Starsky you have been doing that now since the Academy. I don't think Hutch here is going to change. But you have got a point…."

And here it comes thought Hutch. He knew that Ryan had been saving up delivery of the line for optimum punch.

"Hutch you look terrible. What the hell? Is this undercover work too much for you?"

Hutch wasn't even going to grace Ryan with an answer. He would easily have made do with an indifferent shrug, leave him hanging.

Starsky jumped into the fray. Hutch wanted to moan.

_Starsky you have to stop this!_

_You can't go around anticipating every comment, defending me against every whisper, every rumor. It will just wear you down. It is already wearing you down._

"Yeah, that's my point Ryan he needs more donuts! Hutch has been decked by this flu. Knocked him for six didn't it Hutch?

_Knocked you for six! That damn near killed you! That bastard Forrest! Knocked you for six and left you for dead. But you didn't die Hutch. You were stonger than that._

Ryan saw again how the two of them kept lapsing into this closed one channeled, two-person unit. He felt superfluous and as he cast his eyes around the squad room he wondered if he was the only one. An attractive uniform with milk chocolate skin and huge brown eyes looked over at them and caught his eye. She seemed almost sympathetic, understanding to his situation.

"Don't ya' pay them no attention now. This is always how they carry on. Day in and day out."

She gave him a sweet smile but Ryan noticed that she gave an even sweeter one to Starsky as she sidled up to him and patted him lightly on the face. Starsky made no hesitation into sliding closer into her flirtatious touch.

"Starsky boy. Leave poor Hutchie alone. Can't ya' see he is tired of your naggin' bout eatin' your damn donuts and such. You're goin' to wear him out more than that darn flu' has done."

Ryan noticed how Starsky was instantly receptive to this woman's touch and words and gave her his own long smile with a cocked eyebrow and a pout to follow.

"Ya' right of course Minnie. He deserves those damn grass sandwiches. I won't waste my donuts on him anymore. But…what da ya' say to you and me finding a quiet corner to ummm….lick the sugar off my….umm, my sweets."

This brought a loud cackle of laughter from the attractive Minnie and she punched Starsky affectionately on the arm as she batted her eyelids at him.

Hutch just rolled his eyes and took a big gulp of his coffee.

Minnie laughed at Hutch's frustration with his partner and leaned over and gave him a soft pat to the blond's cheek. Hutch put his hand up to cover hers.

"He's all yours Minnie, anytime you want him ."

She laughed, a tinkling laugh this time, and walked back toward the door.

Ryan just watched it all. He had enough of this whole show. He was starting to feel like a bit actor who could not manage to get caught in even one quick sweep of the camera lens.

The old anger in him started to rise to the surface.

The semi - arrogant smile that had dominated his features earlier was gone.

Anyone who was really watching could see that in its place was a new look.

A dark and slightly twisted look.

Hutch was watching and he caught the look. He also saw how the look changed when Ryan turned toward Starsky as Minnie walked away.

Starsky was still smiling at Minnie and had turned to Hutch to share the laugh. He did not see Ryan looking at him.

But Hutch did.

He knew what would be on Ryan's face before he saw it.

And what Hutch saw there on the black haired man's face filled him with quiet loathing.


	2. Chapter 2

**"Hutch is devastated that he cannot be with his partner in this case. But Starsky also knows that his partner is not verbalizing what he had sensed in him as soon as the brief had been presented to them. Hutch had not spoken but Starsky heard his thoughts as though they were a roar. **

**Hutch does not want Ryan alongside his partner in this operation. **

**Chapter Two**

Ryan watched, as Minnie walked away "You still haven't lost your touch Starsky".

"Hey I can't help it if I am irresistible to every woman who comes within a one mile radius of me".

Hutch snorted "In your dreams buddy".

Starsky picked up a file from the desk and thwacked his partner gently over the head.

Hutch held up one warning forefinger and then hurled his sandwich wrapper at his partner's face.

Ryan stood up and moved over to the coffee pot, snagging a disposable cup from the shelf. He was over watching these two perform together, but his intentions went unnoticed while the two cavorted.

_It is as if I wasn't here. They fucking don't notice anyone but each other!_

The door to Dobey's office opened and the big black Captain walked out into the squad room. He left his door ajar and Hutch could see an older man sitting in the office opposite Dobey's desk. Ryan's captain he surmised.

Dobey came straight over to the blond detective, with a cursory nod at the detective from the other precinct.

"Hutchinson. Good to have you back son. Starsky tells me that you're feeling fit for work again and that you have finally gotten over that bad flu'".

He extended his hand toward his detective and slapped him on the back with an expression that hinted at his fondness for Hutch. Starsky was all beaming smiles. His partner was back with the big gruff captain of whom they were both respectful and fond …as fond as two guys could be for a boss who often gave them hell.

"Yep Capn' and he is more than happy to spend the week getting' on top of these reports that ummm…. that we didn't get done before he got laid up."

Hutch scowled at his partner "Yeah right Starsk. Not to mention the twenty or more that you have outstanding."

Used to this banter from his two men Dobey and took little notice.

Hutch acknowledged his captain. "Thanks Captain. Yeah, much better thanks. It's good to be back. I was getting tired of a certain nursemaid and twenty-four hour cartoons. It will be good to have some adult company again."

Starsky just grinned inanely. "Nothin' wrong with some light entertainment Hutch. Helped ya' to recover."

Dobey was taking in Ryan.

"Detective Lancaster. Dobson thought you would be here."

The two shook hands but Hutch had the distinct impression the two had meant recently.

"Ok men, could the three of you come into my office now? There is a case developing and we need to talk strategy"

Starsky immediately looked at his partner. He seemed as surprised as Hutch looked but when Hutch looked at Ryan his face was neutral.

The two partners looked at each other.

"_Does he know about this?"_

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

Hutch who had been perched on the arm of Starsky's chair, walked over to the window now, looked out and then walked back towards his partner. Starsky's eyes did not miss the way Hutch started rubbing roughly at the inside of his forearm in an increasingly agitated motion. Trying to rub away the scars of what has been done to him. He has watched Hutch do this many times in the past weeks and if the other men had not been in the room he would have gone to him as he had done many times recently. He would have pulled the tearing hands away and just held them firmly until his friend calmed. Until the fear and loathing of what had been done to him was dulled by his presence. But he couldn't do that now and so he just watched while Hutch tore at himself and felt sicker and sicker.

Hutch was speaking then.

"I don't like this Starsky. I don't want you doing this."

The blonde detective was addressing his partner and yet the recent directive and dialogue had come from his captain and the captain from the nineteenth precinct. Starsky had not even spoken.

The two men were regarding each other in a visual exchange that effectively locked out everyone else in the room.

In Dobey's office the two captains had spent the last fifteen minutes or so outlining a proposal for an undercover operation that's motive was to continue to prise open operations of a drug syndicate in their city and cities further south along the west Californian coast. There had been an ever increasing creep into the cities across the border and up the coastline and the marketing and distribution of cocaine was reaching epidemic proportions. In the past weeks the LAPD had staged several central departmental meetings to chart up a strategic joint effort to stem the proliferation and insidious corruptible power of these organizations. Thousands of man-hours had gone into assessing the viability of infiltrating the local arms of the syndicate with the aim of unhinging one of the chains of power. The aim being of course, to take out the very foundations underpinning the top players and therefore inevitably deliver up the guilty parties.

Dobson had outlined to the two detectives from Park Central the undercover operation that his own precinct had been running for the past weeks. The situation was escalating. One good cop was down, killed in the undercover op and Dobson and the Commissioner had contacted Dobey about bringing in some of his precinct's men to ramp up the inside heat. Enter Starsky and Hutch. Hutch however was out for the count – Dobson was given only the information he needed as to why.

His man Ryan Lancaster, a peer of the other two detectives was an obvious choice as Starsky's new sidekick.

Hutch could now see that his observations of Ryan were correct. His distinct feelings that the other detective had been here recently to meet with Dobey was very likely to be the case. He must have attended one or more preliminary meetings while he was on leave and Starsky had been spending time with him at home. It made him wonder why Ryan couldn't have mentioned to the two of them earlier when he had the chance. Why the big secrecy? Right now however that was not what was foremost on his mind.

The set up was.

Hutch continued.

"It leaves him wide open. I won't have it."

Hutch turned then and directed this last missive to the two Captains.

Starsky just gave him a light shrug of his shoulders and try to reassure his partner with his eyes.

He looked as though he was trying to sort through his own thoughts on the matter while still being mindful of how his partner was taking the information.

Dobey gave Hutch a long careful look.

"I'm sorry Hutchinson, but this case has just come up and the nineteenth precinct needs a man to go in with Detective Ryan. We could have taken the case for them, but knowing that you are still not well enough for an undercover assignment of this caliber, and Starsky will need some back up, it makes sense to put the two men together on this one. You will be essential in coordinating the case from headquarters. I think you know that it is too risky to put you under."

Dobey felt Starsky's eyes burning into him.

"….Ah, with your poor health and doctors orders and all of that."

He could see his two men looking at each other and communicating in their usual silent way. The pregnant pause hung in the air. Dobey, Ryan and Dobson watching the two partners, the two partner watching each other.

"Captain its just not how we like to work and you know that . Starsky gets backed up on big cases by me. We don't spilt up on this sort of stuff."

"Look Hutchinson do you think I need you to tell me how you two work? After all these years? Of course its not how you work, but this time its gonna be how you work. The case is busting right open, we need men in now. You are not fit. Ryan here is. Starsky needs a partner. End of story. "

He was about to slap his big meaty hand down on the desk in his preferred form of emphasis, but cut himself short.

" Look I'm sorry, Hutch I know this is a blow for you now you've just got back to work …but it is out of my control."

"Captain, this is not about me _just_ getting back to work, nor is it about me _not_ being put on an undercover case." He eyes swung to Starsky.

"This is about my partner going in alone!"

Ryan's chair was forcibly scraped back as he sprung to his feet, his eyes dark as he spat at Hutch.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Hutchinson! And who the hell am I hey? The departmental janitor? What is it with you? Can't trust anyone else to work with your partner?"

He whirled now to Starsky who so far had still said nothing, his eyes trained on Hutch.

He didn't respond to Ryan but put his hand on Hutch's arm.

"Dobey's right Hutch. It makes sense. The case has to be worked and ya' know I wouldn't want ya' out on the streets and particularly undercover in such a dangerous situation – not while – not until ya' get your strength back. Too dangerous for you, and hey too dangerous for both of us. Ya' know Dobey has gotta do what he has to with the top brass. It'll be ok, all work out for the best."

He looked over now at Ryan and whether consciously or not stepped between his partner and the other detective who was staring hard at Hutch.

"Ryan here is happy to put himself on the line so least I can do is accept his offer. "

He saw that Ryan was getting agitated and did not want a scene to break between him and his partner. Hutch was just not ready for any of this yet.

"Hey, 'bout time the nineteenth did a bit of real work undercover anyway. I think we have tallied up a hell of a lot more jobs than them in the past year or so…. Ah no offence intended Captain Dobson."

"None taken Starsky, just as long as you are joking. I've already lost one good cop to this operation".

"Oh Christ…." Hutch turned his angry face back to the window. "Now I feel so much better!"

Starsky squeezed Hutch's shoulder and looked at Dobson " Of course Capn', just tryin to lighten the mood here." He added "For all our sakes".

"Look men I need to wrap this up now and get back to my headquarters. We'll run this as a co-ordinated effort between the two precincts. Captain Dobey and I will have full access to the entire operation and Detective Hutchinson I am happy for you to be on the case too as an outside contact for the two men should there be any need. We need to hop into this one yesterday as I have the Commissioner breathing down my neck. We have already lost one officer on this one and I sure as hell don't want to lose another."

He waved his hand at his own detective and Starsky. " I expect you two to be ready for a full debriefing later this afternoon with the intention to prepare for taking your positions by no later than tomorrow afternoon. "

He held up his hand to forestall Hutch who was beginning to protest. " I can appreciate that the notice is short but we are working under the gun here.

"Detective Starsky – shall we see you down at the nineteenth in say" he looked at his wristwatch, "four hours – two pm."

It was not a request.

"Lancaster, I need a few more minutes with Captain Dobey and then I will get that lift back to HQ with you."

Dobey nodded at his own men. "I will see you two shortly, don't go anywhere."

Hutch's voice was just short of scathing. "Where the hell do you think I would go? I'm tied to desk duties remember? Can't vouch for my partner though, he could be sent anywhere – at no notice."

He was the first to leave the room and pushed past Ryan as he slammed out of the room.

Starsky followed with a quick nod to Dobson, deferring to his superiority.

Ryan waited until they were both out of earshot and as he too made to leave he remarked to the black captain.

"That's one angry detective you've got in Hutchinson there sir, could be a liability out on the streets. Being sick must have messed him around I'd say. Not terribly objective about his role is he?

Maybe its good after all that I am going to be teamed up with Starsky - for his own safety."

Dobey fixed him with a warning glare.

"Lancaster, you have something to say about my men, you say it to their faces, not to me, unless it concerns fact. Otherwise keep your opinions to yourself! You hear?"

He didn't have a good feeling about this man who he had in fact met now on a couple of occasions as he and Dobson had begun sketching out the case together.

" And, Lancaster, some advice. You will not do yourself any favors trying to wedge yourself between those two. Let that be a warning you do not forget."

Ryan just smiled and walked out of Dobey's office.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOoooOOOooo

When he entered the squad room neither of the other two detectives were there. He scanned the outer office area and then caught sight of Hutchinson's blond head. They were standing near the vending machine, Hutchinson had one arm extended and was leaning into the wall. His stiff back and bent head suggested anger and Starsky was standing beside him, one arm on his shoulder looking tense and worried.

Ryan knew better than to intercept their little session. He already knew Hutchinson would chill him out instantly.

_Plenty of time Hutchinson. Plenty of time. Out of your hands now._

He sat down to wait dutifully for his captain.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

Hutch was tired after his first day back at work and Starsky had expected that. What neither of them had expected was the development that had been thrown at both of them on his first day back at work.

They had returned to Hutch's place after Starsky had finished the briefing over with Dobson and Ryan. It had been one hell of a day and with Hutch not only fatigued from his weakened state, but also wound tighter than a drum over the situation with the new assignment.

They had got through the afternoon, Hutch vacillating between anger and quiet consternation. Starsky just hovered carefully. He had come back from the debriefing over at the nineteenth precinct and was not surprised to find his partner even more pent up.

They had grabbed pizza and a couple of six packs, the mainstay of a busy cop's menu and retreated to Hutch's. Starsky no longer stayed over like he did in the early couple of weeks when his partner was still coming down off the heroin and quietly battling the addiction. Tonight however it seemed a natural progression to chill together. Not, that either of them were achieving much chilling.

Starsky would have liked it if he had time to try to sort out a decent meal for them both as this was going to be their last night together before he went under. But of course he was not the domesticated cook and Hutch was not in the mood for meal preparation. Normally he would have been in charge of the cooking duties and prepared a good round meal on the eve of a big undercover case. It had long been a habit they had followed over the years as detectives.

"Last Supper" had been the standing joke. It was sadly a metaphor very close to reality. In a cop's life, undercover jobs always had the potential for drama, danger and bloodshed. The red wine that they often enjoyed with their meal was almost as symbolic as the bloodshed that often went hand in hand with big operations.

Like this one.

Starsky was glad that they had skipped the red wine for beer tonight. He sure as hell didn't want Hutch thinking about any blood that might get shed in this case...he knew Hutch was already worrying enough.

His anger and frustration had not abated since he had stormed out of Dobey's office following the group meeting.

The whole situation was difficult for both of them. Hutch was pissed off that his body was letting him down and his partner down and Starsky was upset that he was having to leave Hutch to his own devices for weeks, maybe more while this case took shape. At the same time he did not know how else to work it. Even if he wasn't on this undercover case he would not be able to sit with Hutch all day on desk duties, which would just frustrate the hell out of them anyway as it always did when one or the other of them was unable to work the street. Realistically Starsky knew he had to take this assignment and realistically he accepted that Hutch was nowhere near well enough to work it with him.

He did not want Hutch out there, anywhere near the filth of the streets, not yet.

Not yet.

He was still so vunerable and beaten down by what he had gone through. But more so than Hutch being weakened by the abduction and forced addiction and withdrawal of the heroin, there was a greater risk lying in wait for his partner. Starsky would not allow him to walk into that risk. Deskwork might make him stir-crazy but it would keep him safe and his credibility intake.

No one but Dobey, Huggy Bear and him knew what had gone off with Hutch. Except of course the other scum involved in his abduction. He had taken out the second in charge of the abduction, Monk, but Starsky was not entirely sure what residual scum was still floating around out there for Hutch. Scum that could incriminate Hutch as a heroin junkie and use what had been done to him, against him.

His career on the force was in jeopardy until they both knew whether all of the loose ends were tied up. This job of course might be a thread to a very big loose end for Hutch. An undercover drug bust was not something that he could let Hutch walk into right now. He knew it, Dobey knew it and he knew that Hutch did too of course.

But Hutch would risk all of what could lie in wait for him in this case, just to be by his side and to have his back. They had talked after the meeting, once Hutch had calmed down enough to talk, about his frustrations of coming back to work and yet not coming back to work.

He remembered his friend's vitriolic anger earlier in the day when the meeting had disbanded and he followed Hutch our to the hallway where he was leaning heavily into the wall and cursing under his breath.

"Starsk if I can't fucking protect you, than I might as well not be here! I can't come in here every morning and look at fucking reports while you are out there amongst fucking killers and drug scum waiting to get your back stabbed or your throat slit or your fucking head shot off! I can't! I won't!

Fair enough, let them put you on the street without me, but for Christ sake make it be. …make it be…." He was becoming flustered with each word and increasingly frustrated.

Starsky smiled softly at him.

"Or what Hutch? Make it be delivering overdue parking tickets to people's doors, teaching school kids about what nice policeman do, directing local traffic outside city hall? This is my job Hutch. What I do. What I am. I am a cop, I am an undercover detective, it is often a nasty job, and I take risks. This ain't a pretty place to work Hutch. There are no nice jobs you can put me in while you are not with me so that I can stay safe. This is my life Hutch and there is no escapin' that."

Hutch looked defeated. He collapsed against the wall and sighed loudly.

"Starsky I know that, but it is just not your life it is my life too. Your job, your life is also my job, my work, my life – and right now I can't do any of it! I can't be there_ with_ you. I can't be _for_ you. Not for this one, you know why Starsk, you know that Dobey would never let me near this one right now, even if I was fighting fit.

I am a liability. I have put you at risk.

What happened to me with Forrest ...it is now putting you at risk."

His eyes were fierce with emotion as he drew his partner into the private pain that only the two of them shared.

"Don't say that, don't you dare say it again Hutch. You did nothin'. You got your body broken and dragged through the slag by those assholes and you dragged yourself out of the slag. I only regret that I couldn't have killed Forrest at the same time I did Monk".

Eventually they had packed up earlier than normal, donned their jackets and headed home, tacitly to Hutch's place for some much need beers and more talk. Starsky could see that this whole episode and unexpected development today had worn Hutch down prematurely. It had strapped his already depleted reserves and he wanted to get Hutch home before he folded completely.

He knew too that Hutch wanted to argue, berate Dobson and Dobey's decision and to try to sway his partner's agreement to take the assignment. He could do all of those things and Starsky was prepared to let his partner try and to ventilate and share his fears.

Hutch would get the space and time to fully get over the Forrest incident. He would ensure that Hutch was not be exposed to the inherent risks involved in this big case and when it was all over they could get back on track with Hutch no longer compromised by what had happened to him. He did not like going in without Hutch either, but this time he would have less to worry about, as Hutch would be deskbound and safe.

He would make sure that his partner did not know how he felt about going in with an unknown factor like Ryan Lancaster.

Starsky knew that the subject of Ryan Lancaster lay untouched between them. For some reason Hutch did not seem to want to go there and Starsky let it be. He had always sensed that his partner did not like Lancaster. As far back as he could remember. Maybe even when they were at the Academy together. He couldn't be sure, but he thought so.

Whenever Lancaster's paths had crossed with theirs over the years, the feeling was still there. He had mentioned to Hutch several times, but his partner was quickly dismissive of his observation, either laughing it off or outright denying it.

But it was there.

They knew each other too well for Starsky to think he was imagining it.

There was electricity between Hutch and Ryan – and it went both ways. Sometimes it just hummed and buzzed lightly, but it was there - a tangible , negative energy. Hot friction.

Other times like today, it virtually snapped and fired – the looks and moves between them charged and a little dangerous.

It had never been much of an issue. Ryan was a passing entity, in and then out of their lives, not featuring long enough for Starsky to try to probe Hutch for answers, which he supposed he might not ever have bothered to do. After all some people just did not take to each other. Hey, Starsky thought, _can't love everybody all the time and make_ _everybody happy_ and visa versa.

So Hutch and Ryan didn't gel? Not a big issue in the scheme of life.

But things were different after today.

A series of events had rolled out. A cartel was starting to come apart at the seams. It was timely for undercover cops to go in and weaken the syndicate even further and create some extra leverage for its demise. The LAPD needed undercover cops. Starsky and Hutch were prime choices given their age and background and experience. Hutch was down. Down in more most of the people in the department knew - would ever know if Starsky had any power over it.

Dobey too wanted his blond detective protected.

His partner wanted him protected, safe and better.

Another cop fit the bill to go in with Starsky. He was available and he was fit and ready.

Ryan Lancaster was that cop.

A sequence of events had now brought Ryan to be Starsky's undercover partner.

Hutch was devastated that he could not be with his partner in this case. But Starsky also knew that his partner was not verbalizing what he had sensed as soon as the brief had been presented to them.

Hutch did not want Ryan alongside him as his partner.

But Starsky also knew it would change nothing.

He was taking this assignment.

**To be continued..**.


	3. Chapter 3

**If I Can't Have You**

**By the end of this chapter those of you who are intuitive readers of this fandom (and hey that is all of you isn't it?) should be getting the idea about why our Hutch is none too happy with Ryan going under with Starsky. **

**Or is he just being his usual worrying self and imagining the worst?**

**Thanks for reviewing and reading. I love feedback as a writer needs it to shape and create an unfolding story. So let me know with a quick note how you think the story is developing. **

**Chapter Three**

**oooOOOoooOOOooo**

"Starsk. Starsky. Look at me. Listen. It's not too late to pull the pin on this. Dobson can easily get another partner to go under with Ryan. Christ what about that Mexican guy – Fernandez or whatever his name is, the one that we worked the strip club job with a coupla' months back? God, being Mexican he's already half way in with the cover…"

Both men had been up early. Neither had gotten much sleep anyway and Starsky needed to get home to sort out some clothes and his apartment for his undetermined length of absence. They had driven over together to his place and while Hutch paced about the rooms in his same agitated mood that had not left him since yesterday morning, his partner did his best to throw some clothes and personal items into a large overnight bag.

His partner was shadowing his every mood and the atmoshphere in Starsky's apartment was thick with unresolved tension. Nothing Starsky said or did to try and snap his worried friend out of his mood worked and Starsky could feel himself winding up as well.

"Hutch I'll leave ya' to clean out the fridge and stuff and ahh…the mail, you know all the usual crap. "

Starsky waited – nothing forthcoming. He threw the bait again. "Ummnn fridge will need a bit of a sort out. Ya' may need to get rid of any stale stuff and whatever – "

Nope, nothing. He was waiting for the normal retort from his smart mouthed partner along the lines of _" Of course I will clean out your fridge – I will just throw everything out as soon as you leave Starsky. And you know why? Because your fridge has nothing in it but rubbish."_

But Hutch did not say the normal stuff about his fridge.

Hell, it was a given.

Now he knew Hutch was worried. He was not going to be able to shake this negative conviction Hutch held about the undercover job he and Ryan were about to go into to together.

Starsky walked back into the bedroom and zipped up his bag. Hutch was on his heels.

"Look I'll put the suggestion to Dobey about Fernandez when we get in –"

"Hutch. No!"

He raised his voice this time. He was just not getting through to his friend

"It's a done deal. Shelve it now. We have been over and over this. This is going to be the way it is. I am going in and Ryan is too and you are just going to have to stop your worrying. It ain't no different than any other time I have gone under for a dirty job. Ya' just bein'–"

"It is not just like any other time Starsky. It is entirely different to any other time and you know it. You will be by yourself on this _dirty job. _By yourself and I will not have your back."

"Hutch, ya' know I am not goin' in alone. It won't be you but hey, it's still someone watching out for me. So stop ya' worryin' hey?"

"We know nothing about Ryan for God's sake! Nothing really, except from what we knew of him in the academy. How do I know what sort of cop he is? How do I know what sort of person he is? "

The rubbing on the forearm, twisting his hands around the inside of his inner elbow area began again.

"How do I know that he will have your back?"

Starsky pulled at his friend's hand, held it firmly as he grabbed Hutch's arm with the other. There was a brief struggle and the two of them grappled for a moment but in the end Hutch gave in to his partner.

Starsky quickly pulled up the shirtsleeve of Hutch's arm up to examine the paler flesh on the inside of Hutch's forearm. It was still lined with the scars of the needle tracks and the lines stood out silvery of his friend's light golden skin. Those scars were older and healing but the skin around them was raw and scraped and inflamed from the constant friction of Hutch's incessant rubbing.

"Hutch! Come on. You have to stop doing this. This ain't never gonna heal if ya' keep damagin' ya skin like this."

"Oh fuck my skin Starsky! You won't listen to me."

This had reached a point now.

Starsky sensed how he acted in the next few moments was important. Resolution was needed for them both to move forward. They needed to get beyond this bottleneck which they were currenty stuck in over the issue of this assignment.

He dropped his hands from Hutch's arm and crossed them over his own chest. He leaned back away from Hutch and surveyed him with a calculating look. His face took on a stony countenance, so unlike the usual face he presented to his friend.

"OK I'm listening Hutch. I am here and I am listening. I have been listening since yesterday when we first got this assignment handed to us – no - to me Hutch, when it first got handed to me.

But you're not telling me anything. You're just telling me that ya' concerned, worried, unsure. I know all that. I understand all that.

But I have been listening to ya' since yesterday and you're not telling me what I want to hear. What is the real problem here Hutch?"

Hutch said nothing, just shoved his hands in his jean pockets away from his own arms that he was damaging and stared back at Starsky.

Starsky kept the pressure up now. This had to be done or neither of them was going to get beyond this point.

"What is it with you and Ryan? Cos' I'm getting the distinct feelin' here Hutch that this is about him, about what you think of him.

Now are you going to tell me what this is all about?"

Hutch's light blue eyes left the dark blue of his partner's and looked at the point on the wall behind his Starsky's head.

Starsky just shook his head.

"Nope, didn't think so. Cos' ya' know why Hutch. Cos for some stupid reason ya' don't like him. Hey he may not be the best guy in the world, but Hutch that ain't no reason not to trust him.

So if this is about you and what ya' think of Ryan than – I have listened enough. "

He swiped his bag off the bed and slammed shut the wardrobe drawers. His jacket badge and keys were on the dresser and as he pocketed the badge he watched his now silent partner.

"No more talk Hutch.

I'm going under today."

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Hutch just stood still and felt drained by the interaction between them. His partner was always like this. He would take so much, give so much and be there for him for so much.

But when he was angry and frustrated with him, he could very quickly let Hutch know he had gone too far.

He was the equilibrator in the relationship. One of them had to be he thought.

_Because at the moment it damn sure can't be me._

There was nothing more for Hutch to do but hope that his fears were unfounded.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

The rest of the morning had been taking up with Starsky being ensconced in preparations for his and Ryan's undercover position and roles. As well as Dobson, Dobey and the detectives, a couple of other officers were brought into the meeting to discuss tactics, personality profiles, layouts of the buildings involved, and criminal history of the case to date.

Those officers who had been interfaced with the drug runners and the known perpetrators of the drug running, outlined to the detectives all of the necessary background required to set the scene for their roles. It was stressful work because it was essential for the undercover cops to take so much in, retain so many small but important details and to use them to build up their own ideas for an undercover identity and framework for infiltrating the case.

Usually days were allowed for this sort of preparation. Reports, interview and tape recordings were gone over and over to ensure authenticity of the officers' covers.

But as Dobson has flagged yesterday, time was an issue and there was a sense of immediacy about getting Starsky and Ryan in as quickly as possible.

Hutch had sat in on the morning meetings. He said nothing. He and Starsky had both remained quiet ever since Starsky had locked his apartment and thrown his overnight bag in the trunk of the Torino.

Hutch knew why and what his partner had done and what they were both doing since Starsky's heavy words.

They were both preparing for the difficult time when Starsky walked out of the squad room and into his undercover role. His partner was making the demarcation easier for both of them. None of it was lost on Hutch. It was easier this way – smoother and less painful. Cut and run, the best way to dive into danger and pretend that there was going to be a morning after. The best way to make the people who were left outside waiting and wondering not care so much about the transition of their loved one from one reality to another.

It was a tried and true method of helping everyone cope with emotionally charged situations. Create a smokescreen with another sort of emotion – humor or anger, it didn't really matter - and while is was thick in the air – disappear.

It was only when the smoked cleared that the person left behind realized he had been duped.

But Hutch knew even before the smoke cleared on the angry words from his partner this morning what Starsky was trying to do.

They knew each other far too well not to.

But, he also cared enough about his partner to allow him to do it to him. If Starsk wanted it like this, than it was for the best. This whole situation was difficult for him too Hutch knew – worse of course because he was the one going in. Starsky needed to go under feeling unencumbered by his partner's negative feelings on the operation. To go in with emotional baggage was deadly dangerous.

From this afternoon on Starsky needed to be cold and objective. He had to cut Hutch out of the equation or else he placed himself and Ryan in jeopardy.

Hutch understood all of it. He was a cop and he knew what the job called for and demanded of him and his partner.

But he didn't like it one bit.

He sat at the rear of the room and watched the proceedings of the assignment prep. He listened to everything, took everything in – the cop in him was too good not to. He knew every step and every angle that the captains and the two detectives were going to take in this operation. Heard every word of what the patrol officers had to say about the criminal side of the operation as it had impacted on the local neighborhood. Assimilated whatever information had been gleaned surrounding the demise and death of the previous undercover cop.

Hutch never missed a detail of the case.

But, he was not really in the meeting.

For once he was the one outside.

Like a relative who had been permitted to attend a ward round about a patient every doctor and nurse was discussing. He was the patient's closest living relative and all of these people were discussing the "patient", his treatment, and his diagnosis. He did not get a say in the way this patient, his relative was being handled.

It had been taken out of his hands.

He knew more than all of the doctors of course – knew the patient and what was best for him, far better than all of them. But he was totally discounted.

The truly terrifying point was that the medical team had the very audacity to discuss his closest relative's _prognosis _for fuck's sake. Right in from of him. Like it was not an issue to him.

This patient in all probability will get sicker, suffer more pain, more assaults on his body – well of course he may even FUCKING die.

Objectivity. Flat tones. Disinterested voices.

After all the "case" was just another patient.

_Don't worry about me. I'm just this man's closest relative you fucking assholes. _

But Hutch kept his mouth shut.

The trouble was Starsky did not even try to fight for himself.

The patient had just lain down and let this team lay his life out in front of him and his relative with not one argument.

The worst of it was that Hutch knew – if they had both been in this undercover job together – Starsky would have had a hell of a lot to say. When it concerned not just himself but Hutch too, he would have had been hyper vigilant about what was being planned for the two of them.

_But I am safe and I will not be there with him and that is all he is thinking about right now._

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

Ryan was going in first. He had already made headway with inside connections in the past two weeks. The nineteenth precinct had doubled their efforts in preparing the way for a new infiltrator since one of their men had gone down in the operation. The dead cop had already paved the way for Ryan and so he needed to move in very soon.

_Since the undercover cop in his precinct had been killed._

_Since Sergeant Malcolmson was killed._

The words were put out at the prep meeting like the team were presenting some monthly figures on a recent spate of minor break and enters in the local neighborhood.

Hutch breathed through the moment in the meeting when this point was raised and averted his eyes purposefully from his partner's. He knew that Starsky would be looking directly at him when Malcolmson's death was discussed. He would not look at his partner now.

He did not trust himself in any way at the moment.

So Ryan was going under first. He had an "in" and would insinuate himself within the small group over the next day of two. Runner. His new title.

A runner with a hunger for quick money and a high tolerance for risk. He would ask no questions and move the goods with diligence and speed. He would earn a place and become useful very quickly, and present as a reliable runner.

His bosses of course would not consider him to be trustworthy because no one in this godforsaken world of filth and corruption was trustworthy – but he would make himself quickly known as a safe bet.

Next step.

Find an opening for his buddy who needed money even more than him. Who knew the streets and could hold his own because of the shady past that the undercover brigade had set up for him. His friend was waiting in the wings for the invitation into the bottom dwelling world of narcotic business. Another keen player who would be a faceless, nameless, invisible runner who left no traces back to the head boss, to the top of the pyramid.

Another dispensable piece of low life shit whom the bosses and the bosses above them and the big boss at the very top, did not care a fuck about. Just so long as he did the running with the goods. Brought the cash back or helped channel payments back to the suppliers with minimal paper trails.

There was a lot of this small scum on the bottom levels of the pyramid.

Ryan was to become one later this evening.

Starsky would join him in a day or two.

They would both become dispensable.

In the underworld of narcotics distribution and dealing, lives were very dispensable.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

The meeting had wound up. Dobson was still conferring with Dobey. The boys in blue had grabbed some coffees and assembled in the corner hashing out the case.

Hutch had withdrawn to the squad room and his desk. He just could not think of where else to put himself . There was so much "unsaid" now between him and Starsky and he wanted to be nowhere near Ryan.

He had slumped at his desk with a luke- warm and bitter coffee from the warming pot in his hands. Outside of the glass windows of the squad room he listlessly watched the disbandment of the group.

Starsky walked past the window and disappeared down the hall. Probably on his ways down to the cafeteria for that last real coffee and donut.

_No, more likely to delay the inevitable. Coming in to face me before he gets Dobey's last orders and leaves. Goes under. _

It was strange sitting in here after the meeting Hutch thought to himself. It was around late morning, early lunch and most staff were not at their desks. He knew he should at least look like he was making a start on the pile of files in front of him. At the moment he could do nothing constructive.

Just as he was reflecting on how quiet the office space was, the door swooshed open. Hutch looked up.

Ryan had entered the room. He did not look surprised to see Hutch sitting there.

He walked over towards Dobey's office. Full of swagger and a face of arrogance. Hutch thought of Starsky's words that morning. Was that how it was with Ryan or he tried to reason, is that just what he himself saw? Was he being so subjective about Ryan that it was tainting his whole perception of the situation with the planned operation?

"Just getting a file from Dobey's desk."

He opened the inner office door, and true to his word was in and out of the captain's office within a second – manila folder in his hand.

Hutch could feel it. He just knew something was going to go down now between the two of them. Thinking again of Starsky, he stayed silent and ostensibly focused on his own files.

"So Starsk in here Hutch?"

"Nope – _Starsky_ is not here Ryan." That in in itself should have been enough. Hutch's correction of Ryan's familiar use of his partner's name. But he could just not leave it and added with heavy sarcasm as he looked about the near empty room.

"No, can't say I can see him"

The dark haired detective stood now with his hip against the desk, tapping the file in his hand against his other opened hand. As if he was considering his next words.

Hutch did not miss the other detective's quick scan of the area outside of the doorway.

_Checking to see if anyone else was coming in. Whether anyone else was within earshot?_

"Look – ah – Hutch. I know you are far from happy with this assignment – with Starsky and me going under. I just want you to know that; well you don't need to worry. It's all cool. I've worked this case up for weeks.

I've got it covered ok?"

"You've got what covered Ryan?"

'Ah come on will you? Give me a break. I know the score better than you do with this assignment. Can run it better than you could. You haven't been around for weeks now Hutch. I'm all over this case, I've got the lay of the land and I don't need your approval or your hard assed attitude in my face. So you can –"

"But you do Ryan. You see you do. You do need me to approve how you work this case because you're working it with my partner."

Hutch had dropped all attempts to play this in a diplomatic fashion. No other cops were around, particularly his partner, and he was going to push this guy all the way – to its natural conclusion. His tone was low and almost growling.

Ryan stood up straight now and gave Hutch a look of abject dislike.

"Hey Hutch".

"Hutchinson. It's Hutchinson. Like Starsky, not Starsk"

Ryan openly laughed how and Hutch felt the snap. He sat and concentrated, trying his best not to rise to his own call of the wild. This man really irked him. Really pissed him off. Really…

He got no further with his hostile thoughts. Ryan cut him off.

"Hutchinson. OK…I get it _Hutchinson. _But one thing - last time I looked Starsky did not have your name tattooed on his ass."

Hutch could feel it. The feeling of pumping adrenaline. For weeks now while he had been ill and recuperating, he had not had that level of adrenaline coursing through his veins. But by God he could feel it now.

He was tensing and knew any second he would cross a divide.

_No, its what he wants. Leave it. Leave him. For Starsky's sake, just leave it be. They are about to go under together, and Ryan must be cool when he goes in. For his partner's well being. For his partner's life._

"Look Ryan, I think you and I both know where we stand. Lets just agree to put our differences aside ok? You don't need any of this right now."

Besides he was worn out with this whole game of Ryan's, some sort of contrived situation where luckily for him real life had stacked up and he was one upping his blond nemesis easily.

He tried to gauge the dark haired man who looked more unreadable.

"Just - just go do your job and make damn sure you have my partner's back."

Ryan gave a sweeping look to the outer office and just as Starsky came back into view, he spoke his last words carefully and quietly. There is no way that Hutch could have misconstrued it.

"Hey Hutch – Hutchinson. If you think for one minute that I will be letting Starsky's back out of my sight you are so mistaken. I will have his back –

And as he paused Hutch braced himself.

" I will have his back alright. Twenty four seven. You need to remember that while you're here and I'm under with him".

He gave one last thin smile, turned as Starsky entered the room, and walked toward the door.

"I'll catch you outside - partner" he added to Starsky as he passed him in the doorway.

He drew out the last word "partner" with emphasis and left it hanging in the room for Hutch to catch.

**To be Continued…**


	4. Chapter 4

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter Four**

**Please note that this chapter includes sexual content and terminology. Nothing too major.**

He was gone.

It had all happened quickly in the end.

He had walked into the squad room as Ryan was passing him to leave. He made his way over to his desk and opened drawers, pulling out a few things, sorting out a pile of papers on top. He picked up a notepad and jotted down a few notes – about the case? Hutch was not sure.

In his hand he was holding a bunch of keys.

"So the keys to the Torino, spare keys to the apartment and my departmental keys. " He held them out to his partner.

Hutch took them mutely.

"They are not putting me in for a day or two until Ryan gets me the position, but as ya' heard in the meeting, I need to bunk up with him in the meantime. Wait till he clears a position for me ya' know. Well hoping he can clear a job for me – shouldn't be a problem as they are lookin' for runners now and Ryan's word should count for somethin' ".

Hutch just nodded.

"Starsky – Look, I'm sorry about the scene this morning. I guess I am just thinking the worst of everything at the moment you know.

It's been a shitty few weeks. I have not been on top of my game you know It's easy to get worried about stuff after what happened with me and …"

"Hey its ok Hutch. I know what it did to you. Please don't…"

Hutch just nodded his head slowly acknowledging that Starsky was right about not being hard on himself for being extra wary. Not trusting anyone since he was held and strung out on heroin, but his partner and his very closest friends.

Being abducted could sure knock the trust out of you he thought.

But now he was determined to downplay his concerns over Ryan – the situation was just too crucial and he had to smooth the path for his partner. It was obvious that it was set in concrete – whether he liked it not. Starsky was leaving soon and it was too late to reconfigure the set-up in any way that would leave Hutch feeling better.

So now he just needed to back off and let the case take its course.

Let his worries stay with himself.

He had to let Starsky go in as positive and as strong as he could be.

His partner looked immensely relieved. At Hutch's words and reassurances he went to him and pulled him into a quick embrace. They held each other for a minute or two, neither saying anything.

"I know Hutch it has been a really shitty few weeks and this could not have come at a worse time. But we are here and it's happening. That's our job remember"

He tried to lighten the mood.

"Hey, its for the best anyway. I was killin' ya with my nursemaidin' act an' all. Ya' said so ya'self. This way you can watch your serious shows on TV and read ya' books and stay up late and I won't be there to bitch at ya'"

Hutch smiled back, his fondness for his partner clearly evident in his face.

"Oh Starsk, you know I will miss you as soon as you walk out that door.. …

he squeezed his partner's arm even harder.

But you are right, I am looking forward to a break from cartoons and 9pm bedtimes."

It was done.

Both knew that to take this any further was not going to get them anywhere.

"Ok ya big lug…. I will catch you soon when this case is wrapped up. Ya' better take care of my car – I don't want ya' stuffin' the wheel alignment with ya' damn bad parkin' either. I'll know when I get back."

"I promise that I'll put her to bed every night and tuck her in safe and sound buddy. "

"Right. Good. Well better get out there as Ryan and Dobey are waitin'…final orders and crap like that. Dobey and Dobson are still out there in the meetin' room and we will get the undercover car from the garage – Dobson had it brought over just before."

"Well ….keep your nose clean, try to give me a call whenever it is safe for you to do it and – watch your back ok. "

Hutch faltered a little at this point. He hoped that Starsky did not pick it up.

It was really hard to say this as this of course was the whole sticking point for him. Not knowing whether he could rely on Ryan to do the job for him.

"Watch your own back for me ok?"

Just at this moment the squad room door opened again and Dobson stuck his head in.

"Detective Starsky! Are you ready? The car is ready and Ryan has already packed his gear in the car and ready to roll. Dobey is waiting ….." he took in the closed scene between the two men. "That is if you're ready."

A long slow look passed between the two partners.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be there. I'm coming" Starsky watched Dobson's retreating back.

"Hey…be back soon ok? I want to see you fatter next time I see ya' big blond mutt. No more ribs . Take it easy, rest up….and ah…get those reports done for me. You know how I hate doing those damn reports."

He was walking now to the door and Hutch walked with him.

Hutch added another closing line.

"Look after yourself meathead. No risks, no big guy tactics. Keep safe ok?"

"Huh? That's exactly what I was just gonna say to you blondie. Ya stole my lines."

The door closed.

And then he was gone.

It was out of his hands.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Somehow he muddled along with a semblance of routine and application to outstanding tasks.

Captain Dobey had reappeared an hour or more after Starsky left and Hutch merely acknowledged him. He was not in the mood for some patronizing rationalization about the case from him.

At that point all he wanted to do was let the rest of the day sift over him until he could grab his keys and head for home.

He had no idea how he could keep this up for another week. This one hundred percent deskwork.

Christ almighty it was not as if he had half his body shot out or his head punched

in. He was not an invalid. In fact he actually felt that his return of strength had tripled in the past twenty four hours due to pent up angst he was having with this undercover operation.

Edgy anger and fear did wonders for energy levels.

As he shrugged into his beaten up collegial jacket and snatched up Starsky's keys, he had already decided. Now that his own private nursemaid was out of the picture he would approach Dobey about a change of scenery within the next day or two.

He could not and would not remain on this freaking desk for the duration of Starsky's assignment. He desperately needed some action and he was sure that Dobey would have a few "live" cases hanging about.

He would give this paper pushing a couple of days, clean up these reports and make another attempt with Dobey to return to some live work.

Right now though he had enough of this day.

Pushing out of the squad room doors he headed into the early evening and toward his partner's Torino.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

He allowed himself to remember it now.

While Starsky had still been here he had blocked away the urge to examine the memories too closely and to analyze what he had perceived. He thought that he had gone there – back to the event in his mind, then it would color even further his perspective of the man who was now partnered with Starsky.

He was afraid that his recall of the event might be shadowed by the way he had been feeling about Ryan over the past twenty or so hours. Or was it the other way around – was his attitude to Ryan shadowed by what he remembered of him all those years ago?

Hutch threw the bottle top of his beer into the sink, picked up the graduation book of his Academy year and headed for his couch.

He hadn't had this book out in a while. He and Starsky usually reserved their re-acquaintance with its stored memories on occasions when both of them had downed to many beers and allowed themselves to be overtaken with nostalgic sentimentality. Or it was dragged out to settle an argument about one of their academy mates -

" _who was that what's his name again? Was that so and so? No it was not him - I tell ya' it was."_

After all Hutch thought, that was what Yearbooks were for. Pulled out around the same time when the ability to articulate clearly was long past and all that people were capable of was drunken stabbing at photos and tear filled reminiscences.

But there was no argument to settle tonight and no drunken sentimentality either.

Hutch opened the book at the page he wanted and took in the image smiling up at him.

_Could you pick it from his smile? _

_Could you see it in his eyes?_

Ryan Lancaster.

In Hutch's mind this photo fit into a different category to the other one's he and Starsky would often laugh and reminisce over.

Ryan's photo was categorized in Hutch's mind as photos to avoid.

People you do not like to remember.

People you would not like to meet again.

He would have preferred never to see Ryan again, but in the police force and given they were all detectives now, their paths did intersect from time to time.

He accepted that. Not much to be done about it and he managed well enough. Passing acknowledgements were one thing.

But to have this man assigned with his partner undercover in a potentially dangerous situation was one hell of another matter.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

The time frame was a little sketchy, but it was when they had all been there in the Academy long enough for all of the trainees to get to know each other very well. The Academy was a tight place and their training as cops occurred in the time of their lives when they were all hungry for so many things.

Action, challenges, testing out mind and body and pushing themselves to reach their ultimate capabilities.

The young trainees were all on fire to make themselves into the best cops they could be, to strive and to attain.

And it was a time when trust in others really showed its importance. For many of the guys it was the first time in their lives that the relationships they forged with the other officers were different in quality to any other they had experienced so far in their lives. Cop training was about relying on the other man, every day and every moment.

Many of the guys formed bonds, units, and friendships with one another even in the training Academy.

He and Starsky were ahead of most of the other guys on this one. From very early on and for lots of different reasons, some Hutch to this day could not really explain, the two of them became friends, good friends even in those days well before they were partnered up.

There was a strange kinship that sprung up between them and it defied logic and reason - two such completely different young men. The depth of their trust had of course deepened over the years, but even back then there it was there.

Trust. Loyalty. Reliability.

Friends from early on.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

Starsky liked everyone.

Hutch smiled fondly now recalling the bubbling, energetic, slightly quirky tough guy from New York who steamrolled into every new day with verve and good humor.

Starsky thought the best of everyone.

Innocent until proven guilty. He never doubted anyone's integrity or questioned the motives of others that did not concern him.

His open and genuine friendship was his hallmark and the buoyancy with which he bounced through life no doubt had protected him from a lot of hurt in the past. Hutch had that figured out early on. He figured that like him, Starsky had known hurt. He had just found a different way of dealing with it than he had.

It was what made Starsky who he was.

But it also left him wide open for more hurt from others.

_Case in point Ryan Lancaster._

He pushed the opened yearbook aside and took a pull from his opened beer.

It must have been about three quarters into their training course.

_They had all come off the fields. It had been a long, arduous tactical training session and there were bruises and sore muscles to prove it. There had been the usual rush on the showers when the field was cleared – first in got the hottest water and the quickest relief from the muscle burn. _

_Starsky being Starsky brought up the rear and sauntered in to the shower block in his usual casual way, laughing with some of the other guys after having helped to pack up the PE gear. Starsky never cared about waiting or taking the left over cold water. His personality just never allowed him to stress himself out over such small issues in life. _

_I have always loved that about him and even back then it shone through. So different from myself in this way. I was an all round worrier._

_But not Starsky. _

_In his mind, cold water was better than no water. _

_There was always something worse to be had in his mind. Even grey parts were better than black parts. _

_That is how he used to think. Probably still does, but nolonger so carefree, nolonger quite so trusting. Years in the force had done that to him._

_So that night, like so many others he had been patiently biding his time for when a cubicle would free up and he could get his tepid shower._

_I had climbed out of my own shower and could still hear him waiting for a turn, laughing and sparring with one of the other guys. As was my way I quickly flared to impatience with him._

"_Aww C'mon will you Starsky. Its Friday night here. We need to get ready and get our asses down to the bar. Half of the girls from that college are going to be there tonight and I aim to get a good seat to watch them come in through the door."_

'_Well if that's the case, maybe I should skip the shower and take my manly sweaty body down there to lure em' over to our table!"_

"_Starsky just get in the damn shower will you. Now!"_

_I pushed him in to the nearest vacant cubicle. Most of the guys had finished and the locker room was clearing out._

_Only a couple of other guys beside Starsky and myself were still there. _

_Ryan was one of them._

_I had finished dressing and had packed up my sweaty gym gear and towel._

_I yelled to him to be heard over the streaming water. _

"_Starsky! I'll wait for you up in the dorm. I want to dump this shit off and catch up with Rogers and Whitey. They want to tag along tonight."_

_He turned now to face me, as he vigorously lathered shampoo into his thick curly hair. The showers were clear glass, but damn filthy with soap scum, but he seemed to be indicating that he got my message._

_I got all the way back to the outer reception area and was heading for the dorm when I realized it._

"_Oh Shit and Damn!" _

_I had left my fob watch down in the locker in the shower room. I did not like for me and my watch to be parted so turned around straight away and headed back. _

_As I entered the side door of the shower cubicle area, I had thought at first everyone was gone. It was so quiet. But everyone hadn't gone. Starsky was still there of course. He was singing away to himself in his usual happy fashion as he toweled off his body. The bank of lockers that ran down the center of the room formed a partition and basins and toilets were on one side, showers and dressing seats on the other. _

_From the entrance where I stood I could see the whole room. Starsky was on one side and on the other side of the room behind the bank of the lockers stood Ryan._

_Both men had their backs to me and so my entry went unnoticed. Ryan was bent forward with his face pressed up to the gap in between two of the lockers. _

_His eyes were trained on Starsky's naked body and his hands were occupied with his very erect cock. A very erect cock, which was out of his pants and responding to his urgent stroking. He was probably moaning but it was hard to tell over the din of Starsky's singing._

_I came to an abrupt halt and just stared. _

_Shocked._

_Speechless._

_And then very angry. _

_Ryan must have somehow realized he was caught as his head swung around to take me in. He next actions were even more shocking. Making no hurry to stop or cover up what he had been doing, he slowly straightened up, tucked himself away, buttoned his lower shirt and moved toward the rear door. _

_He said nothing but gave me a small salute with his two fingers, like he was acknowledging his fucking sergeant in the army or something, then walked away with a smug smile on his face._

_As I stood with what must have been a look of abject utter horror on my face, Starsky called out._

_Towel tucked around his waist now he was gathering up his dirty clothes. _

"_Huh? Whatcha' doin back here Hutch? Thought ya was gonna' wait up at the dorm? God give a man a chance to clean up before we make our moves on the ladies will ya?"_

_He saw me hesitate and no doubt was confused by my face. _

"_Hey, Hutch. Whats' with you? You look kinda like ya wanta knock my head off. I promise I'll be ready in a jiffy."_

_I did want to knock a head off, but Ryan had taken his and cleared the scene._

_I quickly tried to recover some of my composure which is not easy when you discover one of your colleagues using your best friend as a sex aid – well that was how it felt to me anyway. _

"_Ah– no, just left my watch down here that's all and I am pissed that I had to back track all the way back down here to get it." I went to the locker as I spoke and pocketed my watch to validate my reason for returning to the showers in a huff._

"_Well that's a relief cos' I need this head so I can get it really drunk tonight." His big open smile went with his joke._

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

_I didn't tell him. Don't know why. Just didn't. It had made me sick watching Ryan and I suppose I was so shocked that one of our own had done that to Starsky was a bit beyond my comprehension. I had to try to make sense of it first myself._

_I thought that I would tell Starsky later on in the evening. After I had a few beers. But the time never seemed right. What would I say, "Starsky you wouldn't believe it but I found Ryan wanking off while watching you naked tonight?" _

…_And what would that achieve? Just leave Starsky feeling that his way of thinking the best of everyone in life - was now seriously up for debate. Take away how he viewed the world and give him back a more sordid gritty version of reality. _

_Make him feel dirty._

_Simply because some perverted guy had used him to get off. _

_I would tell him when it came up in conversation. There had to be a better way than just blurting it out._

_But there never was a better way and there never was a conversation. _

_Not between Starsky and me anyway._

_But there was one between Ryan and me – I made sure of that._

**To be continued…  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**If I Can't Have You **

**Chapter Five**

**This chapter is a little shorter mainly because I am trying to convey a difficult scenario between Hutch and Ryan. I want to get across the very hard place in which this scenario places our poor Hutch. Hope you can all feel for him.**

**Once again and probably from here on the story deals with sexual content and referencing. **

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo**

Hutch debated whether he should prepare some food or just sit and continue to worry about the past and what it could mean for Starsky's present.

In the end he opted for another beer and more couch time with himself and his ever worrying thoughts.

The food took back seat and he was glad that Starsky was not here to nag him about skipping meals while he was trying to build back up.

He had never said anything to Starsky about the day he found Ryan in the shower cubicle and now he wondered if he had done the right thing in omitting to fill his partner in on this man.

But it certainly wasn't as easy as it had first seemed. No matter how he broached it in his mind it never sounded like something he really wanted to bring up with his friend.

At the time he had dealt with the matter in his own way. That too was far from an immediate response. It was not an easy thing to find a time and a place to corner Ryan and challenge him about what he had witnessed.

What clearly Ryan _knew_ he had witnessed.

In fact he was nonplussed that Ryan presented himself the day after the incident and the day after that and then every day since that fateful evening, as though nothing had really changed. To Ryan it was as if the dynamics of each of their three lives were exactly as they had been over the past months in the training Academy.

He laughed and joked, shared and bitched with all of the other guys - including Starsky, whilst carrying out the everyday routine of a trainee Rookie.

He was seemingly non perturbed.

No big deal that a fellow trainee had caught him wanking off to that trainee's best friend. It was as if he had never really done anything to Starsky.

Hutch just could not start to figure this guy out.

If it went on any longer without him confronting the issue, he feared that he would start to doubt what had happened. Hutch himself was even starting to believe that in fact the entire episode might have been a dream. Ryan was still perceived by the majority as the all round ok guy.

It was only Hutch that seemed to see a different person to everyone else.

oooOOOoooOOOooo

It was nearly a week later when the opportunity came.

He had just locked the door on his totally beaten up heap of a car. It was all he could afford as a trainee and really all he ever wanted. He had never been much concerned about what he drove as long as it got him to where he was going.

He turned away from the car and was about to cross the Academy car park when he spotted him.

Ryan was approaching his own vehicle and was alone. The rest of the car park appeared deserted.

There would never be a better time for this.

Hutch went back to that day in the car park.

_Ryan saw me. He did not attempt to avoid me but instead he seemed to hesitate and wait for me to get closer to him. _

_I actually thought it was as if he was waiting for me to approach him. _

_ I saw again that arrogant, smug look on his face as I walked toward him slowly._

_He had spoken first. Broken the tight tension that was strung between the two of us as we squared off in the empty car park._

"_Well, here we are Hutchinson. I wondered when you were going to finally say something to me. All week you have had an expression on your face like you haven't digested your food properly . You have the same look now – like you are – choking – yes that is it – choking."_

_He was right of course. There was no doubt about how I must have looked to him because that was how I was feeling. Every time my eyes found him in a room. Everytime my eyes found him anywhere near Starsky, I felt puke rise in my throat and I could not push it back down without a struggle._

_The sickening sight of him pulling his cock off while he leered at Starsky naked and totally unaware, filled my throat with bile and hate._

_I wanted this out between us. _

_I needed some sort of resolution. We had to finish this training together. The three of us had a short-term future for the duration of our time at the Academy and until I had dealt with what had happened , I was not sure how I could go beyond this point._

_Of course youth and bravado were on my side. Loyalty and friendship reigned supreme and at the time these values outweighed what in fact might have been a better course of action. As I faced Ryan off in that carpark, I was not thinking of longer term logic or the bigger picture taking this issue further with him._

"_Are we going to talk about what happened ?"_

_" Happened ? What did happen Hutchinson?"  
_

"_Look you asshole, you know very well what I am talking about. What you were doing in the shower room with …while…"_

"_While what"?_

_He openly sneered at me now, and then went on._

"_Oh, you mean while you were in the shower room too? That's right isn't it Hutchinson? You were in the shower room just watching, watching your friend as he stood naked and I guess watching me watching your friend naked? That is what happened isn't it?"_

_I wanted to punch the living shit out of him then and there but the look of malice on his face made me stop and try to take stock of this man._

"_What are you doing Ryan? I found you fucking with yourself while you used Starsky like some porn star pin-up, you filthy piece of shit. Now that might not mean much to you because obviously your standards are as low as the scum we are going to be dealing with on the streets, but it sure as hell means something to me. It is not fucking ok to do what you did with another person you know and who trusts you!"_

"_Oh just calm down will you country boy. Haven't you ever had a wank in a locker room before? Don't they do that sort of thing "out there where ya come from boy?" For God's sake! Get off your high horse. If I want to pull my own dick, I will pull my own dick. If I want to think my own thoughts while I pull my own dick I will do that too and if I want to do all of that in my locker room, I will do it. _

_So shut the fuck up Hutchinson and take your high morals back to whatever God forsaken place you sprang from."_

_He pushed his threatening arrogance in to my face. He was a big man even then and he used his muscle to try to push me mentally and physically. _

"_So you are not going to lay it out then? How it really went down? You think it is cool to do what you did? Normal? What other guys in the trainee squad would think like me do you reckon? Why don't you ask them? Is it the usual thing to jerk off while watching a buddy towel off after a shower, without their knowing you are even watching? "_

"_I don't know Hutchinson. I have never asked them. In fact it has never come up because I have never jerked off before with any of them." He paused for effect I am sure._

"_Starsky was my first. So maybe I am just a misguided, confused young officer in training who has lost his way. Using the only thing I know that gives me peace of mind and relief – a sexual outlet. Go figure Hutchinson, but I am tired of this conversation. In the end all of this just boils down to you and your morals against me and mine."_

"_My morals have fucking nothing to do with this. It all boils down to what you did with Starsky."_

"_I did nothing with Starsky you dickhead. Nothing! He didn't know then and unless you've told him which I am sure you haven't otherwise you wouldn't be here now – he doesn't know now. Tell him if you want. Tell him if it will give you whatever it is you are trying to get here off me."_

_He punched his finger into my chest._

_"Tell him if it serves your own relationship with him. You self righteous prick!'_

_He turned to walk away but added as he went " You want to drag your friend through the mud and ruin a career he hasn't even started? Than do it. Open up whatever it is you think you need to blow the lid on here. Because if you do, Hutchinson, it won't just be me who gets put under the Academy's microscope. It will be all three of us._

_You may be prepared to sacrifice your career for the fact that you witnessed a locker room wank, and in the end I might have to as well if you take it further – but ask yourself if that is what your friend would want. He doesn't even know what happened, but you moving on this could spell the end for a job in the force for him. I know and you know that it is all that he had ever dreamed of – being a cop."_

_I just let him walk away. He turned after about twenty feet across the car park and finished with a raised voice to reach across the distance._

"_Ask yourself Hutchinson if you want to put all of that on the line for one freaking jerk off in a lousy dirty police locker room."_

_If wisdom had been on my side back then, even a short five or so years back, I would have realized very quickly that any future for any of us, would have been jeoparised if I had not done exactly what I had done in the end._

_ I had always regretted it and always felt a little ashamed of it. _

_ But in the end, omission was my choice of action._

_What I did, was - nothing._

_I kept my mouth shut._

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOoooOOO

Hutch was weary now. He had spent too much time going over all of this and the process had only left him exhausted and even more confused about Ryan.

Which ever way he looked at it, it all came down to that fact that he only had what he had witnessed that evening, years ago now.

He saw what he saw. Nothing could change that. But now that all those years had passed, the pure hot rage that had filled his veins then had mellowed. He still felt uneasy with this man. He still did not trust him. He certainly still did not like him.

But the fact remained – all of this was past history.

He did not necessarily regret not taking the matter further. Somehow in all of what had transpired that day in the car park, what Ryan had said had made sense.

By keeping "this thing", whatever it had been, away from Starsky, he hoped that it had allowed his partner to remain as he always had been. Happy, optimistic, thinking the best of everyone.

That was a good thing in itself Hutch thought. Might land his partner in trouble one day, but at least along life's journey he was ok with the other passengers.

By Hutch not ever taking the matter further meant that Starsky's career kept moving along its natural track – the track to a good, solid career as a rookie and then opening opportunities in higher ranks later.

There was only one problem with Hutch having kept his mouth shut and not having shared with Starsky his concerns about Ryan Lancaster.

Hutch had never counted on the series of unfortunate events that could occur in one's life.

He had never counted on being taken forcibly by a gang of drug dealers and crucified on a needle for days.

He had never counted on being strung out on heroin , force-fed its evil glory until he was begging for another shot of its rushing warmth.

He never counted on being left weak, broken and useless after the rush had long left his veins and there was no more to fill up his terrible, aching need.

Never counted on being too brittle, too dismantled by the addiction and the withdrawal not to be well enough to return to his former position.

In the end what he didn't count on didn't even matter.

It was all out of his hands.

He could not be a partner to Starsky.

Life's events had gotten in the way.

He had never counted on Ryan being his ring in – partnered with Starsky.

Hutch threw the beer bottle in the trash and turned off the lights,_ "Life's events can be really fucked_."

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo


	6. Chapter 6

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter Six**

They had been bunking in the small dingy room behind the warehouse since Monday. Three freaking long drawn out days in a little hole from hell.

To call the surroundings depressing was an understatement. To call the décor of the room one cut below squalor was an even bigger understatement.

The business of drug smuggling might have been all glitz and glam, highfliers and shakers at the top, but down here on the ground level the view was pretty grim.

Starsky figured he was as about as close to the ground level as he could get and the view was worse than grim.

But it was where they had to be for the job to go down convincingly. He had been spending nearly all of his time in this filthy box. It was nearly 72 hours into the job now and the seedy, water marked walls were closing in on him. He was ready to gag on the acrid smell of musty staleness and human urine and there was a constant pain behind his eyes from trying to shut out the patchy lighting from the one weak flickering fluorescent.

He didn't remember where this undercover job described detention in solitary confinement. He must have missed that line in the job description.

This squalid deprivation would not take long to send him slightly mad.

He never had been very good at this sitting still stuff – preferring hard and fast action of the streets to wait and watch. He would rather be tearing down an alley dodging bullets than being hemmed in here in this shitty room that was one cut above a jail cell.

Starsky had seen and been in some dives in his time but this one was sure up there at the top of the list for places you would not want to hang out undercover.

It was ok for Ryan, as he had been doing some runs for Kalzo the middle boss who was their chief contact in this operation. Ryan seemed to have found an in with him earlier. Before Starsky had been brought into the picture. The connections that the now dead cop from the nineteenth precinct had laid out for Ryan were paying off.

At least he hadn't died for nothing Starsky thought.

Ryan had been accepted by Kalzo and his sidekicks and given some jobs to run jointly with another one of the guys. Starsky was here waiting in the wings – ostensibly a friend who was keen to get into the job too, but just waiting till Kalzo gave the ok.

Ryan had told them that his friend needed a place to bunk and that his street credibility and background would make him a suitable candidate for use as another runner.

It was known by most of the men that a shipment was coming in soon and Ryan had offered Starsky up as an extra man for when the distribution would be needed. In the meantime Ryan was put to use in pulling in the money.

Starsky twisted his watch around for the tenth time in the last hour. Where the hell was Ryan? He was supposed to be back from the job he had been handed this morning and then he was going to approach Kalzo directly with a request for an opportunity for Starsky to take a run.

If he couldn't get out of this damn room with the cover of doing some business with the rest of the guys, than how the hell could he get any lowdown on the racket and the shipment that was rumored to be coming in within a week? Kalzo and his thugs spent most of their time holed up in an office near the front of the warehouse and Starsky wanted a legitimate reason to get nearer to it and Kalzo so he could start to pin down the case. Ryan was preoccupied with running. Although he could try for information from one of the other runners, Starsky felt that they needed to start taking some bigger risks to get nearer the source of the operation.

Starsky could hardly go strolling about the warehouse and its outer areas near the office without drawing attention to him. It was important that when Ryan got the opportunity to ask for him to join the runners, that he was a neutral man with no suspicions attached to him whatsoever.

So here he was stuck in this shithole . The warehouse was out in the middle of nowhere down near the dock area and centered right in the middle of a fairly unsavory district. Ryan took the car for the past two days to follow up his assignment, so unless he took off on foot he was a captive audience to this cell room. Even if he got desperate enough and decided to take a little evening stroll to sight see the local lowlife he would risk a mugging or worse in this neighborhood. That would put a decisive end to his undercover position and jeopardize the whole imminent bust.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

About thirty minutes later Starsky heard voices outside the warehouse quarters. Ryan was back and it sounded as though he had company. Starsky pulled himself up off the low-slung bed where he had been half concentrating on yet another dog-eared magazine, and stood vigilantly to the side of the door.

"Hey Dave, its me Ryan open up!"

Ryan addressed his partner by his real Christian name to avoid slip-ups but they were both under with alias surnames.

Ryan entered the room when Starsky flipped the lock and by his side was a big burly man with fists like melons and a voice like he had swallowed gravel and sand in equal quantities.

Kalzo.

Finally Ryan had hustled up some action and with what transpired in the next ten minutes or so, the action of finally bringing Kalzo to Starsky meant that he now had a job with this middle boss. Starsky was not surprised that he had not had him come to his office to arrange the "interview process" but saw it as another example of the boss not trusting anyone in this operation. To keep them out of the office meant that Kalzo probably kept a lot from his runners and underlings. They only got given the information they needed to do the job.

By the end of a few deep and meaningful exchanges between him and the big ugly man, Starsky was accepted for the job. Whatever credentials were called for, he must have showed Kalzo that he had them, because as he went to leave he handed both of the men pieces of paper with a directions and contact names. Not that the names were probably real, but it was all they would get to do the job.

Just when Starsky was thinking that this brute was a man of almost no words, he turned and stunned Starsky with the longest piece of dialogue he had used to him in the past fifteen or so minutes.

"I know fuck all about you boy, but Ryan here has vouched for you. Ryan can tell ya' what happens when ya' don't toe the line in this outfit. Friend of his got creamed last week didn't he Ryan? Tried to do some fancy moves that had nothin' to do with what he was told to do. Whatever, it got him a bullet in the chest. So remember that - if you get the feeling ya want to experiment with the job or to try to find ya own customers for me so you can make yourself look good."

Starsky merely nodded and looked disinterested. No good looking too eager or intimidated by this man.

"I only wanna' make some cash. Just need the cash man. Got no interest in featherin' my own nest with whatever ya got on the board. Just give me the straight job – I'll do it and I'll make sure I get the money back to ya cos I as sure as hell need ya' to hand some back to me when the job is finished."

It seemed enough for Kalzo.

He nodded and left.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

Starsky was damn pleased to finally have something to do the next morning. His orders from Kalzo had been to partner up with a guy called Nick and do two runs that day. Ryan was still split off with his own partner and doing his own runs. He seemed to be getting pretty tight with this guy and both detectives were hoping that they might soon be able to get some reliable information from him about the exact timing of the next shipment delivery. This guy had been with Kalzo for quite a while now and had survived not only because he was reliable but also as Starsky suspected, he was closer to the whole operation and to the top players than to the other runners. He was always seen hanging about Kalzo when Ryan went to tag up with him for each new run.

He was given the directive to drive along with Nick and as they were heading out it was clear straight away that he was not going to be privy to a hell of lot information. Starsky had dealt with enough runners in his time on the streets to know the drill and to play his own part convincingly enough. Not that there was much of a role to be played.

Take the money, hand over the goods and hope to hell you came away with your head still on your shoulders and that you didn't get taken out as soon as the transaction was over.

The first run went smoothly enough. As smoothly as it could go with a guy like Nick. Nick was younger than him, bouncing off the walls with chemicals and full of fight, just waiting for an opportunity to lay his fists in to anyone. His mood was brittle, manic and barely contained and his excitable tendencies were a liability.

_He is gonna be a nightmare out there._

He wondered how the hell this guy managed to push his way in with Kalzo. It was not hard to see that he partook of the goods that were the bread and butter of this business. One look at his eyes gave it away. Two minutes with his crazed mood just sealed the deal on any doubt.

He was a cokehead for sure and only just stable enough to get the job done.

It was after they had returned from the first run that Starsky got the answer to his own questions about Nick.

He had left Nick go into the inner office and he was waiting outside. Starsky knew his place as newest runner on the block. They were getting their second and final assignment for the day when a conversation that started up between Nick and one of Kalzo's main men just inside the office doors, revealed what Starsky had begun to suspect.

Nick was in a favored position. This young thug was in fact Kalzo's nephew.

Obviously Uncle Kalzo turned a blind eye to his wayward nephew – but Kalzo's attitude to the younger man was also transparent when he became audibly frustrated with the younger man. Nick's sullen moodiness and dangerous violence was simmering on the boil as the men in the office discussed strategies. From outside the office door Starsky was able to see the interactions between Kalzo, Nick the two other men in the office at the time. When Nick started to let fly with filthy expletives and punched the air with his fists, Kalzo's grating voice cut through to him.

"Pull it together Nicky! Nicky! I've told ya before – shut the fuck up will ya'. Keep cool!"

_T'rrifficc – So I get landed with a zoned out cokehead, who happens to be a loose cannon, and one of the boss's family. _

_Just t'rrifficc Starsky._

_Why didn't Ryan pull the loser for a partner to run with? Crap, crap crap!_

Three days locked in that little flea bitten room and now this – turned out on the streets with a wild dog that needed a very short leash. Starsky was now wondering which was the worst of the two evils.

By the time they left for the second job Starsky was starting to think that this whole set up was a recipe for disaster. If this kid were a cop he'd be dead. He had no idea how to run a simple errand let alone be privy to the bigger picture of his uncle's operation.

Uncle Kalzo had been stupid to let family ties get in the way of real business. Starsky thought of the phrase he had heard so often when he was growing up…a phrase often thrown around the streets of New York… by giving Nick a piece of the pie "Uncle Kalzo had shit in his own bed."

The problem now was…he was not worried about Uncle Kalzo – Starsky had his own neck to consider.

_Christ Hutch just as well you are not listening in to my head right at this point, cos there sure as hell ain't no one watchin' my back right now._

As Nick screamed down the side streets on the way to the meet, Starsky thought of his blond haired partner and how very long ago four days seemed. When you were living with scum , time moved so slowly. Perhaps he thought because there was nothing else to highlight or break up a day.

Nothing but darkness and badness. Starsky was already missing the lightness and the goodness.

He was of course not surprised to feel it rise to the surface now – he was already missing Hutch.

As he and Nick climbed out of the car and moved toward the meet Starsky gave a final vow to himself for his partner.

_Trust me Hutch, I am watching my own back for you._

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

They were both still in one piece! Christ what a miracle. Nick slammed the car into drive and shot off down the narrow street away from the very hostile buyer who still stood watching them drive away. Starsky was not sure how they had accomplished that feat. Did in fact everyone in this neighborhood and connected to this operation know that Nick was family? Untouchable? That would have to be the case because the way that loopy Nick had just railroaded another ten thousand out of that buyer, would have normally meant certain death. Sure there was ways and means to pull more money for a deal and still manage to walk away alive. But Nick had none of that prowess and certainly zero skills. He simply went ape-shit and demanded more money like some spoiled tantrum raging kid.

_Fucking idiot! _Starsky had to virtually pull him back away from the hustle_. _He was mad, crazy, and high with self-importance and the delusions of a drug infused brain. The deal was two hundred K. That was clear and Starsky knew it. He had been given very little information on the deal and the exchange but he knew it was two hundred K that was to change hands for the parcel. Somewhere in his sick mind Nick produced a new figure of two hundred and ten.

_Oh come on! You can't be serious kid! You are going to try to squeeze out an extra ten for yourself? Don't do this to us! This will get us both killed!_

Starsky used all of his police negotiation skills in as subtle a way as he could to try to dissuade Nick from his a course of action that was leading them both down a very dangerous garden path. Nick would not play his part as being good civilian responding positively to Starsky negotiation techniques.

The battle between Nick and the buyer ensued and both sides went ballistic. There was a standoff.

Just when Starsky was convinced that Nick had woken up that morning with a clear goal to get his head blown off (and his offsider's head) – the buyer capitulated.

Starsky all but shoved Nick bodily into the car and ran around to the passenger's side. But Nick still had to scream through the window as he revved the car till the narrow alleyway filled with black fumes.

"I told you it was two ten you fucker! Next time when I tell you the price you remember or you are off the map with me. You can fucking go get yourself another runner – I have plenty of customers waiting for you to drop off the list you fucking moron."

_Great. Great. Gets better and better. Now I have a partner who is a loose cannon, a deranged cokehead, a close relative of the boss AND a player who is biting both sides of the cherry. I am dead meat._

Starsky wondered how on hell's earth he was going to manage this one.

_First day on the job and I don't think it could get any worse than this._

Twenty minutes later when he reached up to finger his pulsing eye socket and screaming jawline he knew that it was all relative of course. This was worse and damn if it didn't sting!

He pulled himself up slowly from where he had let himself sag against the wall. Nick had disappeared and stormed off inside to the office area and Starsky had just stayed as he was slumped and hopefully out of visual range of anyone else in the warehouse or office. He was around the corner of the side building where he and Nick had just had their little post job talk, and he wanted to be very sure that none of Kalzo's men saw him or what Nick had done. There would be far too many questions otherwise.

_God what I do in the line of duty! Damn but that hurts!_

He made his way to his and Ryan's sleeping quarters, with his hand pushed against his eye.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo


	7. Chapter 7

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter Seven**

"So I had to let him deck me"

"Why the hell Starsky? You could have just pushed him and backed off."

"Ryan there was no way that bulldog was going to back off. Nick had been spoiling for a fight all day and he needed a punching bag. I had to argue with him about the deal – what he did in taking the extra ten. I couldn't be sure it wasn't a set up from Uncle Kalzo to weed me out as a potential hustler. I was thinkin' surely this guy can't be so dumb to pull this with the buyer who had a freaking gun trained on us for Christ Sakes! So I 'm thinkin' maybe Nick's been sent in to set me up – to see if I took the bait and actually wanted in with him on cutting an extra ten.

Starsky took the water and aspirin Ryan put in his hands.

Didn't take me long to realize that it was not cos he was testin' me out. Nick is just that dumb! He wants to play both ends and he is goin' to get burned real soon – family or no family. I just hope we finish this job before he gets me taken down with him.

He's one crazy son of a bitch. Ridin' with him ain't much fun I can tell ya'. I had questioned him about the price as we drove along but he did not say much – just said I was wrong – that it was it always two hundred K.

Then we get back here, pull in and as I was getting out of the car he freaking came up behind me and slammed me into the wall near the park. Christ! Ow….

Guess he figured this was his way of making sure I kept my mouth shut about his double dealing." He used some of the water from the glass to tap at his eye gently. "Oh man I cannot wait for this bust to go down so I can get the hell out of here!"

Ryan was watching Starsky intently.

"So you weren't expecting him to deck you?"

"Hell I knew he was freaking crazy – just pulsing, but did not expect him to go for me in the car park. Screamed at me that I had better remember like the buyer, that the price is what he says the price is and not to get confused. He is insane. Why do I get the insane ones? You got the good partner Ryan you bastard!

Anyway I had to let him do it - to make it look good so he believed I was gonna toe the line and fall in with him, not rat on him to Kalzo."

"Oh so you let him punch you – you took it voluntarily?" Ryan laughed now.

"Hey smartass! I didn't exactly think he was going to come at me out of nowhere like that and yeah, yeah, I had to let it look good – he has to think that I am not a risk to him."

Ryan just kept smiling.

"Look shut up will ya! This damn eye hurts. Next time you ride with the loser and take the fall."

Starsky fell back on the bed and lay his head up against the thin bedhead.

_God what a terrible bed. Can't even wallow in pain in a bit of comfort. Where's my saggy old couch when I need it? _

He had a mental image then of Hutch bringing him an icepack from the kitchen and mother henning over yet another one of his frequent injuries.

He thought that right then with the way his eye was beginning to feel, he would not turn down a bit of Hutch's mother henning .

Ryan had disappeared into the bathroom and Starsky heard the taps running. He was a little surprised when a few minutes later he reappeared with a cool washer.

Starsky couldn't help but give a little smile at the timing of Ryan's actions and his own thoughts .

Ryan caught the smile.

"What?" as he brought the washer over to Starsky on the bed.

"Nothin' nothin'".

He sat down beside Starsky on the narrow bed and folding the washer over a few times to make a cool compress.

He lifted its cool weight to Starsky's eye and pressed it firmly, holding it in place.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooOO O

Ryan lifted the cloth to Starsky's tender eye and pushed gently against the inflamed and swelling skin. As he sat on the narrow bed he could feel his large muscular thigh pressing against Starsky's own thigh. He watched his partner's face relax into the pressure and the comfort that his hand was affording him and was pleased to see his eyes close against the sensation of relief.

Ryan could not help but take in the thick dark lashes where the dampness from the cloth was now collecting, making them glitter in the dull light.

He had never been so close to this man – ever. He just wanted to stay like this, so near to him, watching him and touching him - just like this.

Starsky was not moving away. He obviously enjoyed his contact, his touch his closeness. Ryan felt himself becoming aroused – his tender touches now wanting to become more urgent, more demanding explorations.

In his mind then his hand left Starsky's face and moved lower…

"Hey ya know Ryan, ya' aint half bad with this doctoring stuff . Hutch would be proud of ya'. "

Ryan felt all of the mounting excitement just drain out of him.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah – he's a natural with fixin' me up whenever I get busted up. He's always liked that sort of thing – was going to be a doctor"

"Is that right? Yeah, maybe I can recall something like that from the academy days"

"I was thinkin' Ryan – we need to try to get some more solid information on the next shipment delivery so we can get back to Dobey and Dobson on it."

Starsky sat forward now and took the cloth from Ryan and held it in his own hands.

"And Hutch must be spinning his wheels with worry by now too so I need to get through to him and let him know the score here."

Ryan shifted his weight slightly on the bed, pulling himself away from Starsky now.

"You know Starsky, we are on this operation now – undercover. No set time limit. No known time frame till the bust goes down. Hutch cannot be kept abreast of everything while he is on the outside." He took the compress from Starsky's hands and lifted it once more to his bruising face.

"In here it is just you and me."

Starsky swung his legs over the bed and made to stand up.

"Yeah, well – how about just you and me clean up and go in search of food and a beer hey? After that round with Nick I am starvin' ! "

Was it the way he touched him this time? The added attempt to go back for more of what he had been sharing with Starsky just a moment before – before Hutch's name came up?

For whatever reason, Starsky seemed to pull back just a little, look mildly confused, looked like he wanted to move away?

Ryan felt anger flare in him. Starsky had made a clear move to pull away from him when Hutch entered the conversation.

Ryan tried to be casual now. He did not want to mess up what progress had been made between the two of them.

'Ok, looks like even a good thump to the face can't take your appetite away Starsky. Let's go find food".

So far there had been little information leaked by the other runners or the sidekicks, but there was no clear time frame on the next big shipment in and the departmental bust.

Ryan was in no hurry.

In fact, the longer the better .

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

The next day both men were busy with assignments. Starsky tried to keep a low profile when he leaned lazily against a wall outside of the office for Nick to come out with the job. He wore a baseball cap pulled low over his eyes. He did not want to be in a position with Kalzo where he had to explain the bruised eye.

Nick emerged, threw a look at Starsky and tossed him the keys to the car.

"You can drive today. I'm just gonna chill." He had his sunglasses tipped low on his nose and the eyes above them were of someone half way stoned.

Starsky just nodded "Fine by me. Just let me know where we are headin'."

Nick gave a wild laugh. "We are heading to hell man. That's where we are all going to didn't you know?" He tapped his hand rhythmically on the car hood as he waited for Starsky to unlock the car.

"Hey man, you been brawling in a bar fight?"

"Yeah somethin' like that."

"Did you get any punches in yourself man?"

Starsky started the engine and looked straight ahead. He would not give this spoiled prick the benefit of even looking at him.

"Nah – came at me from behind. But next time it happens, you bet your ass I will."

Nick just screeched with crazy maniacal laughter.

_God help me get through this day. _

Starsky kept that thought constant as he negotiated his way out of the warehouse grounds and accelerated out onto the street.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

"You know I never would have believed that I hear myself say this, and Hutch would not believe it either, but God damn I think I need to go for a run."

He and Ryan were walking back together from Kalzo's office. It was the end of Starsky' s third day working as a runner and the combination of being stuck with the crazy Nick all day and cramped in the dirty small rooms at the back of the warehouse all night was really starting to wear Starsky down.

Other undercover jobs had never seemed this hard.

Nick was a time bomb and each moment with him was as tortuous as holding a breath just waiting for when the next explosion would happen.

And being with Ryan the rest of the time…well it was hard for Starsky to put his finger on it. He wasn't like Nick. He was not high maintenance like Nick was , where any stray comment or movement could send him off of a screaming rant or a hysterical giggling spree.

No Ryan was - Starsky was reaching for the word.

Calculating?

_Was he calculating the situation, calculating me? Its like being in a room with a roaming lion. _

Starsky found that Ryan was always watching, patrolling and measuring . He didn't know what he was measuring though as there sure as hell was not too much happening in that dumpy filthy room, but nonetheless Starsky felt that he was under constant scrutiny from the other cop.

Starsky couldn't work him out and in the past few days had come to realize that Ryan was not the simple straightforward guy he had always taken him for.

He was quieter, more reflective and more closed down than your average cop, your average regular guy –

_Whatever the hell that is._

He could just hear Hutch's response to that statement_ . _

"_Starsky just what is your average, regular guy hey? What a stupid statement! You can't go around saying stupid stuff like that!"_

Well Starsky had decided, whatever he was, Ryan was a confusing man to work out.

His constant long looks at Starsky and quiet times where he just seemed like he wanted to say something but never did was making Starsky uncomfortable and jittery.

Starsky did not like to feel uncomfortable and jittery.

Being in this damn hellhole of a room was bad enough, and doing this nerve-wracking job with Kalzo's half baked nephew all day was even worse. But being here for a whole week now with no real solid leads on when the next shipment was coming in - was the worst of all.

So when he got to the end of the third day on the job, he knew he needed to push his body to a physical limit to rid himself of all of this pent up frustration and cabin fever.

Ryan seemed a little surprised at Starsky's suggestion of a run but then agreed.

"Ok – not the nicest surroundings to take a run in , but let's do it. How about we put in a few miles and then head off for an early meal at that diner a few blocks back toward the city?"

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

'Not bad stamina there for someone who reckons he doesn't like to run."

Ryan puffed heavily as he cut his pace down to a mere slow jog. He was watching the sweat pour off his partner's face and collect and pool in the ropey musculature of Starsky's neck muscles.

"Oh I like to run alright, but I like to run for something, to chase or catch something. I'm not like Hutch who likes to run in meaningless circles around a park or the city block. Makes no sense to me, but Hutch loves it."

He too was sucking in air and trying to stabilize his breathing patterns.

"You know Starsky, I' m beginning to wonder if you two ever do anything in life without each other. "

Starsky did not miss the strange almost hostile look that flashed across Ryan's features then. He chose to ignore it.

_There is was again. That tone from him that suggested he did not want to hear about Hutch at all. _

They were cooling down with a light jog back in to the warehouse yards . As they drew nearer to the front of the warehouse they saw a sleek Mercedes parked just outside Kalzo's office.

The two men kept walking at a steady pace to ensure they cooled their muscles down adequately. Starsky was doing a few stretches against the wall when the guy who partnered Ryan each day on his runs walked out of the office, cigarette in his mouth and a lighter in his hand.

When he saw Ryan, he walked toward him as he lit up and drew in his first long breath, pulling back with habituated practice and blowing smoke out in an arc in front of him.

"Hey Ryan what gives man. Been cruisin' on a run hey? That sort of habit will kill ya you know. Pftt! Exercise ! Who needs it?"

"Dunno, wouldn't mind bettin' which one of us will die first. Those cigarettes aren't doing you any good either! Hey what's with the fancy car? We got the brass visiting us today?"

Starsky was not hoping for anything from Kalzo's close offsider. But then he realized, this man, although tight with Kalzo, did seem to get on well with Ryan. He seemed to like Ryan and did not try to cut him off when he made the enquiry.

" Yep. That's the big man himself in with Kalzo. Deal's gone down and they're setting up the details for the next big delivery. They are putting away some fine grade whiskey in there to toast the deal."

When Starsky looked more closely now he could see in the man's eyes that he had been in on the whiskey party himself. Thus the loose mouth.

Starsky tried to catch Ryan's eye to encourage him to draw more out of this man now that the opportunity was falling right in their lap. He didn't need to, loose lips was spilling the beans without any further prompting.

"Gonna be busy early next week boys. Huge shipment is coming in and its gonna get trucked over here to the warehouse same day. We gonna have to move the stuff real quick to clear the decks. Shitload of powder to move. We are all gonna be richer this time next week"

_Come on Ryan – he's your runner partner. Do it! Get something more out of him. This is our chance._

Starsky wondered if he should take a shot of getting some more lowdown from Kalzo's man himself. But then Ryan spoke up.

"No shit?" Ryan angled for the specifics . He turned to acknowledge Starsky.

"Hey Dave that's good news, cos you need the money bad. Hope you will be still around to take the jobs. Hey….what day is the deal going down, when will the stuff get trucked into here ?"

Starsky held his breath. Would this guy just clam up?

"Ship comes in Wednesday late – not long before midnight. Gonna have the loads arriving here just after dawn so we can get most of it out of here by the end of Thursday. So yeah, Thursday will be a big day for you Dave. You should get plenty of runs."

They had the information Starsky had been waiting for.

He would call Hutch this evening.

Maybe he would be out of here within five days or so.

It couldn't be quick enough for Starsky.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOoo

He had finished his shower. The grinding pipes clanked as the taps were turned off and the rusty loops on the shower curtain scrapped across their track.

Taps running again – he was probably shaving. He had noted that Starsky did it after showering.

He was content to just sit here and wait. A certain level of apprehension had been building in him since the run and now he was happy to just sit and let it filter through him. When the door to the small bathroom opened Ryan felt the energy in him change from apprehension to a frisson of excitement.

Anticipation.

Starsky stepped out of the small room bringing with him a cloud of steam and hot moisture. It clung to his damp body.

"Oh man that was good. Needed that after that run. Don't think I am as fit as I used to be, my muscles were screaming."

He moved now toward the small bed where he had his bag tossed, its contents spilled out across the tatty blankets.

Ryan watched his partner as he sauntered in only the way that Starsky could. His thick chest hair was still damp and Ryan's eyes were drawn momentarily to the glint of the Chinese coin sitting against the damp skin. He had a towel tucked firmly about his waist and his strong abdominal muscles splayed clearly above the line of white toweling.

His dark curly hair was dripping lightly onto his broad olive shoulders and there was a rivulet of water running down the side of his arm. Ryan followed the track of the water for a second as it slipped down the strong arm.

Every singular visual stimulus from drops of water, to the glinting coin and the demarcated musculature seemed heightened in their intensity in those few moments.

Ryan's senses were being overloaded by the solid presence of this one man who now stood very close to him.

The male musky odor of sweat that had clung to Starsky's skin after the run was gone now but in its place Ryan could smell the crisp lemon scent that was his aftershave. He preferred the muskiness but the crispness assailed him now all the same.

Starsky leaned down to his bag and retrieved his loose pyjama bottoms, put them to the side as he reassembled and tied up the tossed and disordered clothes.

"Hutch must be right…I do need to get into jogging more…great for fitness."

Ryan stayed seated, lounged lazily on the small singular seat, his big body sprawled loosely and his head to the side watching each move of the man who was bombarding his senses.

Bombarding him by simply standing there totally unaffected and guileless.

Unaware of his own male beauty.

"Oh I don't know Starsky – I would say that your body is very fit" the words were low and drawled.

Starsky gave a light laugh and turned toward the bed. The next move that Starsky made was the one Ryan had been waiting for.

The one he had waited for since that last night over five years ago.

When he had watched Starsky in the Academy shower room.

Until it happened he had no appreciation of how long he had wanted this.

Wanted this man.

Wanted a man he could not have. Until now.

Starsky was here right now with him and by God he wanted to reach out and take him for himself.

In one fluid movement Starsky pulled the towel away from his body and threw it toward the end of the bed. He went to lean over to reach for his loose cotton pants.

The languidness left Ryan and he was on his feet and closing the small gap between him and Starsky.

Starsky had his back turned to him and was facing toward the bed and the small nightstand. Ryan lifted his hand up to the still damp nape of Starsky's neck and thrust his fingers into his curls. With his other hand he reached around the firm middle, brushed his fingers and palm down over the solid mass of abdominals and further down till his fingers felt the crisp wetness of Starsky's pubic hair.

At the same time he brought his face in fast and hard and pushed his wet mouth against Starsky ear. A deep groan was emitted from his wet mouth.

Ryan's body was infused with electricity and consuming heat. In that short instant he felt the strength of his arousal, his cock hardening even more than it had been while he sat watching Starsky minutes before.

Gratification was wrenched from his hands in a savage movement.

Starsky whirled on him his eyes blazing and shocked, his body in full defense mode. He had brought back his elbow hard and sharp into Ryan's midsection and Ryan stumbled back, winded but still wild-eyed with hunger.

"What the FUCK? What are you doing? " He pushed at Ryan again even further removing him from his personal space and at the same time made a grab for the previously discarded towel.

"What is this Ryan? Are you making a fucking move on me here? Is this some kind of joke? Where has this come from?"

Ryan stumbled away a few steps still getting his breath, and wiped at the corner of his mouth where saliva had pooled when his gut reacted to the blow .

"Jesus Starsky you sure know how to burn a guy's gut." He stood rubbing at his midsection and smiling nonchalantly back at the still bewildered Starsky.

"Ryan talk to me here! What is this? What just happened here?"

Ryan had walked back toward Starsky now. Starsky had put the towel back on, but stood his ground. He did not move back away from Ryan's return to his personal space.

Ryan just continued to smile lightly and looked unruffled by Starsky's flared eyes.

"Just what it was Starsk. You know I have always wanted you. Just thought tonight you were letting me know that you felt the same. After all, you were just standing there waiting for me, wasn't that what you were doing?" His eyes travelled down again to the area that the towel was now concealing and Starsky felt those burning into the private parts of his body. He could swear his balls were heating up.

"You know you have really lost me here Ryan. I have no idea what the hell you are talking about – this is total crap. I was not "waiting for you" just now, I just had a fucking shower and was getting changed.

He paused now and looked more closely at Ryan.

"Ok. Lets back track here for a moment. So Ryan I'm getting the picture here pretty fast that you're gay.

Now I have no problem with that, must say I am surprised about it….but….Ryan…I don't want you to think that I….

Hey, I'm sorry if I lashed out at you then, but you damn well took me by surprise and well….it's just not gonna happen ok? You and me Ryan – not gonna happen."

Ryan's face twisted a little " So Starsky if its not going to be you and me is that because it's you and Hutchinson."

Starsky rapidly reconsidered his attempt to meet this man more than half way.

"This has nothing to do with Hutch you fucker! This has to do with you and what you just pulled here on me. You just moved on me – I don't want it and I don't like it. I don't want you to do it again ever, ever you hear Ryan?

We are here to work this case. Christ had I known this is what was in your head I would not have agreed to go under with you – but we're here and we have to make this work.

I have no problem with your sexual preferences Ryan. But just leave me out of your equation from now on.

Are we clear?"

He could not believe that this was a conversation he was having with the man with whom he was right in the middle of an undercover assignment. These sort of things just were not meant to happen in a cop's life.

Getting hit on was one thing, but getting hit on by the man who was supposed to be working with you on a highly dangerous job – right in the middle of the highly dangerous job- should just NOT happen.

_Oh Starsky! What the fuck have you gotten yourself into here ? Should have listened to Hutch's bad feelings about this guy._

He could not believe that Ryan was still standing there looking at him with that arrogant half smile, almost as if he didn't really care what he had just been saying. As though he expected him to change his mind and all of this was ok by him and that he in fact wanted him.

_Oh God. How am I going to get through the rest of this assignment?_

"I can see that this thing has gotten you rattled." Ryan was still downplaying the event and his reaction.

"Hell you are damn right there! Your actions could screw this whole case up. I don't know how I am going to work with you now. This whole thing just feels unstable now."

"Oh I see…so you think then that because I am gay I cannot partner you up in this operation. Are you passing judgment on me here now Starsky as a person? As a cop?"

"You know damn well that is not what I am saying and quit puttin' words in my mouth you loser! I don't give a flyin' fuck if you're gay or you wanta have sex with six baboons at once – the problem is I rely on you and I don't feel like I can rely on you when I'm worrying about you wantin' to jump my bones every moment of the day!"

"Well Starsky, I would say that is your problem not mine. I am a cop and a good cop and I always will be. Wanting to "jump your bones" or anyone else's bones as you say, makes no fucking difference to my skills as a cop."

Ryan's face was dark with anger now and he was grinding one hand into the other as he spoke.

"Don't you threaten me with that shit Starsky. Don't come on with the departmental stance that we have zero tolerance for gays because we're weak pussies and we can't be real men. "

"Ryan you are bendin' and twistin' everythin' I say here. That stuff is all in your head or you've heard it from someone else cos' I sure as hell didn't put that out there.

It's simple – you get emotional, ya' get sloppy. You get sidetracked with your dick – no matter whether it is with another man or a woman – ya get sloppy. You know the drill as well as I do. As you say you're a detective and a cop same as I am. And yeah- we are both as good as each other until one of us gets sidetracked with emotional shit. Take you're eye off the game here Ryan and we're no longer undercover cops. We're sitting ducks for Kalzo's men."

"Oh you make me laugh Starsky. You really do. All this crap about being emotional and being led by your dick…you and Hutch have done it your whole careers."

Starsky's blood was boiling and he was breathing deeply now to find a way out of this disaster. Smashing Ryan in the face right now was not an option – not if he didn't want the whole department coming down on him with an IA investigation. Not if he wanted to stay alive undercover.

"One of us has to leave this room right now Ryan before we step across a line here. "

He was pulling on his jeans and t-shirt now, uncaring of Ryan's moody presence and eyes on his body. For all he cared now Ryan could look as much as he wanted. He obviously had been over the past few days. He continued to dress and continued to breath in and out and made sure he did not look at Ryan.

He grabbed up the car keys and his wallet and the extra key to the warehouse bunk out.

"I suggest it be me".

He threw open the battered up door and stalked out.


	8. Chapter 8

**If I Can't Have You **

**In this chapter I have chosen to pull the story out of Starsky's head - Starsky first person.**

**Poor Starsky is trapped in a terrible situation with Ryan and Hutch can't help him. **

**Chapter 8**

I had no idea where I was going of course, but Christ I just had to get out of that room. Had to get away from him. What a mess, what a god damn awful mess.

How could this have happened?

Bad enough being in that stinking shit hole of a warehouse bunk room for days on end, having to ride shotgun with some crazed cokehead, get my face punched in by that same crazed cokehead and now this!

Get freaking nearly sexually assaulted by my supposed reliable and trusty undercover partner.

This was not turning out well.

Trouble is when you're undercover there is no where you can really go to get away from the reality that is not of course your reality. I needed to go somewhere where I could just decompress from something that happened in my undercover job that had absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with my undercover job!

The real David Starsky needed to cut loose and pull his dismantled self together. Trouble was there was nowhere to go where I felt comfortable, that I was familiar with and where I would be readily accepted and preferably left alone. Left alone in privacy where I could to do whatever it was that I needed to do to feel ok.

To feel ok after what had just happened between Ryan and me.

_Nothing happened between Ryan and me you idiot! It only happened to me. There is no "between" us except in Ryan's mind._

That was the big concern here. Ryan had acted toward me in a way, which had totally unbalanced our professional and personal relationship. I had done nothing except be my own self. Now I was left feeling off guard, uncertain and lacking confidence with the whole operation we were supposedly staging here.

Once I had started up the heap of a car that was meant to be Ryan's personal vehicle, I found myself heading to the nearest neighborhood bar. Now - the area where the warehouse was located and where Ryan and I were effectively living , did not bode well for any bar, café or diner. I would not include restaurants simply because I could not be confident that this area could even boast a restaurant. Greasy spoons and all night diners were more in keeping with this undesirable locale.

By the time I had pulled up at one of the bars that I passed a few times on my journeys every day, I was in serious need of hard liquor – and fast.

Two drinks in and I sat back for a while to soak up the ambience that was downtown warehouse district. No surprises here. It was dirty, cheap, tawdry and noisy. But it provided me with privacy and quiet where I could just get down to the job of self-pitying .

With the burning whiskey and water on my tongue I consoled myself that at least the size and décor were an improvement on the room where Ryan and I were bunking. That was one feature worth noting. That was a major plus for this lowly little bottom dwelling bar.

The other major plus that this crappy little bar had going for it was that it did not come complete with a certain beefy and overly amorous undercover cop.

The cramped little sleep out at the warehouse had become a whole lot more cramped for me after tonight.

The rest of the glass of whisky went down as I asked myself again how I was going to be able to survive the duration of this operation. And that is even before I factored in the possibility of getting a bullet in my head thanks to the drug fuelled , off the rails, Nick!

Now I was left with the challenge of dealing with my own undercover partner before I could even get around to worrying about the risks involved in the actual operation.

Against my better judgment I signaled the bartender for a third drink. Besides, I thought my judgment could not be counted on for anything anyway. May as well blow it right out of the water. After tonight I doubted I was even capable of having "better" judgment.

So third drink in and my reflection in the cracked and discolored bar mirror was starting to look a little more mellowed than the reflection I saw when I first entered the bar. Then I had caught myself and was shocked to see a face that looked like it had just found out I was sentenced to ten years for a crime I didn't do. At least now I looked like my sentence had been downgraded .

The miracle of alcohol. I needed its powers badly right at that point to blur out the edges of the memory of Ryan. His hand on my neck and …and …then his hand on my - oh ...shit on my …

I swiped at my ear where I could still feel the breath of his hot wet mouth.

_Jesus Christ. _

Why did life do this? Keep jumping up and surprising the shit out of us just when we thought we had it sort of figured out. This man who had pawed at me earlier could not possibly be the man I had trained with, known for years and who I had now worked with closely for days on end.

Where had there been any signal that he was this person?

But then I remembered and thought about the past couple of days. His behavior in the room with me and even outside.

_The way he has been watching me. Studying me when he thinks I have not noticed him. Following me with his eyes when I walk. Looking too closely at my mouth when I speak._

The signals were there. I had just not wanted to read them.

In the haze of the smoke-filled bar I made out the bank of payphones in the back corner near the john.

I needed to call Dobey about the new information. This time however I listened to my better judgment. Although it was not all that late, it would not do too well to have him listen to my report when I couldn't be sure how I might sound after three quick stiff drinks – make that doubles. I had not eaten and the effects of the strong spirit were making themselves noticeable.

Numbness and calm. A sense of not worrying too much about whatever was going on around me, as I was happy in my own little head. A good feeling for sure, but not a safe one to have when you were an undercover cop in a seedy bar in a lowdown district.

Here I had to remember I was not a cop, but a down and outer who was after some quick cash running jobs for a drug ring. Too much of this numbness could lead to me forgetting that. I did a cursory sweep of the bar but couldn't see any of the men who worked around the warehouse with Kalzo.

The payphones.

I pushed away from the bar and walked over to the booth furthest in the corner. With my back to the wall and facing the bar so that I could see if anyone was taking an overactive interest in my phone conversation, I dialed the number.

It had only been less than a week but the sound of his voice was better than any amount of double whiskeys for soothing my frayed mood.

"Hey. Wasn't sure if you'd be home."

"Hey yourself. Where else would I be at ten o'clock on a weeknight when I am supposed to be recuperating you big meathead?"

"Ah ha! That's right Blondie, just checkin' that ya' still recuperatin' and not gallavantin' round town by ya' self"

"Sounds like you might be the one who has been gallivanting around town Starsk. Not like you to be hitting the juice hard when you're on a job."

Nothing would go by him, even when I had been trying my hardest to sound totally sober. Might as well give up the act.

"Yeah well there has been migrat….mititat….whatever those circumstances are.."

"Mitigating."

"Yeah those ones"

"What's wrong Starsky? What's happening there?"

"Well…I gotta' call Dobey and tell him about …" I kept my eye on the room.

"About the details."

"Starsky we know about the shipment, Dobey has already called me earlier this evening. Dobson got onto to him."

So Ryan had obviously managed to make a call to his captain.

"Well Ryan has been one busy man tonight then hasn't he"? I gave a semi sarcastic chuckle.

"Forget about the case for a moment Starsky – are you ok? Why are you hitting it so hard tonight? Is Ryan with you? Where are you now?"

"I'm in some bar not far from the warehouse. Its not a very pretty bar Hutch, but its damn better than the hole where we are stayin'. Needed some air – needed to get out by myself for a little while."

He was waiting for me to go on. I could see him standing there with the phone pressed against his blond head, looking earnest and intent. The crease in the middle of eyes deepening as he listened and considered my words. Considered the words that I did not speak out loud.

Now that he was on the end of the phone and his voice was so close and so real I wanted to spill it all to him. Somehow he could make sense of it better than I could. Hutch was good at understanding people and stuff like that – explaining why things happened in life. All I had to do was tell him.

But of course I couldn't tell him. For so many reasons.

I faltered. "I – It …"

He sensed it.

"What Starsk? What is it?"

I exhaled loudly now. Frustrated for putting myself in this position so quickly into the conversation where I couldn't even begin to hold back from sharing with him. Sharing information that would only make matters a lot worse for the operation and me.

"It's just hard you know. Its hard Hutch. Being stuck nose to nose with another cop for days and nights on end . It's just not the same…."

_As being with you. Because we just get each other. There is no work involved with us. _

"Well – anyway, just had to get out " I had to divert away from Ryan now as I could swear I could feel Hutch's tension coming through the phone at the mention of Ryan's name. He never liked him of course.

"Starsky, is it all ok with – with Ryan?"

_Sure it is Hutch. It is just fine. He's having a great time trying to feel me up and to slobber in my ear. He is convinced I want him as much as he wants me. Yeah it's just fine._

"Well he's no fun eatin' out with cos he never leaves half his pizza like you always do for me to finish up. He snores a bit louder than you do, but apart from that, yeah everything is ok."

I repeated it for good measure and to try to convince myself even if I was not doing a very good job of convincing Hutch.

"Everything is ok."

"Then why are you downing drinks?"

"Hey, what is this? Can't a man let his hair down?"

"Not when you're by yourself with no one to watch you while you are undercover. You know better than to drink a lot when you're under – leaves you too open Starsky.

So I'm thinking that you must be feeling pretty low right now to be doing this."

He last statement was a question hanging there for me to answer.

"The guy I am doing the runs with – he's hard work and he wears me down. Likes to indulge in the goods he pedals. Its not easy keeping him in check when we're on the job as he is hell bent on getting into everyone's face."

"Yes heard about him from Dobey – Kalzo's relative isn't he? Also heard he has a liking for using his fists. How's the eye Starsk?"

Good we were back on safer ground. Ryan was off the radar for now.

"Damn well hurts that's for sure. Crazy whippo! Lucky I am undercover or I would be getting some of my own back when Uncle Kalzo wasn't watchin'"

"Hey, don't worry Starsk, when the bust goes down I will find the jerk and give him two black eyes for you."

"Awwhh that's the Hutch I know. An eye for an eye. Huh! Get it ? Eye for an eye?"

"Yeah Starsky I got it. " The sound of that soft Hutchinson laugh and the rolled eyed expression I just knew would be going with it seemed to travel down the phone line right into my weary spirit. Familiar therapy. I greedily swallowed the medicine.

"Try not to put yourself in a position again where this nutcase can get at you. I'd like you in one piece when I see you again."

"Wouldn't mind that myself partner. I'll do my best, but this Nick sure likes to put me in situations where both of our bodies could end up in several pieces…

I heard his sharp intake of breath. I had to stop doing this, using Hutch as a sounding board for my own worries. All I was doing was worrying him and that was worse because he could not do anything to help me right now.

Oh….sorry Hutch ….only jokin'. Only jokin' . It's ok, I can take care of him."

"Look Hutch, I'd better go. I've been out a while and you're right, I should be back at the post and not out here in the open. Just wanted to talk to ya' tonight that's all."

_Away from Ryan._

"I wanted to hear from you too Starsk. I hate these damn jobs where you or I go under and we can't contact or talk. I hate getting everything from Dobey and not straight from you. Its hard on me too Buddy.

I am worried about you out there on this job – without me".

"Hey no more startin' up with that stuff. Too late anyway, the job is nearly done. By Thursday I will be out of this shithole. Back in my own bed, sittin' on my own couch, drivin' my own car and - workin' with my own partner."

"Hey couldn't have said it better Gordo. I will even have the pepperoni pizza waitin' for you."

'Sounds good Hutch. And Hutch – don't think I won't know if you haven't been restin' up when I see ya' either. I wanna' see more meat on your bones."

"Huh . Already happening buddy. Even my jeans don't need that belt anymore. Maybe that's because I 'm getting to eat real food while you're not here shoving junk food down my throat every minute."

"Whatever it takes Blintz. Whatever it takes. Just get strong again ok?"

"Starsk will you stop worrying about me. You are the one with your head on the line here. Now you had better get going before Ryan sends out the force looking for you."

_If only he knew how I do not want to go back to that room, to Ryan._

" 'K Hutch. Be seein' ya soon Blondie"

"And you too Gordo, tell Ryan he had better be doing his job watching your back for me."

With that we both hung up the line.

He was gone.

I was on my own again.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

It was only a short drive back to the warehouse which was probably good because I had stupidly had too much to drink and should not have risked getting into a situation where I was driving around with that much alcohol in my system.

As soon as I approached the door to the room, total sobriety hit me in the face. No more protective numbness from the whiskey.

Shit I should have brought a bottle back with me so I could drink myself to sleep and to lock out the reality of what was on the other side of this paint peeled busted up door.

He was just sitting there propped up against the bed head waiting for me to walk in when he heard the key in the lock.

He didn't look any different to how he had always looked to me - even since his Academy days. His black straight hair was off his face and he pushed it back again as he watched me with his dark eyes. His face was not that much older than how it had appeared then, but perhaps his mouth seem tighter, his lips a bit thinner giving the impression of him being sardonic. His smiles never quite made it to being a full smile and always stopped just short of expressing humour or joy remaining fixed in an expression of sarcasm or arrogance.

Maybe he had never really smiled - it was too hard for me to remember clearly now.

What was different about him was his size. Always a gym junkie in his rookie training days , maturity had filled him out to the point that he was now bulky.

So here he was, just sitting there and looking like he looked to me earlier in the week. The same Ryan and yet not the same Ryan. In my mind and while I had been going over what happened in the bar, I guess I almost expected him to have morphed into someone that no longer resembled the man I had known.

_Well here it is Starsky. Meet it head on. Round two with something you have no idea how to fight against._

''You've been gone a while."

"Went and got a drink."

"Not a wise thing to do when you're undercover."

"Know that. Had to."

"So you had drinks, a few, and then what? Did you phone Hutchinson"?

"Yep. I had drinks. A few. And then I phoned Hutch. Hit the buzzer on every one Ryan."

I was not interested in this conversation. My head was starting to throb with a dull ache from no food and three double whiskeys. My bruised eye was not helping the cause. I grabbed my hand towel and headed to the bathroom to wash up before I hit the mattress.

Ryan spoke to me from outside in the room. I would have liked to drown his words out with the running water as I washed my face but I could still hear him. He had that deep resonating voice that was so easily heard.

"Stupid move Starsky. Stupid to call Hutch from a bar when you were drinking. You could have been made. Someone could have been tagging you, watching you in the bar. One of Kalzo's men."

I walked back into the room now drying my face and slapped the towel down angrily onto the bed.

"I am not a fuckin' rookie. I do know how to operate. Do not lecture me on protocol - detective."

I changed the topic.

"Heard you got a report through to Dobson"

"Well just as well isn't it? Seems you are only interested in contacting your partner."

"I don't want a fight Ryan. So stop now."

"You ran out of here before like a dog with his tail between it's legs. Did you go and tell Hutch everything"?

"What I tell Hutch is none of your fuckin' business Ryan. But so you know, I would not drag him into any of this ….this…"

"This what Starsky? This what"?

"Whatever it is that you were thinking might happen with me - and – you. I don't want Hutch knowing all this shit."

The look of relief on his face was patently obvious.

"Well that's good Starsky because I'd like to keep it private too. Just between us."

"Look Ryan, get it through your head for Christ sakes. There is no "between us". No "us" . We are cops together in a job. That's it. "

As I uttered those words they made me think of other times, so many times before where I had used the small words "us" , "me", "you".

The mantra of my partnership with Hutch.

_There is no just you or just me, only us. You and Me._

_Thee and me._

The exact antithesis of what I was trying to get through to this man right now.

Ryan just gave me that same look, the look I now recognized as the one he had given me so often since we got here. Like he wanted to say something but never said it.

I sat on the side of my bed and massaged my temples, hoping that the aspirin I had taken in the bathroom would kick in real soon.

"We have a few days left here yet before the bust. How we are going to get through those days together locked up in this small room is something you and I are going to have work out now Ryan."

"What's to work out Starsky? You say you're not interested in me and yet I am sure that is not the case. I think that you just need to experiment a bit, now you have the opportunity."

"Experiment? With what? What opportunity for God's sake".

"Experiment with someone other than Hutch and the opportunity to do so while you two are apart and you are here with me."

"Oh for fuck's sake Ryan. What is this shit?"

I really did not think I could take any more of this. The best way for me to play it now I decided was to under react and under play what he was throwing at me.

I lay down, making sure I still had my jeans and light t-shirt on and pulled the thin tattered covers over me.

"Ryan all I ask is that you go back to being who and what you were when we first started this job. Forget all about this stuff from tonight and just be a cop and I' ll be the cop you're partnered with on an undercover job. Ok simple?"

"You think it as simple as that?"

"Yeah I do Ryan. I do. We have got to get to the end of this operation and being cops is all we need to worry about.

Now I am going to sleep. Turn out the damn light."

**oooOOOoooOOOooo**

**Dear Reader,**

**I write each chapter one by one, letting the story unravel itself. I do not store chapters to upload at staggered intervals. Writing is a creative medium and I would love you all to be involved. So please, please if you want to say something about the story than review so I know what you are thinking.**

**I have only a rough idea what is going to happen in subsequent chapters, I will have to let Starsky, Hutch and Ryan tell me where it will lead.**


	9. Chapter 9

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter 9**

He hadn't been able to get to sleep. Of course he hadn't. The phone call that he had unconsciously been waiting for the past few days had finally come and now it was over the relief that he had thought it would have brought him was no relief at all.

The expectation that some tangible form of communication with his partner would erase all the uncertainty and worry he harbored about this assignment was far from met.

If anything the call and the sound of Starsky's voice …the words that he said…and the words that he didn't say, had all made him feel less certain, and even more worried about this assignment.

More worried about Starsky being partnered undercover with Ryan.

For five days he had waited for Starsky to call him. He knew that he would no doubt hear word through Dobey or Dobson about how the case was shaping up but on a personal level he was not sure when Starsky could or would make contact with him. Inside to outside or outside to inside contact or communication was strictly discouraged during an undercover job. Bugging of telephones and residences was becoming commonplace. Even though the roles that Ryan and Starsky had taken on in this case, as low tier runners, did not attract that much attention from the higher levels on the business side of the criminal pyramid, there was nonetheless a risk in any form of contact which compromised a cop's undercover identity.

Despite all of this, the rules, the policy, Hutch knew that if it was at all possible, he would eventually hear from his partner. It was just the way that their partnership worked.

It was just the way that their friendship worked.

And so the call came in eventually and Hutch had tried to hear everything that his partner was not saying to him because that was the important part of the conversation and Hutch could sense that as soon as he heard Starsky's slightly slurred, flat voice on the end of the line.

It was not just the concrete signs that all was not well – Starsky drinking during a big case when he was by himself, being out at a bar by himself in a middle of an undercover case – those in themselves were red lights to Hutch.

No, it was more the rhythm of his partner's words, the hollowness and greyness where there was usual substance and brightness. The low flame where there was usually crackle and flame.

Starsky was not an easy character to beat down mentally. Of the two of them Hutch knew his partner's strength was fierce and resolute.

But tonight even in the brief exchange they shared – Hutch could hear and feel that his friend felt displaced and uncertain.

What concerned him the most was that even though his partner had tried to make him believe that his flat mood was all down to the assignment, Hutch did not for a minute believe that was the situation at all.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

**Tuesday **

**The Warehouse**

He was not sure how but somehow he had gotten through the last two days.

When Starsky took stock of himself and his current situation he appreciated at least two discernible things about that personal stock-take.

One - he was still alive and in one piece. This despite the fact that he had had several more runs with Nick. Nick must have been losing interest in him as a new man to toy with and to provoke because the jobs had been relatively smooth transactions and not peppered with the type of wildly histrionic behaviour Nick had previously displayed during the first two days.

So being in one piece was good and being alive was even better. Starsky just hoped Nick kept taking his meds or whatever it was that was keeping him on a more even keel.

The second part of his personal inventory was that he and Ryan were managing to keep out of each other's way even though they were of course still sharing the small confines of the room.

The morning after Starsky had gone to the bar and spoke to Hutch, Ryan was not communicative and left Starsky to himself as both men prepared for the day ahead with their respective running partners.

That evening a group of the guys all got together and shared some beers and food in one of the empty rooms in the back of the warehouse. There were a few of them bunking there like Ryan and Starsky and now that they had been working alongside each other for a few days, the step to socializing was natural. Not that it was anything more than a handful of guys, beers and a portable TV in the background where a game played – but it was a small symbolism of unity.

These were the parts of undercover work that Starsky always found the most difficult. When he needed to take the step from simply being an individual in a particular role to being a member of an identifiable group. For him it was always tinged with a certain amount of guilt, because now he was not just doing his job by posing as another character in order to gain access to information or to effect change in a system – now he was impacting on people's lives.

Some of those people could be totally innocent of the corruption he was trying to stem. He didn't like to think too much about what inevitable chain reaction his role in being undercover could ultimately cause – and what that chain reaction might do to hurt or damage innocent people.

As he looked about that small room in the warehouse that night and listened to the men joke and share stories, he was divided now.

Between being a cop and a human being.

Sure these guys were petty criminals – some not even so petty. Not when you considered the bigger picture of what effects the drugs they were pedaling were having on society.

But at the end of the day they were merely couriers – albeit couriers of illicit goods – who had found work in order to bring in money. Money that Starsky knew for some of them at least, would be sustaining families, their kids, their mothers – whoever.

There was no easy black and white here and if he thought too much about it, he started to lose all objectivity.

So the days here in this operation were passing and somehow the grinding monotony of being holed up in the room with Ryan had been broken by these small opportunities to be outside of that restricted atmosphere. These times were also used to try to gather as much useful information on the organization as possible and to hone in on the details of the new load that was coming in on Wednesday night.

Ryan was on the other side of the room sharing a beer with Luke the guy he also did his runs with and Starsky was hoping that Luke would once again be divesting himself of some inside information such as he had done the day he had told them about the shipment.

Starsky was listening to one of the older men now sharing a story about an incident that occurred on one of the runs that afternoon. As he lifted his head to laugh at a comment made by the man, he caught sight of Ryan.

He was sitting silently, just staring directly at Starsky – watching him in that intrusive way now that Starsky was almost used to. He did not even appear to be listening to the other guy talking to him and Starsky wondered what the others would make of his behavior. Thankfully a cursory sweep of the room told him that most of them were oblivious of Ryan's penetrative gaze.

Unfortunately Nick, his own runner partner was uncharacteristically more intuitive than the other men – maybe because he had a stronger connection to Starsky.

He turned as he caught Nick at his side, a sly look on his face and his eyes narrowed as he spoke now to Starsky.

"Hey man, don't look like your friend there is feeling too kindly toward you. You two have a falling out? Better watch your self there Davey, he's gotta mean look about him and I think that look is meant for you."

Of all the men in the room that Starsky could have done without noticing Ryan, it was Nick. It was interesting that Nick had totally misconstrued Ryan's look.

He was only half joking now when he fobbed Nick off.

"Nah. No beef between us. He loves me."

_Christ ain't that the truth?_

All at once he felt acutely uncomfortable. This was a new behavior by Ryan – normally reserving this intense visual appraisal of him for when they were in private or no one else was aware of his actions.

Starsky just had to stand to walk away to break the intensity of the gaze he felt was almost burning into his face.

As he pulled another beer out of the small fridge he couldn't help but think that what Ryan was doing now, in front of the other men, was intentionally done to affect him in exactly the way it had done.

Ryan was becoming progressively inappropriate and overt with his surveillance of Starsky.

Starsky felt concerned at the realization that Ryan's degenerative behavior had begun to escalate.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

Another night passed in their shared accommodation. Tuesday night was another hurdle surpassed – or so it seemed to Starsky.

It was late by the time they left the other men and Starsky welcomed the feeling of fatigue and the dulling effects of the beers that had been consumed over the past hours. Once they both retired for the evening Starsky involved himself with a magazine and only used monosyllabic responses to Ryan's attempts at any conversation.

How long he could go on like this he was not sure.

Ryan seemed to have infinite tolerance for the awkward moments caused by his withdrawal from him and the drawn out silences and pregnant pauses that hung in the claustrophobic air of the small room.

In contrast, Starsky found ever moment almost painful.

Starsky had the sense that although Ryan had backed off physically from him, he had intensified his psychological tactics. Starsky was becoming overly jumpy and hypersensitive to living in proximity to such continued intense examination from another person.

It was, he was beginning to think, almost as unbearable as being held under gunpoint by some crazed trigger-happy thug. Even at its very worst scenario, the gun would explode, the bullet impacting and awarding some sort of finality and a sense of closure. But in contrast there seemed no end point, no such finality to this wracking drawn out mental game Ryan was playing with him.

Starsky now had a whole new level of respect for the term psychological torture.

An hour or so after they had turned out the light, Starsky lay as he did every night since Ryan went for him, facing the other man's bed. He needed this one small self-defensive tactic – to keep Ryan under direct visual surveillance. He hated to admit it even to himself, but he was now almost afraid to go to sleep.

_Only a couple of more days. You can do this. Only a couple of more days. All finished. Back home. Keep it together. _

As sleep took him and his was finally given the reprieve that he needed – to let go of the taut wire of stress, he had one final thought.

_Please let this be over soon._

And if for some reason this operation was not wound up in the next two days – well he had already made the decision – he was pulling out.

Either way he would leave.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

In the end, Starsky did not have to wait much longer.

Ryan's ultimate actions took the decision away from him.

The metaphorical gun, which he had trained on Starsky, was fired. The finality that Starsky had wished for arrived.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

**Wednesday**

Ryan's runner partner walked toward them as Starsky and Nick climbed out of the car. They had just returned from their last job that morning. Most of the men had started early and clocked up several jobs before midday. Kalzo had wanted everything cleaned up before the next big arrival of goods early on Thursday morning.

It was to be all hands on deck for the load that was coming in and so all men were expected to have their jobs finished and be ready for directions the next day.

Luke, Ryan's partner was friendly as he approached the other two runners.

"Hey seeing as we have all finished for the day, how about we get out of here for a few hours and go catch some beers and a game or two of pool. Need to chill out for a while. You two in?"

Nick was in a good mood today and readily accepted for both he and Starsky.

"Sure Man! Where's Ryan? He coming too?"

"Yeah he's waiting in the car. Lets quit this place for a while. Kalzo's fine with us splitting for the afternoon – just as long as we are all here after midnight."

So it was decided. At least Starsky thought it freed him up from a potentially long afternoon in the room with Ryan alone. He had planned on just going back to the sleeping quarters and crashing, for he certainly felt sleep deprived, but it would not be good to say no to Luke and Nick.

He locked up the car and walked off with the other two men to where Ryan was waiting in his car.

oooOOOoooOOOooo

Several drinks in, two pool games later and the afternoon passing, the four men had all begun to unwind from the morning activity of the dirty business of working as a runner for a drug ring.

Here was another time where Starsky had to remind himself who and what he was, and what exactly he was doing in this situation.

It was so easy to be caught up in the fabric of a false identity that within no time it became second nature to think like his undercover persona and not himself. As he went for the shot and lined up his pool cue he told himself that he was a cop and this was part of the job. He was not Dave the runner who needed to chill out from the harsh realities of his lifestyle, and these men were not his real co-workers but in fact the very men he had been sent in to put the finger on and ultimately arrest.

He placed the shot with alacrity and happily cheered for himself as the ball shot into the pocket. Looking up to smile at the others he forgot for a moment that vital piece of information – I am a cop. I will be taking these men in.

No, he was not going to think about it. Just for a while he was going to play this game, drink his beer and stay in this time frame. Reality could wait just a bit longer. And so too, he thought could the reality of going back to his lodgings with Ryan.

As he smiled up at Luke who was raucously cheering his shot, he caught Ryan's eyes. Once more he had Starsky in his sights and his eyes lingered on his face and then purposely, slowly, and so obviously moved away and down to Starsky's ass.

He gave that tight little smile that Starsky had in fact come to hate. Only days before Starsky had accepted that this was just a trait of the man he had been partnered with – nothing more than that. Just a characteristic sort of smile.

Now, that same small smile, made Starsky feel sick to the bottom of his stomach.

Starsky threw the cue down.

"Be back – gotta visit the john."

As he walked away he knew without looking that a pair of dark eyes would be burning into his back.

_Get me outta here!_

In the bathroom he stared at the dirty-yellowed tiles as he peed.

Never had a job felt so hard to do. Never had he wanted out so badly before.

He was zipping himself back up when he sensed movement behind him. Even before he turned he knew he would be there. Just standing, hip against the entrance wall, taking in the view of Starsky and what he had just put back in his pants.

Starsky moved over to the basin.

"You know what Ryan – you are really starting to piss me off big time."

"Oh?"

"Just back off will ya'. This is almost over. Almost in the bag. Don't push this anymore than you already have."

Ryan kicked the bathroom door closed behind him and advanced toward Starsky who stood facing him with his back against the mirrored bank of basins.

"But that's the problem Starsk. It is almost over and I_ am_ running out of time."

Starsky tried to read what was in those black eyes but before he got the chance Ryan's bulk was on him.

He lunged at Starsky and pushed him bodily against the corner of the room, his big muscled arms circling Starsky's chest and his whole body pushing into him, forcing Starsky's head back. He lifted one big meaty arm now and brought his hand up to pull at Starsky's curls pulling his head roughly back.

Ryan's face was suddenly pressed into his and in one violent motion he thrust his tongue into Starsky's shocked and open mouth.

Starsky's struggled and pulled against him but the grip that Ryan had on him was like a vice.

_Jesus this guy is strong!_

Ryan's other hand left Starsky's chest now and found its way down to his crotch. He squeezed hard and rubbed his hand roughly over the bulge in Starsky's tight jeans.

"Oh fuck I want you Starsky. I want you so much. Always have, ever since that night in the showers at the academy. You were waiting for me weren't you? You wanted me too. But I never – got the chance. Not then…have the chance now".

He kept running his tongue over Starsky's face and gasping out the words.

"I 've had to wait all this time to touch you – can't wait any longer – oh my God Starsky!"

Starsky was beyond panicked. He had never known strength like this and he had never know this sort of fear. He had experienced pain many times before in his life, pain and fear of that pain, but never this sort of fear.

A fear of not having any control over something he did not even undertand.

_Why is he doing this? Why is he doing this to me?_

He struggled and pushed, kicked with his legs and bucked but the combination of Ryan's physical size and the strength borne out of lust driven mania, was unstoppable.

He couldn't even get words out as Ryan had pushed his face so tightly against his own and was holding his head in such a brutal grip that he was beginning to think that the flesh would start to tear off his bones. Ryan's long slim fingers were surprisingly strong and they dug into Starsky's skin now like rods of steel.

Starsky was yelling at Ryan but it was as though Ryan was in another zone.

Whereas a few seconds earlier Starsky was terrified that someone would crash into the bathroom and discover them – now he almost wanted the door to open – he would welcome someone walking in on them. The situation had escalated so quickly to a situation totally out of his control. He wanted this over and now.

"You fuckin' fuckin' …..get off me … I can't … please….RYAN! STOP!"

Starsky's lip and tongue were bleeding now where he had ground his own teeth into his tender flesh as he had fought against this animal.

By this point Ryan had Starsky's fly open and was cupping his hand brutally around the limp cock and balls that his fingers had sought out and clutched onto with urgent movements.

Starsky thought he heard himself sob as he tried again to cry out and push Ryan's hand away from his crotch.

_How could this be happening? Oh My GOD!_

For one second he stopped struggling and let his body go limp.

Ryan relaxed his hold and pressure in the next second – an automatic response to Starsky's relaxed tone.

In that moment Starsky made his move.

He brought his fist up and rammed in hard under the bigger man's chin and then followed with a plow into his lower guts.

Ryan collapsed back and fell to his knees. He had been so unprepared for the attack. He was breathing like he had run a marathon and his face was sheen of sweat. Coughing and spitting he dragged his hand up and across his bleeding mouth.

Starsky wanted to slide down the wall, crawl into a ball and shake for an hour, but he kept upright and kept his vigil. Once he had enough strength in his legs he quickly skirted around Ryan and put himself between the door and Ryan now – out of the corner he had been trapped in a few moments earlier.

"You ….you…you are mad Ryan. You are fuckin' insane. " He could barely get the words out his voice was so weak and his throat burning from Ryan's vice like grip.

Starsky kept his arm extended as he pointed at Ryan's face, the other man still on his knees catching his ragged breath.

"This – you have gone too far Ryan. I, I can't do this with you – this job – you are making it too dangerous now for both of us."

Ryan was standing up now and smoothing his long black hair back off his sweating face, his eyes dark and yet bright at the same time.

Devil's eyes Starsky thought.

'What are you talking about. It's going down tomorrow." He looked quickly at the closed door and lowered his voice now.

"That is my freakin' point you asshole. You are puttin' our lives at risk here. "

"I just want you to enjoy what we can have together – tonight, we can be together tonight. It is our last chance."

_This man is really mad. _

_This man is sad._

"Ryan listen to me good. We will never be together, not now, not tonight, not ever. When this job is done – I will make sure that you never get the opportunity to work with me again."

He moved backwards unconsciously closer toward the door.

"You need to think carefully about what you have done here with me now. You are a cop and no cop can work like this. You are endangering your own life and every other partner' s life you ever work with if this is how you are going to act."

"Are you threatening my career Starsky? Because you don't want to be my lover? You think you can take my job away from me huh?"

"Ryan you will do all of that by yourself. It is only a matter of time."

He turned completely now and pulled the door open.

"Keep the fuck away from me till this is over and then I will make sure you never get near me again."


	10. Chapter 10

**If I Can't Have You **

**It looks like things are about to go from bad to worse for Starsky. It's Brook's fault not mine!**

**Chapter 10**

Starsky pushed out through the bathroom door and all but fell into the entrance hallway leading from the bar outside. He took a moment to lean back against the wall where the bank of phone booths shielded him somewhat from the view of any bar patrons. He sucked back a couple of huge deep breaths and willed his heart rate to go down to a manageable level. All he wanted was to sag against that wall and never move but the rational part of him knew that he wanted out of here before Ryan exited the bathroom behind him.

He pulled himself up and made for the pool room where he had left the other two.

Nick and Luke were still at the pool table, messing about with what was left of a half-hearted game, their level of intoxication having long since outstripped any of their pool-playing prowess.

They looked up now as Starsky pushed into the bar but given their state of far from complete sobriety they did not immediately fathom his unrest and shocked and disheveled appearance.

"Hey man – what took you so long hey? Thought you'd gone out the back way! Where's Ryan? We are waitin' here for the grand champ – "champchips" ! Luke was by far the drunker of the two.

Nick took a longer more measured look at Starsky.

"Hey what's up man? You don't look so hot Dave"

"Yeah – not feelin' too good. Musta' had too many beers too quick in the middle of the day. Need to get back to the warehouse and just crash. I will be ok when I sleep it off." He tried not to give them direct eye contact. A part of him felt terrified that they could read in his eyes and his face what Ryan had just tried to do to him and he himself had not yet had time to assimilate any part of it. He was still bleeding adrenalin and it was all that was keeping him upright.

I – I will just get a taxi. "

Starsky kept moving past the two men and made for the outer part of the bar and the less than salubrious outside street. He knew he could hail a taxi outside somewhere. Even if he couldn't grab a taxi, he thought, he would be more than happy to walk.

Anything to put Ryan Lancaster behind him.

He was not entirely sure what he was going to do when he got back to the warehouse, not believing that it would be any longer possible to remain sharing the small room with Ryan after what he has just gone through with him back there in the bathroom.

He would just get back there for now, sort out his head and deal with Ryan in due course.

He felt such a profound sense of dissociation with himself, a man he thought he had known and human behavior as a whole that he was barely capable of moving forward.

The aching need to be by himself was overwhelming.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

Ryan left his lip bloody intentionally. Looking in the grubby mirror above the basin he could already see the swelling where his the flesh was split.

It would suit his purpose.

Starsky had just changed the game plan and Ryan was going to have to improvise and improvise very quickly. He had worked too long as a police officer and struggled to hard on the career ladder to let the risk of being exposed as a homosexual to taint his position. He had survived more than six years staying in the closet while being active in the force.

His sheer size, physical prowess and overt masculinity had never allowed anyone to suspect Detective Sergeant Ryan Lancaster as being gay. To his knowledge no one was aware of his proclivities for the same sex.

Not that Ryan was ashamed of his sexual leaning. Not at all. He embraced it and reveled in it beauty and joy and always found that his sexual preferences gave him a sense of penultimate satisfaction.

But he was a cop too. Possibly, he realized, a cop foremost. A proud one and a damn good one.

The term "cop" and "homosexual" simply did not go together – not in his lifetime anyway.

Forward thinking and the sexual revolution was one thing, but nowhere in the Cop's charter was it acceptable to be in a community minded place, defender of justice and firewall to crime and simultaneously carry the title of closet gay.

Being revealed as a homosexual might not ostensibly cost him his job, but he knew that in reality, it would cost him just about everything _but_ the title. He would instantly lose the respect of the other men and any real potential of career advancement. He had seen too many other homosexuals in the force that had come out, wrongly believing that the force would have a modern and broad-minded acceptance of the newer breeds of sexual liberation.

Their hopes were soon dashed.

The police department was a micro-culture of its own and in its world; machismo was tantamount to the "good cop's" public image. No one wanted the city's finest parading in the guise of a "fairy" or a "queer".

There was no other alternative for Ryan now. Starsky had rejected his advances. Perhaps he had misjudged him. Perhaps he had held out too much hope that Starsky would let go of his hold on Hutchinson and try out someone new.

Perhaps he was wrong altogether about the two of them – Starsky and Hutch.

Whatever – Ryan had more than put his cards on the table and Starsky had more than refused to play the game.

Even more worrying, was the fact that Starsky had called into question his credibility as a police officer.

He had waited long enough for Starsky to have left and for the two of them to wonder about his extended absence.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

As Ryan dabbed at his split lip he heard the voices he had waited for. In the mirror he caught the reflection of Nick and Luke, who had come in search of him.

_You brought this on yourself Starsky. All you had to do was try to love me. Even for a little while – just loved me for a little while. But you could not give me that. _

_Not even a small piece of what I wanted._

_What I needed from you._

He prepared himself now for what he had to do.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Luke approached him first. Although quite drunk he was able to see that Ryan had been hurt and he moved quickly over to where his runner partner was leaning dramatically into the basin as if supporting himself.

"What the hell Ryan? What's going on? Did you and Dave just brawl? "

He steadied Ryan now who made as if he might stumble.

Nick grabbed some paper towels and ran the water over them, handing them to Ryan to push against his lip.

"You two are pieces of work! Come in to the john and go at each other. What gives man? The job giving you too much heat? Dave looked pretty wiped out too. We just saw him out front. He said he was catching a taxi back to the warehouse"

Ryan looked around the bathroom as if he was thinking about whether to talk in here of not. The walls were paper-thin and the bar itself would soon turn into a seething carpet of tricksters as the afternoon crept into evening.

Right now at this time of the afternoon, they were amongst the very few clientele in the establishment. Ryan could not risk this going any further than the three of them.

"Look lets get out of here. We need to get out of here before it gets any busier. Come on lets leave – NOW! "

Nick looked at once confused and more than a little wary.

"What? What gives here Ryan? Why the big rush to leave?"

"Luke, Nick…. there is going to be some shit going down soon. We need to get back to the warehouse and meet up with Kalzo."

He put his hand up to touch the blood on his face.

The blood shed between a brotherhood.

A brotherhood he was about to turn his back on.

He responded to the look of confusion in the other men's faces.

"Turns out our Davey is a cop".

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

Half an hour later the three of them sat in Kalzo's office. Two of Kalzo's closest men hovered in menacingly in the corner. Kalzo had a look of pure fury on his big face and it was harder to tell which was the reddest feature – his bulging bloodshot eyes or his tight florid face.

He had slammed down two quick shots of whiskey when Nick, Luke and Ryan had filed into his office fifteen minutes earlier with Nick heralding the way – his lines delivered like he was doing the first take in some cheap B grade gangster movie.

Ryan would have cringed except Nick's line was beyond frighteningly real.

Ryan just wished he was not one of the leading roles.

"We got big problems Kalzo – big problems. You had better clear your desk - this needs your attention now."

"Nick this had better be important - there is a lot of shit to get straightened out here before tonight so you had better hope you are not wasting my time here."

Within minutes he had heard the news and within minutes he had opened his filing cabinet, pulled out the bottle of whiskey and threw back two neat shots.

Back to back.

"How the fuck? How did you find this out Ryan? Why didn't know any of this already? He was your friend.

He brought his hypertensive face up close and personal to Ryan at that moment. Kalzo's blood pressure was almost audible.

You brought him here to us you fucker!"

"Look Kalzo – I do not know him that well and have not know him for long either. He had a tight undercover gig. Must have been under deep for a while because no one I know had a whiff of it. What can I say? He's freakin' good. "

He kept up the story, which flowed easily now – blurring some real details with his own false ones.

He had to keep up the momentum.

"I started to get suspicious couple of days ago when he went out by himself late at night to a bar. Gone for a while. No reason as we supposedly buddies you know. But well, he just didn't want me along. Got a bit strange when I pushed it to go with him.

He blew out the next line, Kalzo a seething mass of expectation in front of his eyes.

I think that was when he was making contact with outside."

Ryan went on.

"So I started to watch him you know. Watch him closely and watched how he acted and what he said and stuff."

Nick came in now. "Yeah – that's right! I saw you really staring him down when we were all having beers in the warehouse. Wondered why you were giving him the evil eye. Mentioned it to Dave myself. Shit, come to think of it, I damned well warned him about you looking at him with daggers you know? I'll be damned!"

Ryan thought back to that event and smiled inwardly. Well good to think that his leering admiration of Starsky had paid off for the wrong reason – stupid idiot Nick couldn't read a covert signal if it was painted in words for him. This dick was not long for the world if he couldn't even pick pure lust from suspicion. In the dirty world Nick was playing in, a man needed the wits and the skill to be able to discern body language. It was often more useful than any loaded gun.

"Yeah – that's right Nick. And I think that St – Dave was feeling the heat from me, the pressure you know? He started to get a bit pushy with me – angling to see what I might know about him."

He had to give something tangible here for Kalzo to buy his story that he had uncovered Starsky's identity. Suspicions and feelings were not enough.

"Anyway when we were at the bar earlier and he left the game to go out to the john, I was thinking something was going to go down. I followed him. The phones out there at the back near the john? " He looked at the other men for concurrence.

They nodded.

"He was making a call to the outside. He didn't see me and I was able to catch a bit of it – not all but enough. He was talking to some other cop – a partner I think because he sounded friendly with him. He mentioned the shipment and tomorrow being the "big day". …Said something like, yeah like he was half-joking with this other person - 'will have it all sewn up by tomorrow. Might even get a commendation for this one – the captain better be happy.'"

Kalzo's face was turning from shades of red to purple.

'"What happened then?" the gravel pitch got even lower now as the boss man looked toward his men in the corner. "Yes" his eyes said - we need some action here.

"When he had put the phone down he freakin' made me! Don't know what made him turn around but he did and he caught me standing there. Cops instincts I guess."

Ryan was improvising now…

"He looked damn angry and asked me how long I'd been there. Had to cover my tracks fast because I couldn't let him know his cover was blown and he didn't know how long I'd been there or if I had heard him. So I bullshitted fast. Said that I had been there long enough only to work out he was saying goodbye to a male friend – a very special, close male friend you know? Made some comment about him being a dirty bastard for sneaking out to call his lover. Said – 'so Dave is this what you got up to the other night when you went out, phoning your lover on the sly. I heard you, you were making out on the phone with your man weren't you? Didn't take you for a queer'. Christ I was sweating, I don't know if he bought it, that I had not heard what he said. But I just kept laying it on, joking that I had caught him out the back on the phone talking dirty to his queer lover."

Ryan took a breath – not sure how this story was going down with Kalzo at all. Nick was looking like he was swallowing every morsel of it and Luke looked nonplussed – but Kalzo – Ryan could not be sure about this big boss.

"Anyway next thing, he dragged me into the john and tried to start beating the shit out of me. Didn't expect it – just out of the blue. So I am guessing that he bought my story. He slammed me and then said – you don't tell anyone in this job that I am a queer right? Figured that he was trying to make it look good – that I had been right about what I had heard and he wanted me to think that was all there was to it."

Nick finished the story. "Then he came storming out of the john and said he was leaving – getting a taxi back here."

Kalzo looked at the men.

"So where the fuck is he now?"

"I am thinking he must be back in our room. If he really believes that I did not make him and thought what I said I thought I heard, then he is not worried. "

"You had better hope that is where he is Ryan, because you have come freakin' close to fuckin' up my whole operation here. If he knows you made him for a cop this whole house of cards is gonna come down."

"Boss! Got that information for you" a small man, enthusiastic in his approach to please Kalzo put his head around the corner of the office. Minutes before Kalzo had called him in and asked him to check the room where the two men were staying and to find out who saw " Dave" return from the bar earlier.

"Shoot".

"Apparently he pulled up here in a taxi a short while ago and headed straight for his room. Been there ever since 'cos no one has seen him walk out past the front area. There ain't no real way out the back."

"Well I guess its your lucky day Ryan because if he had gone squealin' you were dead meat."

Kalzo turned to the two thugs in the corner.

"Keep the room under watch. He leaves I need to know."

Nick was visibly excited now and bouncing on his toes. Ryan could tell that it wasn't just the remnants of the earlier beers in his system that was causing his hyped up mood. Nick had been helping himself to some more of Uncle Kalzo's party favours. Just before they came into this meeting? The boy had a taste for it that was for sure.

"So what now eh? What do you want us to do Kalzo?"

Visibly relieved now, Kalzo busied himself pouring another shot before he turned to the men.

"What the hell sort of question is that you idiot? Didn't you get any of the brains from your father's side of the family? Sometimes I think your dumb bitch of a mother is all you have in your thick head"

Luke cackled with laughter and Nick just looked pout faced and sullen.

Kalzo turned now to Ryan.

Ryan already knew what was coming.

"You brought him here to us. You take him away. Understood"?

He stood now, finished with his council. His sweeping meaty hand dismissed them all.

"But make one certain Ryan – do it now before he gets a chance to figure he's been made. Take Nick with you – he can show you what we do with loose ends – that is something he is good at – at least".

Nick lost the sullen edge and regained his previous excited look.

"I want all of you back here on deck for later tonight. The trucks are coming in and I want no mess-ups. Now clear out all of you. I don't want to see your faces again until you have taken care of this problem".

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

Ryan stood to leave, nodding at Kalzo.

_It is done._

"Don't worry boss. I have had experience with this sort of thing a few times in my life too so the matter will be well taken care of, you can count on me"

If only he knew half of it. If only he knew how many people he had killed in the line of duty.

_Starsky will be just one more._

As he waited for Nick to join him outside his head was full of screaming mixed thoughts.

_I have to do this, there is no turning back._

_I have no choice._

_It's either Starsky or my career. Starsky or me._

He had already formulated a rough plan as to how he was going to make this all work, he only hoped that having the unstable factor of Nick along for the ride would not jeopardise everything.

Outside Kalzo's office now, Ryan pulled the crazed Nick aside, a little less roughly than he really wanted to.

"Talk to me Nick. What does Kalzo usually like to do with this situation"?

"Simple man. Dave's a runner isn't he? A dirty low life runner like you and me. It's a bum deal this job, plenty of risks, plenty of people wanting to take you out. We'll just go to one of the usual places we do the deals with, near one of the buyers Dave has already had contact with in the last few days. Make it look like he riled up the buyer and didn't play nice. There is a particularly bad dude Dave and I have been running to last couple of days. He has some nasty friends. We'll take Dave near his meet place and work him over real good. Cops will think he's been done in by one of the players. Happens all the time in this job. "

"And then, what do we do with his body"?

"What always happens to two bit hustlers like us who nobody cares about? Just leave him on the street where he'll be found eventually by some low life local. In the end it will all connect back to the contacts that he had been dealing with in his job as Kalzo's runner."

Nick smiled and then picked nervously at his scabbing knuckles, no doubt permanently scarred up from his frequent use of his fists.

"Shame really, 'cos I was just sorta' startin' to like the guy. Tough you know. Just cool and tough. Took my shit and gave me no razz like Kalzo's other dudes. Huh! And all along he was a freakin' cop! Might have known. I am usually spot on with picking cops you know. Nothin' usually gets past old Nick here!"

_Want to make a bet on that you dickhead? There is one looking you in the eye right now and you have absolutely no idea._

_No idea._

"Well Nick, like him or not you heard your uncle. We've got to take him out."

"OK – lets do it man"

"One thing Nick – let me do the talking ok? It was my make and I get the right to call the shots on this one. Besides – I owe him for ripping up my lip. "

"Sure man, I have plenty of dudes I get to work over so he's yours. I understand that you need to show him what happens when he messes with you."

"Are we just gonna take him now or stage another job and get him to the site?" Nick wanted to know.

Ryan already knew that he would have little hope of dealing with Starsky once he got into their room, not after what had happened between them back at the bar. He needed to go in with Nick under the guise that one of the two covers had been blown - Starsky's.

At least that way Starsky would go willingly enough with him to the site. Starsky, Ryan knew was far too good as a cop not to follow that procedure and to protect his partner's cover despite his own having been blown.

He did not know how he would contain the whole scene if Starsky thought for a moment he had turned on him. His own cover would be blown in an instant and he would go down as quickly as Starsky – Nick would waste no time in getting back to Kalzo.

The whole deal was precarious and Ryan felt rivers of sweat running down his back.

How had it come to this?

If he had more time he might have been able to plan something a little less open ended, because right now he felt like he was making this up as he went along.

Only one thing was for sure.

He could not allow Starsky to reveal what he knew about him to the department.

Right now this was the best option Ryan had available to ensure that this did not happen.

"No – no pretense. We just take him now. We'll get him out to the car by gunpoint and do the job at the site so we can just leave him there ok? Have you got your gun?"

Nick patted his side and smiled.

Ryan lifted his fist and banged on their door.

"Dave, open up its me!"


	11. Chapter 11

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter 11**

**Wednesday Early Evening**

**The Precinct**

Hutch turned away from retrieving yet one more cup of lukewarm bitter swill the department tried to pass off as coffee.

He walked back to his desk in a desultory fashion and eyed the spew of papers and files. None of it interested him and none of it was likely to be attended to by him over the next twenty-four hours or so now.

His mind was fixed on one objective only. The warehouse drug bust that involved Starsky and Ryan.

He had spent the greater part of the afternoon down in the communications room where he could listen into the radio dispatches that were filtering in and out on the job. There were two undercover cars positioned near the warehouse and these were changed every three hours to prevent any of the warehouse staff picking up on the surveillance.

He had not heard from Starsky since the night in the bar and any word in from the rotating surveillance team was sparing. Last word in from them was a little disconcerting.

Earlier that afternoon Starsky had been spotted returning to the warehouse in a taxi. He, Ryan and Kalzo's other two men had been seeing leaving the warehouse together some hours earlier in the day so Hutch was wondering what had prompted his partner to arrive back before them.

He had aired his concerns down in the dispatch room when the call had come through.

"So – no big deal Sir, probably just needed to come back and catch some shut eye. They had all been holed up in that bar a few blocks south of the warehouse. Starsky probably just needed to cut out".

The communication's officer took in the detective's fatigued and drawn face. He was doing his best to allay the senior officer's unrest.

"You should go home sir, we will phone you if anything of note gets patched in to us."

The blonde detective well known to all the guys down in the radio room as the other half of Zebra Three had been hovering around the radio room now for two days. It was more than obvious to all of them that he was somewhat at a loss without the other half of his caller ID. They were all used to his moody presence now - listening and frowning and asking questions to no one in particular – throwing out into space his thoughts and concerns. From time to time he would grab the radio himself and request a confirmation or a clarification on a report.

In short Detective Hutchinson was stressing himself and everyone else in the communication room with his relentless over analysis of the surveillance.

For once the tall detective had folded to the junior officer's suggestion.

"Ok but get me on my desk if anything of note comes in. I mean –anything ok?"

Since he had returned to the squad room he had been going over the files on Kalzo's top men. He was debating whether to down another coffee and head out to get something light to eat. He was not hungry or even interested in leaving the office but he knew that he needed to give himself a break from this constant vigil before tomorrow morning's big bust.

If he had been sensible he would have gone home a few hours earlier and tried to catch some sleep before being back on deck for the dawn raid.

Not possible. He was simply way too wired and way too worried.

His level of concern was out of proportion to objective information available, he knew that– way out of proportion. Until he had heard that Starsky had returned in a taxi by himself there was simply nothing out of the ordinary of this operation that needed his worry. Even the junior officer in dispatch was smart enough to know that.

But it didn't help him.

To stop worrying.

To stop thinking and going back over Starsky's last words to him. The dislocation in Starsky's voice the other night during the bar phone call.

And now this - the fact that he had gone out with the three men at midday and returned by himself in a taxi before them.

These two facts alone did not sit well in his gut.

He stood and looked at the files on his desk. All of them files on Kalzo's right hand men – men with records as long as your arm but free right now to stand beside Kalzo yet again as he prepared for one of the biggest deals he had been involved with in quite a long while.

He picked up the file closest to him. Nick Calbrini.

He stared the mug shot down as if by doing so he could threaten this piece of lowlife shit. The one who was paired with Starsky as his runner partner? The one who had given Starsky a black eye for no reason than he was in the mood to throw a fist and vent some of his drug fuelled aggression. Without thinking his thumb pressed deep into the small photo, transferring some of his inner anger at this thug onto the small black and white image of him.

His desk phone rang then startling him from his silent vengeance.

What he heard had him up and running for the door.

"Detective Hutchinson – I think you need to get down here now. Surveillance has some new information on Detective Starsky. They think that it is urgent sir!"

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

Starsky had been lying on his narrow bed just trying to calm himself and his mind down. It had not been working. For nearly an hour he had been back in the room he had come to detest, just willing time to pass and reality to fade.

Never had he felt like this – so alien within his own body. What Ryan had done to him was – was – more than he felt able to comprehend. Sure he had experienced episodes in his life where he had been hit on by men – several times. But this was so different and so much more than that to him.

A man he thought he knew, understood and trusted had turned out to be everything he did not know and could not trust. It was not so much even that he had made a pass at him – it was the way he had been relentless, ruthless and so unreceptive to Starsky's own feelings and reactions. This afternoon in the john at the bar – it was as though – he had made him feel small, defenseless and - yes that word – victimized.

All of this from someone he was supposed to be united with in a quest to pursue an operation that was so dangerous that without total unity, total trust and total reciprocal knowledge of each other - they would be both left open to mortal danger. Death was waiting out there in that warehouse later tonight, in the early hours of tomorrow morning – and now Starsky felt disempowered. Ryan had torn into his sense of himself as a man, and even more frightening given the position he was in right now, his belief in himself as a cop. He now doubted whether he still possessed the professional strength and courage to complete this assignment. For the first time in his career, Starsky was afraid that he did not have what it took to pull this job off to its completion.

Ryan had a lot to answer for and if he lived through tomorrow he would make it his life's goal to make him accountable for what he done to him.

He heard scuffling outside the room now and was beyond caring. Ryan was back and nothing he could do now would make any difference to him. The damage was done and somehow he just had to go forward with this job, stay alive and get out of here.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

"Dave open up! It's me Ryan!"

_No key in the lock? Drunk? Lost it? No - something else. Something in his voice. Something is wrong. Something is going down._

Those were his last coherent thoughts before he waited one split second and assessed Ryan's tone. The door flew open; smashing against the wall, plaster cracking with the force.

Starsky had stood and was moving toward the door when he saw them both. Nick his wild-eyed version of himself and Ryan breathing hard with a look on his face that Starsky could not place.

It was at once a mixture of several things – anger, aggression, fear, regret and guilt. It was all there on Ryan's face as he looked at Starsky.

Starsky knew then he was in trouble.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

Hutch was frantic.

He was waiting for the two captains to arrive back at Park Central. They had been holed up over at the nineteenth precinct going over the final details of the bust but Hutch had called them as soon as he got the information from the surveillance team.

He had torn down the fire- escape stairs to the lower level and slammed into the radio control room. Had it only been ten minutes ago? Fifteen?

"What? What have you got?"

The young officer knew better than to act as third party conduit with this man right now – he simply handed over the controls to him and patched him through to the surveillance team.

"Detective Hutchinson here. Talk to me"

"Sir – ahhh- Detective Lancaster and the man known as Nick, Detective Starsky's offsider on the job, have just exited the sleeping quarters at the warehouse and crossed to the parking bay. Detective Sergeant Starsky is in their company".

_What? Oh thank God…..Is that all…._

Christ he was getting too jumpy. He had ran down here like a madman…. all for….

"Sir, Detective Lancaster has Detective Starsky at gunpoint. He has a weapon pressed against his lower back sir".

Hutch felt the room tilt.

"Sir?"

"Ahh – what is the other man, Nick – Calbrini – what is he doing – how is he acting? How – how is Ryan – Detective Lancaster acting?"

"They are pushing him into the car now. They were outside the office area for a while and someone like one of Kalzo's men came out and spoke to them – and they walked off toward the car. Detective Lancaster is - well, he is being aggressive toward Detective Starsky and the other man is laughing with him. They seem to be working together Sir."

Hutch swallowed hard. He knew then.

Starsky had been made.

Ryan was carrying through the cover with Nick.

Kalzo had given them orders.

They were taking Starsky to hurt him.

_No you know that is not right Hutch…You know where they are taking Starsky…_

_They were taking his partner to kill him._

"Sir …what do you want us to do. We have no orders in yet from Captain Dobey or Captain Dobson. They are patching us through to them now…"

_I want you to fucking follow them now and stop them. Take Nick down now, get a shot in as soon as you can! Shoot now! As soon as you can get a clear shot where Starsky is safe._

But of course he could give no such orders to the team.

The radio went dead and the buzzing interference and feedback filled the small room. The young officer looked up and said the unnecessary.

"They are talking with the nineteenth precinct now. The Captains are giving their orders."

Hutch knew what the orders would be. Leave the operation in status quo.

One cop's life was not enough weight against a six month planned operation.

The look on the blond detective's face was so wretched that the young officer wanted to crawl under his own desk. God! Some days this job was just too hard. It was times like these that he was pleased to be stationed down here in communication because not for anything would he want to trade places with either of the two halves of Zebra Three. Both of them were in terrible positions and from where he was sitting the man in front of him was suffering in equal measures to Detective Starsky.

He knew it was probably not called for, not expected of him, nor even likely to be welcomed – but he just had to say something _– something _to try to make things a little better.

He had never really been in a position like this before in his brief career and he felt the gravity of his own small role here in this unfolding drama. He might not be important but, hell he was part of this and he wanted to help in even a small way.

He was in awe of this senior officer and his partner as younger officers often were with the higher rank.

"Sir, I am sure it is all part of the set up between the two of them. Detective - ahhh….your partner will be fine sir, I am sure of it."

He hadn't expected the sergeant to even acknowledge him. He was used to being overlooked both because of his position and his ranking.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up surprised. Light blue eyes and a sad smile tried to fight through lines of worry on the drawn handsome face.

" You can call him Starsky – Starsky. Thank you Officer. I only hope you're right. He's my partner and you will find out soon enough, partners are important."

Sometimes, the younger man thought, there were surprises in life. He felt all at once proud and happy that he had just achieved something in his day.

This senior officer who was so preoccupied with his own partner had also taken the time to give something back to him. His day was all of a sudden a little brighter and he almost felt a little guilty for the zap of joy when Detective Hutchinson looked so devastated.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Hutch was waiting outside Dobey's office. He had paced, sat, paced, sat. Waited. Had it only been ten minutes, fifteen?

_The waiting…._

Dobey and Dobson pushed in through the squad room doors.

He couldn't wait for them to get into Dobey's office.

"Captain. What is the plan? I want to go in now. They have made Starsky. They must have. Why else would Ryan have had him at gunpoint?"

"Calm down Hutchinson. Stay calm. We don't know what has gone down yet. We have no sound on either of the men and so we do not know what Ryan is doing. This could all be part of the set up. They may have worked it out between the two of them. We just do not know."

"What are you talking about Captain? Ryan had Starsky with a freaking gun pressed into his back! What else can it mean? Someone has made him. Nick was with them and Kalzo's men gave them orders. Surveillance saw it. You know what it means!"

He was barely able to keep his voice down to a bellow.

Dobson cut in now.

"Cool it Hutchinson. Ryan knows what he's doing. If Starsky has been made then he's got it under control. He is no doubt playing along with this Calbrini – Nick guy and making sure that Starsky is going to be safe. It is only hours till the load comes in. We are not risking anything now – not at this point."

Hutch saw red.

"No! I do not buy that! How in freaking hell can you surmise that Ryan knows what he is doing and that Starsky is going to be safe? You have absolutely no fucking idea. If Starsky's been made then Ryan is just doing what he has to do to keep Kalzo off him and the operation. "

He implored them both with his eyes.

"Starsky is in trouble! We have to go in now. I want in now!"

"Hutch! You have heard what Captain Dobson has to say. That is how we are going to play this out. I know you are worried about Starsky – but we have only hours left in a six-month op here. Listen to what you are saying."

"I do not have to listen Captain and neither should you – you are talking about Starsky here. Starsky's life! For God's sake please…"

He tried again when their faces remained impassive – Dobey's concerned but still impassive to his demands.

"At least send surveillance after them –try to get a make on the car and where they went. They will be somewhere in the local neighborhood – somewhere around where Starsky does his runs – they have to be."

Dobey rubbed his face and looked at Dobson. Dobson looked determined.

Dobey tried the middle line.

"Look I imagine that Ryan will not come back – he will probably take Starsky somewhere until this all blows over – till the bust is done. He is probably buying us all time here. Taking him under force is probably just part of the whole plan, continuation of the cover. Let's just wait and see what Ryan does Hutch. Ok? "

Hutch looked beaten and disappointed in his captain.

"If you let anything…if we don't do anything and…"

Dobson raised his voice now.

"This is a six month operation involving two precincts and over thirty men. The commissioner has direct input into undermining and breaking open this ring. We have already lost one officer in the course of this undercover job. We have had two highly experienced sergeants in undercover for well over a week now and have made excellent headway into busting this ring right open. In all likelihood this will be accomplished in the next eight to ten hours."

He drew breath.

"Detective Hutchinson – I can see you are concerned for your partner. Of course and I understand and appreciate that as only a fellow officer can. But do not threaten your captain or me now with an ultimatum. Detective Starsky in under – he is a cop, he knows the risks and he went in knowing the risks. Just as my own man has done. They are both at risk here. But you know as a seasoned officer of the department – this operation will not be jeopardized if we do not have solid and clear evidence that an officer's life is at risk."

He turned to address Dobey now.

"I am sorry Harold if I spoke out of turn – but I felt that I needed to represent the department here. I know it is harder when one of your own is at risk to say what has to be said."

Both captains turned now to look at Hutch.

He just stared into Dobey's eyes and shook his head.

"I hope to God your operation is worthy of him. "

He picked up his keys and jacket and left them both standing, watching his long back retreating out of the door.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

Starsky recognized the neighborhood as soon as the car slid into the side streets and from the side streets into the alleys.

He knew also what was about to happen to him. Already his body was tensing and bracing for the assault that he could already feel.

In a strange sort of way, since that afternoon and what had happened to him with Ryan – what Ryan had done to him – he felt detached from his body and his focus was centered now in his mind. He knew that he should be feeling fear and dread because his cop instincts were just too strong not to know that Ryan could not really help him now. His body was about to be put through a grueling test. A cop who has been made is not ever waiting for a happy ending.

He tried to focus on Ryan's profile now. He watched him as he drove, studied his face and listened to him speak. He said little of course. All the while Starsky tried to remind himself that this man was Ryan Lancaster. A man who had so many personas now. The "friend" he had trained with in the academy, the "cop "he thought he knew, the "partner "with whom he had wittingly entered this undercover operation. Then in the last week, an irrational, unbalanced homosexual who believed that he could entice him to be his lover. Today on this last day, he had become the aggressive sexual predator.

And now – here he was, in his latest guise, his enemy pure and simple.

The man sent to kill him.

As they sped through the seedy streets Nick's incessant hyped up speech never stopped – nervous, excited, aggressive and scared all at once. A young thug who couldn't handle his own testosterone let alone the effects of the drugs that he plied his system with day after day.

As the streets narrowed and the car slowed, he could see that Nick was looking for a particular area – Starsky had now worked out the game plan – taking him to the streets just near one of the major buyers - make it look like a deal gone sour – leave him in the alleyway near the buyer's haunt.

The car slowed even as Starsky waited for it to do so. They had arrived.

"Out Dave. Get out."

The gun still trained on him he had little choice.

Nick slammed his door and walked around to join Ryan.

"Should not have tried to fool us Dave. You know what happens when we find we have cops in our employment. Makes Mr. Kalzo a very unhappy man." Nick laughed like a seven year old.

"That's right Dave – whatever your real name is. All these months you have had me fooled and you have lied to me. I took you in really you know. Gave you a bed and some dosh – set you up with a fucking job and look how you repaid me? I am lucky that Kalzo didn't do me over because of the trouble I have brought to him in you."

Starsky stared hard into Ryan's eyes trying to see what he was telling him then – the language of cops. Where and what was his message now? What was the plan? How were they going to work this to make sure that Ryan's cover stayed intact even though Starsky's was down?

Something was wrong. Something was missing between the two of them.

In that moment Starsky cursed inwardly. If only Ryan hadn't muddied up their relationship with what he had done to him today, then the two of them could have "talked" more clearly than what they were achieving right now. He felt no real connection to Ryan – in fact if anything he felt so far from being connected to him it made this situation seem unworkable.

He thought now of his partner – his real partner. Hutch. As he so often did in times like this.

_How different from you and me Hutch_.

Their eyes conveyed everything that they were not able to say.

He willed Hutch's sky blue liquid eyes out of his mind – willed Hutch in general out of his mind. He needed to focus on Ryan. Ryan was his partner in this operation and somehow he needed to communicate with him so he could understand what was going to happen and how they were going to handle this whole mess. The mess that occurs when one half of the team's cover has been blown.

He soon realized that the time was up on the mood barometer. Ryan's fist ploughed into his face along with a curse and an expletive.

"Freaking pig! Thought you could squeal and ruin this whole game for all of us didn't you?"

Another blow and another to the gut this time. He was down now on the ground, the rough asphalt of the alleyway coming up to meet his cheek and temple.

"Is this how a fucking pig fights? You are useless! Look Nick he's pathetic. Down already."

Starsky struggled to his knees and then holding his midriff and the wall he slowly stood. Ryan just stood back now sneering. Sneering and yet he had his back to Nick who was laughing and clapping in a delirium of sick delight. Starsky was the entertainment.

As he righted himself, gasping and feeling the blood pour down his face from his split brow – Starsky thought of two things.

They were clear and bright in his already fogging brain.

Ryan's face was full of hate as he was facing him, but Ryan's back was to Nick and Nick was only able to see Ryan's back. As Starsky tried to focus on Ryan's face there was nothing there to read, no message for him alone – only pure hate and anger.

The second thought made him angry because he should have asked it when they came to get him.

How and when was he made?

Two thoughts.

Two very damning thoughts about Ryan.

Something was clearing in his head.

As Ryan pulled back his fist again, Starsky made a decision.

He brought his own fists up.

The fight began.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

"Hey man he is one tough dude ain't he?"

Nick had finished with his squawking and clapping a few minutes after the battle between the two men had begun in earnest.

It was no longer quite so funny, no longer quite so entertaining as the two of them grappled, and wrestled, punched and kicked, squeezed and jabbed – their bodies both bloodied and torn as they fought for supremacy. At one point, Nick went to join the fray and Ryan had screamed at him,

"Back off, his ass is mine you little creep!"

Just as Nick was wondering whether he would need to pull out his gun and finish Dave off, Ryan, by far the bigger of the two, but not necessarily the strongest it seemed, gave his opponent one final and resounding kick, drawing his booted leg back and ploughing it into the fallen man's side. There was a sickening cracking sound and Starsky groaned loudly curling his body defensively. Ryan kicked him again and again until finally the writhing curled body shuddered and stopped.

Ryan crashed back against the dirty brick wall.

"Fucking hell! Fucking hell! Awwhhhh Shit". He nursed his already swollen and spilt hand, his knuckles gaping and bleeding. His face was a mass of cuts and blood and his guts were on fire where Starsky had landed far too many blows to his mid section. He took some time to kneel on the filthy ground gagging and spitting out blood.

"You ok man? Some fight! Think he's done though – he sure don't look too good"

Ryan looked over at his police partner. He might feel terrible himself but Starsky looked more than three quarters dead. He knew he had broken a lot of his ribs, pummeled the shit out of his kidneys and very possibly ruptured his spleen. He had fought enough fights and knew enough about defensive tactics to know what damage to inflict on another human.

But by Christ Starsky had put up a fight.

It was for certain now Ryan thought, that Starsky understood the situation. He would have never fought like that otherwise. He would have taken the beating and gone down in the line of duty hopefully waiting for Ryan to bring help to him as soon as possible. Ryan knew when Starsky looked into his eyes a few blows into the fight, that he had figured it all out.

It had become a fight to the death.

As Ryan pulled himself up by holding onto the wall, Nick started to look increasingly nervous.

"Ok come on man we have been at this for ages. Kalzo is gonna be wondering where we are and I don't feel too good stayin' here any longer"

He looked over at the limp and bloodied body.

"He's probably gonna die after the way you did him over but we had better finish him off now anyway."

Nick pulled out his gun from under his coat. Ryan slammed it down to Nick's side.

"No wait. No gun, no gun. I don't want to shoot him."

Ryan had already plotted it out in his head as he had been driving over from the warehouse. If he shot Starsky, this would give him him no out with the IA or the captains. He had to make it look like he had brought Starsky as much time as he could for the cops to locate him after the bust. He had to come out of this looking clean – like he had no option but to hurt and nearly fatally wound his partner, but that he had done his very best in increasing his chances of survival. To shoot him would be tantamount to incriminating himself straight away.

"What? Why the hell not man? We gotta make sure we do it properly or Kalzo will kill us, forget about this guy!"

"Nick, you want to make this look like an everyday slime bucket alley way fight between a greedy runner and a buyer?"

Nick was nodding but not following Ryan.

"Well most of the alleyway dirty fights look like this – pulverized bodies and (he lifted the leg of his pants now and pulled out a knife from his ankle strap) a knifing for good measure. Not a shooting – not typical of local fights over deals.

Besides Nick – I told you before; Dave is mine, my ass to fry. I get the say in how we do him in the end not you." He hoped that threatening aggression would convince this idiot.

Nick just shrugged and started to lose patience.

"Whatever man but hurry the fuck up will ya?. I am outta here" He started to retreat back, looking nervously up and down the alley for signs of life other than homeless vagabonds.

Holding his own knife in his hand, he came up close to Starsky and knelt beside the broken, shuddering body. He could tell that his tortured lungs were gasping to draw a breath into his shattered chest.

He wanted to look into his eyes this last time – to lay his own dark ones onto Starsky's deep blue ones, but that was not to be. Starsky's eyes were closed and bloodied, swollen and bruising already.

"What a mess you are lover. Not my pretty boy anymore."

He watched the knife glint in the last of the evening light and admired its clean sharp lines.

"I don't know if you can hear me anymore Starsk, but I need to tell you something. "

He leaned over the dark form and put his head almost lovingly against the bloodied, ripped cheek. He wrapped his hand around Starsky's quivering body, caressing his lean bare hip. Stroking the hard flesh where it draped the angled sharp hip bone.

Even now, he thought, he felt desire well up in him for this man.

He whispered now for only Starsky to hear.

"If I can't have you, then neither will Hutch."

He pulled back his hand and plunged the knife deep into Starsky's lower gut, flinching as he felt the ravaged body jolt once more with the impact of the thrust.

Nick was no longer watching and so he leaned in further and brushed his own bloodied lips over Starsky's.

As he walked away to join Nick he stole one last look back.

The handle of his knife was silver against the pale and bloodied flesh of the lover he never really had.


	12. Chapter 12

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter 12**

The light has long since gone from the sky and with only minimal illumination from the cheap glaring neon shop lights the grimy alley took on a muted eeriness. The garish yellows and reds bounced and flickered, highlighting the grime and filth of the small shop windows and beaten up rear entrances to dubious natured businesses. Once the sun had gone down the alley way became an even more sinister , dark and dangerous zone.

Not that it posed a threat to anyone really – only the truly stupid or the uninitiated. At this time of night most of the local human race would know to give it a wide berth.

Those who might venture down its path by day for whatever reason and they were usually nefarious ones in this district, would not be so stupid to negotiate it by night.

Its semi darkness and pungent smells were left only for the rodents and the wild creatures to explore.

On this night however it had one occupant of the human kind. But he was not there of his own accord. He was so silent, and so still that if not for his scent he would not even be discernible as human.

He had tried to move earlier, when the light was still just in the sky. When the violent blows to his body had finally stopped and the voices had retreated. He had tried to move then. Just a little, little by little. Every small flicker of his muscles filled him with white liquid hotness – he tried to scream with agony at the sensation that the movements caused him, but his mouth would not seem to work and his mind could not command his throat to produce sound. Swallowing was difficult enough.

His lower side was on fire. He must be on fire. The flame was scorching his flesh and eating a hole into his insides. The rod of heat was deep inside him and he tried until he was exhausted to wrap his shaking hand, sticky and slippery with blood, around the rod and pull it from his body. He was not even strong enough to close his fingers around its length.

_A knife – its was a knife._

From somewhere the word slipped into his consciousness. He could describe the object causing the pain – he had the word for it. But only for a second and then it was gone and he was once more just a body of reflexes and ebbing consciousness.

Inch by inch he pulled himself away. What was he pulling away from? Yes the fire. Away from the fire.

He could sense a form in the near distance – something solid and dark. He didn't even think why, but he had made it his goal – to get nearer to it and away from this heat.

After a long time he had nothing left, nothing at all left in his body to use. The fire was still there, not as hot now and the rest of him was aware of a new sensation - coldness. The two vied with each other – hot and cold. He reached out his shaking arm to the solid mass closer to him now; he managed to touch it with his fingers. It was a wall and it was all his body had to cling to.

A long time later he came back to awareness of himself and the wall and the darkness all around him. The wall was behind him now and its solid hardness was the only thing that he thought was holding him to this earth. His head was so light and his mind was just random images and thoughts, even the hot pain was floating away from him. The wall was there though and he willed himself to push against it, to have his back feel its hardness.

Coldness was all around him now, even stealing away the heat in his side.

Soon he was not even aware of that.

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo**

"You should have seen him Kalzo! Freakin' pig would not go down. Ryan here beat the livin' shit out of him but he still kept comin' back for more".

Kalzo was looking now with frank dislike at his nephew and curious appraisal of one of his newest men, Ryan. He noted the fact that Ryan was badly beaten himself and could appreciate that the episode with the cop had gone down as his nephew was now describing.

"Well you brought the pig to us Ryan so you fucking well better have gotten rid of him. This load is due in anytime now and I want no glitches. Not a one. If he managed to get word out to his men before you and Nick got to him – I will have your head. And that is a promise. Whether we go down or not you hear me?"

Ryan just stared with a cool disdain - it was too close to the end now and he was becoming tired of this overbearing thug. He let the idiot Nick babble on for him.

"Hey cool it Uncle Kal, we did the job well ok. Ryan creamed him good." Nick sniggered in his infantile way. "But not before Ryan here got pretty creamed himself by the pig! Hey Ryan, he got a few in on ya' didn't he? He sure did Uncle Kal - the pig really knew how to fight! Big tough cop eh?"

The boss cringed at the younger man's use of his familial relationship to him.

"I told ya before don't call me that around here ok? Christ boy you have got to learn how this game works!"

He shook his head in frustration at his nephew and wished for the hundredth time that he had never agreed to give his brother's youngest kid a job in his outfit. Now he was stuck with the brainless coke head and his brother would have the whole family down on him if he got rid of him. He would have to find a way to do that though and very soon….He could take no more of this imbecile.

"So did you use your gun Nick? Did you dispose of it?"

Ryan looked at the floor and took a breath.

Nick looked more than a little frightened.

"Nah well….."

"I did it Kalzo. I took care of him in the end. Let Nick here have a day off from his cop killing duties"

Nick looked at Ryan with utter relief.

"You got your own gun boy?"

He really wasn't sure how this was going to end up – but as he knew the bust was just about to go down and the cops would be crawling all over this place in minutes, he went with what was going to be own cover with the force. They had to believe that he had done his best to buy Starsky time for the cops to find and save him so he needed his own cover story to be as authentic as possible. The back of his neck was already prickling - his old telltale warning that meant his fellow officers were already sliding into the side streets getting ready to hit the warehouse. He needed to prepare for the scrutiny he would soon be under.

"I do but I didn't use it. I knifed him." It was all that Ryan offered and he hoped that Kalzo didn't want more details because Nick here couldn't keep his mouth shut and would let on that they had left "the pig" still breathing when they departed the scene. Ryan had told Nick that the cop would be dead in no time and that bleeding out slowly was the sort of agonising death he wanted for this cop who had put him in danger with Kalzo and beat him up badly.

Nick was in again - hyped and full of details for his uncle.

"Yeah then it looks more like the work of Freddy and his boys, the buyer Dave and I had been dealin' with in that neighbourhood. They all use knives – they're all ol' street boys. Isn't that right Ryan?"

Kalzo was losing interest now. It seemed that the big man Ryan had it covered and any residual suspicions he had about him lifted when he saw again the damage the cop had done to him during his fight to stay alive.

'Don't give a flyin' fuck what you used as long as he's dead and you left the trail cold back to me. It will be easy to think that the cop got done by the boys he had been selling to for me."

The phone on his desk shrilled.

The call they were all waiting for. Delivery was coming in.

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo**

"What's your name officer? I don't even know your name."

Was he talking to him directly? There were a couple of them in the room now so he looked about quickly trying to make sure he had not been mistaken. No, the blond sergeant was looking directly at him and seemed oblivious to the other staff.

He was stretched out in a chair, his long frame a formidable presence in the small radio communication room. His legs were crossed at the ankles and he had his head slumped forward with his chin on his chest . One hand kept rubbing his forehead and then he would alternate that with rubbing at his forearm. He had been doing that for over an hour now and Riley did not think he could take it anymore.

Not that he found that Detective Hutchinson was annoying him, but just watching him to carry out this same action over and over was getting to the younger officer. It was as though the sergeant could not stop the incessant rubbing of his arm and that he was in fact not even aware he was doing it.

He had stormed back into the radio room a long time ago now – cursing and swearing. He had kicked at the chairs, the filing cabinet and the wall. Riley had just looked away. He wasn't afraid of him, but he was concerned for him.

Riley had just kept about his business and tried not to watch him too much. He had turned a blind eye when he had taken over the radio control on the other desk and had patched himself into the surveillance cars back at the warehouse. Nothing they said or reported back to him seemed to change his spirit. His anger stayed constant and his frustration mounted. And as the minutes ticked by he looked more and more frantic.

How many times could a man look at a clock?

Eventually he just fell back in the chair, stretched out his long body and took on that watchful air - listening to every dispatch that came in. Of course not all of them concerned the warehouse bust and by now the next shift had arrived and the night calls started up. But the detective spoke only sparingly to the other officers. He was civil but curt with them, at times Riley thought overly irritated.

But he didn't seem that way with him and Riley was not sure why. He supposed it had to do with the fact that he had been sitting here with for the longest. But also Riley knew, it had to do with Riley's awareness of how the blond detective was really feeling. When he snapped at the other guys and demanded more details about a report, Riley knew it was not because he was angry with them, but because he was feeling so bad in himself.

Riley stayed. He was pulling a few extra hours tonight – as a favor for one of the other guys. He did not mind – never did. He loved his job and he loved the work down here in communications. It was one of his first rotations and eventually he would be moved to another area, foot patrol or traffic – but this job here, it felt good to him and suited his temperament. He felt like he was at the crossroads of every piece of action that concerned the force. Directing, linking up, problem solving – he got to do it all here at his desk with his radio and his direct line back to the officers in their patrol and undercover cars.

It was he thought, all about co-ordination.

Riley liked co-ordination, organizing and planning ahead. He liked order and systems.

But tonight, today really because this had been going on for hours now, he did not feel like he could do much to co-ordinate or problem solve anything for Detective Hutchinson.

He was not used to officers being in this workspace or room for very long. It was normally the domain of the radio guys and the other cops just waited to get updates and calls about cases in their cars or at their own desks.

For whatever reason this senior officer had decided to set up camp right next to his space.

He figured it had a lot to do with why this senior officer was in such a foul mood. He recalled that many of the expletives uttered and yelled by Detective Hutchinson as he had taken out his anger on the filing cabinet in the corner, had concerned "fucking Dobson" and "even Dobey, Christ even Dobey!" The young officer who was in total awe of the big black captain, was aghast at the way the detective had sworn about him.

After he had finished kicking the chairs and the cabinets and calling the captain filthy name, he had sort of calmed down a little. He had taken up residence then, just sat down beside Riley and looked at the two- way and waited.

He started now at the detective's question that did seem to be directed at him.

"I don't know your name officer? I have been sitting here with you for hours today and I don't know your name. I know you know mine."

_Oh hell. Please do not blush now. Why me? Why is he interested in me?_

"Ahhhh – its Riley sir. Officer Riley. I graduated four months ago now Sir. This is my second rotation and I - I enjoy working down here in communications. I am, interested in computers, you know sir, they say that it will be how we will all work soon – ah – in the future – with computers. So I like this side of police work."

_Oh God, now lame did that sound, this really cool detective asks me a simple question and I can't even get out a simple answer without blabbing my head off!_

Riley dared to look at the man trying to see whether he would be smirking at his dumb reply.

"Well Officer Riley, good for you, because you know the damn things sure leave me lost and confused. Can't say I am interested in much of that sort of stuff myself, but hey…if it works."

He smiled a little now and Riley thought how kind he looked when he did. "I can manage the electric typewriter - finally got that one down.

"Starsky still can't even get the damn paper into the manual one. Mind you I think we both know that is his ploy to get out of doing the reports. Maybe computers will one day help him to write his share of our reports."

His smile vanished and he closed his eyes and briefly shook his head as if pushing away the image.

"Look, I just wanted to say to you, ah, Riley that I am sorry if I am here, in your way, in your workspace, but you see, I need to be near…in case there …there is some word on Stars….on - my, my …"

He looked hard at Riley and then stopped. Faltered. Stuttered. His eyes looked sadder than even before if that was possible.

He started rubbing at his forearm again and then moved up to the crease in between his eyes. Riley wanted nothing more than to hear Car 65 come in using their caller ID and for them to have a message about the Kalzo operation that would make the light come back into Detective Hutchinson's eyes.

But the radio was just static. The other officers were busy with calls that had nothing to do with the warehouse job and lots to do with drunks, brawls and minor felonies.

There was no words coming in on the radios that could bring the light back into the blond detective's eyes. Riley felt pulled in two directions. He wanted to both leave so he did not have to watch this man's tortured face anymore. But also he wanted to stay, to just be here for him in silent support.

He took a risk then. Rolling his desk chair over to the detective he touched him lightly on the arm, and then with more courage when the detective looked up and did not pull back, with a firmer grip.

"Sir – I am sure that Detective Starsky will be safe. He is a good cop sir, and he knows how to handle difficult situations. You have to just keep thinking that sir - for your own well being and - and for your partner's. He will need you to be there for him when the operation is over...sir."

Had he overstepped the mark here? Made a statement that was insubordinate? He didn't think so but he was used to being stomped on by senior officers who liked to pull rank on juniors.

The sergeant put his own hand on his Riley's arm and reciprocated the gesture. The look in his eyes as he smiled gently at the younger man was full of emotion.

There was no way now that Riley would opt out and leave.

Even when his shift was over he knew he would stay – in silent support.

This man had shown him that his presence counted for a lot more than he had ever given himself credit for. Riley knew then – "Hutch" had just given him his first real taste of brotherhood.

Riley was beginning to understand now just a little of what this man must share with his partner.

The connection between the two partners was unfathomable in its intensity.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Thirty minutes or so later the call came in. Officer Riley was alone at his station and took the call. Detective Hutchinson had left the room to meet with the team upstairs. They were all getting last orders before getting into position for the raid.

Riley picked up the patch through as soon as he saw the ID – it was the officers who had reported earlier on Starsky having been taken by Ryan and Calbrini. He listened to the message with a dread that only proved to him how quickly someone could be pulled into another person's nightmare.

He made a decision. The detective would not be at his desk now anyway. He would rather give him this information in person.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

"So you've all got your orders, you all know the drill. We expect each of you to be in position by twelve midnight and wait for the directive. First trucks are expected to arrive no later than one am but of course there is always the possibility of a wider time frame given cargo and freight handling issues. It is anticipated that Kalzo wants to start unloading the trucks as soon as they hit the warehouse depot and to have distribution starting by dawn."

'"We want Kalzo unharmed _and_ his two closest men – you all know those details. Those three men are imperative to us – we want them in and alive if at all possible."

"Captain Dobey"? One of the uniforms spoke up from the back of the room.

"Any word yet on Detectives Starsky and Lancaster – what are their positions likely to be in the takedown. Can we expect them to be on site and therefore need to cover their backs."?

Dobey and Dobson gave each other a long look. Hutch hoped his eyes were burning holes in Dobson's face right at this minute.

He caught his captain looking at him in an uncomfortable way as he breathed in to respond to the officer's question. Dobson cut right across him. The move was not lost on most of the men who were equally divided in representation of the two precincts. Word had already filtered through that something had gone down with Starsky and Ryan. Word did not take long to travel in the department especially where two precincts were involved and each of the undercover detectives were from different precincts. The rumours had been running wild in the past hour and the two captains knew it.

The undercurrent was palpable.

"It would appear that we are not privy to the specifics of how Detectives Lancaster and Ryan are handling the mechanisms of their undercover operation. Earlier today, and I am sure many of you are aware of this, we have had word that the two detectives have left the warehouse for – what would seem - safer ground. We do not have the details but it is highly probable that Detective Starsky's cover had been blown and Detective Lancaster has been - err, required to take measure to ensure the safety of his fellow officer and to preserve the integrity of the undercover operation. That is all we have on the situation at the moment men."

Dobson kept his eyes everywhere but on Hutch.

"We assume that both officers will _not_ be on site until the operation is complete. You should not have to concern yourself with their safety. "

_You fucking asshole. You know nothing of the sort and have no idea where Ryan has taken Starsky or what he has done to him. _

He had tried. He had really tried to contain himself. No longer possible.

Dobey saw Hutch's face and knew what he was about to do. The other officers were all looking at Hutch. They too knew what he was feeling.

"Hutchinson!"

As Hutch stood, seething with pent up anger there was a knock at the meeting room door and a self-conscious cough. Hutch whirled around - Riley.

"Captain Dobey, Dobson – I am sorry to interrupt but I believe that you all need to hear this latest call in from surveillance at Kalzo's warehouse".

He was careful to address the most senior officers in the meeting but his message was directed at one man only. He was looking at him directly as he spoke.

Hutch was at Riley's side in an instant. His blue eyes were drilling into Riley's face and asking him to tell him what he most feared.

"What is it Riley? You have word on Starsky?"

How could he feel like he knew this man after just having spent time with him this one day? But he did. And Riley did not want to hurt him anymore than he was hurting, but he wanted to be the one to tell him – to do it kindly.

"Sir – I am sorry, but Detective Lancaster and Calbrini have returned to the warehouse – without Detective Starsky. I am – I am truly sorry – sir".

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Hutch was stationed in the undercover car with the two other detective sergeants – both of them from the nineteenth precinct. Neither of them known to him very well.

They had been in position for under an hour now and finally there was some movement within the warehouse and its immediate outer zone. Reports were coming in that the first truck out of a supposed three was making its way along the main arterial road leading into the warehouse area. Right on time – if anything a little early. The first load should hit the delivery zone at just after one am and there appeared to be at least twenty men on hand to take the delivery and pull the load down from the truck and straight into the bay where there were even more men waiting to start unpacking and parceling up orders.

Hutch had no interest in any of if now. The delivery, the load, the total amount that would be taken in, or in fact the men at the top of the ring itself.

Only three factors concerned him. Starsky's well being, Ryan's behavior toward his partner and Ryan's motives within the context of this operation.

Ever since Riley had passed him the piece of news, his mind could not stop grinding those same thoughts over and over till he thought his head would explode with the suppressed fear he held for Starsky and the anger he felt for Ryan – and also for Dobson who had blatantly refused to acknowledge what his own man may have done to jeopardize his partner.

_He had fucking returned without him! _

He had left him – in what state Hutch was too terrified to even contemplate. But he had returned with Nick – he had left Starsky – for whatever reason – and no reason would be good enough – for Ryan had left his own designated partner on this assignment and returned to the job.

In Hutch's mind it could only mean one thing. He had been in on the make of Starsky. Ryan was involved somehow. He must be.

He was incensed that Dobey could not see reason on this too.

He knew of course, when he put his cop's cap on, that Dobey's hands were tied and that he had no choice to see this bust go through – so close were they to the final hour.

But no one – no one could convince him that all was well with his partner.

In the meeting when Riley had brought the dreaded news – Dobson could not wrap the brief up any faster. He had everyone up and out before questions were raised and the obvious queries would come in – not just from Hutch – from any of the other more experienced cops there in that room too. From Dobey.

Your undercover partner gets made. You leave with your partner under threat, in order to preserve your own cover – with another man from the outfit you are trying to bust – you get orders from the top man – a gun is involved. Hell, for God's sake any cop in that room worthy of working an operation of this caliber – they knew. They all knew. Something was intrinsically wrong about this undercover case. And what was wrong did not just involve the head honcho.

But no one was prepared to question Dobson – about his man – about Ryan.

Most of the men could smell it –even the rookie down in Communications could work it out. There was the smell of shit in this case and no one but Hutch was prepared to think out loud.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo


	13. Chapter 13

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter 13**

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

It went down at 1.40am 1.42 am to be exact.

The real action commenced almost theatrically and quite dramatically at the same time as a loud peal of thunder rumbled through the air and flashes of angry lightening lit up the forecourt of the warehouse. The electrical sky illuminated the truck as it had just pulled into the docking bay at the side of the warehouse. Mother nature had come out in force to do her own bit to show up the underhand activities that this industrial building housed.

After six months of observation, planning, strategizing and carefully monitored undercover missions, the whole event was over in less than twenty minutes and was anticlimactic in its own performance. Kalzo's men caved in quickly and none of them seem prepared to fight for the cause when it was so obvious that the magnitude of the police invasion was beyond their own small army.

The operation and subsequent bust had been carefully constructed and skillfully managed. There were no hiccoughs for the two precincts and the department as a whole. At the end of the raid, the city police could easily commend themselves on a job well planned and gracefully executed.

As the first truck had rolled in and the load started to come down from the flat-bed on the big truck, Hutch and his two offside officers cued into the radio transmission.

The whole area around and in the warehouse became a seething mass and jumble of bodies, yelling, car horns, scuffles running feet, warning shots fired, commands of "Stop police! Put down your weapon!", searchlights and sniffer dogs. To the average civilian the scene would have alarmed and overwhelmed, but in the scheme of police busts, it was a contained and ordered job. There was, from what was immediately evident anyway, no lives taken and minimal bodily harm to either side.

Hutch had seen it all before and been part of it all before. But now in the dark hours of the morning amidst all the frenetic activity around him, he felt detached from it and centered on his own personal goal.

He did not throw himself into the fray as he might normally do. This staged performance and its final act interested him a lot less than it might have one week ago. He was saving his energy now for what mattered most to him.

As he walked through the very middle of the chaos, he was struck by a thought that he was in fact a little ashamed for even having.

Here it was, the big bust, the long-awaited coup by the department and as it transpired there was no real danger to anyone involved as it was going down . These busts were normally fraught with problems and risks – a cop always knew his neck was on the line with these sorts of jobs. He had worried endlessly for Starsky being involved with this case without him there to watch his back.

And now? Now , ironically, Starsky would have been safer here right in the middle of it all, right in the thick of it. He would have done his job, skillfully as he always did and then he would have walked back to one of the patrol cars or his own Torino and returned home for a hot shower and a long sleep.

But Starsky was not here. He was not at this bust. He was not here to be part of the take and to cheer when the load was uncovered and the crooks got their cuffs snapped on and their rights read to them.

He was not here for Hutch to go to and welcome back, pleased to have his partner safe and well with him again.

This unsafe place, would have been in fact so much safer for his partner then wherever he was right at this point.

Starsky was not here and he did not know where he was and Hutch's gut was twisted so hard he could barely walk.

He stopped dead still and tried to get his breathing under control.

Nowhere on the warehouse floor could he see Ryan or Calbrini. No one else seemed to have seen them either.

He started running now from room to room, kicking open each flimsy door with his weapon held in front of him. He knew he was not meant to be in on the bust in a formal role – Dobey still had him pigeon holed for desk duties - but he did not give a shit now. He had to find Ryan.

Where the hell was he? Surveillance had put him back here at least two hours before the truck had arrived with the first load.

He had been through most of the side rooms in the warehouse now and had found nothing. Most of Kalzo's men were accounted for now and were rounded up in small bunches by the narcotics officers.

It occurred to him then that Kalzo himself was not on the floor of the warehouse either, nor had been at the receiving dock when the load came in. He knew that Dobey and Dobson had come at the bust from the other street and the other side of the building. He had not seen them since they all took their positions. He realised now that was probably where he would find Kalzo, his men and the captains.

More importantly it was the only place that Ryan could be.

He ran over to one of the two officers he had been in the car with earlier. He had three men under his arrest with another cop assisting him.

"You've been casing this joint for days. Where the hell is Kalzo's main office?"

"Round the front entrance near the side. You'll have to go back through where we came in off the dock. Can only get to it from outside the building. It's separate to this main part."

Hutch was running even before the officer finished talking.

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo**

Hutch rounded the corner of the front of the warehouse and skidded in the rain-slicked asphalt. He saw a black and white parked right outside a door where dim lights were picking out the silhouettes of several people. He could hear the shouting and cursing even as first saw the office.

Two patrolmen were handcuffing Kalzo and one other guy who Hutch recognized from the criminal files as being one of his main men. Hutch recalled that this was the same man who had partnered Ryan on his runs – Luke somebody. Another officer was leading out another smaller and younger man. His blood-shot eyes and confused face were instantly recognizable to Hutch as the nephew – Nick Calbrini.

Hutch would have gone to him then, but he was too intent on finding another person.

Kalzo, florid and sweating was spitting obscenities at all the cops.

Dobey's big shape on one side and Dobson's taller frame on the other were blocking Hutch's view of the man who was sitting in an office chair, slumped over and holding his head.

"So I had no choice, we were cornered…. I just had to do it."

It all poured out of him then.

The pent up rage, the fear, the loathing of this man that he couldn't even really justify – it all just exploded and even if he had used all of his self-restraint he could not stop his body moving through space and lunging at the man in the chair.

Pushing aside the two captains he hurled himself at Ryan, grabbed him by his collar and pulled him forcibly to his feet. At once he could see his battered face and body. He nearly hesitated then. Not because he was concerned about the damage to Ryan but because of what it meant. Why was he so beaten up? It was all fresh trauma – fresh enough to be only hours before?

Only one man could have done this to him and the fact that he had was more than worrying.

"You had no choice to do what? No choice to do what Ryan!"

He slammed him against the wall of the office, the chair spinning away wildly and Dobson crying out for him to leave his officer alone.

"Why are you fucking bleeding Ryan? What have you done to Starsky?"

He shook Ryan violently and was surprised to see that for once the arrogant cockiness was replaced with a genuine glimmer of fear.

"TELL ME WHERE MY PARTNER IS!"

Ryan struggled now and pushed against Hutch. Dobson had signaled to two of the officers who were momentarily dumbstruck by the performance.

"Men! Get Hutchinson off him – restrain him!"

Dobey was placating Dobson.

"That is not necessary – Hutchinson – back off and calm down. Hutch!"

The officers moved toward the blond detective but he was already waving them off with his hands.

"Forget it – forget it!" he dropped his hands from Ryan and held them in the air and stepped back a couple of steps.

"'Call them off Dobson – I'm not being taken from here." Hutch kept his eyes pinned on Ryan's battered face and narrowed his glare.

"You had better start talking and talking fast Ryan because I ran out of patience with you hours ago. What went down with you and my partner and where is he?"

In the background Kalzo was laughing as he was being led away from the scene.

"What a show! You are all fucking each other over! Tell him Ryan, tell him what you did to him. Freaking pig! Freaking pigs both of you. Should have killed you when I first suspected you were a cop too. "

Dobson addressed his men and Kalzo.

"Get him out of here and into the squad car. I want them all down at the station for interrogation within the hour. I suggest you shut your mouth Kalzo and shut it now. You have enough on your plate to deal with after tonight."

Ryan fell back into the seat. He looked up at Dobson, glanced only occasionally at Dobey. He would not look at Hutch who he knew was drilling him with his eyes as he stood menacingly over the top of him.

"Like I was saying – Nick made Starsky earlier today. I don't know how – never got the chance to find out. We were at the bar, playing pool. Maybe a contact there ….I don't know…all I know is that he was on to Starsky and Starsky must have felt it…you know he took off in a taxi and left the bar."

"Ryan – I want to know it all – every fucking little detail – but right now all I want is for you to tell me where he is and that he is ok. He is ok isn't he Ryan because for fuck's sake you are sitting here now telling us bedtime stories …where did you leave him?"

Hutch was feeling slight relief. Perhaps he had managed to place Starsky somewhere until the bust was over. Perhaps the damage done to Ryan _was_ part of the game plan between the two of them.

But what Ryan said next had the fear surging back again.

"Look I had to make it seem good. Had to – Nick was there, Kalzo's nephew. He wanted to do him in – he wanted to shoot him. He's alive Hutch – I left him alive. Bought him the time he needed for you to get to him. Kalzo doesn't know he's alive – thinks I finished him."

Ryan knew that it was very unlikely that Starsky would in fact still be alive, but his story was coming together now as he built it up for the three pairs of eyes all waiting for his words and his explanation. Hutchinson's eyes on him were almost hypnotic. He had never seen this side of him – not in all the years he had known him. His eyes normally so light and blue were deadly and threatening.

"Get the car Dobey – get those two officers I need them now and the car….where Ryan – where did you leave him?"

"It was to look like a job done by one of the buyers. Down near the Chinese district. Alley near Brannington and South…. there's a couple of tailor shops – the back entrance to them."

Hutch was already motioning to one of the officers – his partner already driving the car up closer to the office.

"I want to come with you – I can show exactly where he is."

_I want to make sure he is dead and that if by chance he isn't that he says nothing to you._

Hutch cut off whatever Dobson was about to say about his officer's request.

"Ryan you have done enough already. I will find him – you can be sure of that. I will find him and then you and I will talk again."

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo**

The black and white braked heavily and losing traction on the rain-slicked street it's heavy metal bulk skidded forward and slewed to the side.

"Back up, back up! Down there. Down this alleyway. I can see the cruiser pulling in now."

Bright car lights were glaring down the narrow lane way acting as a beacon for the other cop car.

Hutch was yelling at the driver and wiping his hand against the window as if he could clear the sheets of rain that restricted his visibility. The car's interior was heavily misted with the hot breaths of its anxious passengers and the condensation of the wet atmosphere outside. It was still dark , the early morning light not yet breaking through and the storm clouds still low and heavy.

As the senior officer pulled the car back and swung into the lane, Hutch was already preparing to jump out of the passenger car door. Through the heavy downpour of rain and the windscreen wiper blades, he could make out the forms of several people standing about and gesturing wildly to another patrol car that had pulled up at the scene. They were all focused on something on the ground, pushed up against the rough, graffiti brick wall. Two of the people were kneeling beside the dark shape and looking about anxiously as if awaiting some form of instruction. The officer slowed the car to a crawl and tried to inch closer to the scene, but the milling audience obstructed their advancement.

"Just stop here! Stop the fucking car here!"

He was out now and running, slipping on the oily filthy alley surface. He skidded to a stop at the small knot of onlookers and noted that the officers from the first patrol car had reached down to the body on the ground.

A sound tore from his throat hardly intelligible as his partner's name.

"Starsky!"

"Leave him! Don't touch him!"

He pushed and shoved through the dumbfounded circle of voyeurs – all just standing and watching, taking in the show and the drama that was down town crime time theatre. Everyone enjoyed something like this to break up the monotony of dreary survival in these pathetic districts. As long as the theatre did not involve anything too close to home.

As long as the drama had a stranger at the center of the production and not a loved one.

But the person at the center of this drama now was obviously someone close to home to this man. Most of the crowd moved back now to let him through, sensing at once that the arrival of this person signaled that the drama was about to step up another notch.

"Move, all of you move!" he pushed at one fat man who had not wanted to relinquish his spot nearest the victim. The man was not happy to be shoved aside and spat out abuse at this plain-clothes blonde man who was trying to muscle his way into the front row of the little spectacle.

"Hey who the hell do you think you are buddy? Move yourself! We were here waiting for the cops to arrive and we found him first."

The fat man made a grab at Hutch's arm and next thing he knew the tall blond had simply turned his eyes on him and then elbowed him so hard that he instantly doubled over, gasping for his breath.

"I said fucking move all of you! Get out of here. Leave him alone!" He roared at the man and glared at any one else who dared to challenge his flashing eyes.

The two officers who had travelled with Hutch in the other black and white came up at the rear now and started sorting out the crowd.

"All of you do as Detective Hutchinson requests now. Clear this scene and wait to the side please. We will need some statements from some of you so don't leave any of you. Just stand aside please."

The fat man and the others grudgingly moved back from the wall, away from the dark bundle on the ground. The sickly colours of the neon lights caught the tangle of dark wet curls and Hutch felt both joy and fear at the sight so familiar to him.

He fell to his knees beside the form that was curled with his back against the wall, his body looking smaller than its real size and folded in on itself in a defensive form as if warding off any further assault.

The body that was his partner – the centerpiece of a crime.

The two patrolmen looked at each other now as Hutch dropped beside them, and knowing instinctively this man was the partner of the victim, they pulled away from the shape and gave him full access to the man. One of the officers now trained his torch on the spot where the body lay, and the true extent of the victim's injuries were now evident in the harsh white light.

"We just got here sir. We haven't touched him. Hobbs put the call through for the ambulance as soon as we arrived on the scene. It looks as though, from the blood (the officer hesitated , not wanting to reference the word blood to this man who already looked ill with the shock of what was before him) – ah sir – from the marks there on the ground and here – that the victim has pulled himself across from the middle of the lane to here, near this wall here sir."

But the officer's voice just faded off, he would save his report for later because he could tell now that the sergeant was not listening to him and did not acknowledge either of the officers in any way.

But Hutch had heard the officer speak and even though the cop in him was not the primary role out on display here right now, there was too much cop in him not to have already taken in the crime scene and made a sweeping assessment of the situation where his best friend now lay.

Starsky must have somehow managed to pull himself across the alley way and sheltered against the wall for support – like a wounded animal. The heavy rain had blurred the stains of red blood but there had not been enough to wash away the taint of it from the dirty little street.

The younger officers and the small crowd all stood transfixed now as this tall man focused down on the man on the ground. He centered all of his attention to the body that he now moved over to cover from the relentless fall of rain. His own hair was flattened against his skull and water dripped from his face as he looked with stricken eyes at the man beneath him.

He was talking to him now, to this broken and maimed person, the rain pounding down on the bloody body despite the blond man doing his best to shield him from the rain.

"Starsk, Starsk – oh no, no …..please…." His hands reached out but hovered over the top of his partner as if he could not take the risk of hurting his shattered body with his touch. He gently touched the wet curls and slipped his fingers carefully under his friend's head. He held it then, trying to put a barrier between the rough roadway and his friend's head and cheek. He put his other hand on the other side of his face and with the most tender of movements, tilted his partner's face toward him.

"Its ok now. Its ok now – I am here now with you Starsk. I am here. You can relax and rest now, I'll take care of everything now."

The patrol officers watched as the big blond tried to wipe the raindrops off his friend's face, brushing with the lightest of sweeps, to clear the rivulets from streaming into his friends battered bloody eyes. Again he tried to pull his own body over the top of the other man's as though to simply by stopping the rain from falling on him he could in some way bring some small measure of comfort to the unresponsive man.

In one quick motion he tore his own damp weatherproof coat off and went to lay it over the chest and shoulders of his partner.

His hands moved down the body now, expertly feeling and touching, assessing the damage done to the broken form of the man whose shaped and contours he knew as well as his own.

"Oh Gordo, what have they done to you". Starsky pulse was weak and thready and Hutch had been trying to time its rate as he pressed his fingers against Starsky's carotid. He could tell that from the labored shallow breaths that there were likely to be fractured ribs and possibly a punctured lung. His face had been smashed and cut up badly and the rain could do nothing to wash away the layers of thickened encrusted blood that had dried in places but was still oozing fresh blood in others.

Somebody – someone had punched the shit out of his partner and from the ugly black bruises and broken skin on Starsky's chest where his shirt had been torn open, Hutch could also gauge that he had been kicked repeatedly. He drew in his breath, the bile rising, his stomach clenching as it did whenever he witnessed his partner injured or hurt.

"I will have him for this Starsk. I will have him for both of us." He was careful now not to transfer the clenching aggression he felt mounting in his arms and hands into the vulnerable body he held in his arms.

He needed to hold his partner's hands now - to transfer some strength back into him until the ambulance arrived. He knew too that it was his own way of trying to ascertain how much awareness Starsky had of his surroundings. What level of consciousness Starsky had. If he could get him to squeeze his hand then he would be immensely relieved.

He felt under the coat he had laid over his body, and slid his own hand gently under Starsky's side to try to free the arm and hand that he was laying heavily on. He needed to make sure that he got the blood pumping in this limb, for now he was freshly concerned that he may have been in this position for hours. He might have nerve damage to his arm and hand.

For the first time he looked up at one of the officers who all stood about him, blocking the onlookers but keeping back enough to give the detective privacy.

"Please can one of you help me to move him? His arm needs to be freed – he's lying awkwardly on it…. But we need to be careful not to move him suddenly" One of the men stepped forward and knelt with Hutch, supporting the limp body while Hutch, began to turn him over. " Gently…easy easy, Starsk I just want to lie you a little more on your back to rest your side. Hey you big oaf, help me here"

Starsky started to make a noise for the first time. As Hutch attempted to turn him from his side lying position, Starsky let out a pitiful groan and tried to feebly push at Hutch.

Hutch's face creased in alarm .

"Hey buddy I am sorry, sorry. Did I hurt you? I am just trying to take the pressure off your arm and side here. Can you hear me Starsky?" Starsky one free hand suddenly made contact with Hutch's. He was pushing at his hand and groaning a word or words. Hutch could not understand his strangled moan and the rain in the background made the softest of sounds coming from his partner impossible to hear. He had his ear against Starsky's mouth but he could make nothing out.

He tried to hold the bloody and crusted hand to conserve Starsky's energy, but he kept pushing it down near his side and groaning out the same strangled word.

The uniformed officer tried to offer an explanation for Starsky's show of distress.

"He must be in pain from lying in the one place for so long – blood is probably flowing back into his arm and side."

"He's trying to tell me something but he's too weak. Where the fuck is the ambulance? You said you called it!"

"We did sir – but the storm and the rain….maybe"

Hutch nodded and readjusted his balance to try again to gently move his partner onto his back. In doing so his knee landed in a rain-soaked pocket of water trapped beside Starsky's body. Between his hip and an uneven piece of the road.

Hutch stared at the puddle where his knee had landed. The white light of the police torches was shining on the water caught there. He looked quickly then at the other small puddles collected in a similar ways around Starsky's inert body.

"Fuck!" the water collected there, lying in its own little pool beside Starsky's lower torso was red, the other puddles were not. Starsky's feeble hand actions were trying to touch or push as something near his side where his body was still pressed into the ground.

"Lift him now" As they all three of them turned him fully onto his back Starsky let out a guttural groan and his hand slapped wildly at his side. He finally understood the pain filled word that his partner was trying to gasp out and his worst fears were confirmed.

"Kni – kni –fe. Out knife. Take out knife."

When they had moved him, Hutch gasped as his hand went down to explore the site where the blood was still oozing.

A typical street knife, was projecting from Starsky's lower side.

The small crowd still waited, standing huddled in the rain, watching this scene play out in their seedy little back street. They all jumped now shocked and surprised when the soaking blond man, looked up the alley as if seeking out someone and bellowed into the first grey light of the morning.

"Ryan you fucking motherfucker! I will kill you!"


	14. Chapter 14

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter 14**

How much hate could a man hold inside himself? Hatred for another man?

What does that hatred do to you when it doesn't get out, doesn't get released?

Does it rot away your guts, your heart, your soul?

Hutch thought it probably did because every fiber of him now was vibrating with its destructive energy. Just keeping it all inside of him required more force than he could muster and very soon he knew that he would lose the battle to keep it contained.

There was no doubt.

No doubt in his mind.

He wanted to kill Ryan Lancaster.

That one constant thought was what was keeping the tall, rain-soaked, fatigued detective from collapsing now as he sat forward in the hard chair, his head in his hands, and his body taut with anger and fear.

He was sitting where he sat so many times before in this life of being a cop – waiting for a medical update on his partner.

But this time the waiting was done outside of the OR – a vacuum of silence punctuated only by swooshing doors and hushed voices. It was not the usual waiting area he sat in when at hospitals waiting for news on his partner. It was not the frenetic paced emergency room where chaos reigned supreme and he and Starsky were just your regular parts of the scenery. It had long been a running joke between them that they had to alternate their hospitals because the emergency staff would be so sick of the sight of both of them... "Oh no, not you again Sargent Starsky. What have we here this time?"

No, not just their typical emergency room visits where Starsky might be whisked away by some dour faced nurse, all the while petulantly complaining that he would be fine and how much he hated damn hospitals. He was not in a side room getting a few stitches or an assessment of the level of his concussion, or waiting on an xray of what might be more than a twisted ankle or wrenched wrist.

This was the serious end of the waiting at the hospital scene.

Starsky wouldn't walk out complaining about the tetanus needle he was forced to have, or that the stitches were pulling or that his pride had been injured when he had to drop his pants for the witch of a nurse. There wouldn't be the opportunity for Hutch to bite back with some smart retort or tease him about his fear of needles. There would be no "c'mon lets go and grab you a beer and you will feel better" or "better get you home before you down those painkillers Gordo because they always send you wacky".

Serious hospital scenes did not have those sorts of endings.

Serious hospital scenes were terrifying.

Starsky wasn't going to walk out of the door at all and it was only the burning hate for the man who had put his partner here, that kept Hutch was not facing his real fear that Starsky would even come out of the OR alive.

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo**

The realization that Ryan had not only beaten his partner within an inch of his life but that he had actually stabbed him and left him for dead shook Hutch to the core.

In the minutes before the ambulance had arrived and he had held Starsky's hand away from the wound and the imbedded knife, Hutch had already begun to see in his mind what he would do to Ryan.

Starsky had been lying on the knife and the wound all of this time – probably for hours – whenever he had managed to crawl over to the wall. The shock of seeing that knife protruding from his friend's side was unbelievable. To think that his undercover partner had done this to him!

"_He's alive Hutch…I bought him time for you to find him"_

_You fucking liar Ryan._

Only now was the true extent of Ryan's culpability becoming clearer.

What must it have been like for Starsky to have Ryan do this to him? To plunge a knife into his guts as he stood and looked him in the eye?

What the fuck had gone on here to leave Starsky dying here on some filthy, sleazy alleyway in the pouring rain. What had gone through that sicko's head to leave him like this – beaten broken and left to bleed out – to die alone in this squalid neighborhood with no one but some nosey onlookers to watch him fade out?

_Oh My God what if?_

If he hadn't gotten here? If the squad cars were not given the call to look out for him in these alleyways? If he hadn't gotten to Ryan on time to find out where he had left him?

These half-witted spectators would not have gotten help for him on time – they would have assumed he was just some street junkie, just another casualty of the drug game , left to die by some pusher who never got his money for the deal.

He would have died with just them beside him.

Starsky would have died without him.

He struggled gently to keep his partner from trying fruitlessly to push the knife out of his side. The sight of the knife was too much for him to bear, but he knew far better than to do the reflexive – to pull it out carefully. He had seen enough knife deaths in his time to know that as hideously cruel as it looked and must have felt, the piece of metal was serving as a tamponade inside Starsky's body. Its dislodgment could mean that Starsky could bleed out completely within minutes.

"Just a little while longer Starsk. A little longer and the pain will be better. The knife will be out soon."

He heard the reassuring whirr of the ambulance siren its flashing lights cutting through the rain sheeted early light.

As the medics alighted from the van, and raced toward him he felt relief course through his veins. Thank God help was here.

He bent closer to his partner's face and touched him softly on his bruised cheek.

"The cavalry is here buddy. All that pain will be gone very soon I promise you. I won't leave you, I'll be here, but I have to move away now and let them do their job ok?"

He moved back as the medics swarmed in and the trolley was unloaded from the van and pushed nearer to Starsky. It was going to be alright.

_Starsky wouldn't die without him_.

Firmer now because he had to believe it.

_Starsky __won't __die._

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo**

He saw him now as soon as the lift well opened and the doors slid open. The white interior of the waiting area outside of the OR held just one man and instantly the younger man who quietly walked out of the lift, felt his heart extend to him.

The man was bent over on himself with his face in his cupped hands, motionless and tense. The air was heavy with his grief and despair. Had he really only known this man on a personal level (because that was how it felt for him now – a personal connection, not just as a professional one) for less than forty-eight hours?

He had to give himself a firm lecture to get the courage up to come here but in the end he did what was for him way out of his comfort zone. When he heard the news which was flying around the department early this morning, he had packed up his things , signed off for his over-time hours and left the station with a determination to follow through on gut feelings. His gut was telling him that Detective Hutchinson might need a friend and some support right about now.

Riley was not so audacious to believe that the detective would not have supports and friends and a multitude of colleagues who could be there for him at this difficult time – but his gut was telling him that he had the right and had earned the privilege to be one of those supports. For whatever reason, maybe just youthful admiration of a higher leveled officer, genuine pleasure that he had felt valued by this man, or simply that he really liked Hutchinson – he wanted to come here.

Now he was here and the man was in front of him his courage started to leave him.

_Oh Heck! Probably tell me to piss off. Get lost you stupid rookie. Who the hell do you think you are coming here while I am waiting for my partner? _

Riley swallowed, looked about the room and wondered now how he might catch the lift back without the man with his head in his hands, noticing him at all.

The Riley of two days ago would have turned by now and pressed the button to the lift. He might well have slipped away quietly regretting his brief sojourn into placing a higher value on his self worth. For even thinking for a moment that he might actually have something to offer this man – a man far more worldly, hardened and experienced than him, a green rookie who still had to battle with mild acne and a willful cowlick.

"Are you going to stand there all day or get me a coffee Riley? Cos I sure could do with one right about now."

Riley nearly jumped. What the hell? Had he been aware of him the whole time?

"Ahhh, Detective Hutchinson, yes sir, I was wondering sir – if – well I was thinking sir that I wanted to come when I heard the news. I wanted to come sir and say how sorry I was for you – for your partner and – well – I hope you don't think sir that I have been –"

"Riley, the coffee."

"Of course sir I will – I saw the machine on the floor below. I know how you take it now sir…. I will be right back."

"Thank you Riley. I just don't want to leave here – you can understand.''

He looked up at the OR door which stayed resolutely closed. He smiled just a little at the young officer.

"It's a damn good thing you happened by Riley. "

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo**

They had sat together now for half an hour. Hutch sipping disinterestedly at the coffee Riley had brought him, but politely refusing his offer of food that he had hurriedly picked up from the vending machine. He hadn't said much but had smiled again at Riley when he returned with the drinks and had motioned for him to take a seat beside him.

"I'm sorry Riley, but I'm not very good company at the moment. "

"Oh please sir, don't – don't apologize – I know how you must be feeling."

_Oh no! Oh please let me take that back. I have ruined it now for sure. As if he thinks I would have any idea of how he is feeling. How clichéd and how stupid._

But Hutchinson didn't make him feel bad or clichéd for what had come out of his stupid mouth.

"Then Riley, you know it is the worst of all feelings. The _very_ worst of all feelings. The waiting and the not knowing and the fear – of losing – of losing him".

It was then that Riley understood the connection.

He understood why this man seemed not to doubt his earnest conviction that he did truly feel for what the detective was going through.

For Riley had lost someone too, lost someone so very precious to him. He had waited and wondered and his fears had mounted with each passing hour. But in the end it was all useless – the worry. He had still lost him – lost his older brother.

A brother who was so different to Riley. He was his big brother but he had always been to Riley his own hero. Deeply complex, emotional and charismatic. But harder than Riley could ever be, hardened to the world. He was everything that Riley looked up to and admired and he had enough confidence and courage for the both of them. He had loved him so much.

And then he was taken from him and Riley was alone, his valiant brother gone so young in life.

Riley admitted to himself now.

His brother was an awful lot like Detective Hutchinson.

"This time Riley, this waiting time is just too cruel" he pressed his fingers into the deep crease between his eyes now. "How do we get through this time? How do we do it Riley?" The detective's blue eyes were filled with unshed tears.

"We just do sir. We just do." He put his hand on the detectives shoulder and looked hard at the wall in front of him. He did not want the older man to see his own tears that were welling now at his own memories, at his own loss. This was not a time to burden the already burdened.

The two were startled out of the heavy moment when the lift pinged and the light flashed just as the doors opened.

The two captains were standing conferring and looked out to see the two figures in the waiting area.

Dobey and Dobson walked over to Hutch and Riley.

Hutch did not rise but anticipating their question cut them off.

"Nothing. Nothing yet and it has been over two hours."

Dobey walked to Hutchinson and squeezed his shoulder.

"You know he's strong Hutch – he'll pull through this."

Dobey was looking quizzically at Riley.

"Officer – um – "

"Officer Riley Captain – Communications."

"'Ah, yes that is right" Riley's self-introduction did nothing to sort out his confusion.

Dobson spoke now. "Well Riley have you come here to deliver some information from the station? Is there some news from the squad that are dismantling the operation at the warehouse?"

"No Captain, nothing like that sir. I am off duty now and just –"

"Just what Riley? Detective Starsky has been involved in this major case and the information surrounding and concerning that case is confidential…"

"Officer Riley is here with me Dobson."

"Yes, but a junior officer who…"

"I said he is here with me. He came to wait – to wait – for Starsky, with me"

The look that accompanied the statement had Dobson shifting his tie and pulling on his collar as if suddenly the whole ensemble was too restricting.

Riley kept his eyes down but felt the familiar heat creep up his neck as he just knew his face was being engulfed by yet another blossoming blush. And yet – he was secretly smiling inside for the way that Hutch had just put Dobson in his place.

A highly respected and more senior officer had just afforded him a show of solidarity.

He sat and savored that knowledge for the next moments as the two captains began discussing the case.

Hutch was once more becoming agitated and stood up suddenly to pace the room.

"So Captain Dobson" he put a heavy emphasis on the "Captain" as if by highlighting the word he found it to be an incongruent title for Dobson.

"Do your officers make it a habit to protect their covers by stabbing their partners and leaving them to die?"

"Hutchinson don't –" It was Dobey's turn to twist and pull at his tie and his heavy face began to sweat even more profusely which Riley thought was saying something because Captain Dobey's face was _always_ sweating.

"Don't what Captain? Don't what? Say the fucking obvious? So we don't talk about this? We don't mention the fact that Ryan did what he did to my partner"?

"I am sure that Detective Lancaster had his reasons and a sound rationale for his actions in this case. We have yet to have a full debriefing – he has only just finished up being attended to in emergency himself – for his – for his injuries and I imagine then that we will all have the opportunity to discuss the details of this undercover operation and the involvement of the two officers."

"One of those two officers is right now in there" he jabbed his finger at the far double doors of OR, "fighting for his life because of what the other officer, his undercover partner, his entire support while he was under, did to him!"

Hutch whirled now to his own captain.

" Captain Dobey, surely you are going to investigate Ryan. Tell me you are not involved in this madness of thinking it was all routine. Tell me that you want answers too. "

Dobson was puffing up now. "Sergeant Hutchinson, I suggest that you reign your behavior and your comments to a level that is not crossing the line between conjecture and insubordination. I can appreciate that this is a difficult and worrying time for you now and that your primary concern is for the well being of your partner. I'm prepared to make allowances for the situation we have here."

He looked now at Dobey for collegial support.

But I will not have you referring to my statements as 'madness' "

Dobey went to Hutch now and put his big arm up as if to slow down the pace and direction that this conversation was taking.

"Look Hutch let's all just wait till we get news on Starsky hey? You don't need this now – leave it all till later till things are calmer and we are all more settled. It has been a terrible twenty four hours and now we just need to think about Starsky"

"Captain – don't you realize that is all I _am_ thinking about?" but he did pull back a little now. This was going nowhere and was not the place anyway to try to sort out the issues he had with Dobson or his man.

Just as he was trying out this new found rational approach, the lift opened again.

A moment before fatigue and an overwhelming physical weakness were claiming Hutch's reserves and he wanted to go back to his chair in the corner and curl up by himself.

The sight of the big man who now stood framed in the lift doors was an ice-cold bucket of water over his head. Re-energized by the fresh wave of rage that welled up in him, he bit out the words.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Hello to you too Hutchinson. In fact I have just come from the Emergency department." He looked over at his captain now.

"Needed a bit of a patch up and a stitch or two in the head. Got a few painkillers too so should be fine to settle tonight and be back on deck for tomorrow's debriefing. I wanted to let you know that I think it is best that I take off the rest of the day. I really need to regroup. It's been a tough few days on all of us."

He looked sideways at Hutch and caught the tension in his jaw and his clenched fists by his side.

Dobson was nodding his head "Of course, of course. Totally understandable".

"Look I kept asking the staff at the desks downstairs but no-one had any information for me and so I just thought I'd get myself up here and see what is happening with Starsky"?

"Well Ryan, lets just say that Starsky might need a bit more than a few stitches and a couple of pain killers to fix him up. You could say that he has a tough couple of days. He was left in a filthy alley, did you hear – left severely beaten and oh – yes – fucking stabbed too – just left there to die. Maybe whoever left him there thought he would die or be dead by the time I found him".

"Back off Hutchinson. I know you're worried about your partner. Don't you think I'm as worried as all hell about him too for God's Sake! We were in their together remember? I have done nothing but worry about him since I had to come back to the warehouse before the shipment came in – to keep my cover intact. Do you know how hard it was to leave him there like that"?

"I wouldn't know Ryan. I wouldn't know because I would never leave my partner like that, for whatever reason – ever!"

"Even if the whole operation was going to be jeopardy and get blown wide open?"

Ryan gave that sickening twisted half smile now – the arrogant side of him making its re-emergence.

"Well maybe then Hutchinson you are not the cop I thought you were. I know for a damn fact that Starsky would have done it too – he's that sort of cop. A damn good one."

"You arrogant self-serving prick! You know nothing about Starsky. You don't know him at all and I will repeat my answer to your question. No I would never leave my partner to die, even for a fucking operation, no matter what the scale – because you know why Ryan? Because that is not what real partners do to each other and that is why YOU are not half the cop that Starsky is because I know he would NEVER have left you - operation blown or not."

"I didn't leave him to die. I saved his ass! I bought him time. Nick was gonna shoot him for Christ Sake. What did you expect me to do? I had to make it look good. I figured by knifing him and leaving the knife in he stood a chance. Nick was too dumb to realize that Starsky wasn't going to die. He bought the cover and I bought Starsky the time he needed till you got to him."

The two captains had hovered in the background attempting to pull each of their men away from the other as Hutch moved in precariously close and threatening to Ryan. Ryan stood his ground and kept up his semi- cocky stance.

Riley just looked on with a worried frown and discerning face.

"That's your very convenient story Ryan but it is full of holes bigger than the one you thought it necessary to put in my partner's body. If you were preserving your cover and Starsky was helping you to do that, than why the hell are you beaten up so badly? Starsky has done you over – I recognize his handiwork (Hutch gave a small wicked smile at this) – now why would he need to fight so hard with you if you were both just covering your undercover role? Maybe Starsky was fighting to save his life. Maybe Starsky realized you had thrown him to the lions?"

Ryan sneered and shook his head.

'That is just total crap Hutchinson. You have let your imagination run away with you while you had nothing to do but sit on your pompous ass while we both did the hard yards in this job."

"I had no choice but to sit on my ass and wait and watch you. You manipulated this case Ryan – all the way. I'm even thinking now that you worked it to your favor to go under with Starsky without me there".

Staring hard now at Ryan he pushed further.

"What was it like to look him in the face when you shoved the knife into him? Did it turn you on to have him looked so shocked, so hurt at what you did to him? Did it turn you on to watch him suffer you sick pathetic bastard?"

The two captains looked confused at this last question and something flashed hot and dark across Ryan's bruised and beaten features. A look that was full of venom and spoke of a warning to the other man. He brought his beaten face closer to Hutch but remained careful not to touch him or to physically threaten him.

His voice was low and deep now and hot with hostility.

"Don't – don't go there Hutchinson. I am warning you don't go there. You will regret it if you do."

"Hutchinson, enough! I want you to quit this little vendetta game you have going here with Lancaster. You are both way out of line. Now stop before I call up some uniforms to remove you both. I know you wouldn't like to be removed from this hospital Hutch, so you'd better not push me to do anything further. Either calm down now or I will haul your asses down to the department and leave you in front of the IA office!" He scowled and wiped his wet brow. "Let them damn well sort you two out."

Riley moved up to Hutch now and caught his arm.

"Captain Dobey is right sir. None of this is doing any good for Detective Starsky now and you really just need to wait till he is well enough to talk to him about his take on all of this. Don't you think Sir? "

Hutch drew in a massive shuddering breath. It was way overdue and as he filled his lungs with the fresh air he forced out all the pent up frustration with the long exhalation.

He just nodded at Riley and walked back nearer the OR door.

"Riley here is right. All that matters now is Starsky's recovery. I just need to talk to Starsky and then..."

He lifted his long arm and held his pointed finger upright still in the air aiming it toward Ryan's face. How many times had Riley seen Hutch do this when he saw him around the station during arguments and disagreements with other officers – it was a formidable stance and commanded attention.

"And then Ryan we will have this all out on the table one way or the other. The cop in me has a lot of questions and the partner in me won't stop till I get the answers.

For your sake Ryan you'd better hope that I like the answers.

Now I want you the hell out of here now."

"I have as much right as you to wait for news on Starsky and to possibly see him in recovery later on" Ryan's sneer was back.

"You have no such right. You gave up all rights to my partner when you left him in that alley. Now get out of here because there is no way I will allow you anywhere near Starsky.

Get out before I change my mind about doing what I really would like to do to you"

Ryan simply smiled, put up his hands and walked away.

Dobson followed soon after.

When Ryan and Dobson had departed Hutch seemed to fold in on himself. He walked now to the end of the room, found the corner and hunkered down with his head on his knees.

Riley could tell that the stand off with Ryan had cost him his last reserves of energy. The man had been running on empty for over twenty four hours and was making relentless demand on his compromised body. Riley knew that the detective had been very ill and off work for many weeks. He couldn't take this undercover assignment because of his poor health. Now in the past days he had watched the detective slip further and further into a deteriorated physical and mental state.

He was not sure how much more this man could take.

But Riley was learning pretty fast, Hutchinson was one determined man when it came to his partner.

Dobey left in search of fresh coffee – he would wait with his detective till word came on Starsky.

Riley kept vigil.

A short time later Riley placed his hand on Hutch's arm, shaking him lightly.

"Sir – the doctor is here"

Hutch was up and over to the OR door as the still- gowned surgeon walked away from the OR and motioned him over to the seats. He was fatigued himself and welcomed the chance to rest his legs after standing for so long in surgery.

Hutch took a breath and waited for the doctor to speak.

He refrained himself from prompting.

He had waited so long that just a little longer would not matter.

After all, he thought, the wait was over.


	15. Chapter 15

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter 15**

He had only been permitted to see him briefly.

To spend no more than five minutes at his side before he was politely but firmly asked to leave. He would have argued of course but then there was nothing to be gained by arguing. He knew that he needed to rest and to clean up, eat and drink something so that he could get back here and take up his position beside the bed.

To be there when it mattered the most. To be there when his partner awoke.

The surgeon had given him and Dobey the full litany of the medical side of Starsky's condition. The knife wound was low in the abdomen and thankfully its lancing blade had not found any of Starsky's major internal organs or Thank God perforated his intestine. There was significant blood loss and muscle damage but the knife had, as Hutch had hoped for, stemmed what would have been a far greater blood loss had it been removed or displaced.

The beatings he had sustained were severe and had left him with a punctured lung courtesy of four cracked ribs. The kicks and punches to his back had bruised and traumatized his kidneys. He had a dislocated shoulder and two broken fingers. Although his eyes, nose and mouth were all cut up badly he must have been able to deflect enough of the jabs to his head to escape any fractures of his facial bones.

"Luckily he has no fractures to the jaw, maxilla or orbital areas. Your partner must be one hell of a defensive fighter"

The doctor's words had Hutch seeing Ryan's fists plowing into his friend's head and face. His own fists clenched in that automatic response whenever rage coursed through his veins.

Blood loss had led to shock but he had been transfused with many bags of fluid now and his blood volume and pressure had stabilized.

There was concern now about pneumonia as he lain flat for so long with poor chest expansion and in wet conditions.

His arm and hand that he had been lying on for several hours as far as medically ascertainable had no permanent damage but until he regained consciousness and could be tested for nerve damage that was still not certain.

As the firm almost rhythmic patter of the medical jargon flowed out from the doctor's mouth and each new aspect of Starsky's condition was tabled, Hutch felt sicker and sicker. Riley stood beside him with his hand again on his shoulder as the doctor warned of unforeseeable deterioration, surgical complications and risk of infection and pneumonia.

Hutch looked up at the young rookie with gratitude. Dobey was there too as he always was, but something about this young man's perseverance to stick with him in the past forty eight hours was filling him with new strength and hope.

How strange to feel Riley's firm touch on his shoulder – where normally it would be his partner's hand, Starsky's touch that would carry him through difficult times like this.

But Starsky couldn't be here for him now.

"And so" the surgeon took a big tired breath in and concluded " All in all your partner's body has suffered significant damage, but he's on the good side of the fence right now and we can only hope that he continues to stabilize and improve over the next few days. As is always the case with trauma like this, it is the first twenty four hours after surgery that are the ones that we hope are event free so that his body gets a chance to start to heal itself. It takes a hell of a lot of energy for the human body to bounce back from trauma like this, a hell of a lot but Detective Starsky is young and strong and that gives him a good head start."

"You know Doctor, you know that I will want to see him- just to – to make sure for myself –"

"Of course I can understand that Detective, but please remember – and I have seen your partners medical chart – I know that you two are no strangers to this big white hotel we run here "

He smiled now,

"But this is a little different to his other visits here. You must realize we need to give him space and time to recover. So, even though I will let you and your captain see him there will be a limit on other visitors. I understand you are his closet kin, if I may put it like that?"

"Yeah that's about the size of it. He has family in New York and we will contact them now that we have some good news. You can be sure that I won't allow anyone else near him until you give me the go ahead. " Hutch looked now at his captain and Dobey knew immediately what Hutch was telling him with his unspoken look.

_Ryan won't be coming near him._

_And I want you to keep those goons in IA way as long as possible too._

"Alright then we understand each other. " The Doctor finished.

He stood now. " He will be in recovery for another thirty minutes or so and then moved to an Intensive Care bed. You can have ten minutes and then I suggest you come back in a few hours. He will be completely out of it for at least four to five hours, maybe longer."

The weary surgeon walked off, pulling his scrubs off as he headed for the staff doors.

Hutch turned and allowed himself his first real smile in days when then he became aware of some new arrivals in the corner.

After having been the only people in the waiting area for the past hours, another small group now had huddled together. Drawn faces and tears. Waiting for news of their loved one. As he had waited himself. He felt almost guilty now that the smile had come so readily to his face, almost guilty that he had the gift of hope to clutch to him now, the other people still waiting for their gift – if in fact it came at all. This waiting area would have seen so many gifts snatched away as loss swept through the big double swooshing doors of the OR.

But he had his gift and he held it tightly and selfishly to himself now and forced himself to turn away from the despair on the faces in the corner.

Dobey patted him on the back and Hutch reciprocated feeling a rush of affection for his big gruff black captain. Tough but fair, hard but always considerate of his men. A good captain even if just recently Hutch had felt frustrated with his allegiance to Dobson.

In a rush of relieved euphoria Hutch then caught the young Riley up in a back thumping embrace.

"We made it Riley! We got through the worst feeling of all."

Riley was so happy for this man, so very happy for him.

But as he felt the tall man's arms wrap about him in a brotherly embrace, he pushed down the tears of the memories that this whole situation was provoking in him.

He only wished that his own brother could have made it too.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

His first impressions of the recovery room when the doors were held open for him and Dobey to be ushered in, was that in comparison to the waiting area's vacuum of silence and emptiness, this place was a hive of activity. Everywhere was purpose and movement and structured but busy order. White uniformed nurses and surgeons in bloody scrubs, harried young resident doctors with bloodshot eyes from back to back shifts, orderlies shifting patients from one narrow trolley to another. All of them focused and concentrating.

None of them seeming to even notice the two anxious looking men that just stepped into their world.

Small bays with partitioned curtains dotted the large white tiled room, some with their curtains drawn back to reveal patients attached to IV lines and oxygen masks, their bodies flat and melded into the narrow trolleys they lay on.

It was Hutch thought, something like what Starsky had described to him about the Mash units in Vietnam, only the room was all in clinical shades of white and not army greens and khaki.

All these sick and injured people, some of them no doubt struggling for their lives, while beyond the doors he had just walked through was a world where this level of human frailty and mortality was not given thought to.

All of us, he thought, walking around out there, not thinking that at anytime this could be us lying here, this could be me lying here….

_This is my partner lying here._

And there on the furthest recovery trolley in the far corner of the room he caught a flash of chocolate curls and thought his knees would give out.

"You can have only a few minutes here as we have to keep up the observations and monitor him post anesthetic …so just a little while please."

Hutch thought that just a little while was all the time that he may be able to stay upright.

Dobey again was there for him, pressing his big bulk against Hutch's side, his arm around his arm somehow sensing that his Detective needed some support to stay standing.

_Why was it always so hard? Why could he never get used to this?_

How many times had they had to deal with facing each other when they were injured, hurt or threatened? So many times really. But there were degrees of injury, or hurt, of threat and Hutch thought that on a scale of shock value, the sight of his best friend's still and beaten body laying there on that trolley, was right of the Richter scale.

His face was a mass of blue and black and cut flesh. Tracks of fine suture lines criss - crossed his brow and cheeks and his lips were split and swollen. The sheet covered him only from the waist down and his light theatre gown had been pulled away now by the nurse to get better access to the wounds lower on his abdomen. The knife wound.

Hutch wanted to reach out and touch the vivid blue and black welts that had marked the areas where had been kicked repeatedly in the chest. If he could touch all of this hurt, maybe he could absorb some of it from his partner, take it into his own body and relieve his friend of all the wrong that Ryan had done to him. He truly believed that the two of them could do that for each other, so close was their bond. He believed that each of them could take the other's pain and fear and help to contain it, bear it, stop it from overwhelming one of them by sharing its force between the two of them.

Hutch recalled his partner now as he had been only weeks earlier – the strong one who had contained his own agony and pain. Starsky had held him for hours, while he sweated and cramped and vomited, choking on his own need to get more of the poison that had been forcefully pumped into his body by Forrest's men. Starsky had shared his agony, absorbed so much of the ripping, burning hell from the effects of the heroin leaving his body.

His best friend had shared the burden of what could have been his own lonely and terrifying torture. in the end it was the two of them who had fought through the sheer brutality that was withdrawal.

Had that only been weeks ago?

And now his strong, brave and determined partner, who never let Hutch give up, never gave up on him during the days in hell, was lying here in his own hell.

This time it was he who needed Hutch to share his pain.

But he knew better than to reach out and touch a patient's body who had just been wheeled out of surgery, not here where he was permitted entry only by exception.

It would just have to be enough for him now to look and take in the proof that Starsky was here again, safe and alive.

When the recovery nurse tapped him lightly on the arm to signal that his and Dobey's time was up, he was prepared to leave him – for now. He had want he wanted – he had seen the rise and fall of his partner's breath and felt the warmth of his body even in this cold room.

Later, would be his time.

Later he could be with his partner. When he did not have to stand in the middle of this impersonal clinical and sterile zone that assaulted his senses and left him feeling desolate and so far away from his partner who was just inches away.

God how he and Starsky hated hospitals.

_I am so glad to have you here getting the care you need buddy, but I can't wait for us both to be out of this place and to have you well, strong and healed._

As Hutch nodded assent to the nurse and she had moved away, he had to leave behind something. It was just too hard not to reach out and touch him.

Mindful of his injuries and wound, he lifted his hand and threaded his fingers through the dark curls, slipping his hand under the nape of Starsky's neck.

"Have a good sleep buddy – I'll be there when you wake up."

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo**

Hutch was not surprised to find Riley waiting for his when he stepped out of Recovery.

This kid was something else.

Someone who up until two days ago he would never have given a second glance at, never given the time of day. This shy, unassuming young officer would not have come up on his radar.

But circumstances of life had all stacked up and the cards had fallen in a certain direction and now here he was – placed fairly and squarely in his face – a young man that tugged at Hutch's heartstrings. For the life of him he could not even begin to understand why.

This fresh faced, innocent, inexperienced cop somehow spoke to Hutch's paternal side. He saw Riley as a good kid, a kind and thoughtful kid whose slightly nerdy persona, hid an insightful, keenly intuitive and dependable young man.

He had pulled Hutch in. Not too many people did that to him these days. Earlier when he had waited outside the OR he did not want to see or talk to anyone. If someone had approached him he probably would have bitten his or her head off. But when Riley appeared at the lift door, looking for all of the would like he wanted to turn and bolt, the sight of this young man somehow eased a little of his deep despondency. He was surprised to realize that he felt pleasure at the sight of the earnest serious face. The young cop was looking uncertainly at him as he stood awkwardly at the lifts doors.

He walked toward him now.

" He is doing as well as he can Riley. He will be ok, I know it now."

"I am so glad sir, so pleased to hear that he is going to be alright."

"You know what Riley, I think that if we are going to keep meeting like this than you had better stop calling me "Sir". Just leave that for when we are on duty OK? You can call me Hutch if you like, or Ken, but no more 'Sir' alright?"

Riley felt ridiculously happy and embarrassed at the same time.

"Well Sir, I mean ahh Ken – I will call you Ken Sir."

He didn't think it would be appropriate to call him what Starsky called him and yet he was immensely pleased to have been given the offer.

"OK then Riley, I want to be back here within a few hours, but I need a shower and to make some calls to Starsky's family in the east. He has a mother and a brother back home in New York".

Not sure why he would tell Riley that piece of information, but it came out.

"I was waiting to get some positive news before talking to them."

"Hey think you could give one weary Detective a lift home Riley? I rode here in the ambulance early this morning?"

Riley gave "Ken" a huge warm smile.

Hutch stretched out the kinks in his long back.

"Now home for both of us. It has been one hell of a twenty four hours."

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo**

He was waiting again.

This waiting was more bearable.

This waiting was not filling him with sickening anxiety and dread. He was calm now. Quiet and just content to sit and watch his still sleeping partner.

It did not matter to him how long the waiting took, it was just enough for him to be here knowing that when Starsky did wake, the first face he would see, the first stimulus he would receive, would be familiar and safe.

The nurses had told him that the anesthetic should be wearing off by now and that he should be coming to awareness shortly.

It was late afternoon now and he had no intention of going anywhere but here for the rest of the day. He knew there was a lot that he needed to cover back at the station and to put in process the investigation he wanted in place for Ryan and what had gone down in the operation. Internal Affairs would already be sniffing around but he would keep them at bay and away from Starsky as long as he possibly could. He lips pursed when he thought of Simonetti. He wanted him nowhere near his partner until he could be sure that Starsky was ready for it.

After calling Nicky in New York and filling him on his brother he followed up with a long call to Mrs. Starsky. He reassured as best as one can reassure a mother of a cop in times like this – downplaying his own concern for what had gone on and why and dealing only with the positive aspects that surgically Starsky was doing well.

"You are with him Ken and that is the most important thing for me to know"

He left his home and detoured to the only other place that he needed to go before returning to the hospital. He wanted Huggy to hear about Starsky from him because it would be only a matter of time before his friend's tentacles into all that was bad in the city, picked up the news of the stabbing of the undercover cop during the Kalzo bust.

He promised a worried Huggy that he would be able to see Starsky himself as soon as Hutch got the go ahead from the hospital. The three of them were tight and Hutch knew that Hug would want to be there for his favorite curly haired cop friend.

As he was thinking about this he took in the person in question. Those curls, dark and thick were sharply contrasted against the flat white pillow. Hutch tried to concentrate his focus on them now and not the damaged face and body.

How had all of this happened? More than a week ago when he had pleaded with his partner not to go under with Ryan, he understood that he had no real rational reason for doing so - but knew that it had just felt bad, dangerous – even contrived. He imagined in his worst moments that Ryan had masterminded this whole scenario – getting an undercover assignment with his partner and putting them both in a position where no one, where Hutch, could not help his partner.

In the days after Starsky had gone in, he had started to realize that his concerns may have been bordering on paranoid and based loosely on a past event that still to this day made Hutch angry.

And then – the unthinkable happened – or more to the point, the thinkable happened. His worst fears eventuated.

Ryan was bad.

He had always sensed it.

He had certainly feared it when Starsky was put in such a close situation with him.

And now he knew for certain. Ryan had done something very wrong during this case to make it take the course it had.

He aimed to find out.

When he did Hutch knew that Ryan would have to pay for the fact that he was waiting here now.

Waiting beside his partner to wake from surgery.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

"Hey"

"Hey ya'self. What? Wh… Hey? 'Utch? "

"You're waking up from surgery buddy, you're in hospital. It's alright. Its safe here"

"Uh? Can't 'member….what….the case? Un'cover….cover blown 'Utch. 'Utch, I… are we ? Ya' stay 'Utch. Stay willya'?"

"Stupid lug, where else would I go? Of course I'll stay. Now go back to sleep and when you wake next time we can talk some more. You're too tired now Starsk, just sleep. Its safe here."

" 'K 'K 'Utch".

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Next time his partner woke his eyes were a little clearer, even though blood filled and set within the framework of bruising and cuts.

He turned his head slightly even though the pain from one small movement was intense and caught sight of what he could feel. Hutch was sitting beside him and had his arms resting on the bed, waiting for him to become alert enough to see him.

"Well hey again sleeping beauty"

"Yeah…am I? Lookin' beautiful?"

"Well Starsk I guess I am talking about your inner beauty here buddy, because at the moment you sure don't look too pretty from where I'm sitting"

"That bad eh?"

Hutch tried to smile but choked on his own distress, and the realization that even in this terrible time their buddy patter simply make him feel better and so close to this man.

"Yeah Starsk, it's that …..bad." He was serious now. "You want some ice? The nurse said you could have that and later a little water?"

He brought some ice chips to Starsky's dry and swollen mouth.

"Pain? How's your pain. I'll call the nurse if you need more pain relief"

"Na', s'OK Hutch . OK"

"What time is it? What – day?" He was becoming more aware of his surroundings now and righting himself in time and place.

"Its six at night. The - the bust went down early this morning. I – I found you just after the bust. You were in a bad way Starsky – needed surgery, but doc says you should be fine. Just got to make sure we get you coughing and breathing well so those cracked ribs don't end up giving you pneumonia"

He was watching Starsky intently now as he relayed this medical update to him. How much of what had happened could he remember? Was he recalling the event now? Starsky's face betrayed little except his normal wry expression.

"Cracked eh? Was wonderin' why my chest was.." he winced now and Hutch automatically flinched with him. "When woke up thought ya' musta been sittin' on me…ya big blond blintz, hard to breathe."

"I know it is Starsky and that is why when you are more awake we are going to start those breathing exercise ok? Its important – really important."

"Yes Nurse 'Utchinson"

The wry smile. He started to listen to what his body was telling him now as he took stock of how he felt.

"So not too bad eh? Bum shoulder, cracked fingers, cracked ribs, " he gingerly put his hand up to his face "Owww… bunged up face, not so bad eh? Back is sore…. Better add bunged up kidneys ….Jesus!" He went to try to move a little now to put his hand down toward his back and his face contorted.

"Hey easy, easy. Just stay still will you Starsky. You are going to hurt yourself. No, don't push at your wou –" Hutch was restraining his hand now and stopped midsentence, seeing now that Starsky had a fresh look of dawning shock on his face.

"Starsk can you remember anything about what happened to you – how you got this way?"

It was more than obvious that he was doing so right then. The changes in emotion that swept across his face revealed it all. It was more than a beating, he was remembering that it was more than just that, and he was also remembering how it happened and who had done it to him.

Hutch was sure of his assessment of what was going through his partner's head as it all flooded back in.

But what he clearly saw there now on the face that he knew so very well, was that Starsky was trying to think, to make a decision about something. He was obviously struggling because his mind was still thick with the anesthetic drugs, but he was forming in his mind a response to give his partner.

None of this was lost on Hutch. None of it. But he waited for Starsky to speak again.

Hutch was still holding Starsky's hand gently to keep it away from pushing at the knifing wound.

"Knife. Shit – stabbed too. I was stabbed too wasn't I Hutch?"

"Yes buddy that is why you had surgery. That is why you can feel pain in your side and lower back. Your kidneys took a thrashing too but," Hutch gently lifted the sheet to indicate the heavily dressed wound on Starsky's lower abdomen "I think this is where your pain is coming from."

Starsky looked down at the offending area. His bruised eyes screwed shut .

"Oh God…" He eyes stayed as his head fell back against the pillows.

"Starsk, let me get you some more medication. I'll buzz the nurse"

"No Hutch. Makes me too – fuzzy in the head. Just let me think for a while first ok? Just wanna think…"

He looked determined and worried at the same time and the pain was pushed down. There was no sense in arguing with him right now and Hutch didn't want to get him agitated and cause more discomfort for him.

"OK OK…I'll leave it for now but just stay still damn you? You're worrying me with all this wriggling around Gordo. Lie still or I'll restrain you and that is an order."

Back to the safer area of buddy banter. He wanted to try and find out what was eating at Starsky's mind and this approach was good at drawing it out of him without his partner realizing it.

"Always lookin' for chance to use those cuffs ain't ya' Detective? Need a bit of street action do ya'? That desk job got you bored? Wantin' to flash those cuffs around a bit and bang a few heads. Hey… Get those reports done for me?"

"You sure do owe me Starsky. I have the tally in here." He jabbed at his head.

"That's why I want you better quickly, you need to get your ass back at that typewriter and then its payback time."

"Hey ya' said ya'self Hutch…. I'm a medical mess here – no typin' for me for a long time."

"No Starsky, you're wrong, this time its your turn on desk duties and I will get the chance to bust chops out on the street."

Starsky's face went serious again.

"How are ya' Hutch. After….. I had to go in was worried so much 'bout ya' ….when I was under. Couldn't talk to ya', not safe. How ya' feelin'".

"Starsk I'm fine. I'm ok…bit bored with those reports for sure, but feeling ok. I'm a hell of a lot better now I have you in a place where I can keep my eye on you. "

Hutch reached forward now and placed his hand gently on his partner's shoulder and gave him a moist stare with his light blue eyes. His fingers went to Starsky's curls.

"…Was really worried there for a while partner. Worried wouldn't get to you and find you ….on time."

Starsky looked concerned then and he lifted up his hand a little unsteadily.

"Hey I wanna see ya' arm Hutch. Show me ya' arm. I'll know Hutch … I'll know if you really have been ok. "

_Oh Shit! Of course even in a half drug induced state and three quarters dead he remembers to check whether I have been doing my neurotic self-mutilation trick with the needle tracks._

Hutch was not going to buy into this one as he had only just been looking at the chafed reddened flesh earlier when he had showered.

_Well that's what worrying about you does to me buddy. All your fault anyway._

"Oh for Christ Sakes Starsky! You are the one in the hospital bed not me. Try to remember that. You are the one who I just had to scrape up off the filthy laneway with a knife sticking out of you and your body busted up by your….."

He pulled himself up now, short of letting it all out now when he realized that Starsky was looking at him closely now. He was looking at him, as though he was trying to work out something.

_He wants to know what I think happened?_

"Starsky"?

He was careful, had to be careful now, as Starsky was still so very weak and he did not want to risk upsetting him.

"Do you want to talk about it? With me? What happened in the alleyway?"

"Where's Ryan Hutch?"

"He's not here Starsk. Its OK he's not here."

"But…..have….has anyone….talked to him? How – how did you know where to find me Hutch?"

"Ryan told me, when I got to him at the bust. Starsky….."

"Ohh…..OK …..so Ryan told you, told you what…told you that my cover got blown and…."

"Starsky he says that he did it all to buy you time and to help to save you. He said he stabbed you to – keep you alive till I found you.""

Hutch's eyes were boring into his friend's bruised face now and even with the terrible discoloration he could tell that the blood had just drained away from that face.

"Starsky, you don't have to talk about this now. I am sorry. It's too early and it's upsetting for you. I know I shouldn't even be asking you this stuff. But – please just tell me now, please tell me whether Ryan did this to you."

"Yeah…had to Hutch. Ya' already know that, he had to"

"No Starsky, I need to know if he meant for you….can you tell me buddy do you think he did it to save you or to…"

Starsky's eyes dropped away from his partner's fixed gaze and he looked down at the bed.

"Sorry Hutch, pain is gettin' too much for me now. Need somethin'. Can't talk anymore, too hard now. Later."

Hutch had no doubt that his partner was in severe pain as he had been since this conversation first started. But he did doubt the motivations he had in diverting him away from where the conversation was going.

He would not push it any further.

Starsky's mouth was drawn tightly now both as a reaction to the pain coursing through his body and the struggle to keep from Hutch what his partner was determined to find out eventually.

"Sure thing buddy. I will have the nurse in here with some stuff for you in no time. I'll go out now myself and get her."

He knew that they both needed a few moments to themselves. Starsky to regroup when he realized that Hutch suspected Ryan and Hutch to push down the returning anger rising in him again when he saw so clearly on his friend's face – the truth.

Ryan was as guilty as Hutch thought since he heard that he was leading Starsky away from the warehouse by force.

He had suspected it from that moment on and now the look on his friend's face and his refusal to say it – meant that his suspicions were confirmed.

He knew that now.

But what he did not know and did not understand was why Starsky was covering for him.


	16. Chapter 16

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter 16 **

"So today we are going to get out of bed is that right"?

"Far as I can tell you're already out of bed Hutch. Its me here who has to do the hard work and I can tell ya' I'd just rather stay here thanks all the same."

"Starsky you've already given the nurses a hard time this morning about not wanting to do your deep breathing exercises".

"Hey you try breathin' deep with no ribs that work, it hurts too much. When they mend I promise I will breathe deep."

"By then you'll be dead from pneumonia."

"Well then ya' won't have ta worry about it will ya'"

"And then there was the episode with the catheter."

"Hey…now you would not like someone playin' around with lil' Hutchinson would ya'? That thing is not natural…no man should have to have a tube stuck up his best asset. Anyway I let her take it out in the end didn't I? "

"Yeah but not before you howled the ward down and called her some names that you just can't go around calling nurses Starsky."

"But Hutch at least they could have sent me a pretty one. You didn't see her…. it was …..Scary havin' her down in that part of my body. "

Hutch couldn't help himself. He felt the smile breaking out and his accompanying soft chuckle.

He had tried so hard to keep up the firm act with his whining partner who was doing his best four-year-old impersonation. It was one of Starsky's better ploys in an extensive repertoire of diversionary tactics.

"So it seems from all of your griping and whining that you are feeling better today. The pain is tolerable?"

"It takes a lot more than a knife in the guts to keep me down partner you should know that by now"

"Good, then I'll get the nurse and we can get you up on your feet – well that is unless you want to tell me how your pain levels really are and cut the acting."

He folded his arms on his chest and leaned his long lean body against the wall.

"You may as well save your games for the nurses Starsk because this is me you're acting to here remember. I know all your best characters and a lot of their lines."

Starsky sighed wearily.

"Never can fool ya' Hutch. Well go get dragon nurse and let her have her way with me. Might as well get it over with so you can go away and stop nagging' me."

"How about we get some more meds before you try to get up and that will make it a bit easier."

"Hutch I can barely lie flat on this bed I am so wacky from those drugs – let alone try to walk. I'll have them later. I reckon I'll need 'em then."

He tried a small smile now.

"Now go get the Dragon before I change my mind"

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

It had been a grueling twenty minutes for Starsky and a doubling grueling two hours for his partner. That is how long the whole mammoth event seemed for Hutch – every minute of this first mobilization was pure sweat and effort and he wasn't even doing anything! Just standing and holding onto his partner for dear life. He was filled with the constant anxiety that his friend was going to crash to the floor. He worried the entire time and was exhausted from trying to disguise this heightened anxiety.

"Now that is it. Easy, gently. Swing your legs down. Good…now do as the nurse showed you and support your wound. Yes it must be painful I know Starsk, but you can do this, I know you can."

_How on hell is he supposed to manage this movement? Get up while holding his wound? That is too much to expect him to do. What if he pulls the wound apart? Wound? Is that blood? Is that fresh blood I can see? No, well it will be if this nurse doesn't stop pulling at him like that._

"Hey that is great buddy. You're up and you're moving. See of course you could do it. Just another small step. Yes that's right."

_Oh God, he looks terrible. Is he going to be able to do this? Why the hell do they make him get up from that safe bed when he is in such pain? This is barbaric._

"Nurse he is doing great isn't he? It's good that the nurses are encouraging this early movement Starsky. This will speed up your recovery, won't it Nurse?"

_Who the hell is this woman? Nazi nurse, take it easy you old bag. Don't force him. You're pushing him too hard._

"You are doing so well buddy. Great progress for the first time up."

_Look at him he can barely move. This is hopeless. Let him go back to bed and rest. _

"Looking good there partner. Looking strong."

_That is fresh blood on his wound! I'm sure of it. It didn't look like that before. Don't stare at it, you'll just worry Starsky._

_Oh No! I know that look. He is going to be sick. Definitely, he is going to be sick any minute and this stupid cow can't see it. We need to get him back to the bed fast. He needs to be flat. He is going to pass out. _

"Ahh…Detective. Detective Hutchinson? Are you all right? You don't look so well?" Dragon nurse's voice in his ear.

_No - wait. Oh ...Shit! That's me that's going to pass out._

_Oh God I feel sick now, errrrr….can't be sick in front of Starsky, he'll know that I think this is all too much for him. For me. It's all too much for me._

Two pair of eyes on him now and one dark blue set that were suddenly concerned.

"Hutch, Hutch, sit down now. Lie on the floor now."

_Must look cool. Help give Starsky strength._

_Oh God give me strength, I am ….oh no."_

The tall blonde dashed from the room with his hand over his pale face.

He thought he heard

"Do you think we can get a bed for my partner? "

As he skidded out the door.

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo**

"Feeling a bit better now Blondie? You were looking' whiter than ya' hair there before."

Starsky was back in his bed, sitting up a little more than he had been before the walk, in the freshly made up hospital bed. He looked with concern at his still pale partner but could not help a cheeky smile.

He was joking with him now to make him feel a little less self conscious. Hutch was so easily brought to mortification and Starsky either pushed it all the way or brought him back from total embarrassment - depending on his own mood and the situation. Right now he was too tired and sore to do anything more than sympathize with his friend. He had to admit that the small walk had completely exhausted him and he was for ever grateful for the injection that he had just been given. It was just a matter of waiting now for it to do its magic and beat down the fresh waves of pain that assaulted his smashed up body.

"Perhaps you should be the one lying down here Hutch. Never known you to have so much trouble over a little bit of walking before."

"Don't start Starsky. It was just one of those things – I was concentrating too much and standing still too long and –"

"And worryin' too much about me. Makin' ya'self sick over it. I was fine Hutch. I got there. Won't pretend it was easy but I got there. It'll be better next time we try it. But – I'll make sure we do it when you're not here. Don't think the nurses can cope."

"Oh God, sorry Starsk. It just got to me, watching you try to do it, with your pain and your wound…all of a sudden…hopeless aren't I?"

"No I'd be the same if the positions were reversed and you know it".

"Bullshit and you know it. You weren't the same a month ago when you were cleaning up my vomit and wrestling me out of my withdrawal for days on end. Don't remember you not coping – not once did you fade out. You were there for me Starsk every minute of every day...you still are - even now that you're more banged up than I ever was from Forrest."

"Hey you were so out of it for a lot of the time you wouldn't even know." Deadly serious now.

"One of the hardest things I've ever had to do Hutch. Of course there were times I could barely cope. I had Hug to pull me through - we both did. If only you could have seen how hard it was for me to watch you go through what you had to go through..."

Hutch went to him then and held out his hand to his partner. "I wish I could take it all back from you Starsk. Take it all back from us. Fucked us both up so bad. Just getting past it and now this - you. What happened to you. It is all too much."

Starsky wanted to change the look on his partner's face. This conversation was heading down paths that were way too heavy for where they could both afford to be right now. Starsky was getting tired quickly but needed to reel his partner back from this precipice of moroseness.

"So my big brave partner, who can shoot 'em, chase em' down, beat their heads in if he has to, but can't deal with watching his partner try to stand up for the first time after an operation. Ya' just…..ya' just…a big softie Hutch"

Hutch could tell that Starsky was succumbing to the injection.

"Hey, I think while you have a little sleep I 'm going to go in search of some decent coffee and some food. I somehow managed to lose my breakfast."

"Haa haa…look in... bathroom... might find…there"

'"No thanks, was hoping for something fresher to eat."

He didn't imagine Starsky caught the last joke, but it was always important to have the last word on their jokey banter.

Kept them in practice.

Hutch felt that they might need it in the difficult days ahead.

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo**

He felt a hell of a lot better when he came back into the foyer of the hospital than when he had left over an hour ago. Fortified with fresh coffee and food from something other than a hospital vending machine, plus some fresh air, he now felt better able to face the battlefield again.

Hospitals! The smells, the sights and the atmosphere all permeated the healthy body and mind, overwhelming it and weakening it. His was convinced that the only people who should be in a hospital were the sick and the staff. Relatives and friends were liabilities and he had just proved that so well with his performance in front of Dragon Nurse.

Trouble was his best friend was in this hospital so that automatically meant that he had to be here too . Even if Starsky could get home in the shortest possible time frame which they both wanted, there was no guarantee that either one of them wouldn't end back up here again a short way down the track.

That was the risks and the nature of a street cop's life.

So he thought as he pressed the lift to take him aback up to Starsky's floor, he'd damn well better get used to hospitals.

Didn't mean though he would ever get used to seeing his partner in pain or suffering.

Which brought him right back to Ryan Lancaster.

The person he saw as he exited the lift had him sucking in his breath.

_Simonetti._

_Bastard IA guys were on the prowl already._

He was standing near the nurse's station.

Hutch picked up his pace and closed the gap between himself and MR Internal Affairs - a man whom he and Starsky were never happy to see. He was in Simonetti's face and had him by his arm.

"I wondered what I could smell when I was coming up that lift well? It's just as well as I cut my lunch break short Simonetti because then I wouldn't be here to tell you that you took the wrong door when you entered this hospital. That's unless of course you are here visiting your sick grandma."

"Very funny as always Hutchinson – even without your sidekick. You know very well that I'm here to see Starsky."

"Well sorry to disappoint you Simonetti but he is not in the mood for visitors of your type. In fact he is not accepting visitors period. So gee, shucks, you've made a wasted trip down here."

"Hutchinson I _am_ seeing your partner. We need a report from him on the Kalzo case."

"I'm sure you do Simonetti. And you will get your report, but not yet. You'll get it when I say you can get it. I repeat, my partner is not up for visitors right now. You may not have heard but he had a bad run in with his undercover partner and is not feeling too well as a result of it. I suggest therefore Simonetti that you take your recorder and your little pad and pencil and go find Detective Lancaster."

He sneered into the IA man's face.

"I am sure he will have a story to tell you and when he does perhaps we can all hear it."

"You're a bit behind Hutchinson. While you have been down here nurse -maiding and guarding your partner from visits from we bad guys as you like to think of us, I have already secured Lancaster's report. It is already on file."

As he spoke he looked up and into the near distance. The skin on Hutch's neck prickled as he followed the man's gaze toward the waiting area. He could not believe it.

"What the fuck?"

Losing interest in Simonetti he shoved his arm away and walked slowly and menacingly toward Ryan.

"What part about me telling you to keep out of here don't you understand Ryan? Perhaps those head jabs Starsky got in really fouled up your memory. I will have to tell you again very slowly. I ….want….you…..out …..of…..here. Do you understand me this time?"

"I have as much right to see Starsky as you do Hutchinson. He was my partner too don't forget."

"Ryan, I hardly think that I am going to forget that. You've made damn sure of that. Every time I see the scar on his skin I will make sure to remember who put it there and how."

"Fucking stop with this Hutch! I have told you and I have told everyone, I had no choice. I HAD NO CHOICE! If I didn't take him down like I did he would be dead for sure. Kalzo would have wasted no time in putting a bullet in his head. The cop in our precinct went down with one to his chest and they didn't even know he was a cop. Just got in Kalzo's way and messed up one of the deals. I left Starsky alive and I left him alive knowing you would get to him. I even walked out openly with a gun on him so that the boys on stake out could follow up and get him quickly. Its not my fucking fault if the captains didn't follow through with the trail."

"Then Ryan I will be keen to know the assessment of your IA report when it is finalized. There needs to be a lot of questions answered because there are too many loose ends in your story."

Ryan exchanged looks with Simonetti.

"We have already finalized Lancaster's report and it has been through adjudication – Lancaster is in the clear on the Kalzo case and incident with Detective Starsky."

Hutch's face turned a livid red and he jabbed his finger violently into Simonetti's chest.

"Tell me you are fucking with me on this Simonetti. You can't be serious! This asshole beat my partner to within inches of his life , stabbed him and left him die in some Godforsaken rat infested hole, did not attempt to contact us to let us know where he had left him and in what state, and you are telling me he is in the all CLEAR?"

"Hutchinson keep your voice down here – we don't want half the hospital to know about departmental business. We can resume this discussion back down at headquarters."

"I am not interested in resuming anything with either of you two dickheads. And by the way why are you two here together? Are you here to hold hands or did you think you would get into Starsky and have a two-man front to get his report? Hardly what I 'd call objective Simonetti."

"Think what you want Hutchinson. I came here to secure Detective Starsky's report on the Kalzo case incident. Lancaster was already here. He was prepared to wait for me to go in and get the report first."

Hutch whirled again toward Ryan. He had been gone for an hour. Had Ryan gotten into see Starsky?

"You….went….?

"No. The nurse said he was asleep after medication so I was waiting a while. That's when Simonetti turned up."

Hutch felt the relief.

Simonetti moved back toward the nurse's station.

"I am going to check again with the staff about whether he is still asleep"

"So Hutchinson. Do you seriously think that you can stand guard and keep everyone out of Starsky's room but yourself? You have got to realize that IA will interview Starsky and I will see him eventually. I have done nothing but feel sick since what I had to do in that alley."

He moved so close to Hutch that he could feel his breath on his face and see the black irises of his narrowed eyes.

" He is my friend. I care for him just as you do. I am also sure that he will want to see me too."

"You will never know how to be Starsky's friend you creep. If he wants to see you I will not stand in your way. But remember even if he does want to see you Ryan that I will be watching you, every step of the way, because I don't trust you. It is as simple as that."

"Ok then. I'll leave here now, but you have to know I will see Starsky and that you won't stop me. You are not the only person in his life and you do not own him. Starsk and me, we were getting real close while we were undercover. Spending all those days and nights crammed together in that small room at the warehouse. You know how it is with partners don't you Hutch? You know how close they can get?"

Hutch wanted to take him down there and then.

In his mind his fists were pulverizing Ryan's already bruised face.

He was moving closer almost unconsciously, pushing his chest closer to Ryan's. He had to steel himself to keep his hands by his side.

If he let his aggression out now on Ryan when the IA suit was just feet away, what chance did he have to stay operational and not get a suspension slapped on him.

A thought occurred to him now and he narrowed his eyes at Ryan.

"Don't you fucking dare play with me Ryan. If you are trying to provoke me it will not work. I will not give you the satisfaction. I want to be around for a long while to be in your face and watch my partner's back. I'm going no where."

Simonetti was out of earshot as Ryan leaned in again.

"Oh, I'm not playing with you. I'm deadly serious about everything I say about your partner. Everything Hutch. And provoking you? Poor bastard, you don't even know what the word means if you think _this_ is provocation."

He walked away with the arrogance in fall display.

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo**

Hutch pushed the door opened carefully and quietly.

Starsky was awake and looking at him.

"Send him in Hutch. Send in Simonetti and let me get this over with now."

"What?"

"You heard me. I know he's out there, the nurse came in to check on me before but I had already heard the two of you out there going at it hammer and tongs. I know you don't want him in here Hutch, but its true, he has the right and many times we have interviewed people in worse shape than I am in at the moment. You can't stop it. Can't stop him. Just…"

He looked so worn down.

"I just didn't think you'd be up to it yet. He says that he has done Ryan's report already. Already run it by adjudication if you can for one moment believe that shit. In what less than six, seven hours? Total crap. They've cleared him Starsky. They've cleared Ryan of any charges against what he did to you. He has them convinced that he acted in accordance with the line of duty and due care. "

Hutch rammed his fist into the bottom of the unyielding mattress and then did it again for good measure.

"Send him in Hutch."

"Starsky we need to talk about this. I can't bring Simonetti in here yet when you haven't even talked to me about what happened to you. I don't want you to go through all that just yet."

Starsky looked at him now and Hutch felt his stomach sink. There was no fight in his partner's eyes. None at all.

"There is nothing to talk about Hutch. It all went down as Ryan said – whatever he said – in his report. There is nothing for me to talk to you about except to say it was not a good ending to an undercover assignment. I've had better."

He gave Hutch a sad smile.

"Do you hear what you just said Starsky? You just said 'it all went down as Ryan said it did' and you don't even know yet what he said. You are saying Starsky that no matter what, you are going to sign off on that asshole's story. You are going to let him walk after what he did to you!"

"He just did what he had to do"

"He nearly killed you for fucking crying out loud. Listen to yourself! I will not let you do this to yourself. Why are you doing this Starsky?"

"Hutch there is nothing you can do. I can tell you only what I'm telling ya'. My cover was blown, he made it look like he took me out. End of story."

"Then why did you fight him so hard? Why did you leave him black and blue and bleeding? It looked to me buddy like you were fighting to stay alive not to pretend to die – much easier on yourself and him if you had just rolled over after a couple of blows."

"Not what a cop would do Hutch. Had to look like a cop fighting a runner not a cop fighting his partner. They would have made Ryan too if I had done that. Nick would have spilled the beans."

"Why didn't he let us know where you were straight away? I could have got to you hours before I did."

Starsky just shrugged.

"No time. No opportunity. Nick was shadowing him."

"Who made you then Starsky? Who blew your cover and when?"

Starsky nearly faltered. A missing link in his chain. This part he couldn't explain along with the memory of the eyes black and dark as fists rammed into Starsky's gut over and over and Ryan's hot breath and whispered words as he slid the knife in.

_Were those memories real?_

_He didn't even know._

Pain and trauma, anesthetic and drugs…. it was all a blur and all like a nightmare. He didn't have the strength or the courage to even look at it. And beyond those blurred memories were the memories of that same day. The bar, the bathroom…..Ryan on top of him. Ryan pushing and thrusting against him. Ryan's hands on his ...No, no he could not go back to that point.

Starsky pushed it all down now. Pushed it deeper and deeper inside him.

Take one bit out and look at it, even just one bit, and then he would be forced to let it all unravel. Unraveling a nightmare.

Too frightening. Too hard now when all he wanted to do was sleep and forget it all. Get better and go home. Go home to safety and to work where people acted like he expected them to act. Where his partner made him feel safe and not fearful. Where his best friend was always there waiting to support him.

Where he didn't have to confront all that had happened to him in the last days and try to understand what it had done to break a part of him that he never even knew could be broken.

He looked at Hutch now with the saddest and deepest blue eyes. Hutch saw it all then. The fear, the weariness of battling with it and the resignation when Starsky had chosen the easiest path. His eyes were telling his friend now.

_Don't – please don't ask anymore of me now. I can't do this._

His words were simple.

"Hutch. All I want is to get better and to come home. Put this behind me and come home. Help me now to do that won't ya"? Please."

Hutch who had paced in agitation around the room had stopped. At Starsky's imploring face he came to his side quickly and put his hand on his friend's shoulder, held it firmly. The two sets of blue eyes understood each other completely. Hutch knew what he had to do for Starsky.

"OK Starsky. It's OK. I'll leave you with Simonetti. You can give him your report. Do whatever you think is best. I will be fine with whatever decision you make. "

He walked out of the room.

Hutch would support his partner to take the easy road. To make it easier for him.

It did not mean however that he had to take it also.

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo**


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Ryan had waited none too patiently for this opportunity.

When he got the call from the sweet young office girl who manned the reception desk in the Metro precinct he wasted no time. A few winks and a stray compliment with the hint of a possible date could buy you good information, especially when you had Ryan's looks and presence.

_Stupid bitch._ Women tended to make Ryan sick. So easily led by their vanity and whimsical dreams of romance, he was disparaging of them as a collective whole. But they did have their uses and he had no qualms about using his deceptively heterosexual wiles to woo them when it suited him.

Like now. Thanks to the little brunette he now knew that the coast was clear for him to pay the much-anticipated visit to Starsky. Hutch had apparently just arrived at the precinct about half and hour ago and was, according to his source ensconced in a meeting with his Captain.

Ryan had begun to wonder whether he was ever going to leave his self appointed vigil of his partner in the hospital.

The image of Starsky's body was foremost in his mind as he stood up from his desk and prepared to leave for the hospital.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

Hutch stormed into Dobey's office and slapped the manila file down on the big man's desk.

"It's all in there – in fucking black and white. It's there and Simonetti and his cronies have chosen to not even consider it! What sort of crackpot organization is that department running? We have to get Ryan's report back on the table and soon!"

Dobey took a long breath, pushing his considerable girth back into a chair that barely contained him and pushed his pencil behind his ear. He looked at the explosive face of his blond detective and pursed his lips.

"Ok I'll bite – what is this all about?" He eyed the file that Hutch had slapped down, where it had skidded to a halt near his meaty hand. He could guess – Hutchinson was back in full force mode and on the warpath. He had read the perp's statements. His captain knew his men well and he prided himself on knowing Starsky and Hutchinson very well indeed. If Hutchinson hadn't been so busy with watching over his partner in hospital he might have in fact have been having this conversation earlier than now.

It had only been a matter of time .

"Oh – Nick Calbrini's statement"

"Yes Nick Calbrini's statement, the statement I should have fucking been here to get from him but instead the duty officer filed it and no action was taken on it, correction - has been taken on it since it was recorded nearly three days ago!"

"You're wrong Hutchinson – yes, hell it was a busy day with all the perps we brought in from that bust but I went through Kalzo and Kalzo' main men's statements personally and they were all tabled with Dobson, Simonetti and two other IA officers."

"Then why in hell do we have a clear statement saying that Calbrini , and the other guy, Luke – the ones at the bar with Starsky and Ryan on the day before the bust – never knew that Starsky was a cop till RYAN told them?"

Hutch was practically scarlet and had smashed his fist so hard into the desk that Dobey feared for its ability to remain standing.

"Because Hutchinson no one is going to take the word of a two bit cocaine addict, street runner like Nick over a highly credited Detective Sargent - it is as simple as that. There is no other proof, just the word of two scumbags who had nothing to lose in lying to make the undercover cop who ruined it for them look bad. "

The small speech had covered his forehead in a film of sweat.

Hutch fell into the chair and scrubbed his hands down his face.

"Their reports concur. Exactly! We know that Starsky left that bar earlier then they did and alone. According to them it was after Starsky had attacked Ryan in the john and Ryan made out it was because he had made Starsky while he was on the phone to us. They said clearly that Ryan was the one who made Starsky, not them! They had no idea until then."

He stood now and paced, his agitation increasing.

" They both say that Ryan had a busted lip and that Starsky was also disheveled and shaky – like they had been fighting Captain! They had been fighting together in the john – something was going down then and that is why Starsk left without Ryan. Ryan then told the goons that Starsky was a cop. He wanted Starsky out of the way. That is so freakin' obvious!"

"It is still just the word of two crims against a detective. Ryan says that Starsky left early because he was drunk and not feeling well. If you read the report, the two men state the same thing – that "Dave" told them that exactly."

"Of course he damn well did, he was trying to get away from Ryan to figure out what to do. The bust was only literally hours away. It would have put him in a terrible position."

"How could IA not consider any of this – I thought Ryan's report went through adjudication?"

"It did."

"Any in that short time from his report, to him signing it to adjudication, all of these statements were tabled in the whole process?"

"I believe so yes."

"Oh for Christ sake! I should have been here when these statements came in – I should have been the one slamming their fucking heads into the interrogation wall! There would damn well have been some action then. But you have put me on fucking desk duty Captain. You have got my hands tied here and I can't help my partner with my hands tied."

He glared at Dobey with a challenge in his overly bright blue eyes.

"Well Sir. I respectfully request as of now that you consider that I may be fit for normal duties? "

He leaned across the desk with the anger in him still vibrating.

"That is not a request I won't be denied the request Captain. I need to be free to work this all out understand"?

Dobey looked at his detective now with kindness and concern.

"Hutch, consider the facts. Fact one even you, invincible though the two of you hotshots like to think you are can't be in two places at the same time. Down here in interrogation, hours of hard slug and then more hours of report writing means hours you would not have been where you wanted to be when you brought Starsky in from that alley. I know you guys, you just can't not be there for each other when either of you are in trouble.

Dobey could see that he had won a point as Hutch just sighed and twisted his hands.

Dobey went on.

"Fact two. Lets say you had been the one to nail those guys in interrogation and to get their statements. I can tell you after all the years I have been in this game, that no matter how much you shoved the transcripts under IA's noses, that without any other supporting evidence the word of Kalzo's men against Lancaster's would have led to exactly the same outcome that it has."

The big Captain stood now and came around to his detective.

"Hutch if it is any consolation to you, I feel something is far from right here too. Something about Lancaster just leaves me uneasy. But Starsky himself has given the same story as Lancaster. There is no point in pushing this further. As far as IA are concerned there really aren't any concerns. A cop in the line of duty of a risky and dangerous undercover assignment injured another cop. Both men support the chain of events as outlined by them in their independently recorded statements. So what if the thugs they were nailing didn't agree with some of the events? It means nothing to IA. Maybe to you but not to them."

Hutch stood now, still full of rage but less sure of what he could do with it.

Starsky himself was batting against him and that is what worried him the most.

He stalked to the door.

"Hutchinson!"

He turned back to Dobey.

"Take my advice. You will not take on IA and win easily. None of us mere mortal cops ever do. They have favored Ryan for whatever reason so you might as well give up now".

"Captain. I am still back on normal duties. I will leave the paperwork for you to sign off on before I leave."

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

He left his own precinct and made the short trip over to the hospital letting his own unit know that he would be gone for a while.

During the lift ride up to Starsky's floor he was running ploys through his head on how he might best gain access to his room. He had no doubt that the blond detective would have alerted the nurses by advising no visitors.

But even then, Ryan did not really anticipate a real problem. They were mainly female nurses on duty anyway he smirked to himself. A big good-looking cop was always hard to argue with, especially when it was a dumb female at the other end of the argument.

A flash of his badge, some serious words and a sincere look should do the trick. If for some reason that failed then he could always layer on just a little charm. Catching his reflection in the lift mirror and pushing his heavy curtain of black hair from his forehead, he knew that this face and body was a ticket to open many doors for him.

Ryan's looks and seductive personality beguiled both sexes and had always afforded him the ability to move through life smoothly in professional and personal circles. It was rare that Detective Lancaster did not get what he wanted or wasn't coveted by others as a friend or associate.

Ryan never failed in his pursuit of having other to succumb to his charms and power…except with the one person he most wanted – David Michael Starsky, and the man who from day one had stood in his way of having Starsky – his partner Kenneth Hutchinson.

He knew that at least he had stood a chance with Starsky for the other man had always seemed happy enough to befriend him, and with time he had always dreamed that he would eventually get Starsky to feel differently about him. But Hutchinson, who seemed almost immune to his charms from the very start even as far back as their Academy days, had now made it impossible to advance his relationship with Starsky.

Hutch was like a force field around the one man Ryan had always been determined to have.

The tight bond between the two partners was seemingly unshakeable and until he had gone undercover with Starsky, Ryan had no real appreciation of the strength of that bond.

The only weakness in the unit was the allegiance that each man had for the other. The impenetrable barrier of Hutch's wall around Starsky had only one way through it - Starsky's total devotion to him. To get to Starsky he had only to threaten Hutchinson.

Ryan intended to get through that wall.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

He could feel immediately that Starsky was asleep. That was the best scenario he could have hoped for. He carefully let the door close and entered the room. The blinds were pulled down to cut out the late morning light and the room was so quiet that Ryan could hear the breathing of the man on the bed. It was labored breathing and he supposed that was to be expected with a compromised chest after the beating.

Ryan had not seen the result of his work and even now knowing that the swelling would have begun to abate, he was quietly shocked at the extent of his victim's bruising and lacerations. His body was only half covered with a sheet and his chest was bare. Ryan's mind flashed back to the feel and sound of the impact of his boot into that chest and the give of bones when he eventually cracked them with his repeated force.

When his eyes caught the top of the bandage where the knife wound was surgically repaired, Ryan couldn't resist carefully lifting the sheet to look more closely at it.

He could feel again Starsky lying limp and shaking in his own bloody hands as he pulled him tightly too him and whispered his final words to the man who had refused to love him. As he plunged the knife into the firm flesh he had felt that almost orgasmic rush. Starsky's body had bucked once under the thrust and shuddered violently.

It was for Ryan the sweetest moment he had ever shared with anyone. Sweet, violent and powerful – as close to the level of excitement he might ever have hoped to achieve with Starsky, but never had the chance.

That moment had been a goodbye one for Ryan. He had never truly expected this man to survive the ordeal and the injuries he had sustained during the battle in the alley. When he walked away from the slain man he never considered that he would have lived long enough for Hutch to find him.

He was sad and disappointed that he had never fulfilled his needs to take Starsky as a lover, and he may have been prepared to wait and keep trying with him. But Ryan was not a patient man and he was not used to being spurned. He had considered that having had the perfect set up situation where he was alone with Starsky in close confines and away from Hutchinson, that he would have eventually seduced the curly haired cop. Ryan had always assumed that the two men must have always been lovers even back in the academy, and so when he found the opportunity to move closer to Starsky he felt confident enough in his own sexual prowess to be able to take Starsky from Hutchinson for himself.

He had not counted however on Starsky and Hutchison's total exclusivity.

Starsky remained unavailable and professed disinterest in him. That was a foreign feeling for someone like Ryan who had never had to try very hard to attract another's attention or devotion, whether it be professional, personal or sexual.

He had opened himself up to Starsky and other man had thrown back the offer of his advances. Rejection was a dangerous state. For the first time it placed Ryan in a position of personal and professional vulnerability.

Taking lovers was never a real threat as long as both parties saw the importance of discretion and deception. He had even had lovers in the force - other cop. Not many because of the danger it posed to his career but a few. But Starsky had rejected him. He had shown Starsky what he was and what he wanted and the other man had said no. A one sided situation was now in play. Starsky now had the upper hand and he did not look like he was going to change his mind about Ryan.

It was not a hard decision to move to the next logical step.

To blow Starsky's cover and let Kalzo's men take care of the one sided situation.

Plans usually went the way Ryan intended for them to go.

These plans hadn't.

The positioning of the knife wound had been a calculated move by Ryan. He knew enough about mortality and morbidity of street fighting to know how to stab or shoot a man to either maim or kill. In order to cover his ass with the inevitable heat that would follow this turn of events with the undercover operation, Ryan had to make it look like he had stabbed Starsky only with the intent to maim.

The treating surgeon's report that had been taken into consideration by the IA assessment had supported Ryan's story that he had stabbed Starsky in such a way that he would not have died quickly from the injury. If he had fatally stabbed him the time of death would have not gelled with his story that he was trying to buy his partner time.

But in the final hour, Ryan's estimation of Starsky was wrong.

Starsky was still alive when his partner got to him.

Ryan appraised the man as a whole now. Perhaps he should have known that he wouldn't have died. This man's determination and virility had been what had drawn him in to Starsky right from the early days. Even battered and marred by imperfections brought on by his own hands, this body stirred him – probably even more so now. Starsky's strength and street toughness was all the more accentuated by the damage that had been done to him. He saw the curly haired cop as a warrior, a fallen warrior. His inner strength and raw sexuality were even more highlighted by his battle scars.

Ever since he had walked off having whispered those final words, he had asked himself what he had really wanted from all of this and why. When he had pushed the knife it up to its hilt and felt the blood rush into his groin, he had that taste of what he could have had with the man in his arms. The want and longing for this man was still pulsing through him even then.

For the past days Ryan had been looking inside of himself. Had a part of him tempted fate and hoped that there was a slim chance that Starsky would live? Did this man mean more to him than he realized, on a level that was beyond pure lust and sexual hunger? In his life he had never experienced such a cerebral state of attraction, but then he had never wanted anyone quite like he had wanted Starsky. From the first day he laid eyes on him in the hall after intake interviews in the Police Academy.

Closer now, daring to move in much closer, he drew his hand softly down the arm closest to him, its olive skin and dark hair beckoning his fingers.

Within seconds he could feel his erection forming and his heartbeat picking up. He stroked the arm harder now while drinking in the bruised lips and shadowed jaw.

Blue eyes were suddenly wide and momentarily confused. He knew when Starsky recognized him and saw the shock, the flinch and the quick look of fear.

Starsky's eyes quickly lost their fear and filled with a look of revulsion.

"What are ya' doin' Ryan? Get ya' hands off me."

Ryan slowly withdrew his hand from Starsky's arm. He let it linger a little more at Starsky's wrist before pulling it away entirely.

"Hey c'mon partner. It's me. I know it's hard after what has happened but Thank God you are safe now and alright. I've been so worried about you Starsky. It was such a hard time for both of us, what I had to do you know. It's…. been so hard for me….feeling so guilty about trying to hold my cover so the bust could go down. "

Starsky said nothing.

Ryan continued, trying to gauge the other man's eyes. But he could not read Starsky, never could.

"After it happened and it all went down, I got them to get right to you. Hutch of course – well I told him where you were. Thank God my plan worked and you hung in there partner, till the help arrived. It was good that I got away with using the knife rather than letting Nick shoot you. So close man, it was so close."

Still nothing.

"One of the hardest undercovers I've ever had to do. Never been in a position like that before – having to, having pretend to take my partner out to save the whole op and both our lives."

"So Ryan, this is the story you gave Simonetti and his boys?"

"Well yeah, Starsk, sure it is. The report reflected what went down, what bad shit had to happen for me to try to keep us both alive and the bust to go on as planned."

"It's all in my report Starsky and Simonetti passed it through adjudication.

It is all cleared. "

"Yeah I heard"

"So, ah, Simonetti …suppose he has been around here already. Know what the IA guys are like. They will want your side of the story even if you're still in hospital."

"I 'm sure ya' already know that I've spoken with Simonetti yesterday. So what's it you want to know Ryan? You're sniffing 'round here because you wanna check my story is not gonna mess yours up?"

"Starsky for God's sake I have come here to see how you are! Maybe you don't realize what your partner is like. He hasn't let me in to see you. I have been here already but he's guarding your door like a fucking Doberman. Wouldn't even let IA in here yesterday. He really comes on too strong with this law unto himself bit don't you think?"

"He's my partner. His job is to watch out for me. Don't ya' dare stand there and say that shit about my partner. "

"Well he damn well goes above and beyond the call of duty. "

" Cut the crap will ya' Ryan, but you're hardly a good judge of what a good partner is and isn't. "

"You blame me for this too don't you? Like Hutchinson. You were there. You knew what went down, the corner I was pushed into. Yet you still blame me."

The man in the bed just watched the taller man standing over him but once more said nothing.

"Tell me then Starsky, if our positions had been reversed and it was me who was made and you were given the order to take me out, what you would have done. That little weasel Nick was breathing down my neck – he was frothing for the kill Starsky. High on coke and he wanted another notch for Uncle Kalzo. It was either my knife or his gun and I don't think he would have left you breathing like I did. I got us both out alive in the end and the whole operation went through successfully as planned. It wasn't easy for me you know to have to do what I did."

"There is more to the story Ryan than just the events. " Starsky's blue eyes were penetrative now.

"And what is that supposed to fucking mean hey? Cryptic bullshit. It went down like it did. You were there, I was there, events played out just as we both remember. It was a freaking close call for both of us but we got through. Just because you are the one who had to take the fall doesn't mean it was any easier for me."

"I remember more that just what happened in that alley Ryan. I remember the way you played it and what you said – when you put your filthy knife in my guts. I won't forgot those words or your face Ryan no matter what the events were in the report."

Ryan face flashed with a myriad of expressions each one skittering across his features as he assimilated Starsky's words.

He was incredulous, shocked, momentarily fearful and most lastingly, angry.

"Well seems like the drugs you are getting fed here are playing havoc with your mind Starsky. Either that or your dreams are mixing up your memory. You had a traumatic time in that alley; it was damn traumatic for both of us. Its no wonder you are getting it all distorted."

"I'm getting nothing distorted Ryan. Just want you to know that I remember. I also remember what happened just before you and Nick took me to that alley. "

Starsky paused here and struggled a little over the words.

"What – what you tried to do to me in that john at the bar. That was no dream Ryan."

"No it wasn't Starsky. I will not deny what I felt for you, feel for you still. But you have made it clear you want nothing to do with me in that way. So don't go trying to use all of that against me now by blurring the facts of what went on after you were made. Is that what you are doing here Starsky? Threatening to expose my preference for men by twisting up the story of what I did to you."

Starsky was tiring now and Ryan's constant push and intensity was wearing him down. He tried harder to concentrate, but fatigue, pain and medication were all a barrier to him dealing with this wall of persistence that was Ryan.

He sighed heavily now.

"Look I am tired and you are really fucking with my head here Ryan. What you did at the bar, has nothing to do with my recollection of what you did in the alley and don't try to make out I'm bein' a bigot here. It's you – you're the one twistin' stuff."

He closed his eyes briefly now as fatigue and pain washed over him.

"I know what I know and that's all there is. I'll always know it Ryan and you can't change my mind on any of that. The report is done. Our stories match. But apart from that I want you out of my life and out of Hutch's face. "

A grimace now as pain shot through him.

"Most of all Ryan, right now I want you out of this room."

"Simonetti will want you to sign off on your report"

"Yeah?"

"I just don't want you to use my homosexuality against me"

"Oh Christ ….I am not usin' anythin' against you. Now go will ya'?"

Ryan did the opposite.

He moved in as close as he could get to the bed and touched his hand lightly to the bandaged wound.

"I hated that I had to do this to partner – to pierce your body like that" He increased the pressure on the wound, but only slightly and left his hand there as he stared into Starsky's bewildered eyes.

"You're _not_ my partner Ryan and I remember what you said when you did this to me."

Ryan brought his hand up to toward Starsky's face. The other man's flinch and jerk was pronounced.

"Why are you pulling away from me Starsky? Always pulling away from me? Not good enough for you am I?"

"Ryan just go. You're sick, you really are."

"Yes you're looking so tired Starsk. Need to get some sleep. But hope you don't have any more bad dreams about what happened in that alley".

He was at the door now and the relief that he was finally leaving had Starsky sagging deep into the bed and sliding down the pillows. He could still feel the imprint of Ryan's hand on his bandaged side.

"Oh Starsky…" he turned at the door and gave what Starsky could only describe as a near evil smirk. "I have a feeling that all of this has been too much for Hutchinson. I caught a glimpse of his arm yesterday when he was trying to push Simonetti around."

Starsky sucked in hard and his whole body went rigid.

"Have you noticed how he's always rubbing it when he's stressed. I have. He's got it raw. All flamed up badly. Nervous condition he has there – the subconscious works like that you know. The mind telling his body to try to erase the scars. But he can't – he'll always have those scars. Won't he Starsky?"

Starsky was pulling himself up now – the agony of the sudden movement forgotten as he tried to push to his feet.

"Ryan! You bastard, you fuckin' bastard. What is this shit? "

" Nothing really just telling you from one partner to another that you need to look out for yours. He's still in a bad way you know, already showing that with his volatile moods. Not every one knows why he's like that so not everyone will make exceptions. Me? Hey I know how it must be for him, so I'm cutting him a bit of slack over the way he's crowding my space about you.

But he needs to watch himself. Someone in the department might get the idea that there is a reason Hutch is out of control with his temper and his fists. Those reasons wouldn't go down too well with the department."

"You go anywhere near my partner with threats…. you're one complete and utter screw-up Ryan. You are a fuckin' screw up. You come in here when I am like this, and say that stuff 'bout Hutch and you know I can't even fight ya', ya' freakin pussy!"

"Better lie down there Starsk before you fall down. Just no more bad dreams eh? All those memories of yours about what happened while we were in the job are just dreams. Keep them as dreams and your beloved partner's dirty secrets might just stay as dirty secrets."

Starsky lunged for the glass beside his bed. In his mind he was grounding its broken shards into Ryan's handsome face.

But Ryan was gone.

Starsky let out a deep frustrated roar and hurled the missile as hard as his weakened body would allow him, till it smashed against the door.

It fell short of impacting its target and it shattered and broke to the sound of his own shuddering gasp as the the hot points of acute pain lanced through his lower abdomen.

As he crumpled to his knees, his legs no longer able to support him, his mind was full of Ryan's menacing face and the gauntlet he had just thrown down to Starsky.

It was not now his own memories of what this man had done to him that filled him with dread, but the threat that this man posed for his partner.

This little visit had all been about one thing for Ryan – he had come to buy himself an insurance cover for Starsky's silence.

The insurance was Hutch.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

Hutch slammed out of the squad room, his frustration levels at fever pitch.

He needed to go somewhere, do something, hit someone before he returned to the hospital. The anger in him and the impotency of his ability to move inside this bureaucratic box was making him frighteningly edgy.

In the men's room now he turned on the water in the basin. He pushed up his shirtsleeves and doused his forearms in the cool current, all the while keeping his eyes on the mirror to check for anyone coming in behind him.

The red welts and inflamed skin were calling him to scrub and tear at it even more but he pushed hard against this burning need. Sure he knew that he could achieve some release of emotional pain by giving himself a heightened painful physical sensation. But he also knew that this relief would only short be lived.

_I have to fucking get over this._

_I have to stop this and just get on with my life._

_This was not my fault and I will not let it destroy me anymore._

He had been doing so much better. Had begun to get on top of his self-disgust and his inner craving to obtain something, a state of being that he knew he could never taste again unless he destroyed his entire life. He was getting there for God's Sake. Thanks to the support from his partner he was on track to recovery until Ryan Lancaster came back into his and Starsky's lives and had blown away his painstakingly resurrected security and control.

Now with Starsky in a position where he needed all the support he himself could get and Ryan a black presence in their lives, Hutch was scared that he just might lose the tenuous grip he had held on maintaining the upper hand with his addiction.

How was he supposed to help Starsky if he couldn't keep helping himself?

After the meeting with Dobey where the futility of fighting against Ryan was laid out in bold print, Hutch felt himself sliding down.

Starsky was his lifeline. His rock. His lifeblood.

And now Starsky needed him when for the first time in their lives together Hutch doubted his ability to be there for his partner.

_Oh Christ how I want to rip this skin from my arms. Want to rip away all that this drug has done to me and where it has brought me._

He kept the water running.

If only he could have nailed Ryan against the wall for what he did to Starsky in that alley. For what he did to cause Starsky to fight him in the bar before Ryan took him to the alley. There would be some relief for him. Justice served and that bastard put away, far away from Starsky.

But Ryan had it all sewn up.

In his gut he knew everything that Ryan had said about what went down with the operation - stunk.

But how could he begin to prove any of it? When Starsky wouldn't even begin to tell him anything.

There was something very wrong with this whole scenario and Ryan was at the very middle of it all. Somewhere along the line, during the undercover operation, something had gone really wrong for Ryan to do what he done to Starsky and for Starsky to keep the information to himself.

As deep inside Hutch as the inner burning pain of his withdrawal from the heroin, Hutch thought he knew what that 'something ' was.

As he rolled down the sleeves of his shirt on his still damp arms, and shut off the water, he had reason for the hundredth time in the past week to regret having stayed silent about what he knew about Ryan.

Deep inside him Hutch feared that Starsky had paid the price for that silence.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

He and Starsky had not talked much about what happened that evening in the alleyway. Not since his partner had made it very clear that he wanted the door closed on it and to move forward.

Hutch could see how much it was affecting his friend and had made a decision to let the matter rest between the two of them – for now.

Perhaps when Starsky was stronger and had regained his equilibrium from the beating and the attack he might be in a better place to at least talk about it more with him. But it remained a 'no go' area since his partner had filed his report to Simonetti and Hutch had hoped that he would have found the answers he needed to pin Ryan from other sources.

It was looking now like those sources were dead ends.

He had hit the wall and there was nowhere else to go. The anger for Ryan he felt needed release otherwise it was in danger of eating him up from the inside.

The trip down to the precinct, time spent perusing the files and the meeting with Dobey had taken out a few hours. It was time to to get back and see how his partner was going with his mobilizing and exercises. He just didn't want to go back feeling and looking like he knew he did now.

Like a seething emotional mess.

The last thing Starsky needed was to worry about him and as soon as he walked into the room he would pick up his partner's mood and jump to conclusions about why he was so wired. Given the sight of his arms just a few minutes ago, Hutch knew that his partner would not be far off the mark.

_Shit. Got to get myself calmed down and the "I've got a handle on this" face back in place._

He needed to decompress.

It was too early in the day to hit Huggy's and even if Hug was up and fighting the day after another long night in his bar, he didn't want to spend more time travelling around town.

Before he could even stop to question what motivated him in his next action he was on his way down to the Communication's room. If he was on duty well ….if not, no harm in checking.

He saw his serious, earnest face as soon as he walked into the room.

Hutch stood off to the side near the corner while Riley finished a dispatch call and took down notes. The young officer caught sight of his new friend and waved. A few moments later, after signaling to his fellow officer to take his calls for a few minutes, he made himself over to Hutch.

Hutch reached out his hand and patted him on the shoulder.

"How's it going down here Riley? Keeping you busy?"

"Always Sir – er yes Sir" remembering quickly that this was not the time to try out the use of the Detective's offer to call him "Ken".

"Hey have you got five minutes? Could you spare the time for a quick coffee?"

Riley blushed, looked surprised and happy all at once. "Well I'm overdue for my break, so it should not be a problem sir".

"Good let's grab one down in the cafeteria before I head back to the hospital".

Ten minutes later they we were seated in the farthest corner Hutch could find vacant. He had no desire to be sociable beyond having a few words with Riley. Even as he sat down and placed the coffee between them he didn't know what he was hoping to achieve here, or indeed even say to this young man.

Something had pulled him down to see Riley and so here he was.

As Hutch picked up his coffee he saw Riley's eyes on his arms. He noted that his sleeves were slightly damp where he had hastily pulled them down to cover his wet arms just minutes before.

"Something you want to say to me Riley?"

'No Sir – no Ken, well it's just err – I guess I'm kinda worried about how you seem uptight, yeah real uptight and I notice when you are, like the other day when it was all going down with Detective Starsky, you seem to - well give your arms a real hard time."

He was by now totally beet red and looking away.

He feared that he had said too much and crossed the line too quickly – after the blond detective had only recently invited him to test out a more personal relationship with him.

"Uptight Riley? That's a damn good word to describe it. Yeah I am. Very. Very uptight. And uh, " He looked down at his arms

"You're right about the arms."

_Damn observant kid, had better cover myself on this one fast._

"Unfortunately it's an old habit from when I was a child. Always did 'give my arms a hard time' as you say – rubbing them. Starsky is always on my back about it. Stupid I know, but old habits die hard."

Riley just looking at him with that young serious face. What in hell was it about this kid that made Hutch want to open up his rawness to him? There were was of course not many people he would do so with anyway. There were people who had known him longer of course, thought perhaps that they knew him better. But he would never have gone to any of them anyway. Huggy perhaps, but would he even share his deepest fears about Ryan with him? It was such a difficult fear to articulate and to even try to understand himself.

_Something's not right here Huggy. But its not just what Ryan did to Starsky, it's what he won't tell me that has my guts churning_.

Truth was of course; that there was no one else he opened up to in his circle of friends and acquaintances to the level that he opened up to with Starsky.

No one else.

For so long they had been each other's sole confidante and shelter. If he couldn't talk and share with him than he kept it in until he could. If there was ever a time when he thought disclosure of what was eating him would hurt or put his partner in a difficult position he just didn't share and learned to work through it himself.

This was one of those times.

The young officer was looking at him with compassion and understanding that seemed beyond the years of someone with his life experience.

Hutch spoke almost without thinking.

"There are a lot of things I can't tell you Riley – about the case and about people involved in the case – but…. I think you know something of what went wrong in the Kalzo operation? "

Riley gave a quiet nod. He had been there through every anxious moment with Hutch when Ryan and Calbrini had taken Starsky.

"Starsky won't talk to me Riley. He won't open up about what Ryan and what went on in that alley and – and – that any, other things are yeah, making me pretty uptight. And – I don't why I'm even telling you this …"

The cup was twisted and tilted and Hutch gave the other young man a sad smile.

"I should be back at the hospital, checking on my partner and here I am dragging you down here and – "

"Are you scared that you will hurt Starsky by talking all of this over with him? You say he won't talk to you, but perhaps – ah – you are not talking to him either. Have you told him about your concerns about Detective Lancaster? "

Hutch looked sharply at Riley. What? Then quickly he realized that Riley was referring only to the case and what had gone down. Not about the deeper, darker concerns he held about Ryan.

"Yes but he has just stonewalled me. He says that it's all as Ryan described– what happened on the job. But something's definitely not right - I can feel it and I know it. I've been going over the statements of Kalzo's men this morning. That's why I'm in here. It all stinks like shit Riley, but I can't move on it in any direction. Now I have to go back and face Starsky knowing for sure that he is holding back and I want to push him to know why and, well ….I can't do that "

"So what is making him not talk to you? If he agrees with Detective Lancaster – with Ryan, and then they are either protecting each other –

He saw the quick flash of anger on Hutch's face .Riley thought that he wouldn't want to be on the receiving end if that flash went further. He quickly went on.

"Or Ryan has something on him."

The anger was gone and the deep etched concern was back in place.

"And Riley, that is exactly what I am worried about."

"Perhaps if you just give Starsky time he will talk to you."

"But by then it will all be too late. The book will be closed on the case Riley and Ryan will just walk. That is what is burning me up here Riley. That bastard will just walk and he tried to kill my partner!"

"If Starsky wants it like this Ken, there is not much you can do to change things. He just wants to get back on with life perhaps and put this all behind him."

Once more the young man's arm came up as he offered his hand to Hutch's shoulder in a supporting gesture.

"That's what he said Riley. Those were almost his same words. I know that is how he wants it."

As he pushed his chair out now signaling that he was about to leave he added with a grim face.

"Trouble is, as you can see Riley, I am not doing too well with that idea."

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

The door to Starsky's room was ajar as he walked toward it. Just outside of the doorway he felt a crunch under foot. Looking down he saw a small piece of glass and he stooped to pick it up and threw it in the corner trashcan.

He could hear voices and the unmistakable sound of his partner's complaining and whining. The four year old was back, Hutch could tell that even before he entered the room and he smiled automatically at the amusement this act always gave him. His amusement was short lived however when he took in the scene in Starsky's hospital room. The curtains were partially drawn around the bed and two women were standing over his partner, one on either side. They were both masked and gloved up. One was obviously a doctor and the other was one the of nurses he had come to recognize as a regular on the ward.

"What's going on? What has happened? Is Starsky all right?"

The young female doctor turned now and motioned with her gloved hand.

"Sorry Detective, but could you just remain back a few steps so you don't contaminate the field. Yes just there will be fine. We'll be finished in a few moments".

The doctor was deftly pulling through a suture and tying it off. There was a small mass of bloody dressings on a drape that was laid out to the side and Hutch averted his eyes quickly from the wound. He was really going to have to work on this weakness in handling the sight of his partner's blood.

"Hey 'Utch. Where ya' been? Ya' missin' the party here. Got two boootiful ladies all to ma'self….Hey! Ouch! OUCH….that really hurts. Owwwww!"

Hutch made an instinctive move forward but when when the nurse warded him back with her eyes he stopped.

"Starsk are you ok?"

He could tell that the Doctor was smiling under her mask by the way her eyes danced.

"Detective Starsky is being a bit of a baby aren't you? He has done nothing but cry out since we started. He can't possibly be feeling anything with the amount of local anesthetic I have put in this wound. So do not worry…I think he likes the attention."

Hutch relaxed. Smart lady.

"Yes well there is that with him. He is fond of a bit of drama when he wants attention – it's a learned behavior I'm afraid. It has worked for him in the past so many times."

_Particularly with me._

"Hey …hey! You come here and get a needle rammed in your side over and over Mr. big guy – see how you'd like it? Ow! Enough already. Be careful down there, make sure you keep ya' hands up where I can see 'em. Don't pull that sheet down any lower will ya'?"

Ok, he's fine, Hutch thought, rolling his eyes heavenward.

"So Doctor, is there something wrong with the wound that you are re-stitching it? It's been a couple of days now and I thought it was healing well."

"Yes and it was until your partner here decided to take a bit of dive and broke open a third of all the stitches again."

"What! Starsky what happened? Did you fall? Why were you out of bed by yourself for God's Sake?"

No answer.

"Starsky!"

"We found him in here on the floor just after his other partner left. No idea how he got there, but one of the staff heard a glass smash and ran in to find him. His wound had broken open with his sudden movements. Must have torn it open when he got up from the bed. That's all we know."

A red veil of rage fell over Hutch's eyes. He blinked it away and breathed until the pulsing in his temple settled. He looked at his partner who was now looking away from him and focusing hard on the nurse's face.

_He's not going to tell me!_

"Ryan was here, just before? Can someone please tell me what happened here? Starsky will you look at me."

No longer caring of the doctor's orders and given that she was packing up the small surgical tray and the nurse was applying the last of the new bandaging, he stepped forward and looked at Starsky so hard that eventually his partner gave up and looked back.

"Jus' came ta' see me that's all – no big deal 'Utch. Don't get ya' self all worried. Just visitin'. Passin' by and thought he'd pop in ya' know."

"And so why were you on the floor? And a broken glass? "

He turned now and looked back at the doorway where his shoe had crunched over a shard of it still left on the floor.

"Oh, well Ryan didn't wanna stay for a drink, so…."

"Christ just how many drugs has he had? He's totaled."

" Just the normal amount for his size – that we would administer for re-suturing. He was in considerable pain when the nurse found him so we needed to get on top of that quickly. He does seem to be quite sensitive to the drugs though."

"Yes he always has been."

The doctor made to leave and the nurse was finishing tucking the covers back in around the bed and pulling back the curtains.

"We'll leave you two sort this out than shall we? Please buzz the nurses immediately if you think your partner needs anymore pain relief."

Hutch looked down at his dopey-eyed friend who was grabbing at his hand now and patting it affectionately, a big sloppy smile on his face. His devoted dog act usually brought out for play after one of their big drinking sessions. He hoped Starsky wouldn't start nuzzling his hand and shoulder like he had been known to do with this particular act.

"By the looks and sounds of him, I don't think it would be a good idea to give him more drugs till next week."

The nurse and doctor laughed and made to withdraw from the room.

Starsky waved and blew them kisses.

"It didn't really hurt that much girls, just jokin' with ya'. Ya' can come back anytime an' stitch me up ok?"

"We hope that won't be necessary Detective Starsky." The doctor looked a little severely at him.

The door was closed behind them.

"How can she be a doctor 'Utch, she's too pretty for that. Told her to call me Dave, but nooooooooo – too prof – too profess – too serious. Too serious for someone so pretty. Wasn't she preeeeety 'Utch. Not like Dragon Nurse. My pretty doctor."

Hutch came and sat on the edge of the bed now and tried to get his partner to concentrate. Not an easy thing to do when Starsky was humming to himself and patting away at his arm. He doubted that he was going to get too far with extracting any meaningful information out of his partner right now, but he was damn well going to try.

Then he would be heading out to chew someone's head off at the nurse's station.

'So what happened here this morning? Are you going to tell me what caused you to bust your wound open? What did Ryan have to say?"

Starsky's goofy face faded and once more he looked away.

"Think I might need to sleep after that needle….bit groggy "Utch."

"No you don't Starsk. You are going to stay awake until I find out what happened here? You've torn all your wound up, there's a shattered glass and a visit by Ryan, so what went on?"

Despite his strong words to his friend he could see that he was already slipping into a further drugged haze and transitting into sleep mode.

He grabbed clumsily again at Hutch's arm. He had to be careful not to wince at the grip on his sensitive skin. He did not put it past Starsky to work out what that meant even when he was half smashed. He moved Starsky's hand down now to hold it in his own, releasing the death grip Starsky had on his forearm.

"Ya' good parnnner "Utch…best parrnnnner a cop could eva have in life. Best friend too. Ya' always have my back don't cha?"

He patted at Hutch's hand and face and then giggled suddenly.

"Mind ya' Ryan had my back too – tried too – wouldn't let 'im – but tried to have my back." He grinned stupidly and looked at Hutch as if sharing some inner joke.

Hutch felt cold and then hot.

"Tried to have your back? Like a good cop you mean Starsky? You mean he watched your back?"

Starsky snorted and tried to giggle but it turned into a grimace.

"Yeah sure! Like a good cop. Coz not – not a good cop Hutch. Won't let him. Won't let him do ….will make sure I stop him…don't cha worry parnnerrr….I won't let him."

He was going under now. His hand dropped down from its haphazard patting of Hutch's face and fell heavily onto the bed.

"Hey..hey..Who smashed the glass at the door Starsk? Was that Ryan? Was he trying to hurt you today Starsky?"

"Na' was me …. so angry at asshole Ryan…wanna smash glass in his face, pussy, walked off Hutch. Pussy. Not hurt me…can't hurt me, won't let 'im, but you, you 'Utch."

"What? Hey? He can't hurt me Starsky."

"No, can't coz ….won't…I won't let 'im. Ya' safe 'Utch. Won't let bastard…won't let 'im."

That was the last word he got out of him and he had no doubt that when he woke up and was once more clear headed that it would still be the last word he would get from him on whatever happened here while he was at the precinct.

He sat for a few moments making sure that his partner was asleep and comfortable. Lifting the sheets he checked again to make sure the re-sutured wound was still dry.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean Starsk? He wants to hurt me? It's you he has his sights on not me."

He brushed the curls away from his Starsky's face and pulled his pillow into a more comfortable position.

Perhaps the drugs had distorted everything for Starsky, but no matter what, Ryan had been here this morning. Whatever had gone on between the two of them had led to his partner throwing a glass and his subsequent fall from the bed.

Hutch was beginning to think that Ryan Lancaster had a death wish.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

"Nurse I thought I made it clear that Detective Starsky was to have no visitors other than myself and Captain Dobey."

"Yes but after you said that you allowed that other officer go into him yesterday."

"I had no control over that meeting. Simonetti is from Internal Affairs and that I had no power to block his department's authority to interview Starsky. But your staff allowed Detective Lancaster into his room this morning."

"He showed us his badge and said he was one of his partners, that they had worked together on a case. He seemed to know all about him and you – he knew your name and well - he was very nice."

"Oh for Christ Sake, you allowed him in because he seemed nice! Persuasive? What sort of dumb answer is that? I told you no visitors unless it was run by me and you let him in. And then see what has happened? My partner ended up injured again."

His voice had risen and he was aware that he was beginning to frighten the nurse. Some of the other staff were coming closer now, to subtly check out if she was ok with this tall fuming blond.

He scrubbed his fingers through his hair and brought his voice down a few notches and his tone to a lighter level.

"Look I'm sorry ok? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you and I know that you probably thought nothing of it, letting him in. But please, can you let all of the ward staff know that as Starsky's partner I am requesting no visitors now apart from myself. I will call here and let you know if over the next couple of days there will be a visitor or two that I am happy for Starsky to see."

He was thinking in particular now of Huggy. As Starsky grew stronger Huggy would want to come and see him.

The shaking nurse received one of his more gentle smiles now as he tried to make amends.

Walking away from the nurse's station he gave himself a mental shake.

_Got to reign in that temper Hutch. _

_It's going to get you into trouble one day very soon._

_Well fuck that!_

Turning over a new leaf would have to wait because right now his temper needed a working out. His fists were already clenching of their own accord by the time he was in his beaten up car and heading for the nineteenth precinct.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo


	19. Chapter 19

**If I Can't Have You **

**Chapter 19**

He was pulling the car into the rear garage lot of the Nineteenth Precinct when the patch came through.

"Zebra Three, Zebra Three. Come in."

Torn between letting it go and picking up, his headspace already inside the station's building, he hesitated, sighed then responded.

"Zebra Three, Go ahead Mildred. How are you today?"

"Oh same old same old Hutch. I have a request from the man named Huggy Bear for you to meet him at his place as soon as possible. He has information that may interest you. Out"

Ok. Now that was interesting. Huggy would not call him down for any other street news when he knew that he and Starsky were in the middle of the fallout from the Kalzo case and Hutch was still ostensibly on desk duties.

_He's got something that he knows I want._

"Mildred could you let him know I will be there soon as I can. I have something I need to take care of right now."

"Zebra Three what is your location."

"I'm at the nineteenth precinct paying my respects to fellow officers. If Dobey wants me tell him he can find me here and then I'll be at Huggy's bar. Out."

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

He was just sitting there.

Cool and unfazed. Stretched out in his office chair a smug smile on his face as he spoke in that deep resonating voice into the phone. Even just watching him Hutch could guess that he was manipulating the person on the other end of the receiver. At this time of day the squad room was not busy but there were still a few other officers at their desks. All eyes looked up now as Hutch entered the room.

He made sure to make his entrance unremarkable and pushed through the door at a reasonable pace and force.

That cost him.

A lot.

When he caught sight of Ryan's dark head at his desk, he wanted to kick the door open, slam in off its hinges and push every desk and chair that stood between him and the target of his wrath, flying in every direction.

He breathed deeply and slowly and used every ounce of self-mastery he could harness to appear like one detective arriving at another detective's station for – for a meeting – yes a meeting, that was it.

The last thing he wanted to give Ryan was ammunition for the IA. An audience, particularly of other officers from Ryan's own precinct, was not going to work for him.

Ryan spotted him instantly and his hooded eyes flickered at first, in shock but then recovered their cool arrogance. He remained talking into the phone but turned his dark black orbs on the blond detective who was now sitting on the edge of his desk looking directly at him.

No one else in the room spoke to Hutch and he had quickly sensed that it was not likely that they would. Despite him having his violence in check, even he could feel the pulsing waves of electricity between the two of them as they stared each other down. There was no doubt that they could all sense it too.

The few other officers in the room suddenly became busier and extra focused on their tasks. In the world of cops, intra- cop warfare was a nasty business and being pulled into the consequential IA system could sully even the brightest star on its ascent up the career ladder.

The tall blond detective from the other precinct was posturing body language toward their own Detective Sargent which was a sure danger signal to the other staff. No one who wanted to keep his or her noses clean would choose to become part of what the visiting detective had just brought into this squad room.

Ryan wound up the call and very slowly replaced the receiver. He remained slouched nonchalantly in his chair and tapped a pencil almost lazily against his stretched out leg.

"Hutchinson. Don't often see you down here at the nineteenth. Have you got business here today? I thought you were on desk duty and ah – let me see, hospital duty."

The smile. How much did Hutch want to wipe it off his face with his fist? More than he could barely contain. He felt now like his entire body was a boiling pot of oil and the lid was bouncing wildly, oil spattering and jumping. Any moment now the whole pot was going to explode.

"No I'm back on the streets Ryan. No more desk duty. And yes you're right, I do have business down here."

He cast his eyes quickly about the room and then through the glass doors to outside in the hall. His voice was lower now but deadly in its depth.

"We need to take this outside Ryan. Garage. Now."

"So you can't say what you want to say to me in here is that right Hutchinson?"

"That's right Ryan. Either we take it out of here now or it is not going to be good for either of us. I'm getting to the stage where I almost don't care about myself but you, you can't afford any further investigations by the IA can you?"

A hiss and a narrowing of the black eyes.

He stood suddenly, thrusting his chair back and away from him with his long leg.

"OK if its privacy you want Hutchinson, we'll take it around the side of the garage lot, away from the parking bay."

Hutch followed his tall form as they left the squad room and walked outside. Once out of the garage rear door Ryan's turned left and they moved down to a narrow walled area with a high fence on one side. As private a place that could be had in a busy police precinct.

Ryan turned now as they slowed and stopped. He faced Hutch with an open arrogance and cool disdain, the ever-present snide smile a red flag to the seething violence that Hutch no longer felt able to hold in.

The last vestiges of his restraint snapped. The man he faced now had the look that said he was expecting what came next. And in that moment when the control finally slipped and Hutch could no longer hold back he thought he saw in Ryan's eyes that he knew of course that this was an inevitable end point in the combustive atmosphere between them.

Hutch threw himself at the other detective.

The brace and stance of Ryan's tall muscular body told Hutch that he had been expecting it.

_Of course he has. He's been fucking waiting for me to come here. Ever since he left Starsky this morning. He knew I'd come after him. _

Even then the force with which Hutch slammed him against the wall and pinned his neck in a suffocating hold had Ryan momentarily off balance. Surprise jumped in the black eyes as he had to right himself and tried to push back. Hutch brought his strong forearm up and pushed hard, uncaring that he was crushing the airway of the other man's throat. He used his long legs to pin the lower half of Ryan's body firmly against the wall and with his one free arm and hand he brought his forefinger up to jab into his forehead.

Ryan tensed and struggled for a moment and then stilled, waiting and watching the icy blue eyes boring into his own dark ones.

"What did you do to Starsky this morning? You were at the hospital! What happened you fucking slime!"

Ryan just smiled a little more and then gasped as Hutch increased the pressure on his neck and ground his knee into his thigh so hard that Ryan resisted a wince.

"Why don't you ask him yourself Hutchinson? What - your boyfriend giving you the silent treatment?"

"I am asking you again Ryan? What went on this morning between the two of you?"

"Oh Hutchinson, I see what's eating you now. You can't take it can you? What Starsky and I have together? What we had together as partners that whole week he was away from you? What went on? If your partner won't tell you Hutchinson, that should surely tell you something."

Hutch pressed his forefinger into the other man's forehead hard enough now to have Ryan pulling back. The pressure on his throat was unrelenting now and Ryan choked and gagged.

He had underestimated this man's strength. He was always a match for him in their academy days but now Ryan was bigger from his gym regime and Hutch was compromised from his recent illness. It didn't matter though – he still could not pull out from the iron grip squeezing his throat and crushing his leg to the point he feared his muscles would tear.

"I am tired of you fucking with me Ryan. Tired of your games and your mental jerking off. You know that I will eventually pin you for what ever happened during that operation. It's only a matter of time. I have the statements from Kalzo's men. You're the one who made Starsky aren't you, you fucking bastard? You blew your own partner's cover! You organized for him to die."

Gasping and gagging Ryan forced out.

" No evidence. You have nothing Hutchinson. Nothing. All cleared. I am all cleared and no one gives one shit about Nick's statement. No one ever will. What's it matter anyway, your own partner sided with my story completely. You're wasting your time Hutchison – you'll get nowhere with any of this."

"What made you do it Ryan? What made you blow Starsky's cover? What happened at the bar that day when Nick and Luke said the two of you had been fighting. You lifted his cover that day – to the two men. Why Ryan. WHY?"

Hutch was bellowing now and he didn't care about the voices in the near distance in the parking lot of the garage.

Ryan gave an all mighty shove then and pushed Hutch from his stranglehold on his throat.

He furiously gasped for air and rubbed at his neck, coughing.

"Back off will you. Back off! I'm warning you too Hutchinson, keep your hands off me because witnesses or not I will have you up on an assault charge. I will make damn sure Simonetti knows how you are starting to play rough because you simply don't like the fact Starsky's report agrees with mine."

He pointed at him with one hand and held the other hand up, warding Hutch to stay back.

"You can't stand it can you? Can't stand that Starsky has backed me up on the report and that he won't talk to you?"

"He won't freaking talk to me because there is something that has gone on with you and him."

"Finally getting the picture then? After all of these years? "

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"What happened at the Academy – you remember don't you ? Never did tell him did you Hutchie boy? Why? Scared that he might have looked interested in the fact that I was infatuated with his body? With his ass? Hey? Do you think that maybe Starsky wouldn't have minded it one bit that I was watching him while I jerked off? Is that why you never told him Hutchinson?"

The blood was pulsing in his temple again and the fists were curling tighter.

_Don't let him do this to you. Don't let him win with this sick provocation._

"Ahh yes now we're getting closer to it? Has it never occurred to you Hutchinson that you are probably more concerned about what happened _before_ I had to make it look like I killed Starsky than the fact that I actually did have to hurt him so badly? Hmmm? You have never gotten over the Academy when I took a part of him from you. And when we went under together it nearly killed you didn't it? You were terrified that Starsky might actually want me like I wanted him. Have always wanted him – always. I have never forgotten that body Hutchinson. And you've had it all of these years to yourself. Now I want my share."

He drew this last word out slowly and almost seductively, licking his lips and smiling like an indolent lover.

Almost imperceptibly Hutch felt his body positioning itself, moving into a stable stance. The blood was roaring now in his head.

"I think Hutchinson that the real problem for you is not that Starsky was nearly killed but that you don't know what went on between us and what might still be going on. Like my little hospital visit this morning? You are enraged, but not just with me are you? Your precious boyfriend might be asking for it from elsewhere and I might just be offering to give him what he deserves."

The next words left Ryan's mouth in a sickening, taunting laugh and he leaned closer to deliver them.

" He might be loving it, what I can give him - and you can't stand it!"

Ryan's blood splattered red and bright against the white concrete wall and sprayed out in dancing droplets caught in the dazzling early afternoon light. Hutch heard the sound of the impact only after he watched the blood fly and then felt his screaming fist. The punch had been thunderous and brutal. God knows he had held onto to for too long and it had smashed out of his own body and into the face in front of him like a train at full speed.

He only hit him once and though his thrumming fists wanted more he pulled back as quickly as he had given his right fist free charter.

_Fucking Jesus!_ _Son of a bitch Ryan!_

He had let Ryan do it. Push him to the very place he had not wanted to go.

_Who am I kidding?_ _Of course that is where I wanted to go. And further. A lot further._

As soon as he had seen Starsky this morning and heard what had happened, he had been planning it in his mind. While he was driving here he was savoring the feel of the crack of his knuckles on firm flesh and when they walked out into this side area of the precinct garage he smelled the blood that he wanted to see spurting from Ryan's face.

It was enough. For now. He would not take it any further. He held his bloody fist firmly as if it might take on a life of its own any second and go for round two, three and total annihilation.

If he touched Ryan again he was not sure that he could stop.

Ryan was wiping his hand across his face and already mopping at the blood with a handkerchief. He was testing his teeth now and biting down to assess the damage to his jaw and mouth.

"Feel better now. You've been wanting to do that for a long long time haven't you?"

He spat out fresh blood.

"As street cops we both know the relief won't last long will it Hutchinson? The rot will set in again real fast and then you will have to deal with all that anger in another way all over again. But I won't let you do it again. Remember that. Think on that. I play as rough as you do and next time I won't stand here while you take out your frustrations about your partner on my face."

He was standing up straighter now.

"You had better find a way to work it out Hutchinson. You and your boyfriend. I won't be your whipping boy anymore."

"Did you do a freaking course in how to evade the point Ryan. Because in all the times we talk you just say nothing but complete shit. None of this is about Starsky and me. It's about you. You and your sick mind and your sick lies. And what you have done – what you _are_ doing to my partner. You're the one who is scared here Ryan not me. I have nothing to hide and everything to gain by finding out what you won't own up to.

You're lots of things Ryan, despicable things that I detest, but you're also the lowest of the low. You're a dirty cop Ryan. You did a number on your own partner who trusted you. For whatever reason, and I am sure that you and I both know what those reasons might be."

Ryan snorted with hard laughter and just shook his head.

"Now you think that you've tidied up your shit mess by getting into bed with Simonetti. And somehow you left Starsky feeling like he has to go with your take on what went down in the undercover gig.

But me – me , Ryan, you won't make me budge from being in your face. I'm not giving up on any of this Ryan. Doesn't matter how long it takes, but I'll find a loose thread and it'll all undo for you. I'm not going anywhere and if you think a busted mouth and loose teeth is too much for you, then you'd better start changing your story about what really went on when you were under."

Ryan moved away from the wall now and looked down at his watch.

"You know Hutchinson your little speeches are really started to drag on me. You may not have work to do being that you need to go and sit and hold Starsky's hand, but I have. And, when you get a free moment from your babysitting duties, have a read of your partner's report. It's all in there – everything that you can't change, no matter how much you want to get in my face."

He stalked away.

"RYAN!"

"Oh no there's more yet? More threats to come Hutchinson? Not finished with the scare tactics yet?"

"You go near Starsky one more time, this won't just be a matter for IA. It will go well beyond being just an internal police issue. This will come down to just you and me, just the two of us Ryan. Don't forget it."

In the end it was Hutch who shoved past the tall black haired man and slammed in through the door from the outer garage, leaving the other man in his wake.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

It had been quite a few days since he had seen Huggy in person, having updated him on Starsky's progress by phone . It was even longer since he had been at his bar. Without Starsky it was never really the same and he tended to just grab a beer and something at home when he was by himself.

It was late afternoon by the time he walked into the dimly lit familiar hangout. How many times had he and Starsky bellied up to the bar here or taken their favored booth in the far corner?

It was still early and not many patrons had yet arrived at their watering hole. That suited him because the last thing he wanted was to have to talk to anyone. He kept his head down and signaling to one of the waitresses , one of Huggy's regular hired help, he motioned to the back booth and headed over. A low profile was what he was hoping to keep here this afternoon.

He ordered his usual beer and let her know that he was after the Bear himself if he was free.

Within minutes the tall, lanky black sashayed out of the rear of the establishment and over to Hutch. He too signaled the woman for a beer and once they were settled with drinks in place, he appraised his blond friend.

"Well my man was wondering when you were goin' to grace my fine abode again. If I didn't know that heavy shit had gone down with the curly one I would be thinkin' you had found ya'self a new place to eat and greet."

He looked more closely at the tall detective opposite him and lowered his tone.

"So how is he? You know I am not waitin' any longer to go visit him. I left it a coupla days like ya' asked. But I need to know what's goin' down with my friend Hutch. There's some pretty heavy stories blowin' around the streets and this bar about what happened with Starsky and the man from the nineteenth."

"I know Huggy. I'm sorry, but I just needed to give Starsky some time to sort out his own head. Not only has he been knocked around severely but also I have been worried about how it has affected him - in other ways. It is not every day that your partner tries to leave you for dead. "

Huggy knew , always did know whatever there was to know about the bones of operations and shakedowns and busts.

"I had refused him any visitors until he was able to talk about what – well what went on with Ryan, in that alley way."

Hutch still felt sick when he said the words.

Huggy looked sympathetic and understanding of his blond friend.

"And? So? Any developments on that front? Has he started to open up with you about what went down?"

" Ah Shit! No …nothing Hug. Well nothing that I can make sense of that's for sure. That's why I feel so …..freaking hopeless. He won't talk Hug. Just says that Ryan is right.. There's nowhere to move on it now. Ryan is a free man. And now this morning he got to Starsky at the hospital. Even with my embargo on visitors he still freaking just walked straight in. Messed Starsk up some more but I don't even understand how or why."

" Ah so now I' m gettin' the picture. That's why y'are sittin' opposite me lookin' like a pound of dynamite is under your jacket and the fuse is lit? You wanna move but ya' don't know which way is best ."

Hutch took a long drag on his beer and dragged at his face.

"I'm in a fucking corner here Hug. Either try to rearrange Ryan's face, which I tried to do just before I came down here or I interrogate the shit out of my partner who won't budge an inch to tell me what the fuck has gone on."

"What man? You been leaning on Lancaster?"

Hutch gave a half smile and gave his swollen knuckles a quick rub.

" 'Fraid so Hug, for all the good it did me. "

"Hutch my man, you and your partner never change. Avenging one another's sorry asses. All you've done is muddy up the waters for ya'self and Ryan's probably got the IA watching your every move with him."

"Huggy like I told him, I'm at the point with him that I don't really give a fuck anymore. I just want him down."

'Well then why I called you down here ain't gonna help to mend ya' tortured soul any."

"So what is it that you have for me. Is it going to help us to pin Ryan?"

"Well you know most of it already. Bad boy Nicky Calbrini is swearin' that he watched one big bad cat aka Detective Lancaster try to take out his partner before the big bust. Swears that he would never have guessed that Lancaster was taking down his cop partner – really went for him for real."

Hutch looked sick.

"Well tell me something I don't know Huggy."

"Has told his boys on the street that he and the other men had no idea that Ryan's friend was a cop until Ryan spilled it to them himself."

"That's all in his report too."

"Yeah, but he's backing his report up with his mouth Hutch. He didn't just jive for the cops to get back at Ryan for being behind the bust. Calbrini is seri – ious- ly confused by Lancaster's actions."

"Word has spread fast that Ryan is a bad dude and even badder cop. But seems no one in the IA wants to know about it."

Hutch nursed his warm beer and looked exhausted and fed up.

"None of it adds up Huggy, that 's the whole fucking point, and none of it can be used against Ryan."

'There's something else I have for ya', cos in all ya' talking about this stuff I haven't heard ya' mention it."

Hutch pushed his beer aside and leaned forward.

"Why did Ryan get partnered up with Starsky in the first place for this job Hutch?"

"You know why Hug…" he said it with resignation.

"Because I wasn't fit for the scope of the undercover operation. I'd only just got back to work and even then Starsky forced Dobey to put me on desk duty till he thought I could handle the streets again. I am so pissed at myself for that Huggy. Another thing that Forrest has done to me. Caused my partner to be nearly killed because I wasn't there to take his back."

"So ya' still talking shit 'bout what happened with you and Forrest. None on that, none of any of it, was your fault Hutch and Starsky and I can tell ya' that till we're blue in the face and it makes no difference to your messed up ideas. But let's take what happened to ya' out of the picture here. Ya' know Hutch I think that ya' wrong. Even if you had been fit for that job, I don't reckon you'd have been invited to the party."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that the operation was always coming from the nineteenth – they had the handle on it first, so my reliable sources tell me. And your favorite cop Ryan was the hot choice for the gig. He was originally going in to join the other guy, the one who got blasted during a deal. When the nineteenth needed another cop why didn't Ryan have his own partner to take under with him?"

"I don't know. Guess I haven't thought about it. I hadn't seen much of Ryan in the last year till he showed up at Parker that first day I was back at work. I don't know about his partnering up. Maybe his partner had moved on or been transferred?"

"That's right Hutch. He had been transferred. And he requested the transfer himself after havin' only worked with that dude for four months. He wanted out, out from Ryan, Hutch. Gotta ask ya'self why?"

Hutch sat back now and took it all in.

He had always wondered whether Ryan had instigated and manipulated the whole partnering up with Starsky angle but had told himself that he was taking his concerns to a paranoid level. Now it was looking like he may not have been far off the mark with his estimation of this man.

"And so man, if he had no partner in the nineteenth when this whole Kalzo bust came up, why not just put him under with one of their own? Why come lookin' to Dobey and your precinct for a man? Ya' see Hutch I have been thinkin' on this and the word out there is that this cat Ryan has a bad karma 'bout him. Maybe no one else wanted to go in with him and maybe –"

Hutch preempted him, his eyes narrow now.

"He wanted to go in with Starsky and knew I was out of action. Couldn't have worked better for him that I was desk bound."

It was all still supposition and in the end didn't change the course of events that had gone on or in fact what was happening still. But then again, Hutch thought the true depth of Ryan's manipulative personality was something that even he might not have imagined.

"That's right Hutch. So don't go beatin' ya'self up 'bout how ya' couldn't be there for Starsky. I don't think you were eva in the plan, my man, even if ya were runnin' on all cylinders after Forrest. "

"Thanks for that Hug, but small consolation given that Starsk ended up with a knife in his guts. You know I won't ever feel better about that no matter how you try to make it OK for me. But I appreciate it all the same."

He reached forward and the two hands, one black and thin, the other strong big and white clasped strongly.

"Look I've got to get back. I'm going to try to find out what made Ryan's partner take the door so early in their relationship and now, that you have brought it to my attention Huggy, I will look around at his previous partners too. Might be able to get one of them to tell us a little more about what sort of cop and man they found in that partnership."

"Won't hurt to look, but ya' know Ryan will be watchin' ya' do it.

Now you going back to the hospital? Tell the curly one to expect me tomorrow morning. I'll let you know if he decides to loosen his tongue with me. If it's gonna help him, ya' know I will share it with you even if it means goin' behind his back."

"Good luck Hug because I can tell you Starsky's mouth is stitched up tighter than that goddamn stab wound of his."

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo


	20. Chapter 20

**If I Can't Have You**

**Chapter 20**

Starsky was awake and alert now when Hutch returned to the hospital in the evening. He has left it a little longer until he had calmed down enough from his encounter with Ryan to go back. That and the fact that he wanted to make sure that most of the heavy pain medication was out of his partner's system. He needed Starsky to be clearer in the head than he had been earlier in the day.

He wanted some answers now.

And Starsky was the only person who could give them to him.

As soon as he entered the room he could feel the current. Gone was the petulant toddler from this morning who complained about the discomfort of the needles. Gone was the effusive puppy dog behavior, the totally devoted and doe eyed friend. Gone was the drunken haze and uninhibited honesty of the drug sensitive Starsky.

All of these behaviors were now gone.

In their place was hard, wary, calculating Starsky.

Street smart , tough and dangerous cop was back and Hutch knew instantly that he had his work cut out for him.

'You're fully awake now."

A statement not a question.

"Fully awake and fully over this bed and this hospital."

"'Where ya' been. I want out of here."

"You know that the doctor said not for two more days so stop your bitchin' Starsky. Rules are rules. And where have I been? Well I've paying your other "partner" a visit. You could say it was not a very happy visit. We didn't exactly see eye to eye."

Starsky sat up higher in his bed and groaned at the remark.

"Christ Hutch will ya' leave it alone and give it a rest. What are ya' tryin' to do? Get ya'self taken in by Simonetti and his boys? They don't like us as it is and they are just itchin' for one of us to put a step wrong."

His dark blue eyes eyes flashed down to Hutch's right hand. Hutch realized there was no point in trying to hide the bruised knuckles. They knew each other too well anyway.

"Tell me you didn't. Ya' didn't Hutch. You took him on? You went for Ryan? Ah Shit! What the hell did ya' do that for ya' big blintz?"

Hutch let it go now.

His growing frustration with Starsky's mute act.

"Why the hell did I do that? Starsky I'm starting to think that you and Ryan have a strange comedy routine going here and I am the only one not getting the sick jokes! I smashed him because he came here this morning against my orders, and caused you even more damage. That's freaking why!"

"Against your orders? Hutch ya' startin' to sound like …like…"

"Like what Starsk? Like what? A concerned partner. Your best friend. That's what I am and that's what I deserve to be treated like. Best friends and partners don't hold back information and the truth from each other. "

"Oh and ya' think that's what I've been doin'. Lyin' to ya'? About what Hutch?"

"About God damn everything that's what! Why you're lying here in this hospital bed. Why you left the bar by yourself on the day of the bust! Why a visit from Ryan would leave your wound all busted open and cause you to hurl a glass at him.

Yes! You've done nothing but lie – withhold the truth – whatever you want to call it – because it all the same in the end. Lies! Since I found you in that alleyway with a street knife hanging out of your beaten up sorry ass of a body!"

Hutch sucked in a big mouthful of air and exhaled. He moved over to the bed now and leaned in to Starsky . He placed one hand on either side of his partner and pushed in as close as he could to his face.

"I want answers Starsky! So you had God damn better start talking to me!"

In contrast his partner's voice was quieter and low, but the dark blue eyes were filling with anger and resentment.

"You just have to open up Simonetti's report – the answers are all there for you to read."

"That report and Ryan's report are two pieces of total bullshit. Total bullshit!"

"I can't make it any simpler for you partner. That's what went down. I'm tired of you pushing me on this."

"You're tired? I've done nothing but run from pillar to post trying to scratch the shit off those reports and uncover some truth since it happened. I'm the one who is tired of your charades with me – partner!

To have Ryan lie to my face is one thing. But Christ it is really burning my guts now to know that you lied for him and are STILL lying for him, after what happened this morning."

Starsky turned his head now and cursed softly.

Hutch practiced calm and brought his decibels down a few notches.

"The bathroom at the bar on the day just before the bust. You were there with two of Kalzo's men and Ryan. What happened Starsky?"

"Played pool, drank beer and pretended to be an all round low down bad guy who was happy to do drug running for a few bucks. It's called undercover work partner. It's our job remember? What the fuck sort of questions are these?"

"Quit the cuteness Starsky. I've read Calbrini's and the other guy's statements. You and Ryan fought – in the john. You left before all of them."

"Why did you two fight? What possible reason would you two have to do that?"

"Can't recall – probably both too tanked from midday beers and threw a friendly punch at each other over somethin' – you and I've done it enough times over the years. And sometimes not so friendly punches."

"Maybe, but it doesn't end with me kicking and punching the living shit out of you, stabbing you in the guts, and leaving you to die in the slum backstreets. Not that I _recall _anyway."

Hutch was determined to keep up the momentum of his line of interrogation.

"So you two have a friendly punch up in the john, the cause of the punch up you just can't _recall_ and then you leave the bar in a rush without the others. Ryan comes out of your friendly little drunken punch up and just decides out of the blue to blow your cover to Kalzo's two main sidekicks – one being his coke crazed nephew who would be no doubt excited about reporting back to Uncle Kalzo that you were a cop. Ryan was the one who blew your cover Starsky – the others didn't make you – and that's all in the reports. Not yours and Ryan's but the one's that are a little more objective."

Starsky's face was becoming darker and more closed off.

_I don't care I will not back off from him now. This has got to be worked out now._

When he spoke Hutch recognized that his partner was now on the cusp of full-blown anger. Hutch was quite sure that if he had not been constrained by his injuries, he would have been up and dancing around on the balls of his feet, gesticulating wildly and pushing him to near provocation. This is how they worked their frustrations out and it was a sure fire solution to their pent-up moods. As Starsky had quite rightly said, sometimes the only way to work out their moods with each other was with their fists.

This time however Starsky was in a hospital bed and the whole set up did not sit well with Hutch.

Hutch knew he might just be pushing him too far.

Starsky pushed back now with his own style of cynicism.

"Well what come next in this bedtime story Hutch? Let's see? Lil' Dave the runner gets taken away by his undercover cop partner and the coke head – and those big bad men take him to a dirty part of town. They want to make it look like Dave is gettin' creamed after a deal goes wrong. Coke head watches on while – yep lil' Dave goes down big time and undercover cop partner does a great job of beatin' the crap out of him."

Hutch felt it then.

_We're reaching the crest of the slope now._ _What's next Starsky?_

Under normal rules of the game his partner would erupt and bring the show to a finale, but that was not likely given his weakened physical state and his beaten down demeanor.

_He's not going to fight anymore on this one. He's tired_.

"Don't you think Hutch that I don't lie here, since I woke up from the surgery, and think about how I got here and what had to go down in this job to keep the bust alive? Don't you think that I don't know what is flying around the squad room at Parker and at the nineteenth? I had to do it Hutch. I had to let Ryan play it to the end. But you know it stinks, it really stinks that I'm the one left with having had his ass kicked in. Save the operation. Keep your cover intact at all costs. Basic training in Detective school hey Hutch? But this time it was too real for me."

The look on Starsky's face had Hutch collapsing in on his own heightened anger and for the first time since entering the room, he stopped and listened to what Starsky was really saying.

'Hutch. Ryan had to look like he all but killed me. Do you realize how hard it is to lie down and take that sort of assault on your body? And then to have every dickhead in the precinct laughing at what he did to run me into the ground."

Hutch stayed silent listening, contemplating his partner's words.

"You are so worried about what I am hiding here Hutch. I'll freakin' tell ya' . I'm hiding my pride Hutch. I'm hiding it away from all the guys at the station who have talked and will talk about what Ryan did to me. How he thrashed my ass in some dirty side street. So when you keep asking me over and over – what is it Starsky? Why aren't you talking to me like we always do Starsky? My only answer to your question is, I'll let you know when I freakin' well figure it out myself!

Hutch looked taken aback and pulled himself away to look more closely at his partner now.

"Surely you can't be thinking that crap Starsky? People are not judging you for what happened, what Ryan did to you. He damn well nearly killed you and you're worried that the guys at the station are going to think that somehow makes you less in their eyes? "

"Still not easy having your head kicked in by another cop."

Hutch's voice was deadly quiet now and he watched as he spoke to see the other man's reactions.

" But what should it matter to you Starsky when in your report you stated that Ryan had to make like he was putting you down hard. Isn't that the whole point here? He had to overpower you didn't he – for the sake of the operation? That is what you have said in your report. You're not making sense here Starsky."

The hardness in Starsky's face was back again.

"You're doing it again Hutch. You're pushin' me into some corner over this stuff and tryin' to make it more complicated than it is. It was a bum deal that went down, but it had to. I got my ass wiped by Ryan and that never feels good to me no matter what the reasons. You've done nothin' but drag it all up again and shove it in my face since I woke up from surgery.

Now I'm askin' you to leave it alone. It's my shit, in my own head, and I'll work it out . Just stop pushin' me to do it before I'm ready will ya' ."

"Well at least talk to the psychologist that the Doctor has recommended you see. Starsky before you come home you need to have a couple of sessions with the shrink – to talk about what happened to you undercover – with the violence, the attack."

"Not gonna' happen."

"Ah, come on Starsky, don't do this. You know you're going to have to see the departmental shrink anyway before you're cleared for duty. Might as well have a session or two here to talk about it."

Starsky pushed up now from the bed and swung his legs over the side. Hutch noticed that he was trying hard to disguise the discomfort he still felt with the movement and he had to hold himself back now from offering his partner a helping hand to move off the bed. A distance had sprung up between them now – tangible in its force and each of them was keeping to their respective sides. The temper gauge in each of them had gotten frighteningly high.

"I've had enough of this conversation Hutch. I'm goin' to the john. When I come out I'm hopin' that you'll have gone and takin' ya' conversation with ya'."

Angry eyes now and diminishing patience. In a weakened state or not Starsky's temper when unleashed was formidable. Hutch didn't want it brought any closer to the surface than in already was - a rampaging Starsky would only be more self destructive to his recovering body.

"So this is how you deal with this, with me. Just walk away and bury your head. Starsky I can feel your anger and your frustration, but how else can I help you here?"

"You can help me by promising me something right now and then taking your own tired ass home to bed. You're all done it ya'self and ya' still not well."

Hutch waited and listened.

"I know you've been running around tryin' to sort out whatever ya' think needs sortin' out here for me. But I want ya' to promise now – stop it. No more questions, no more detective work on the case, no more seeing Ryan. I am serious on that Hutch. Most of all you must promise me that you won't see Ryan again.

Promise me that you'll keep away from Ryan!

KEEP AWAY FROM HIM!"

Starsky blew out the statement with so much force that Hutch thought he would have the nurses in here in force any moment.

"You ask that of me when you know how I feel about him? If you ask me that then you tell me one thing now first – and I want the truth."

Hutch took a deep breath and could barely watch his friend's face as he said it. Terrified that he would see the answer. But he needed to know. The time had come to ask it. He looked straight into Starsky's eyes – blue into blue and held the connection that they always used as their main communication channel.

"While you were under with him, did Ryan try to hurt you in any way other than physical Starsky? Did he – did –he make a move on you. Is that what this is all about?"

It was said and it couldn't be unsaid now.

The answer was there in his partner's eyes. Waiting there for Hutch to read it.

Starsky's answer – spoken through those deep dark blue pools, couldn't be unsaid either.

Hutch faltered, then checked himself.

"Awww…. Starsk."

He went toward him, reaching out in a way that was second nature to him.

Starsky just shook his head and held up his hands.

"No more questions. I need to be alone. Please just go home now Hutch. Just - go – please."

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Hutch closed the door to Starsky's room behind him. He did not walk away but just stood, facing the door, staring hard at it.

How long he had stood there with his arm extended against the door just staring at it, he didn't know.

Starky's pain filled eyes were all he could see as if their image was burned deep into the white door.

Well now he knew.

He had his answer, or at least part of it.

He didn't realize that he had held his breath until he heard his name spoken.

Jolted he turned.

Riley was standing quietly behind him just waiting and looking so filled with discomfort that Hutch immediately felt sorry for him.

"Sir – ummnn- Ken, I mean , Ken, I'm sorry but I didn't want to disturb you but I have that paperwork, the paperwork for Starsky that you asked me to drop in here for him. I – I did knock before Ken, only lightly – you mustn't have heard me, so I just decided to wait out here for you, till – until you had finished - talking to him sir – ah Ken."

He remembered then that he had asked Riley earlier if he could deliver up some leave papers for Starsky to sign. He had meant to get them himself yesterday but completely forgot. The meeting with Dobey distracting him completely. He'd gotten Riley to collect them from the office and to drop them up here. His idea at the time being that he would take him down to Huggy's to show him his favored hangout , catch a quick drink and to meet his lanky friend.

Socializing was hardly on his agenda after what he had just walked out on, but he wanted to do something to take that look of pure shock and embarrassment off that innocent face.

_Christ poor kid._

He took in Riley's white face and figured that he may well have been privy to the raised and angry interchange that had just finished erupting in the room behind him. He was embarrassed as all hell and did not seem to know what to do with himself.

Hutch accepted the documents that the young officer was holding out to him now. He looked like he wanted to throw them and run for his life.

"Thanks for these Riley, but ah – I think it's best if I leave these till tomorrow now. Starsky was very tired and I've just left him so that he can get some rest".

Relief flooded the worried face. Hutch could understand why. There was no way Riley wanted to go into that room and to meet his partner, not after what he heard anyway. He tried to remember how loud they had gotten. Loud enough to have shaken this young cop. He only hoped the content of their yelling had not been clearly audible.

Having Riley and his dismayed face to worry about had at least taken Hutch's mind from the last terrible moments he had shared with his partner. His sympathy for Riley delayed the inevitable truth that he would soon have to look at head on.

Right now he just wanted to get out of here and regroup.

"Well Riley what do you say to tagging along with me to come and meet a good friend of ours. Starsky and I have known him for years and he runs a popular bar where the beer is always cold. And right now Riley - right now - I really need a drink."

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

An hour or so later and into his third beer the feeling of ominous dread was still there. He had introduced the young rookie to Huggy and from there had sat back and let their conversation wash over and through him.

He knew that as soon as Hug saw him that he could pick up on his mood and his need to find quick solace in a drink. Huggy would tell that he needed the company if not the conversation of a good friend.

Riley although intuitive , was not able to suppress his pleasure at this new social experience. He took to Huggy immediately and was all-agog with trying to understand his role in his new friend Ken's life and the workings of the special relationship shared between the two detectives and this generously flamboyant bar owner. It was an entrée to a new world for him and he was mindful to soak up everything that it had to offer someone as green as himself.

At least thought Hutch, while he is prattling and bursting at the seams with excitement of mixing with the seedier side of life social set, he was not allowing Huggy the chance to cross examine him about Starsky.

He could see Huggy eyeing him carefully. He had no doubts that the his skinny black friend was trying to work out the newest development that might have brought him to the point where he was downing his drinks like there was going to be a prohibition announced the next day. Huggy cocked his eyebrow high when Hutch signaled for a fourth beer in a relatively short time frame.

It was somewhat difficult as Riley was between them and neither wanted to embroil him in too much detail regarding Starsky. Stupid really Hutch thought, because the young man had probably worked a hell of a lot of stuff out for himself anyway.

"So Hutch, got a thirst tonight have we?"

"Better that I drink than do what I'd rather do Hug. Already done that once today and didn't help me too much. Neither did talking to Starsky….."

He looked quickly at Riley who was once more embarrassed. He _had_ heard the argument.

And so a drink it is. And Huggy, I can tell you – "

His face took on a serious sad look

"That the drink isn't helping much either."

Huggy was surprised as he watched the face of the young man that he had met for the first time tonight. He was being careful not to say too much about the situation with Starsky in his presence, but now he could see that not a lot was lost on this rookie. He was trying to be upbeat and conversational but Huggy got the distinct impression this rookie was tuned in to what was dragging at Hutch and that he was just as concerned about the blond as he was.

He was listening now to Riley discuss his plans for the next year and how he had decided to apply to sit for his detective exams.

No doubt the kid was starry eyed and in awe of Hutch and his status in the department. Huggy had to smile. Starsky and Hutch were often role models for other rookies and their ease and naturalness with their undercover cop personas had impressed many a young idealistic rookie.

Hutch was encouraging of the young man and Huggy admired how kind and avuncular he was toward him. He had obviously made an impression with the blond detective. Not always an easy thing to do. Hutch could be withholding – more so than Starsky on a good day. He didn't include Starsky's dark days – best not to go there at the moment he thought.

"I thought Ken, that perhaps say in a few months or so when I had completed my rotations I would consider doing the exams – or at least apply. Who knows maybe one day I will have a great partnership like you share with Detective Starsky – if I'm ever lucky enough."

Hutch looked into his remaining drink.

"Partnerships take a lot of work to develop and to maintain Riley. Without a solid one, your job as an undercover street cop is not an easy one. I think you'll make a fine detective and yeah, I hope you'll team up with someone who you can one day trust completely as your partner."

_Just be ready for the pain that goes with that partnership. It cuts damn deep. Damn deep._

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

**Two Days Later**

"I just don't see why you don't come and stay with me for the first few days back at home. I'd feel much better about it."

"Look we've discussed this already. You want to get back into some system of work and for the past week you've been tied to the hospital with me. Enough. Staying at your place doesn't mean you're going to be around anymore through the day and early evening anyway. Besides I'm fine Hutch. I can walk around ok now and I'm getting back my strength. I just wanna' get home and get back into life ya' know. Tinker with my car, sort out my records, and just relax. I'll be sleepin' half the time anyway.

Just stop worryin'. You can drop in after work and make sure I'm still breathin' OK?"

Hutch cast his partner a glance now as he drove them both to Starsky's apartment, the hospital behind them much to Starsky's relief.

"God it's just so good to get out of there! Remind me not to go and get myself beaten up anytime soon again."

As soon as he said the words Starsky could have kicked himself. Hutch's face was grim but he did not annoy Starsky with the obvious comeback. They were still on shaky enough ground as it was. Ever since two nights ago when they had reached the stalemate that had shocked them both – Starksy's unspoken admission that Hutch's worst fears were founded - neither of them had gone there again.

Hutch was biding time and waiting for his partner to adjust to something – adjust to what he didn't know, but to something. To arrive at some intangible point on a continuum where he felt safe enough to open up to his best friend.

It was a very vague and very sketchy expectation. But at the moment it was all that Hutch had to hang on to. He feared now that to push Starsky any further or any more quickly could cause irretrievable damage to their trust in each other.

He knew of course why Starsky refused the offer to stay with him. The less opportunity for intense face to face time with Hutch, the less likelihood he would be drawn into disclosure of what had happened.

For now Hutch would accept the parameters and pace that Starsky had set up.

Hutch pulled the latest in a line-up of equally hideously and equally noisy claptraps into the driveway outside Starsky's place. He was particularly proud of this one – and the fact that it seriously irked his partner had no small part to play in his fondness of the car.

"Well I think that this little trip home in your rust bucket with not one ounce of suspension, has just undone two of those ribs that were healing so nicely. I swear I can feel 'em floating about in my chest again. What a heap Hutch."

For a moment Hutch was full of guilt on behalf of the poor dynamics of his chassis. He had driven so carefully too and taken each corner as smoothly as could be achieved in a car with such poor handling ability. God! No – he should have realized that the vibrations would be too painful for Starsky's chest and wound.

He galvanized himself into action and jumped out of the driver's side and was around to help Starsky out of the passenger door, mortified with worry. He bent down in the doorway of the car and touched Starsky's chest as if he could somehow feel the fresh fractures with his light touch.

"Why didn't you say something to me? I would have stopped? Oh Star…"

He stopped midsentence. His partner had the first big smile on his face in days.

"Bastard! Don't do that to me Starsky. You know I take that stuff seriously."

"You don't usually. It's me who is always the gullible one. You're just too primed up as mother hen for your own good. Of course I'm OK ya' big lummox. But Hutch you seriously need to get this piece of shit into Merle's. It needs more surgery and fixin' up than I've just had."

They were walking toward the apartment now and despite Starsky's goading, Hutch remained solicitous and protective of his every step. As they made the slow ascent up the steps with Hutch holding his partner carefully, bracing him all the way, they bantered like they hadn't in days.

It felt good, normal and a lot healthier.

Hutch knew that they both felt it and for the time being they were both happy to drop the antagonism that had sprung up between them over all that lay unsaid and secret.

He should have held onto that surly antagonism for just a while longer and not fallen into their familiar buddy banter.

It was only later that Hutch raged against himself for finally letting his ever-present guard down.

If he only he had remained as paranoid, careful and controlling as he had been all the time that Starsky had been in hospital, he knew that he wouldn't have missed it.

But all that steady hyper-vigilance had been for nothing. When it mattered most of all, he had not been paying attention.

He was so happy with the distraction that they were connecting again that he missed it – both times – on the way in and out.

The car that had been parked across and down the road from Starsky's apartment.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

**Hello Readers.**

**To those of you reading this far, thank you for your ongoing interest.**

**This is the chapter where we need to give you some warnings before reading further.**

**It had to happen – those of you following the story know that.**

**Well this is the chapter where it does.**

**Please DON'T PROCEED to read this chapter if you are offended or upset by homoerotic language, wording, descriptions or imagery.**

**We do not intend to offend but this chapter's content and style is integral to the characters created here and to the overall story.**

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOooo

The door closed behind his partner – finally!

After what had been the longest half hour of firm admonishment, repetitive reminders, clucking advice, stern reprimands and well ….the usual Hutchinson treatment of mother henning, the door had closed.

Peace. Quiet.

Time to think.

Starsky was half laughing and half pissed at his partner. Could any one worry as much as Hutch?

Yes, he thought.

_I could. I was just the same with Hutch a month ago. Checkin' on him every coupla' hours, phonin' him up, getting' Huggy to drop by for obscure reasons which were all a pretense for my own need to make sure that he was still OK. That he wasn't climbing the walls, not out on the streets trying to score another fix, not spewing his guts up yet again in the bathroom._

_We both worry. It is us. It is what is between us. _

_It is why I am so angry with him. Because he won't let go of his relentless need to find out what happened on this undercover job. I'm angry with him because it's him – its Hutch. Hutch is safety and stability. It's safe to be angry with him and not have to face the truth about what I'm really angry at and afraid to face._

Starsky took in his own place. Breathed in the space and the essence of his own self. He felt so much better already. So much better than he had felt since he had woken up in that damn hospital with a burning pain in his side and an equally burning chest.

Better than he had felt since he had walked out of the squad room on the day he went under. The moment when he had left and told Hutch for the fiftieth time not to worry.

The last day before he had stopped feeling OK with himself and who he was as a cop and a man.

But to be back here now in his small but familiar home re-balanced him somehow. Just as the drive home with Hutch had done. Away from the hospital that took their relationship and their habits off the page of their own personal comfort zone and into a new dimension that demanded a different and unsettling set of behaviors from them. Made more unsettling because the very reason he had ended up in that hospital bed had never really been broached.

Despite his initial bravado upon arriving home and his joy at simply being back in the swing of mainstream life, his reserves fell sharply once Hutch walked out the door.

He had unpacked his few things, sorted out a bit of washing, had his medication just as Hutch had prescribed, washed down with fresh juice that was stocked in his fridge along with the array of equally uninspiring healthy Hutch- like foods.

He walked into his bedroom and was not surprised to see that Hutch had washed and folded his small amount of washing from his overnight bag that he had taken undercover with him. He picked up his favorite drawstring cotton pants that he usually wore around his home and decided now that he would take a shower and change into them. Relax. Let the remnants of the cloying hospital smells wash away down the drain.

He emerged from the bathroom weaker than he could have felt possible. How could one quick shower so totally take it out of him? He stuffed the outfit he had worn home from the hospital in the clothes hamper and tried to summon the energy to towel dry his thick hair. The heavy holster and his gun sat on his dresser and he automatically went to pick it up and drape it over the chair in the corner – a customary habit.

Something made him stop. He pulled his Smith and Wesson from its leather holder and held its heavy weight in his left hand. It had been a while since his palm had wrapped around its familiar shape. Without thinking he walked over to his nightstand table , pulled open the drawer and slipped the gun inside. Guns to cops were like extra appendages and he had felt strange all week without its proximity to his body.

The injuries he's sustained had made him a hell of a lot slower on his feet and he needed the reassurance of the gun's closeness to him while he was sleeping.

He tried now to listen to his body and figure out if he was more tired than hungry. Never usually much of a contest for Starsky. Hunger never lost the battle over fatigue. But that was when he was fighting fit and in peak condition. Food was the desire, the foreplay and the climax and sleep was the somnolence that always followed.

At the moment fatigue was staging a strong battle over hunger. His battered body was fading fast and the pain medications he was still taking were kicking in.

He decided that one more look in the fridge couldn't hurt. Maybe there was something to his liking that he had missed when he did the first passover with Hutch watching him just a while ago.

"God Hutch it is my first day home and I was hoping for something substantial ya' know – like some pizza and root beer."

"Neither of which is substantial or good for a body that is trying to recover from surgery. So try the fresh juice and the tuna salads I have made up there for you. There's fruit and nuts and some whole grain crackers if you're not wanting the bread…"

"I get it. I get it…jeez, a solid week of hospital crap food and then this is what you want to offer me. How can I get my strength back with this stuff huh? I ask you?"

"Well Starsk, it's either eating that stuff or perish because unless you want to walk to the nearest food shop you will starve."

He jangled the Torino's keys in the air and swung them around on his finger.

"I've got these so you don't get some stupid notion to try to drive out for burgers. Not with the pain meds you're still taking and your bum ribs."

"Hutch, give me the keys."

"I'm late for catch up with Dobey. I'll be by in about four hours to check on you. Eat, take your meds and sleep. Phone me if you need me, otherwise you are all yours."

"Hutch the keys – c'mon."

Hutch waved, rattled the Torino keys and slammed the door behind him. It opened immediately.

"Oh, and lock your door."

Starsky gave him his first serious look since they had left the hospital.

"Don't start Hutch."

"Starsky just please…humor me, lock the door."

He had clicked it into place and knew that Hutch had waited to hear it before trotting down the stairs.

He closed the fridge. Fatigue was staging a battlefront that no amount of hunger could outstrip.

The early afternoon sun on his bed was calling to him and he could feel the last vestiges of his limited strength draining from his weakened body. Drowsiness crept in to his tired limbs. Even the minimal exertion of climbing his front steps had taken its toll on his muscles.

So much for the idea of sorting through his record collection….

Just as he had turned toward the bedroom he heard the light rap on the front door.

_Unbelievable! I should have guessed he'd be back to check on me just to be sure…._

"What the hell? You haven't even been gone fifteen minutes and you're back! I told you Hutch, I am gonna' be fine and to stop your worryin" –

With an air of exaggerated frustration he threw the lock, swung the door and put on his best scowling face.

Starsky's first instinct was to slam the door back as fast as he could and throw the lock back into place.

_You idiot! You fool! Don't give this guy the time of day, he's pure trouble, and pure evil. _

He stopped short at the man with the twisted arrogant smile plastered on his handsome face. With one hand Ryan swept the black swath of hair off his forehead. It took just that one calculated, rehearsed move to stop Starsky from lunging into a knee jerk reaction. As his eyes followed the sweep of Ryan's hand and the fall of the thick veil of hair back across his head, for one second this casual, seemingly normal action distracted him from the true evil potential of this man.

He hesitated.

And then he recalculated.

_NO! Not again…_

Starsky went to slam the door closed, suddenly galvanized with anger. Ryan had dared to step into his own home.

It was too late.

Ryan's foot was already planted across the door frame.

"Welcome home Starsky. I wanted to be the first person to say that to you but from what I've seen Hutchinson has taken the honors – again. Well he's gone now and it doesn't seem as though he's coming back anytime soon."

"Get the fuck out of my home Ryan."

"Oh come on. Aren't you even go to invite me in? I've been waiting so patiently out there in my car. Had to watch you and lover boy doing your little parade up the steps. Waited and waited and finally he came out. I don't think he'll be back so I thought it was my turn to pay you a visit and to check on the patient. Hutchison would be only too happy to know that someone is watching over you while he is at the precinct."

With one violent shove that took Starsky completely off balance and off guard, he rammed his big body through the door and pushed Starsky to the nearby couch. With his leg he slammed the door shut behind him.

Ryan moved over to where Starsky had sprawled half on the couch and half on the floor and pulled him up roughly by the arms. The small lamp on the side table went flying and the couch slipped backwards across the wooden floorboards.

"I'm not going to bother with a lot of small talk today 'Partner'. We may not have much time and I'm all out of patience with you and sick of waiting for something that should have happened a long time ago. But first something to get us going here."

He grabbed Starsky's upper arm and pulled him to an upright position, Starsky's thin t-shirt bunching and stretching. As he held Starsky firmly and while Starsky was still shocked by the ferocity of Ryan's sudden movement at the doorway, he drew back his fist and plowed it into the side of the Starsky's jaw. The crack reverberated about the small room and Starsky's head snapped back with violent force. His deep guttural moan served only to excite the other man.

"Consider that a gift from me for the same one your partner gave to me. Fucking bastard, dared to lay his fist into me. So consider us even."

Starsky's mind and body were totally disassociated. What had just happened? Already loose and fluid from the pain medication, the massive blow Ryan had delivered to his head and the impact of it on his weak body sent him into a near derailment.

_Why is he doing this to me? What the fuck does he want from me?_

He tried to put his legs under his torso and stand but everything had gone black, tinged with red-hot licks of pain. His head was ringing from the blow and his body was not much better from having hit the side of the couch. His tender ribcage took the brunt of the fall and he the shock of it was screaming through him. As he pulled his core back to his brain he focused on the side table lamp , lying sideways on the floor as a result of the impact of his fall.

Trouble. Deep and dark. It was here now inside his home. It was in the form of this tall black-haired man who stood smiling sardonically at him. A look in his black eyes that threatened more, much more.

Starsky felt the fear.

He knew that Ryan was near to being out of control.

"Go – get out Ryan. Get our now before –"

"Before what Starsky? Before what? There is no before anymore or no after. Just 'Now' …what I have waited to do with you since the night at the Academy."

"What the fuck are you saying here? Academy? Nothing happened at the academy with me and you."

"No? Well it might have. It may well have Starsky, but then your stupid blond boyfriend just happened to catch me out. Never told you about it did he? All these years and he never shared our little secret with you. So I've waited Starsky, I've been waiting since that night when Hutchinson interrupted me. "

Starsky was trying to assimilate the meaning of what he was saying. Hutch? Ryan? The Academy? But that was years ago. He knew nothing of what Ryan was talking about, but now as he tried to clear his head the first realization started to dawn on him.

"Hutch's never liked you. Never trusted you."

Ryan laughed.

"Never liked me? He fucking hates me. And you know why? "

He had a rough hold of the light-headed Starsky now and was shaking his body like he was an inanimate object.

"Because he wants you all to himself. Well he's had you for years. His had you watching over him, loving him, fucking him for years. Now it's my turn."

He moved one hand arm to push Starsky's head up and back exposing his throat and with the other he pulled his body in tight against his big frame.

With a crushing force he brought his mouth and teeth down on the exposed neck and throat, licking and scraping at the flesh while pulling Starsky's body towards him molding the form of his victim, the lover he hungered for into his own.

Starsky pushed back violently , turning his head from the mouth and tongue.

He could feel Ryan's arousal already strong and hard , his black eyes glazing with excitement and lust.

In a second shove and twist he had Ryan off him for a moment and wiped his hand across his mouth and neck.

"We've done this dance before Ryan and it's not happenin' again. Now FUCKIN' GET OUT!"

Starsky backed away stumbling against the couch and breathing hard with the pain in his chest and head. He could feel blood in his mouth and the side of his face was on fire with the force of Ryan's fist still vibrating in his jawbone.

Starsky stood – but only just. The moment was suspended in time. It was clearly obvious that Ryan was without limits and dangerous. He watched Ryan closely now. He needed desperately to come up with some sort of defensive response that would change the course of Ryan's next movements.

Starsky felt his stomach drop in a sickening lurch. He knew there was not going to be anything that would change what Ryan had in mind. His only hope was to physically overpower him.

_And - There ain't anyway that is goin' to happen. No way. Not when I can barely stand now and I can't even draw one decent breath._

He needed Ryan angry. He wanted to wipe the lust and the desire from the twisted face and replace it with absolute rage, with anything, he didn't care. As long as Ryan's blatant arousal was not there for him to see. He could not look at the pure sexual hunger in Ryan's eyes for another second.

He'd already experienced a preview of Ryan's seductive repertoire and the memory of the feel of his touch had the nausea welling in him. There was no doubt what Ryan wanted and what Ryan was physically capable of given his own current weak condition.

In that moment Starsky made a decision.

If it came down to it, came down to this monster raping him , which it looked like it would, then Starsky chose his only avenue of defense. He would provoke Ryan to the point of inciting him.

_One line of defense Starsky that's all you have open to you. Only one line. _

_Provocation._

_Come and get me you bastard. You've beaten me to pulp once already. It won't be such a hard job this time. Just a few more punches and I'll be out. Do it again and make it so good that I don't know what happens here._

_I won't know what happens next. _

_Just don't let me know what you do to me._

"So trying to kill me wasn't enough for you Ryan? Leavin' me to die not enough? What now? Comin' back to have another go?"

"The fact is you didn't die Starsky. You're still here and alive. Maybe this means that that I'm meant to have you. I'm going to own you Starsky, before I'm through here with you, I'll fucking own you. And you won't say a word about it – not to anyone in the force, because you know why don't you?"

The black eyes were as dark as this man's soul.

"Don't you Starsky? Because I know all about your lover's little problem. Something he loves to suck into his soul and his blood as much as he loves to suck on you! I know very well you've both hidden it from the department. Your lover is a junkie isn't he Starsky? A heroin junkie!"

The arrogance had transformed into something different now. It had gone beyond conceit and contempt – it was cold and sick and menacing. Starsky thought he would prefer to have the arrogance back any day.

He would not give this asshole the pleasure of seeing his reaction and the dread that filled him with the obvious implication of the threat towards Hutch. Quickly now, he skirted away from the menacing taunt.

"Have me? What the fuck? Ryan you are so messed up. So now a busted up invalid turns you on? Is this how you get off Ryan? What can't get ya'self an able-bodied man? "

"I'll take you anyway I can Starsky. You'll still be enough man for me to have even injured. "

Ryan advanced slowly now and grabbed him roughly by the hair. With the other hand he grabbed at a handful of Starsky's round ass, his fingers digging into the firm muscle through his light cotton drawstrings.

"And don't you think it turns me on to know that I'm the one who put these marks on your pretty ass?"

His sinuous hand skimmed down the back of Starsky's rear and cupped his buttock roughly.

"Time to party."

_Oh God no. This is not happenin' to me. _

The scream as Starsky's kneecap connected with Ryan's groin was some small consolation to him.

"Fuck you Ryan , but I just ain't in the partyin' mood."

With the last remaining bit of strength in his rapidly flagging body, Starsky brought his elbow up sharply, the loud crack of his opponent's chin another satisfying sound.

The two staggered apart, each to their own corner. Ryan was holding his groin , eyes watering and rubbing at his jaw and chin. Starsky was simply trying to suck ragged breaths through a chest that no longer seemed to know how to do the job for him. He swayed on his feet, dizzy and full of pain. His vision was blurring with each crest of agony that ripped through his chest.

The rage in Ryan that he had baited came out in full force.

As he swayed now, waiting for the assault, his only hope was that Ryan's aim was going to be true and that the blow would take him out completely.

It didn't.

So much for hope.

Ryan had cuffed him solidly, hitting him hard enough for blood to spurt from his mouth and to send his already swaying body to the floor. His head smashed down against the side of the couch, breaking his fall but catching his still tender brow.

"Come here bitch!"

The floor was moving beneath him. No, he was moving over the floor. Ryan was dragging him by his arms across the living room. The electric shock of his tender shoulder still healing from the beating, brought tears to his eyes.

"You wanna play rough Starsky? You just had to say so. It's my favorite type of game."

The ceiling of his bedroom came into view and the dragging picked up momentum as if Ryan was ignited.

With brute strength Ryan pulled him up and onto the bed, flinging his limp body across its expanse with a savage disregard. Even the impact of the relatively soft landing sang through his chest and wound. The nausea was rising again.

He could hear Ryan's breath now. Course and fast. Excited and labored at the same time.

The mattress dipped as he felt Ryan's heavy bulk kneeling beside him. He tried not to look up but a cruel grip soon changed that as fingers dug into his face and turned it to face the man now straddling him. Ryan's hard knees and thighs pushed into his tender side and one heavy arm found Starsky's loose hands and pushed them high up above his body. He felt his dislocated shoulder rip again and hissed at the sensation.

_Knock me out. Please just knock me out now_.

But it wasn't happening. He was still far from unconscious and totally aware. As if his mind wanted to prove it to him he caught the smell of Ryan's sweet overpowering cologne and the texture of his thick curtain of hair falling on his face as Ryan brought his mouth down onto his neck and shoulder. There was a ripping sound. The light t-shirt was ripped from Starsky's chest and the same cruel fingers that had scraped at his face found their way to his chest, pulling on his coarse pelt of dark hair and making a path down to his taut abdomen.

He tried again to summon something from within to fight his way out of this nightmare. There was nothing left for him to use as arsenal. What part of him wasn't crying out in pain from new injuries was weeping silently inside from his older injuries. His entire body was one mass of fire and shock.

His legs wanted to kick, but couldn't. His mind was telling his fist to clench but it couldn't. His mind wanted to shut down but it couldn't.

He was officially in hell.

Only speech obeyed his commands, though it sounded almost alien to his own ears. Surely that could not be his own voice – so soft, weak and helpless.

Yes, he thought, he sounded helpless.

The realization of that hurt more than the pain.

_I will not be this bastard's victim. I will not let him do this to me._

But the strong thoughts were not enough to engender any strength in the body that was now brutally captured, incapable of any degree of retaliation.

"Just hit me will ya' for Chris'sakes? Pound on me and let me go to – sleep. "

"Like hell I will. I want you awake for all of this now Starsky. You will remember me after this and not Hutchinson. I will leave my mark on you and Hutch will always know it."

He closed off now, or tried to.

_So tired, just so tired. Let me go to sleep. Don't do that to me please. Oh no! I don't want this. I don't want this. Stop now. Please. Just stop._

He was half sobbing now as Ryan pushed and pulled at him. His tongue on his face, in his mouth, on his chest and along his wrists. His arms were held above his body, wrenched to the point of white-hot agony, the dislocated one feeling like it was being freshly torn out of its socket all over again.

His hands were all over him. Dipping and caressing, stroking and squeezing. It was all pain and all painful. Ryan was oblivious to any sensation he might be causing in in his victim. Or perhaps he wasn't. Perhaps he was feeding off Starsky's pain. He was so focused on his own needs and desires, that the man beneath him had become a piece of prized flesh to him, nothing more. The monster that was Ryan was determined to conquer and put his stamp of ownership on this other cop and there was not much in the way of barriers to stop him from fulfilling his goal.

This brute was on top him, buried in him. Starsky's broken body already so fragile seemed to be breaking completely, his very soul shattering and crumbling.

"Stop. Stop…Ryan please stop….fuck…..fuck….you."

His desperate words only served to fuel his attacker's assault.

The sweep of dark hair was suffocating him now, pressed into his face as a litany of filthy, erotic words spewed coarsely from Ryan's mouth, their breathy formations filling his ears and brushing over his raw face.

The heavy male scent of the man pressed into him was pervasive and distinctive. Starsky again caught the familiar cologne that had hung in the air of their warehouse sleeping quarters and the memory of that wretched time came flooding back, to layer upon the wretchedness of what was the present.

The rock hardness of Ryan's cock was grinding into his own groin, pushing and thrusting against him in wild spasms. The heavy pressure on his tender side caused sensations of pain that went beyond bearable.

_He's not going to hit me anymore. I'm not going to be knocked out. Oh Christ, please make this stop._

The more he made weak efforts to push against the bulk and the invasion, the more excited and more fervored Ryan became.

His hands were on his loose drawstring pants now.

"No! NO!"

More filthy words intermingled and mixed with endearments, threats, and promises. Ryan was a tormented and feverish lover, caught midway between the states of lust, hate and revenge.

His actions and words wanted to own, ravage, destroy and overpower. His hands seemed only to hurt and gouge.

"This is mine. You're mine now Starsky. I want all of you. No …more waiting."

There was a sensation of cool air now as his loose pants were pushed away and down his flailing legs. Ryan had quickly brought his hand down to grasp at Starsky's genitals. His limp cock and balls were being squeezed and rubbed, pliant and soft beneath Ryan's hand no matter how hard the other man tried to stimulate and coax it into life.

"I want you Starsky. I've waited for you, for your body, for your cock for so long. "

He slowed a little now. Pulling himself back a little and watching the distraught man beneath him.

"I know you give this to Hutch all the time. Now you can give it to me Starsk. Show me. C'mon show me that you want me too."

The small shift in Ryan's tempo had Starsky shifting beneath him. He tested the amount he could move and began pulling himself up the bed, squirming away in increments from the heavy blanket of flesh draped across him.

Ryan continued to work feverishly on his limp cock, while having released his own steel shaft from his pants and thrusting it against Starsky's own flaccid one.

"Not doing it for you Starsky? Perhaps you don't like it rough. Maybe you like how Hutch does you hey? Does he do you like a girl? Tell me Starsky, what's it like with you and lover boy. I've always wondered. Is he like me? Like a real man who fucks like a man. Hard and strong? "

His eyes were glazing and his thrusting and tilting of his pelvis were becoming more urgent – pushing against Starsky's lower abdomen and pelvis. Rubbing coarsely over Starsky's curly thick pubic hair. Ryan's erotic words and spoken thoughts were sending him spiraling to a sexual end point.

Suddenly the unresponsive man beneath him seemed to enrage him.

"Why won't you love me? LOVE ME you fucking bastard! Get hard for me!"

He backhanded him again and pulled the already pinned arms higher, stretching the tortured body even more.

His hand found the knife wound now and he watched Starsky's half closed eyes as he pressed his hand there experimentally.

"How does that feel eh? This is where I marked you Starsky. This is where you will always carry a part of me with you. The scar you will always wear."

The pressure on the wound increased and now Starsky's suppressed moans became cries.

"Jesus! No! Stop"

"Say please Ryan, ask me to stop please."

He pressed harder.

The cries became soft screams.

"Ask me Starsky. Say please"

"Ff –fuck ya'. Fuck ya'"

Ryan's twisted features were so close now and his teeth were bared. Starsky waited for the next level of pain.

_Do it. Make me pass out. Do it._

Instead Ryan withdrew his hand from the wound and moved it lower to his thigh and hip. He lifted himself a little higher off Starsky's body, straddling him still but easing the pressure enough that he could move his hand down between the two bodies and the mattress.

Even before it happened Starsky knew in his pain wracked and dulled mind what was going to be the next indignation wrought upon him. But even being forewarned by his own fears didn't dull the hot poker lance of fire that was now plundering his anus.

Ryan had plunged his fingers deep into the crevice of Starsky's buttocks and pushed savagely until he penetrated the tight ring of anal muscles.

The animalistic cries and bucking beneath him was Ryan's reward. Finally releasing Starsky's upper body Ryan gripped his hips and lower body more tightly with one hand now as his other hand plundered his rear. He pushed his fingers in deeper and deeper into Starsky's tight anal ring.

The sensation and blood began to return to his arms and shoulder joints but the shock of that was lost among the waves of the stabbing deep internal pain caused by Ryan's thrusting fingers.

"You're so god damn tight. Sooooo tight. How can you be Starsky? "

_No more. No more. No more._

Ryan was ebullient. He shifted his weight suddenly and drew back on his big haunches, his trousers still caught around his thighs and his shirt pulled loose and open. He still sat straddled across the top of Starsky's bare thighs and as Starsky tried to look up his vision filled with Ryan's prominent erection and tight balls. They were resting upon his own lower belly, nestled amongst his his own dark v of abdominal hair, almost as if it was some dysmorphic appendage of his own body. Starsky thought he would vomit.

For several moments it was another of those freeze frame experiences whereby Starsky stop bucking and resisting against Ryan's' big body and just collapsed into the hideous spell of disempowerment. He continued the chant in his mind over and over, a talisman against the fear that was now completely engulfing him. A talisman that was not working to put a halt to this never-ending nightmare.

_Hutch please make it stop. Make him stop. Hutch. Hutch. Hutch._

And then the last spurt of anger and rage pierced through him – irrational and needy.

_Hutch where the fuck are you when I need you? Fuck you for leaving me in that alley with this monster. Fuck you for leaving me with a knife sticking out of my guts. _

_Fuck you now for walking away and leaving this nightmare take me!_

Ryan swiftly withdrew his hand from Starsky's ass and brought it closer to examine his fingers. The sudden removal of his digits was nearly as bad as their violent entry.

"You're bleeding . Oh my God! I can't believe it. Hutch has never had this with you then? You are mine. You're going to be all mine."

In that one moment when the weight shifted and lifted he took the only chance he was ever going to get.

As the light dimmed at the periphery of his vision and he felt the burning excruciation of Ryan's digital penetration, he again thought of his partner. Thought of all that Hutch had tried to do to stop what had happened with Ryan from happening.

His irrational thought and anger was now replaced by shame.

Shame that he had not trusted his partner's instincts, shame that he had not trusted enough in the strength of their relationship to have shared what had already happened with Ryan, shame that he had been to frightened to let the one man who accepted him completely, try to help him through one of the most difficult experiences of his adult life.

_I am so sorry for not doing what I should have Hutch. I am so sorry. I am so sorry for not listening to you._

His body started to move again now. Ryan sat motionless, incredulous . The bright red blood glistening on his finger tips, the natural light in the bedroom dancing over its slick color. This beast, this predator was transfixed by its simple representation.

Virgin blood. Victory. Vindication that Starsky was really his, and his alone.

He rolled the balls of his thumb and digits around its slipperiness, eyeing it with almost clinical appraisal. He took his eyes off his quarry and reveled in the evidence in his hands.

In that split moment Starsky acted. He had been inching up the bed and closer to the nightstand. Bit by painstaking bit – each grinding inch a pain-wracking mile. His pinioned arms free now he walked his hand over to the side of the bed, all the while keeping his eye on the congested face above him.

And during the next move of Ryan's upper body, when he bent at the waist and brought his head down to kiss him, Starsky's hand moved to the drawer of the nightstand. As Ryan rained kisses down on his face and plunged his tongue roughly into his mouth he felt around for the familiar shape of his weapon.

The kisses were demonstrative of his full blown passion now, a representation of what Ryan thought that Starsky's virgin body was offering up for him – pure love.

"Oh God! You have always waited for me Starsk! Kept yourself for me. You're truly mine now and I will fill you and split you with my fucking need for you."

His mouth was cruel now, biting and nipping, his tongue choking Starsky's soft palate, making his already labored breathing even more difficult.

"Feel it Starsk! Feel my hard cock! It's all yours and soon I will give it you – hard, it's so hard for you. But first I want you to take me with your mouth. I want you to taste me now Starsk. Now Starsk –"

Ryan's throbbing rod was being thrust close to his face now, so close that Starsky could smell his pure maleness and sweat – sour and musk mixed together. Ryan's swollen cock pushed toward his mouth and so absorbed was he in his aim and so dazed by his lust that he had lost all awareness of his periphery and Starsky's upper limbs.

His hand fitted around the beautiful, yes beautiful because that is how it felt to him in that hot hateful moment – weapon. It was pure beauty to grasp and hold its cool metallic form - to lift and to move so stealthily – a manifestation of power. He needed that power now, more than he ever had. His own body was too beaten down to do battle for him.

As the gun found its familiar fit into his shaking hand, Starsky had a thought that nearly had him laughing.

As he lifted the Smith and Wesson as if in slow motion, he wanted to tell Ryan something. He wanted to say that as bad as having his rigid cock dancing alarmingly close to his mouth, as indignant as that made him feel, nothing made him madder or more indignant than hearing him call him "Starsk".

The distinctive sound of the cocking of the gun overtook the visceral grunts of Ryan's sexual frenzy and the labored sounds of Starsky's desperate attempts at evasion.

His hand was shaking violently but he had no doubt that in the end his aim would be true. Breathing so heavily the words were nearly impossible to articulate, Starsky held Ryan in the sights of the gun's barrel.

"Never call me 'Starsk.' Never. It ain't something you get to call me. Now get the fuck off me you fuckin' animal before I blow ya' cock all over the wall. NOW!"

With shaking legs he pushed himself up the bed higher and away from under Ryan's oppressive bulk, all the while the barrel trained on the other man's genitals.

"Put it away you cockhead, put it back in your pants, zip it up and get outa my home. "

Ryan was cleared shocked and before he could put up the guard his eyes opened wide in surprise and his hands pulled back suddenly from their travels over Starsky's face. He had smeared his victim's own fresh blood over Starsky's cheeks and chin, and Starsky could feel the film of it and smell of it. The taste of it was still in his mouth from the earlier hit.

His own senses overloaded with his blood.

"Or what? Gonna tell your boyfriend on me Starsky? Call the cops? Everyone in the squad room already knows I've done you over once already. Gonna cry victim a second time? Big time cop can't handle himself can you Starsky? Need your blond lover to look out for you. Fight your fights. Keep the boogie men away from you?"

"I've said it before and I ' m sayin' it again Ryan. You're fuckin' insane. Listen to ya'self! What are you even sayin' here? Do ya' wanna incriminate ya'self? Is that what ya' want? Keep doin' this shit with me till eventually you go down for it, 'cos that's what it sure looks like from here."

He held the gun and never wavered – he might want to hear what this madman had to say but he was too street savvy to fall for conversational diversion.

"I won't go down for anything Starsky. And I won't give up on this - you. Not unless you want Hutch's career and personal life torn to shreds. This stays between you and I alone. That is a threat that you'd better remember. Don't forget it for one moment.

You put my career on the line , then your partner may as well say goodbye to even writing parking tickets. You choose – it's all up to you - lover."

"You sick bastard. Not only are you a liar, untrustworthy partner, two bit thug, sexual predator- now you are signing up for blackmail.

You sure took the wrong door when you were choosin' your career path – anybody ever tell ya' Ryan, brothers hate bad cops. Eventually bad cops meet their own end."

"Really?"

He was standing now and pulling his pants back up, zipping his fly, tucking in his shirt. Starsky tried hard not to breathe out with exaggerated relief. He kept up his wall of contempt.

"Is that so, brother? Well you know what else brothers don't like? Filthy junkie cops who lie and try to hide their dirty addiction to the needle."

He pulled away from the bed and stared at the unwavering gun still aimed at his mid- section.

"We've had out little after glow talk Ryan, now its time for you to walk out of my front door and not come back. Ever! Take your sick mind and your pathetic desperate cock and get the fuck out of my life."

Starsky stayed with his back rigid to the bed head and his legs now bent up, protective of his nakedness. He would have moved carefully into a more dominant position under which to hold Ryan at gunpoint but if he was truthful, he could not find the brain pattern and thought processes to make the movement happen. He just sat, quietly shaking and held the heavy weapon high with a determination as fierce as he had ever used in the bloodiest street shootout.

He did not want to put it to the test, but he knew in himself that one more move from Ryan, one more invasive gesture toward his already sullied body, would leave Ryan in a body bag by the end of the day.

_Don't try it Ryan. Keep your fucking filthy hands off me or by God I swear I will blow you away._

Somehow he had to find the strength to follow him out with the gun and ensure his departure. He was terrified now that his legs would fail him, the lapping fatigue and anguish would overtake him completely and he would crumple to the ground.

Ryan would overpower him in seconds.

Somehow he did it, every fiber of his beaten body crying in pain and humiliation and private despair dragging in to a vortex of emotional numbness. He could not lose it yet, he could not let down his guard or his veneer of power.

Shaking and sweating he walked Ryan backwards to the front door.

"Keep your hands up and out in front ya' fucker. Ya' know the drill. Move backward so I can see ya' face."

He was worried that if Ryan turned and walked out of the apartment with his back to him, he may turn suddenly, grabbing something and try to overpower him. With him facing him and walking backwards like a blind person, stumbling against furniture and the unfamiliar layout of the room, Starsky kept the gun now firmly pointed at his chest.

Finally the door was in Ryan's reach and Starsky stood a fair way back not giving his proximity in case he lunged suddenly.

"Don't come back Ryan. Don't come back or I swear this will end a lot differently to how your visit here just ended."

Holding up his arms in an exaggerated display of surrender Ryan stepped back over the threshold.

"Bye Lover. I'll be dreaming of you tonight and every other night."

He looked back mindfully with his foot poised on the top step.

"Say hello to Hutch for me and let him know his secret is safe with me."


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

He couldn't believe it. So much on his mind he guessed.

What with getting to the hospital, arranging for Starsky's discharge, all the damn paperwork to do there, medical orders to get, getting him home and settled…and safe – well once more it had slipped his mind.

He'd gotten most of the way to the Parker Centre when the offending sheaf of rolled up papers pushed into the center console of his car caught his eye.

"AH SHIT! Not again."

That was the third time he had forgotten to get Starsky to sign the leave papers and get them back to Dobey. Riley had delivered them to him a few days ago now and he just knew when he hit the squad room his captain would be bellowing for the damn things.

He slowed. Considered. It would not be too hard to fudge his partner's distinctive signature himself. Christ knows he had done it enough time in their careers when they were simply lazy or covering each other's asses for reports.

Thinking some more, he indicated, waited for a gap in the traffic and swung the big heap that was his car around and headed back in the direction back from where he just driven.

"Oh what the hell…"

He wasn't late for any meeting, had nothing pressing to get to at work, and so might as well get this done.

_Stop kidding yourself Hutchison. You're just looking for any excuse to go back and check on him and it hasn't even been a lousy half hour since you left._

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Some moments in your life you just never forget. They stick there in your subconscious like a stubborn song or tune that will just not leave your brain and can easily be called up at anytime, so that you can relive the moment, see it as it was and even conjure up your own feelings and mood at the very moment the memory was laid down.

As Hutch drew his car up to the corner of Starsky's street and slowed for the turn, one of these unforgettable, indelible memories was about to be created for him. As he turned his own car he was only half aware of another vehicle exiting the street, slowing down only fractionally to cross the intersection. Hutch was only half thinking at the time that the speed at which the car had roared down the street as it approached the intersection was extreme. The engine of the car was over revving as though the driver had no patience with waiting at the intersection.

That car…. Where?

In the back of his mind now he saw the memory of the car parked down the street when he'd dropped Starsky off before.

_Local?_ Not one of Starsky's neighbor's cars he didn't think.

In that split second his saw the hair. Such distinctive hair. So thick, black and long. Then he saw the face and the face saw him. Those dark eyes caught him and he knew that he too had been made.

The smile proved that he had been made.

That twisted sick smile , sardonic and baiting.

"NO… NO … !"

The car revved loudly one more time and roared across the intersection and away.

Hutch couldn't remember how he negotiated the turn into Starsky's street or how in fact he even got the car to be outside his apartment. The incandescent memory of seeing Ryan at that time, in that place, with that look on his face, wiped away any memory of the next few moments.

Out of the car now, he smashed shut the heavy door so hard behind him that the car rocked. He was scrambling up the steps, losing his footing once and quickly righting himself he bounded to the top in one last huge stride and reached for Starsky's front door.

Fumbling with the door handle he found it locked. For one second he exhaled and slumped.

_Oh Thank God! It was all going to be ok._

The door was still locked. Ryan hadn't been here.

_Just taunting me the fucking bastard. Just taunting._

Calming a little now, he tried to pull himself together and slow his heart rate. Sweat had already formed on his brow and he brushed it away with his hand while he pulled his own key to Starsky's place from his pocket.

Quieter now and less frantic he worried that Starsky may be asleep and so turned the lock quietly and pushed the door open.

Starsky was not asleep.

He was seated at the table in his kitchen. His dark blue eyes were wary and vigilant, his face smeared with blood.

Hutch took in the overturned lamp on the floor and the skewed position of the couch. He took in his partner's strangled labored breathing as if he was having trouble again with getting oxygen into his lungs.

He took all of this in the instant the door swung open into Starsky's apartment, and came face to face with the barrel of Starsky's Smith and Wesson.

"Starsky No! Easy, it's me – its me!"

His partner looked at him as if not really seeing him, not really comprehending his presence in the doorway, and then he carefully lowered the gun and let it fall loosely, leaving it dangling from his limp hand. His entire body slumped forward as thought at any moment he would topple to the floor.

Hutch was at his side in an instant.

He was kneeling slowing, carefully - he knew better than to startle a traumatized person holding a gun.

Traumatized, shocked, frightened.

His partner was all of these things and now he knew that the brief respite of his fear that Ryan had been here, was over. Slowly, painstakingly slowly and gently he put his own hand over the Starsky's left one and unfurled the fingers from the gun. He put the safety catch on now and slid the gun into the back of his waistband of his pants.

Starsky was not looking at him, but just starting blankly at the floor, his whole body defeated and boneless now that the last drop of adrenaline had been spent.

Taking stock of his partner, he reached out to touch him and was shocked at how violently Starsky pulled back with a hiss and a jolt.

"Its ok, its ok buddy. It's just me, Hutch. I'm not gonna hurt you Starsk. It's just me."

He tried again even more measured in his movements. This time Starsky remained still. His partner was wearing only his favorite white drawstring pants but they were barely tied up and fell loosely around his hips. His chest was bare. Already there were fresh bruises coming out on his neck and throat and with complete horror Hutch realized that the surgical wound that had been healing so well looked red and flaming. There were welts across his lower abdomen and bruising on his hips.

Hutch lifted his hand up to his partner's face and touching the blood there he gently probed for a possible cut or split. He couldn't find the source of the blood and wondered at why it was smeared across so much of his neck and face. Later, it could wait till later. He would clean all the blood away, like he had done so many other times for his partner when they'd been injured or beaten up.

His jaw was swollen and there was dried blood in the corner of his mouth. A red welt had blossomed over his brow mixing in with the older bruises from the attack in the alley.

"Starsky – look at me. Please Starsky.."

Cradling his friend's lolling head he tried to get some much needed eye contact with him but when he did, the deep blue eyes looked dead.

Suddenly, Hutch stood and walked quickly to the bedroom to retrieve a blanket to wrap around his partner. The disarray of the bedcovers and pillows, the cover pulled half to the floor had him sucking in his breath. He had left it all neatly made up for Starsky to come home to.

_Don't think yet Hutch, don't think. Just look after Starsk. Just take care of Starsk._

Returning to Starsky he carefully draped the blanket over his bare shoulders and tucked it loosely around his lap. Once more Starsky jumped and pulled back and then seeing Hutch's concerned eyes, recovered himself and slumped again.

He left him again for a moment to stride over to the kitchen cupboards. He pulled open the cupboard where he knew Starsky kept his liquor and was back to the table in a moment with a bottle of whiskey and a glass .

Pain killers and hard liquor were not something he would normally recommend for Starsky, God knows he got loopy enough on medication, but he needed to get some life back into those shocky eyes.

He held up the shot to Starsky's mouth.

"You need this pal, you need it now. Drink this for me – just try,"

Starsky took it and bit back on the heat of it as it coursed down his throat. Hutch didn't hesitate, he poured another immediately and handed it over.

"Again – drink it now."

The second shot was down and Starsky pulled in a deep shuddering breath and coughed.

Hutch could tell he was having trouble with his breathing again each breath was jerky and too shallow. He wondered then how badly he had been hurt physically.

Five minutes passed where neither of them spoke and Hutch just waited. Waited for the whiskey to do what he wanted it to do. To calm his partner down and to bring some warmth back into his cold body. Hutch had dragged a chair over and was sitting close to him but not so close that he invaded his personal space. He wanted so much to touch him and support him but forced himself to just wait and sit.

He poured the third shot and handed it to Starsky. Starsky shook his head this time.

"Had enough for now Hutch, no more, I'll be sick"

"Ok but its here if you need it. Take some deeper breaths Starsky, that is why you feel sick, your breathing is too shallow. Remember you need to breathe in deep ."

He dared now to put his hand up and to hold his shoulder, bracing him, supporting. With relief he felt Starsky's back relax under his touch.

"Can't hurts too damn much. My chest – "

Starsky looked toward the skewed couch.

"Fell on damn couch and banged my ribs again."

Hutch took his own cleansing breath now.

"Starsky what just happened here? I saw Ryan – out on the street leaving. Tell me what happened and this time we are talking and you are not going to push me away."

This time there was no withdrawal, no pulling away, no attempts to divert and omit . This time there were no lies – just Starsky quietly and heartbreakingly falling apart in front of him.

It started with him looking lost, then aware as he seemed to find what he had been looking for, and then appalled and anguished at what he had found in his own head. The full truth of what he had experienced with Ryan.

He rubbed his hands up and down his shaking arms, his whole body quivering.

Once more Hutch stayed away. He needed to have Starsky face this and get it out. He wasn't entirely sure why he felt or thought it but he sensed the importance of leaving Starsky alone as he battled to articulate what was so hard for him to express. Hutch felt that if he were to go to him now, to offer their usual comfort and touch to each other it would forestall Starsky from taking the step he hadn't been willing to take since this whole nightmare had started.

"I don't know how to say it or what to tell you Hutch."

"Just take it slowly Starsky, and start at the beginning. Its ok here – just you and me here, no one else. I'm going to be sitting here as long as you need me to be sitting here, as long as it takes for you to get all of this pain out of you."

The two sets of blue eyes were connecting now. The darker set frightened and unsure, the lighter set comforting and strong.

"Start with what happened that day in the bar with Ryan. What went on there that you and he had a fight?"

Silence.

Hutch waited and then lightly squeezed his partner's shoulder once again.

"What happened to make you and Ryan fight?"

Starsky looked hard at his partner, at the floor, at his hands that he was rubbing hard on his thighs and then he spoke.

"He followed me into the john. We'd been playing pool and he'd a few beers – we all had, it was time to look and act tight, buddy up before the big haul. He was watching me again Hutch – like he'd done for days. He'd never stop. I didn't notice it at first or get what it was – just freaked me out with this look, like he wanted to say somethin' or get my attention or somethin'. He'd already – um – he'd already made a move on me in the warehouse sleepin' quarters. I'd pushed him away, I guess I was so damn shocked and not sure what it was all about – then I realized. I never suspected Hutch that Ryan was … just wasn't ready for it and it put me off center from then on. Just told him to back off, that he was barkin' up the wrong tree with me ya'know."

Hutch just kept listening , watching his partner's eyes.

"Anyhow, mustn't have got through to him 'cos he still kept lookin' and givin' me the creeps. I told him that I needed him to stay focused for the job for the rest of the assignment. That I needed him to watch my back and visa versa.

But when he followed me into the john at the bar he was trouble. Big trouble. This time he was - well let's say he was tryin' to be more convincin' about his intentions toward me – "

"In the john, well he started to get more serious, and a whole lot meaner. I wasn't too impressed with his moves and let him know it…told him too that he was gonna ruin the undercover job, risk lives and put everything in jeopardy ' cos he was thinkin' with his dick and not his head. Well let's just say that he didn't like to hear what I had to say to him.

Starsky paused and gave a sad half smile. Hutch kept focused on his face but was swallowing hard and doing his damnedest to remain calm and matter of fact. Starsky needed this said and knee jerk reactions of anger from him were not going to help the process.

"We fought – not much but enough for me to let him know that I wanted nothing to do with his attitude to me. That's all that happened. 'Cept to say that he had rocked me real hard with the way he had come on to me – twice by then. I just hadn't seen it comin' Hutch. Dumb I guess – but to me Ryan had always been so straight, so macho – it was a shock to have him do that to me out of the blue."

"And when you came out of the bar – Nick and Luke – the other two guys? What did you tell them?"

"Nothin much, just said I needed to go back to the warehouse and get some shut-eye. Next thing I knew Ryan was at the door with Nick and he had me out of the building with the gun pressed against my back. I figured I'd been made – that's how it went down, that's how it seemed."

Hutch pressed gently. "But?"

Starsky turned his hands over with little energy.

"But – something was not right. I could feel it in the car on the way to the place where Ryan was meant to do me. I was gettin' no ….vibes. He didn't seem to be talkin' to me…with his body or his eyes. Nothin' was there except….rage. I felt in my guts that something was not right.

We got to the place where I knew that he was gonna do it…make it look like he'd done me over good. I was ready for it, expectin' it…."

The distress on his face now as he turned his head to Hutch and expressed his confusion was so marked that Hutch could feel Starsky's raw anguish as his own.

"He started talkin' to me, threatin' me ..all the usual stuff that you'd do to keep your own cover intact. But then – then Hutch he just went ballistic and I tried to read him, and there….there was nothin' there to read. Nothin' there for us as partners. I knew then that I was on my own and I don't know why. I knew then that he meant to kill me. I can only think it was 'cos I didn't want him and he was worried that I would let on to the department.

I don't know….I'll never know."

"The knife Starsky? What happened with the knife."

Starsky just shrugged and looked hesitant. Hutch did not miss the moment when the veil came down over his partner's eyes.

_Starsky's missing something out here. Not telling me what else happened here_.

"Not sure entirely. Just leaned down and shoved that damn street knife straight into my lower guts. I did hear him arguing with Nick that it'd look more legit, more realistic to knife me rather than give me the bullet. I dunno about any of that anymore Hutch."

_I will never tell you that. Never let you hear those words. 'If I can't have you Starsky than neither will Hutch.' Something's will just never be said. I would never hurt you with those words._

Starsky looked directly at his harrowed partner.

"Hutch – I'll never know for sure what happened in that alley that evening or for that fact why it happened. I never lied to you about any of that, even though I know you think that I did. I just …..just don't understand any of it. It was damn hard to see Ryan's perspective on it all - and mine. Parts of it were all wrong and parts of it were all screwed up. But in the end what else could he have done to keep his own cover intact and the operation on target?"

"It's all fucked up inside my head now."

"No Starsky. Ryan has fucked up inside of your head. He's got you all messed up and confused. He's tried to cover his own ass all of the way. Why did he need to beat you up so badly? Ask yourself that? And why would you fight back like you did if you weren't convinced in your guts that Ryan was bad. I saw what you did to him , you gave him back plenty – you know you were fighting as hard against him as any street thug. Don't lie to yourself on that one.

Ask yourself why Starsky? Why did Ryan try to kill you and make it look like a stalled effort to keep his cover intact until we got to you? And the biggest damn question of them all – why did he blow your cover?"

"We don't know that he did….."

"Oh bullshit! That's bullshit Starsky and you know it. It's in Nick Calbrini's statement. He fingered you after you left the bar, after you threw Ryan off you. He took you straight to Kalzo so that Kalzo would take care of you for him.

That's the truth Starsky and don't tell yourself anything else."

Starsky was shaking his head now and looking less certain and overwhelmed. The pain in his chest obviously tearing at him.

"You've always hated him Hutch. Always."

_Not now. Not the time to tell him now about the Academy. Never was a right time to tell him, and if I had of….none of this would have happened. I could have stopped all of this from happening and I didn't._

"I_…_..It doesn't matter what I think of Ryan Starsky. It's what he's done to you and what he's still doing to you. I guess, yes you're right, there has always been something about Ryan that just irks my insides. Looks like this time I should have listened better to what my insides were trying to tell me."

He bent down and leaned closer to his partner who was starting to fade, the booze and the drugs mingling with the biting pain and the shock. All of these forces pulling him into a dark place.

"Come on we need to get you into a more comfortable position. You're having trouble breathing again. How hard did he hit you Starsk? I need to know it all. I want you to tell me what happened just now. This is getting too serious to just brush off here."

"No – ribs, chest – smashed against couch and really messed me up again. Shit!" he sucked in a tortured breath. Hutch cringed with him.

"And your jaw, your chest – all marked up. Your wound is all swollen and red – did you smash it on the couch too?"

"Yeah – ah – musta'"

"Starsky will you stop with the damn lies! Don't you think by now I can read everything that you aren't saying to me, aren't telling me here."

Hutch was unprepared for the lash back.

"Then stop fuckin' askin' me will ya" I'm sick in the guts here ok. I don't wanna talk about it, don't wanna rehash it ok. He's a sick bastard! A sick fucker! There is that what ya' wanna hear? He gets off on watchin' me squirm and yell. He likes to use his fists, his mouth and his cock! Is that what ya' wanna hear Hutch!

He fuckin' tried to rip me to pieces and I couldn't stop him. Couldn't do a damn thing about it 'cos I was already so fucked over from him from the last time."

He was gasping and wheezing now and Hutch grabbed on hard to his arms to steady his flailing arms as he fought for a fresh supply of oxygen.

"He's an animal – a fucking evil animal and I wanted to blow his head off!"

He staggered to his feet now and lunged for the couch.

"Easy! Easy Starsky. I'm sorry. I'm sorry – just calm, breathe, take a breath. Slow, slow. Here let me get you to the couch where you'll be more comfortable."

He'd already decided he was going to bundle him into the car and take him back to the hospital but he wanted him to settle a little first, may be get some more pain medication into him. The moment he dropped this little bombshell on Starsky was going to be fun. The chances of getting him to come willing with him back to the hospital were slim to none.

As he was gently lowering Starsky to the couch and trying to hold up the loose drawstring pants simultaneously so that his modesty remained intact, he saw it.

A truck rammed into the side of his brain and jackknifed inside his skull.

_Oh please No!_

Bright fresh blood on white cloth. Lots of it and still damp, still bleeding.

Hutch managed to place Starsky gently onto the couch propping him up with cushions behind him and beside him to support his compromised chest and airway and to give him something to brace himself on as he struggled to take in breaths.

He wasn't sure how he got him there and how he managed to remain beside him until he was sure that he had him comfortable - but somehow he did.

"I'll be …back Starsk…just got to…"

Hutch stumbled to the bathroom. Memories filled his head of the recent day in hospital when he had stumbled away from a similar confrontative scene involving Starsky, pain and blood.

He had to face it – he was just not cut out for that three-pronged attack on his senses.

Starsky, pain and blood. Starsky , pain and blood.

He repeated it in his head now, trying to distract his roiling stomach from turning completely in on itself. The chant helped little. He just made the toilet before the gagging overtook him. He knew that Starsky had worked it out. Never was good at doing a quiet vomit. It had always been a standing joke between them. There were quiet vomiters and loud vomiters – Hutch fell into the latter. Somehow some accompanying noise just made the uncontrollable contractions just a little more bearable.

"OH GOD! " again and again.

_Starsky, pain and blood. Shut the fuck up with that will you. Oh no the blood. Red blood on his pants. Lots of it. _….

Another contraction, another hurl – now just dry retching.

He staggered to the basin. Scrubbing his face and rinsing his mouth – he saw red everywhere. The blood on Starsky's face, neck and chest – no external cuts. Smeared blood. Smeared by Ryan's hands.

He snagged two towels from the overhead rack. Wetting one down lightly he threw the dry one over his shoulder, braced, breathed in and walked shakily back out to the living room.

Starsky was waiting for him.

Looked right at him.

Role reversal time again. Hutch felt himself in the hot seat, scrutinized by the deep blue eyes.

"Makes ya' sick in the guts doesn't it Hutch? Not pretty huh? Not a pretty thought."

"Oh Christ….I…Starsk…."

"Don't know what to say? Neither do I. Neither do I"

He repeated the last line so softly Hutch barely caught it.

"You wanted to know what went on here today, before I nearly blew Ryan's head off? Well now you know. Would have gotten around to tellin' ya' but well –"

He went to him now. Saying nothing he kneeled on the floor in front of the couch and with the damp cool towel began to wipe away the dried blood from his face and neck. He went to the sink in the kitchen, rinsed it, and returned. He kept wiping and dabbing, moving down to his chest to sponge at the last of the streaks.

He couldn't talk. A word tried to come out but he choked on it – it lay caught, trapped and strangled in the back of his throat. He swallowed it back down but his throat was convulsing and too tight, choked with emotion that was half black searing rage and half white cold grief.

Starsky was still and calm now.

How can he be so calm now? Hutch felt his eyes mist up and was instantly angry with himself.

_Fucking not now! Deal with this now, don't lose it. Where to next? What to say next?_

"He didn't rape me fully Hutch."

No other words could have shocked him to the core like those did. His throat was still convulsing.

"He would've ya' know. I'm damn sure of that. I couldn't have stopped him ya know. He's mad, insane – he's evil Hutch."

Finally some power returned to his speech.

"I know that Starsk. I've always known that. I'm so sorry for what he did to you. So sorry."

"I could have killed him Hutch – I wanted to blow him away. My gun, so lucky to have had my gun near me – otherwise…."

_I wasn't here again. Again I was not here to help you fight this monster. I never knew he was outside waiting for you. I never saw his car or saw him watching us._

_I never told you what I knew about him from that night in the shower at the Academy. Telling you - it could have stopped all of this. I could have stopped all of this from happening to you._

"You know that I want to kill him Starsky. You know I will bring him in for what he has done to you."

He blinked away the dampness from his eyes now and let the pure icy flash of them predominate.

"I will have his fucking badge and his head for this!"

He stood now, threw down the towel and paced over to the wall. The resounding crack of his fist onto hard wood did not so much as make Starsky flinch. Typical Hutch style, thought Starsky. Throw up and then lash out with his fists.

"Not that easy Hutch."

"Why the fuck not? There's nothing complicated about any of this anymore Starsky. Not now I know, not now you've been able to say it. Ryan is mine- I will have his badge and a warrant for him by tomorrow and the rest - well I'll wait till the time is right."

More quietly now and with a surprising carefulness after his violence of just a few moments ago.

"The hardest part is over buddy. Shit! Sorry – hell I didn't mean that, of course the hardest part is not over for you but ….I meant, the hardest part of being prepared to talk about it with me. It's all going to come together now and we will get this asshole out of your life – mine too for that matter. You just have to get better – that will take time- Starsky – time to get through all of this. But you know I'll be with you every step of the way."

His partner's steely gaze and stubborn chin was starting to worry him. Hutch feared that already Starsky was going to close up on him again.

"Not that easy Hutch, and it's not gonna go down like that. I have a say in this – this is me here we're talking about here. This – this thing - happened to me".

If his voice had been quiet, if he had looked overwhelmed and defeated, Hutch would have pulled back – but Starsky's quiet and yet firm ultimatum brought him to the edge of frustrated rage again.

"It is not just about you! It happened to you sure… sure you're the one who has been victimized here Starsky. But this sick sideshow Ryan is running is about both of us. Both of us! Can't you see that? He wants both of us to go down and he is using you to make it happen. I want him stopped NOW."

He was up against his partner now again – his frustration levels reaching fever point.

"For Christ Sake Starsky what is with you and this piece of shit Ryan? What is stopping you from stopping him. Tell me because I'm getting damn tired of this game."

"I need a shower Hutch. I need to clean myself up. Will you help me?"

Hutch reached forward and grabbed his partner's arm and held it tight while he spoke slowly, emphatically.

"Starsky please, please stop doing this to me. Don't shut off again."

Starsky shook off his hand and cursed.

"He knows Hutch. Ryan knows."

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo


	23. Chapter 23

**Recap End Chapter 22**

"For Christ's Sake Starsky what is with you and this piece of shit Ryan? What is stopping you from stopping him. Tell me because I'm getting damn tired of this game."

"I need a shower Hutch. I need to clean myself up. Will you help me?"

Hutch reached forward and grabbed his partner's arm and held it tight while he spoke slowly, emphatically.

"Starsky please, please stop doing this to me. Don't shut off again."

His hand was shaken off. Starsky cursed.

"He knows Hutch. Ryan knows."

**Chapter 23**

"Knows what! What does Ryan know?"

"Why you were out of action last month. He knows about the heroin, the addiction. Not sure how much he knows of the whole story, don't know how, but he knows. He will take you down with him Hutch. Your badge for his badge. Your career for his. Your life for his. I'm not doing that Hutch. I won't do that deal."

_Oh God, this can't be happening. This man is ripping our lives apart. Just when I thought I was getting on top of this. Just when I thought I was looking forward and not back at what Forrest did to me._

His hands were back on his arms before he knew it. Rubbing, scrubbing, wiping away the scars, wiping away the filth, wiping away the craving for that hot needle. But it was not going away and Ryan was threatening now to bring it all back, sharper and clearer than ever.

Hutch fell heavily onto the chair and stared down at his offending arms. The treacherous arms that begged for another taste of the juice, held out beseechingly to Forrest's right hand man Monk, begging for just one more dose, one more mind-blowing rush of nothingness.

"You've known about this for how long Starsky? How long have you been letting Ryan pull you along by a ring in your nose because of this?

HOW LONG!"

'What does it matter?"

"This was _not_ your decision to make! That's what matters here Starsky. You said before that this thing happened to you, and I told you that it's happening to both of us. Ryan is fucking with both of us. Can't you see that?

He's using me to get to you, and you're letting him to do it! You held this from me so that I can't have a say here. I won't allow you to do it Starsky."

"Hutch, Ryan can destroy you. He will destroy you –you know that. If it gets out to the department that we've concealed your addiction, buried paperwork, covered it all up…you'll be finished."

Starsky looked pointedly at his partner's raw arms as he spoke.

"You're still not over it Hutch – you're still recovering. Christ you still shouldn't even be back on the streets and I know you are – so one word of this to the wrong person and it will be your badge on Dobey's desk as well as Ryan's ."

"I don't care! He's not going to use you – us like this. You've let him blackmail you Starsky, blackmail you with ME! You've let him use you and hurt you and it was all because of me. How do you think that makes me feel? Huh? You tell me how I should feel about that. My best friend gets done over by a sick pervert and won't do anything about it because my badge is in the middle!

Jesus Christ Starsky! "

The empty whiskey glass went flying across the table as he smashed his hand down hard and flat on the table, his heavy breath heaving.

He ripped up the sleeves and thrust his arms out, more to show himself than his distraught partner who was visibly appalled at the worsening condition of the ravaged skin around and over the needle track scars.

"Fuck these scars and what they represent. Fuck Forrest! Fuck what happened to me . I hate it all Starsky. You know what it has done to me. You know what it has already cost me, cost the both of us, what we have both gone through for , for THIS."

He looked stabbingly again at his forearms.

"And now you've made it cost me even more! You've let what Forrest did to me cost me what you went through today. You've been assaulted physically and sexually Starsky because of what Forrest did to me."

'Hutch – Hutch – Ryan did this. Not you, not Forrest – Ryan."

"But don't you understand you might have stopped it, prevented it – if only you'd talked to me in the hospital. If only you'd have told me. I'd have never have let this happen to you Starsky."

_If only I had talked to you after what had happened at the Academy. If only I had told you then Starsky. None of this would ever have happened. _

_It's no different is it Hutch? No different and yet you did the exact same thing. You held back telling him for all the right reasons at the time – just like Starsky has done now._

"It's happened now, and I can't undo that. That's what I'll have to deal with Starsky as well as you. Ryan might have nearly killed you in that alley but he has fucked both of us over today. And the worse thing is he knows it, he knows that he can use me to threaten you. Well it's not going to fucking work and he'd better know it !

He might have left you dying in the alley last time but this time he's not getting to walk away. "

Hutch took two big strides to the phone and lifted the hand piece.

"I'm calling Dobey. I'm going to set in motion what needs to be done right now to bring this fucking sonofabitch down."

He turned from his anguished partner and starting dialing, his fingers barely able to execute the actions his hands were shaking so violently.

"Put the phone down Hutch."

Starsky had limped over and placed his hand over the telephone switch hook.

Light blue fire met deep blue.

"Go and sit down Starsky before you fall down. I'm making this call and then I'm taking you back to the hospital."

"You ain't doing either of those two things. No phone call to Dobey, no doctor for me."

"So what are we going to fight over this now? What are you going to take me on here?"

Hutch saw the pinched mouth and white drawn features of his stubborn partner and was not surprised when he began to sway.

With an oath he caught him around the waist and helped him back to the couch.

"For God's sake Starsky! You're going to collapse, please just stay here. I'm going to get you some more pain medication. "

Starsky didn't argue when Hutch helped him take the pills and water.

"I want you to be checked out medically. Your ribs may be broken again, your wound needs looking at and …..and….shit…..what do I need to do with….the, well the…"

_The blood, this blood, your blood ….What are the words I use to say it ?_

Hutch was at a total loss to verbalize about an infliction that he never thought he would have to deal with in his or his partner's life.

Starsky sensed his struggle and pulled his distressed partner back from his frantic verbal scrabbling.

"Nothing needs to be done with the bleeding Hutch, it'll settle. My ribs and shoulder are ok, just sore and same with the wound. Please, I've had enough of the hospital and doctors. I don't want no doctor poking around down there either – once already today is enough. I'm not reportin' this Hutch so no need for a doctor to see it."

Starsky was flagging fast now.

"OK, OK, Starsky. But the first sign of trouble with any of …..it, we're heading back in. No arguments. Do you want me to help you to bed or clean up first?"

"I can't sleep like this, I want to clean up, to wash the stink of that fucker off me Hutch – need to shower."

"OK then let's get that done and then rest. We can talk more when you're comfortable."

As they made their way to the shower, Starsky couldn't help but think.

_Well hell that's one fight down and one to me. Now I just have to convince this stubborn headed partner of mine that he's not handing himself in on a platter to the Department._

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Showers were matter of fact sort of tasks . Showers were not difficult scenarios for either of the men. Showers in front of each other, around each other, helping each other to do so when one of them was either too drunk, too sick or too weak…..in general showers per se were nothing of note to either of them.

So why thought Hutch was he having such a hard time helping Starsky shower this time?

_And likewise, why is Starsky being so tense and tentative around me? _

It was almost unbearable for Hutch.

So many emotions and so many reactions kept getting in the way of such a simple basic task.

It started and almost ended with trying to remove Starsky's bloodied drawstring pants. The symbolism of the white cloth and the vibrant red nearly had him losing it before he even had started the water running warm.

The anger he felt rising up in himself for the what was represented by the spilled blood was almost surpassed by the anger against himself for letting Starsky see his emotional response to the blood.

_If you can't deal with this then how the hell do you expect him to - you insensitive idiot! Now pull yourself together here and get this done._

Once he had Starsky in the shower and was helping him to stand upright and wash it all rose up again.

_Don't look at the drain, don't look at the blood washing down the drain, red and bright…don't look at it. Don't think where it's coming from and why or how. Don't think. Blood from a wound like no other he had ever had to deal with before._

So what could he do? Where to focus? What to touch or look at that wasn't going to send him spiraling into mental turmoil?

Look up and see the fresh bruises? Look down and see the myriad of nip marks from teeth? Use the washer to gently wipe the residue of dried blood from Starsky's neck? Direct the spray of water to the side and see the reddened inflamed skin on his wound from ….from what for Christ's sake….what sort of man does that to another man he knows? What sort of man would mess up a fresh wound to exact sexual gratification?

The time it took to shower his weak partner seemed interminable and was directionally disproportional to the time it took to sicken him to the depths of his soul.

On the surface he was determined to be matter of fact about the task, but he knew it was all wasted energy. Starsky could read him as well as he could read Starsky and each of them was doing an equally poor job of looking like it was business as usual in the shower department.

They were separate entities, with separate agendas and mirror image behaviors.

Every time he went to touch him or help steady him, Starsky flinched and jumped. Every time he looked at him, Starsky averted his eyes.

Hutch would reach out, Starsky would jump back, Starsky would look at Hutch, Hutch would look away, Hutch would suck in a shocked breath and Starsky would attempt to cover part of himself. Hutch conveyed understanding and Starsky read pity. Starsky felt shame when Hutch was only feeling pride for his partner's strength.

An intimate activity handled caringly became a distant nightmarish feat leaving them both emotionally divorced. At the end of it both were exhausted physically and psychologically.

It was only when Starsky was dried and dressed in fresh pants that Hutch realized the next hurdle.

The bed.

He baulked at the entrance of the bedroom as he supported Starsky with one arm. They both looked at the offending object. Two minds thinking as one.

"Just pull the damn cover off will ya' Hutch…It'll be ok then."

He left his partner for a moment as he tugged on the bedcovers and pulled them loose. The overpowering vapor of men's cologne filled his nostrils. He bundled it up and tossed it out the door before the scent lingered anymore.

For one moment his friend was back in spirit, as Starsky growled under his breath.

"Who do ya' reckon would wear that stinkin' shit ? I ask ya? Smells like a freakin' French perfume shop in here."

The light laugh that Hutch let out gave them each a momentary lapse into something less grey and dark.

They looked at each other directly, eye to eye for the first time in the last half hour. The tension had been cut for at least a small time.

"Well the offending stink has been eradicated Starsk so no more excuses…bed for you. How's the pain in your chest and wound and …..um ….yeah all over? "

God help him he was not going to ask about the pain in another part of Starsky's anatomy. Starsky settled himself into the bed and moved his head around to get into a more comfortable position with the pillows.

"If you're asking about my butt Hutch….which you are but can't…it's OK…I'll live as long as you keep feedin' me those pills. "

Starsky looked deep into his partner's eyes and suddenly took pity on him.

"Hey…ya' know I'm jokin'. It's…..OK…alright…it's all gonna be OK I hope – Christ I really hope so Hutch."

"Is the pain better now you're lying down?"

"Yeah, yeah it's OK. Are you going to get back to work? Dobey will be firing up by now."

Hutch cursed openly at the light remark and question.

"Oh so this is it then. This is how you play it Starsky? Shower, rest and it's all over with. Done and OK. Move on – forget all this ever happened. Go back to work Hutch, catch you later."

Starsky looked exasperated with his partner's sarcasm.

"So you think that if I'd skipped the shower and you got to stay crazy mad, that'd be better?"

"Now you're just being a smartass Starsky. No I'm not going back to work until you know how I really feel about all of this and what I_ am _going to do about it."

"Stop hovering you're making me nervous here. I want you to stay away from the phone Hutch."

Hutch sank down onto the side of the bed.

"I won't need to phone because I've decided that when I go back into the precinct I'll be calling a meeting with Dobey and Dobson".

Starsky was feeling weary from the drugs and the warm shower was having its relaxing effect now too. But he knew that the battle with his determined partner needed to be won before he returned down town to the precinct.

There was just too much at stake here for him not to lose this one.

"Hutch don't you think that I more than anyone want to pin Ryan's ass to the wall? For what he has done to me since this whole thing started….right back to that first time he jumped me in the room at the warehouse? For leaving me for dead in the alley, for threatening me at the hospital. I owe him for so much Hutch. And now today – "

His eyes swept over the bed and if it had been possible he would have pulled away from its contours as he lay there now.

Today, before, when I held my gun on him…..do you know how much it took to not blast him away for what he had just done to me? Can you imagine how hard it was not to – can you?"

Hutch reached for him and this time he did not flinch or pull back, but relaxed under his firm comfort and steadying hands.

"I wasn't just thinkin' about takin' his freakin' badge Hutch – I was thinkin' about his brains splattered all across my bedroom wall."

"Then why are you stopping me from doing what I need to do? Surely you can't expect me to let him get away with this because I'd be worried about what he can do to my career?"

"You should be worried Hutch, 'cos Ryan is unstoppable and he won't stop till he ruins you."

" The balance is still against him Starsk. What he has done to you by using me outweighs my career – and that's my decision to make."

"OK, but what about _my_ career, _my_ life?"

For a moment Hutch looked genuinely shocked as confusion swept over his face.

"Hutch you're so hell bent on getting revenge on him that you ain't even thinkin' about this from my point of view. "

"Of course I am Starsky – I –"

"NO YOU AIN'T - YOU AIN'T THINKIN' AT ALL!"

Calmer now he lowered his voice when he saw the hurt on his partner's face.

"Hutch, somethin' like this has never happened to be before. I ain't never been made to feel like this from anybody ever. It was bad enough bein' left in that alley by my own partner, it just took away all my …..I don't know …it's like I couldn't understand why a partner would do that…to another partner. For you and me it's just never been like that – we've always just been there for each other since ever. Never had I had to look at what it meant to me to be treated like that."

And I still don't even know why for sure he did any of it."

He could see that Hutch wanted to say something but he went on cutting off whatever reassurances he knew Hutch would try to phrase. He needed to express this now without interruption.

"Then today. Oh God... Hutch "

He welcomed his partners arms folding him up, the surety of his presence encircling him.

" I couldn't stop him Hutch, he was freakin' crazy and he wouldn't stop. He wanted to hurt and to take all at the same time. I was totally powerless and in my whole life I ain't never felt that sort of fear or shame at not being able to fight him off. He'd already taken my strength in that alley by beatin' me up so good, and today he was goin' to take more of me. Christ Hutch is felt so bad to be like that, to think he could have done that to me. "

The struggle to get anymore out was hard now, his throat closing over, the fear overwhelming him and then the relief that he was here now with his partner, and it was safe – the evil that was Ryan had gone.

"I can't let him take you down Hutch, but just as bad – I won't let him take another shred of me. No one can know what he has done to me – no one , just us, you and me. You have to promise me you won't let him take anymore. I'm just hangin' on here, barely hangin' on here. Just let him go out of our lives please."

Pulling back from Hutch's embrace now he asked this question with his eyes as well as his words.

Hutch couldn't answer the question and could only placate and soothe.

"I know Starsk…shhh…I know. It's alright now. We'll have him out of our lives. I'll make sure of it. There'll be no more of this – for you. He can't hurt us anymore. "

Hutch feared that he would lose it completely any minute. Starsky was reaching for strength and certainty and he was determined to deliver it to him. Now was not the time to break apart himself.

He could feel Starsky's back and shoulders relaxing as he supported him against his chest. Eventually his breath too steadied and evened. His personal revelation had exhausted his last reserves. He needed to sleep now. Oblivion – the only true answer to emotional pain until one was strong enough to confront the pain head on.

He lowered Starsky gently onto the propped pillows and arranged the sheets to cover his bare torso. Pointedly he covered the rawest, darkest marks on his upper chest with the fold of the sheet.

Another five minutes passed. He continued to sit and wait, running everything through his throbbing head while he watched Starsky slip deeper into sleep. As he stood to walk quietly out of the room, he wondered how he was going to find it in himself to do what Starsky was asking of him.

To leave Ryan free and walking about in the very city he patrolled was beyond him.

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There was of course, no leaving Starsky this afternoon. There was no way he could risk doing that despite his declarations to him about a meeting with Dobey and Dobson.

He had hit the watershed now. Which way to go?. Everything had changed. The future was so uncertain.

So much easier on the streets where he was the cop and the perps were the target. He and Starsky ran them down, collared them, brought them in…another hard day on the dirty streets of this city…hard and dirty and rough….but clearer and more certain than all of this. More certain than the hell that Ryan had foisted upon them both.

In this hell, Starsky was a victim. Ryan was the offender. The crime had been committed. The evidence was on the floor, bundled up in a dirty pile outside Starsky's bedroom - the dirty pile of towels, bloodied pants and soiled bedcover.

He was both a witness and an involved party - the cop and friend.

But these weren't the only roles that Hutch wanted to play in this crime scene. He was yearning for more – much more.

This time he didn't want to play the cop, or just the involved party, the friend.

He wanted to be the judge, the juror and the executioner.

This watershed event had made everything uncertain.

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The call to Dobey was difficult because he needed to lie. Not that had ever been a big problem for either of them. It was a common enough occurrence in their jobs to lie or cover up when talking to Dobey especially when their personal lives got in the way of making report deadlines at work.

But this call was hard because Hutch was lying about needing to stay with Starsky for all of the wrong reasons. He was lying to himself when he never said the words he so wanted to say .

"_I need your support to bring Ryan Lancaster in for what he has done to Starsky."_

But the words went unsaid and stayed bouncing around in his skull with the force of a jackhammer.

Starsky didn't want the words spoken. Starsky didn't want all that had happened to him to become common departmental knowledge – which it would of course, in a matter of days. No matter how much department fooled themselves that their processes were tight. Cop's mouths and squad room talk would make a joke of confidentiality and procedure. Starsky's whole sordid experience at the hands of Ryan would be fodder for vending machine conversation the morning after the meeting.

Even if he was prepared to lie down his own personal pride and career status in the quest of revenge, he couldn't ask Starsky to do the same. Not when he was clearly stating that he wasn't strong enough to do.

_I wasn't the one nearly raped and beaten here, I'm not the one who has been directly victimized._

As he rummaged around in Starsky's bathroom looking for the stash of aspirin for his throbbing head he could see now how carefully Ryan had orchestrated this whole event.

Played them off - one against the other since that night way back, in the Academy shower, right up to this afternoon where he had left Starsky bleeding and scared. Leaving him unsure of everything except for one certainty. That he was not prepared to go open with any of this.

Ryan had each of them on a line and if one pulled it the other would fall down. He knew them well enough to feel complacent in the knowledge that neither of them would want to do that to the other.

Both of them were dirtied and sullied by this bastard. He had effectively put each of them in a tight corner and boxed each of them in. Each of them, damned by his actions and even more damned by the consequences if they pushed back at him.

A recovering heroin junkie in one corner and a confused, traumatized victim of male on male sexual assault in the other.

_Ryan you are the sickest sickest fucker I have come across in another human being in a long, long while._

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He had disposed the soiled drawstring pants. Favorite or not he did not imagine Starsky would ever want them near his skin again. Nor, for that matter could he stand to see them on his friend ever again either.

The linen he took put into the washing machine and set the cycle to the hottest temperature – maybe he could burn away the scent of Ryan.

Deciding to prepare a light meal for himself and Starsky for when he woke up he tried to immerse himself in the calming activity of cooking. It was always a therapeutic activity for him and as the evening settled in around him, he was pleased that just for a short while he had begun to feel calmer. It had seemed like ions since he had done such a normal, everyday activity like this – the last weeks so full of anything but normality and everyday occurrences.

The phone startled him and wiping his hands now he debated answering it. He cursed quickly as he realized the ringing would wake Starsky.

Snatching it up quickly off the hook he used his customary brusque telephone etiquette.

"Lo – Starsky's phone."

"Not surprised to catch you there Hutchinson. Come over to finish what I started did you? Was it good? How does it feel to know I've been there first – before you – first blood was mine."

Within seconds the small pocket of calmness that he had found in the kitchen, was ripped away and the torrent of unbearable rage was back. Sweat slicked off his hands as he gripped the hand piece so hard he thought for sure it would crack. His vision blurred with a pounding so hard behind his eyes he could feel his pulse in every vessel of his head like a racing thudding drum.

"You fucking filthy perverted piece of shit. Sonofabitch excuse for a human. Starsky should have shot you between the eyes when he had you in his sights. "

"But he didn't did he Hutch? He didn't and we both know why."

"No. You tell me why Ryan."

"Oh because he is running scared now. Scared of everything that he is now – that everyone will find out that he is – after us, what we've had together, him and me."

"You've had nothing with Starsky except assault and attempted rape. You will go down for it too Ryan."

"Well ask Starsky if that's what he wants. I'm not too sure about that – homosexuality in the force – you yourself tried to tell me all about what that would do to my career all those years ago at the academy didn't you Hutch? Not nice for Starsky, not nice at all when all those boys in the backrooms find out about him and what he likes to do with other officers."

"Why are you doing any of this you sick twisted fucker? What is in any of this for you? Do you just like shaking your cock around or is it about getting off on ruining other people's lives? Try to explain it to me Ryan because I've been thinking about this for a long while now. Do you just want me to come and get you, this time not leave you breathing when I've finished smashing your face down to raw meat. I'm dreaming about it right now Ryan – how many punches till they can't tell who you are when they pick your body up from the ground? How many bones can I break in your body with you still staying conscious to feel the pain.

It's a sweet sweet dream Ryan and I'm hoping Ryan, I'm really hoping that it might come true for me."

The laugh from the other end of the phone was more forced now and Hutch could sense he had rocked the snide contempt, pushed the imagery enough to shake the unshakeable.

"Think you can manage all of that while you're still so weak from your illness Hutchinson? That was a nasty bug you picked up a while back. Really knocked you around – everyone is commenting on how sick you've been looking since it happened. I told Starsky I was especially worried for you. Did he tell you that? He's still worried too, more than anyone about how sick you've been. What was that virus again? Is it still in your system? Still in your blood? Running through your veins Hutch? "

The laugh again – back now and sinister.

"Bet you still wish it was eh? Bet you'd love to have that poison back in your veins – sweet poison wasn't it Hutch? Still craving it?"

"Ryan my addiction is not on the page here. Take it where you want. I have no problem with you doing that if it then means I can take you down too. "

"Oh such brave, proud words. But what if that's not what Starsky wants for you? He's really worried for you Hutch. I know he doesn't want all of that nasty heroin story to come out about you. And here I was thinking that you should be so lucky to have such an honorable friend in Starsky – prepared to cover for you all the way. But now I can see that you're doing the same thing with him – both such honorable men aren't you? What a fucking great pair! Both of you caught in the headlights by each others mistakes and neither of you prepared to let the other take the hit. "

"Neither of us made a mistake Ryan. Not Starsky, nor me. No mistakes – just sick , evil losers like you messing in both of our lives.

But you're right on one thing Ryan…yeah you're spot on with it and you'd better know it, because you're going to be feeling the force of it soon enough. We are there for each other, Starsky and me - always have been, always will be. Nothing will get in the way of that loyalty. You'll never have that Ryan will you? I think that's what this is all about isn't it? Since we met in the Academy. You've wanted what you think we have, what you'll never have with anyone because of what you are. You're all screwed up in the head trying to work us out and to understand it and now you're trying to get in the middle of it. That's why you want Starsky – not just for himself but because you think that by taking him you can break the both of us.

But you don't understand us at all Ryan – and you've always underestimated us.

You think you've won something with what you've done here today with Starsky. Proved a point to both of us? Think of this…you are just one…we are two…but we are one force Ryan, and when you mess up with either of us you get to be on the receiving end of that combined force.

You just have to be patient Ryan. These things…like good friendships, strong and loyal partnerships….they take time. But in the end it's worth the wait. You'll get to see what you've underestimated in us. "

Last words.

Hutch replaced the phone back on the receiver and turned away.

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	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Hutch replaced the phone back on the receiver and turned away.

"Keep provokin' him like that and you'll push him too far Hutch. He wants to get to you and to ruin you and you're just pushin' him to make the move."

Starsky was leaning weakly against the doorjamb to his bedroom and looked thought Hutch even more downtrodden than before his rest. Impossible to believe that he could look worse – but then the evidence was right there in front of his eyes.

" Why are you up?"

"Perhaps it's because I can hear you losing it out here on the telephone and I thought I'd come see what all the commotion was about."

'It's like I said to him Starsky, it doesn't worry me that he is threatening me with the Forrest stuff but I can see that it worries you and I've heard what you've said to me earlier. I just can't understand entirely where it's coming from with you. It's not like you to roll over for this sort of shit. You've let Ryan get under your skin, you're letting him play you."

Starsky walked over and all but fell into the chair.

"Maybe you haven't been payin' attention but he's already played me - several times already. I can't take no more of it – no more. I ain't got one more bit of fight left in me and I don't want you to keep fightin' for me either."

"And what – you think this sick bastard is just going to walk away and leave us both alone?"

His partner looked hopelessly defeated.

"Perhaps, who knows? I just want him to keep away from me and to leave the two of us just get back on the streets doin' our jobs with both of us having a badge in our pockets and a gun in our holster – both of us. You keep takin' him like ya' doin' Hutch and one of us is gonna be short a badge and a gun. Hard to play street cop without either. So I'm askin' ya again – shelve it. All of it.''

The look again. The look that was part pleading, part scared and part threatening.

This - all of this - just stays with us."

Hutch squatted down in front of him now and looked directly into his eyes.

"Starsk – are you - are you afraid of him? Is this what this is about? Are you afraid of Ryan after everything he has done to you?"

Was he looking for reassurance here? Not likely as he was already quite sure of the answer to a question that didn't really need to be asked. Starsky face and body language told him that before he even replied.

"Afraid of him after everything he has done to me? No – that has just made me sick in the guts. But afraid of him for everything he _could_ do to me – you have no idea of how much Hutch. No idea."

"Starsk….."

The firm but familiar knock on the door and the singsong soulful voice that was Huggy interrupted his next words. His partner's brutally honest answer had shocked him.

"Stay here…I'll let him in. He said he was going to come around this evening to welcome you home."

Starsky didn't argue but instead stood.

"I want to put some more clothes on – grab him a beer and I won't be long."

They greeted each other at the door and Huggy's jaunty character filled the room immediately, his bright mood and language coloring the almost leaden dismal mood that was still hanging in the air after Starsky limped out.

"So how goes my favourite curly haired one? Not here? Aw shit…is he asleep? Hope I haven't gone and woken him. Sorry Hutch just thought I'd drop in before it gets much later and wish the man a welcome home."

Hutch kept his voice low.

"No he's awake – just changing. He's had a rest but not sure it has helped all that much. He's still so flat – just …. – well just so unlike himself."

"Hell man, he's not really superman even though I know he sometimes thinks he is – he's been through a lot this last week and he's gonna need time to heal up and get himself back into shape."

Hutch lowered his voice another few octaves.

"No, I'm not talking about his physical health here Huggy – of course that's going to take time. But it's just – he seems to have almost lost his – well he's whole personality is very unStarsky like. Just no fire, no spark. This has knocked him so badly and I'm only now starting to understand how much.

Hug, I'm really worried about him."

"Hey – he'll get there. He'll pull through this Hutch. This is Starsky we're talking about here – he is one determined and feisty cat. He's just takin' some healin' time and lickin' his wounds, lyin' low for a while till he can catch up with the world. Getting' knocked around pretty damn bad by your bad ass partner who ya' trusted would take the spark out of anyone – even the famous indomitable Starsky.

Time is the only thing he needs Hutch. Time and some of my good homegrown cookin'. Once he's a bit better you gotta bring him into my place and I will start putting the glow back in those lily white cheeks."

"Yeah well, I 'm already trying to cover that one tonight by preparing one of my own wholesome meals for him. So if you want to hang around you can catch some dinner with us."

"Hey man I know your cookin' is not so bad so I'll say yes to that. Got the girls watchin' the bar for me for a coupla hours anyway."

Huggy cast an eye over to Starsky's bedroom door and added more seriously.

"Wanted to let you know that we had a rowdy guest at the bar earlier this evening – just before I came here."

"Oh? – "

Starsky walked out at that moment, dressed now in worn soft jeans and a loose sweater with a soft collar pulled up. Hutch was careful not to look too hard at his neck to see whether the collar had done the job of covering up the fresh bruises and bite marks.

"And, here's the patient himself – free finally from his hospital shackles!"

He let Starsky and Huggy greet each other while he went to the fridge and got beers out. He threw one to Huggy, wasn't surprised to see Starsky decline the offer and took his own into the kitchen to continue getting the light meal underway.

Despite Huggy's lighthearted banter and upbeat manner with Starsky he could see the mild shock on his lanky friend's face when his took in the gaunt and pinched look of the "patient." He too was no doubt comparing how much worse he looked since he last saw him in the hospital. If anything he needed those hospital shackles that Huggy had been referring to more than he did two days ago.

After the initial words of greetings and hugs Starsky quickly withdrew into silence and Hutch felt compelled to keep the conversation going for Huggy's benefit. He knew that he was already sensing the gravity of the mood in the room and he knew that it wouldn't be too long before Hug would be asking some questions that Starsky would not be happy to hear.

"So Huggy, you were about to tell me about your rowdy guest in the bar tonight?"

"Oh yeah man, so I was. Well – it was none other than Mr. Bad Cop himself – the man we all love to hate for what he did to Starsky, leavin' ya' in that bad neighborhood for dead."

The saucepan Hutch was handling clattered loudly into the sink as Huggy's piece of news sunk in.

"Ryan was at your bar? Tonight?"

Starsky's visibly jolted and paled even more. Hutch didn't miss the reaction. Huggy went on.

"Huggy's Bar is not his usual preferred drinking spot so I was a little surprised to see his pretty face there and had to let the other staff serve him – it was a difficult moment I can tell you. Came in with a few other cops and seemed in the party mood. Shouted some rounds and claimed he was out celebratin' or somethin'. Musta' had a big cased close or whatever."

_Or fucking whatever. This guy is priceless. Celebrating! Motherfucker of all time. Celebrating what he'd done to Starsk. He knew that Huggy would tell us – another one of his sick moves. Starsky will be dying over this. Hug why oh why did you have to come and tell us this now?_

"Who knows with that asshole? Yeah probably a case and he wanted to brag about it to anyone who would listen. Knew that if he hit your place it would get back to us – about his success with the case. "

_Knew that it would get back to us – that he had been toasting victory over his attack on Starsky. Celebrating his claim to "first blood". _

Hutch couldn't bring himself to look at Starsky's face. The air between the two of them was thick and heavy and it was all Hutch could do to keep moving forward with the basic task of trying to get the meal prepared and to keep his eyes on anything but the two people in the room.

He couldn't look at the pain on his partner's face and dared not see the confusion on Huggy's.

In the middle of all of this he was dealing with his never abating seething anger toward a man who, just as Starsky had said – wouldn't stop.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

An hour later and Starsky had given up any pretense at being interested in the food Hutch had served him. Even before his feeble attempts to push the meal around his plate without actually ingesting even a small amount of it, he had withdrawn to only monosyllabic responses and non-verbal responses.

The simple task of sharing a meal with their mutual friend had taken on the dimensions of a challenge proportional to the simple task of the shower earlier in the afternoon.

When would simple life tasks ever seem simple again?

Hutch's face had begun to show the strain of trying to juggle the psychological triangle of two friends - himself at the apex. The two men seated at the table with him had different agendas but were each wanting him to provide something different for them. Starsky's anguished silence was beseeching him to keep what Ryan had done from anyone but the two of them - every time his dead eyes caught Hutch's he felt it. Huggy was fast getting to the point where he was soon going to explode with what was so evidently written on his face – that '_what the fuck is goin'_ on _here_ ' sort of look.

In the end Starsky put them all out of their misery by quietly slipping away to his bedroom. Now that he was suddenly gone the vacuum left from his silent presence at the table was deafening to Hutch's ears.

_Don't look at me like that Huggy. Don't. There is nothing I can tell you here to take that look off your face. _

Suddenly the need to clear up the table became a pressing task for Hutch.

"Well I guess we've both had a long day, getting him home from hospital and settled back in. He's just still so unwell – but the doc assured me this is all normal – this – this, ah –"

"This hurt down to the soul? Is that what ya' tryin' to say here Blondie? Cos that is what I've been looking at for the past hour in Curly's face. He's hurtin' bad, real bad and pardon me for pointin' out the obvious here, but it's soul pain ya' dig?"

Hutch exhaled.

"Yeah. I dig Hug. He's hurting and I feel like there's nothing much I can do about it. I told you earlier – when you came in. Ryan has really done a number on his head with what he did with that beating."

Huggy gave him a long, long look with his big brown eyes.

_There isn't a lot that those eyes haven't seen in life and on the streets. I'm not fooling anybody here but …I just can't share any of this with you Hug._

"You're right – you're both tired from this whole bad deal so I'll let ya' turn in and give ya' both some space. Thanks for the meal Blondie – don't worry 'bout him not eatin'….rest and sleep are more important. Once that one gets his appetite back you won't be able to keep it up to him. Want some help with the clean up?"

"No, no I'm just goin' to leave all this and make up the couch."

The two of them walked to the door and both of them looked toward Starsky's door.

"Hug, you know I…"

"Hey – its cool. It's cool. Huggy knows that if you can't handle whatever it is you're tryin' to handle here that you'll seek out the wisdom of my greatness." He gave Hutch's shoulder a pat and a squeeze.

"But I've got a feelin' that this is somethin' you two need to work out together – and hey, ya' ain't never failed to do that so long as I've known ya' both."

The look on Hutch's face was wistful and a little frightened.

"Let's hope that your wisdom has served you well on that one Hug. I really hope you're right – and Hug?"

"Yeah, my man?"

"Thanks for not trying to help me because you're right – it's something I do need to do with Starsky."

As the tall thin black man waved him off and walked down the stairs he called lightly back up to him.

"Hey Hutch – I'm thinkin' that next time rowdy Ryan comes to my fine establishment I'll be saying that I'm discerning 'bout the sorts of customers I allow on my premises and that he ain't in that caliber."

Neither of them found the joke particularly funny and Hutch knew that his friend's flippant comment was full of serious intent.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

When Hutch closed the door on Huggy he debated whether to go and check on Starsky or leave him alone for a little while longer. In the end he cleared up the kitchen and made up the couch, with one ear attuned for any movements or sounds from the other room.

When he finally went to the door and pushed it open quietly, the room was lit only by the bedside lamp and Starsky appeared to be deeply asleep. He was curled up on his side and still fully dressed. Deciding against trying to get him under the covers, he carefully removed his shoes and pulled a spare blanket from his bedside drawer draping it loosely over his still form.

The lamp he left on and the door he left open.

Despite the fact that he doubted he would find sleep himself tonight he fell onto the couch with physical exhaustion seeping through his bones.

He lay there, waiting to see if sleep would come to claim him anytime soon – because its dark envelope was the only hope he had to wipe away the image of Ryan's sardonic face from his over wired brain.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Dobey's office door was closed when he came back into the squad room in the late morning. He had been out on patrol – following up two leads on a still live felony case that Starsky had been working on during his own extended leave. He'd hit the streets early that morning after checking into the precinct before their usual customary shift clock on. This was partly to make up for the time lost for all of yesterday and mainly to stop himself having to look worriedly at his partner for one more moment.

He'd had a fitful sleep during the night and had risen early to put an end to the torment of chasing a state of consciousness that was always a few steps ahead of him. He knew that he would have to wait for total exhaustion to eventually overtake him. Only then would he find the state of oblivion he so yearned for since this whole nightmare had begun.

Although he would have chosen to remain with Starsky, he knew that in the long term it was not only viable nor practical but also would be detrimental to both of them. Starsky needed some space and so did he. The problem was that they needed space for different reasons and that was what was making them so stressed with each other. Starsky wanted it in order to disappear further into himself and he wanted it to find a way to stop his partner from doing exactly that - totally withdrawing.

As he drove off that morning he couldn't help but think that the two of them had virtually gone full circle since the day he had collapsed filthy, sick and hooked on heroin – in that dusty laneway.

Starsky had been alerted by Bernie the uniformed patrolman and raced into the side street to find him there, curled into a writhing, agonized ball. Although he had no clear memory of that particular day as it was all a sea of pain and misery for him, he knew that as soon as Starsky would have found him, the circle would have begun. The circle of trying to make everything better for him. To make the pain go away, to lessen the ordeal, to shoulder some of the hurt. The inevitable overprotectiveness would begin as was always the way with the both of them and would continue on as it did until Hutch returned to work that fateful day when Ryan had walked into their squad room and re-entered their lives.

Then, when Starsky went undercover with Ryan, the circle continued, but each of them changed places and now it was his turn to be the worrier, the protector, the one who was trying so hard to step on the all the right squares so as not to push the other one away with the need to make things right.

It was the just the way they were. They were a highly functioning, tightly efficient unit – two of the best detectives in the city, held in good regard and respected and known for their dual competencies and singular prowess as one solid partnership.

The cost of this professional status however was met by the tax on their personal relationship. As best friends and blood brothers their allegiance to each other kept them in a state of flux – never settled, never complacent about each other's safety, needs, and threats to each other's well being.

In short, they lived a life of danger and survived it only by dying a little bit each day for each other.

Some days they needed to demand more of themselves to survive.

Some days like all the traumatic days they had both had for the past weeks, they were dying more than a little for each other.

Hutch wondered how much more of it they could both take.

Throwing his coat on the back of the chair he settled down to make a few phone calls. Looking at his watch he resisted the need to make the first one to his partner.

_More time, more space – that's what he's asking for so give them to him. If you don't it's going to be just like it was for Starsky a month ago when he was giving you the exact same treatment. _

Staring vacantly at the phone he cringed at some of the memories of how he had treated his friend during those difficult weeks. He had been so hurtful and so demanding of him – needing him desperately and yet pushing him savagely away at the same time.

"_Keep back Starsk – I'm warning you – keep back and let me do this. I need to do this myself."_

Weren't they almost the same demands that Starsky made on him this morning?

"I need some time to break this down in my head Hutch. I haven't even had a chance yet to understand what it all means to me. Just please – go to work – get on with ya' day and leave me be. I'll be fine today- the door will stay locked, the phone unanswered unless ya' do your usual three ring signal to me. But – I just need to have some time here today by myself. No doctors, no nurses and no you fussin' around and worryin' .

So go to the precinct Hutch and work up your open cases, pick up somethin' new – do whatever it takes so that ya' have your mind on anythin' but Ryan and what you want to do to him. OK?"

The door to Dobey's office opened then and the big captain swept out into the squad room, his eyes landing on him.

"So Hutchinson, you're back. In my office now – we need to talk."

Phone calls put on the back burner now he moved into the Captain's office.

"So have things improved with Starsky today that you've been able to come into work? You sounded concerned yesterday on the phone."

"Yeah sorry about that Captain, its just that after I got him home from the hospital, well I just didn't feel that he was well enough to leave at home by himself. But yeah - thanks , he's better today than he was yesterday."

_God what a liar you are. Getting better every day with your performances_.

"Well why in God's name did you let him get discharged? The two of you are always trying to take shortcuts with your medical treatment. Should have made him stay a while longer until he was stronger. Looked terrible when I saw him the evening before he was discharged."

_Hell if you thought he looked bad then - he looks a damn sight worse than terrible now - after yesterday's horror feature. _

"That's Starsky for you. Doesn't like hospitals and I guess I just give into him."

"Hmmph. Well hate to tell you this Hutchinson, but whether he's in total good health or not, you've got to get him down here late this afternoon for a brief recap meeting with IA. Simonetti wants to make sure that he and Lancaster have their reports in order before Kalzo goes in for pre-trial later this week. The department has been holding out as it is and I'm getting pressured now to get this meeting under way. I know it's not the best timing, but it will not require any physical effort from Starsky and I'll make sure it gets wrapped up as quickly as possible and that you can him home again to rest."

"What? Are you talking about a meeting today – later this afternoon?"

"What am I speaking another language here? That's what I said Hutchinson. This afternoon. So you're going to have to get that partner of yours bundled up and down here in …." He looked at his watch "It's eleven now, and Simonetti is coming in at four – so that should give you enough time to get him and bring him down here. Lancaster will be over from the nineteenth as well, but we'll meet here as it's closer for Starsky."

"Wait – you mean the meeting is going to be with Simonetti _and_ Ryan Lancaster?"

"And Dobson, and myself, that's right."

"I don't think so Captain."

"Are we having some sort of communication breakdown here Hutchinson? What in hell's name are you talking about – have Starsky here by four pm sharp."

"Captain I don't want him meeting with Ryan. It's just too much for him."

" Look I know that there is some ill feeling probably floating around since the undercover job and the way it all ended so badly – but this meeting is imperative and besides, it's not up to me to decide who meets who when the IA is stomping all over this case and the Commissioner is waiting on the final reports. The Kalzo bust was a big one and we need to get it shored up and fast. Personal feelings just don't come into the equation."

"Ill feeling. Personal feelings. Is that what you and Dobson are calling it now? Ill feeling since the undercover job? Captain, I ask you, how would you feel if this was your partner who was left to die at the hands of another cop during an undercover assignment? And how do you consider Starsky should be feeling about it all, just over a week since it all happened?"

"Just like you're saying', between the lines – damned upset and damned awful. But that doesn't change anythin' Hutchinson – IA still wants to get this interview done and it still needs to be done – and it will be done this afternoon. Unless you want to tell me that Starsky is too sick to attend - which means that he should be still under medical care at the hospital and in which case I would be arranging for that to happen if I find out he is unfit to be home. Am I making myself perfectly understood now?"

Hutch chose to omit a response to his Captain's firm rhetoric.

"You know I'll be at the meeting."

"How did I know that was going to be the case I wonder? You know that Simonetti won't like it – but then again –" he half smiled " When did Simonetti ever like anything you two do ? "

He went on,

"I don't care if you want to bring him in cuffed to you – just whatever it takes to get his ass down here and in this office for this damn meeting ok?"

Hutch stood angrily and shoved his chair back into place.

"And don't go giving me that threatening look Hutchinson – you know how the department works and you know that I can't always control things to go the way you'd like them to."

Hutch was at the door now.

By the way… that young Rookie that you know down in Dispatch – what's his name - ah -?"

"Riley. His name is Riley. What about him?"

"Well he's biting at the bit to get goin' on his career. Has expressed an interest in eventually doing his Detective exams in the future."

"Yeah, I know."

"He needs to get out on foot patrol soon as he can to get some time under his belt. Needs a senior officer to train him up. Just letting you know that I don't have any one here in this precinct for him so I may need to let him transfer in the next few weeks. I know he is not happy about leaving here because he seems to have decided that you are his role model. Dobson has an opening for him so he'll be moving on to the nineteenth if he is interested in taking up the offer of the Traineeship."

"Well its his life – he can decide what he wants out of it. He'll do well as Detective when he toughens up a bit and the streets are the only way that it's going to happen for him. I'll let him know that it's a good opportunity."

"Ah – hmmm- well maybe not your idea of a good opportunity."

"What? How could it concern me?"

"Well the only single senior officer at the nineteenth for the next few months is Lancaster. He has put up his hand to take Riley under his wing to prep him up for the streets. I got the feeling that you might not be feeling too good about Riley's career choice when you heard that one."

"Ryan Lancaster put his hand up to take Riley on? From another precinct? A Rookie from this precinct over to the Nineteenth?"

"I believe that is what I said the first time."

"You've got to be kiddin' me?"

Dobey had already gone back to shuffling his papers around his desk and picking up his phone to make a call. He had already closed his mind to the last comments about the Rookie that Hutch knew and now cared about.

That Ryan also knew.

Of course he did. Ryan made it his business to know all there was to know about Starsky's and his lives.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

**.**

**.**

Starsky hadn't said a word since they had left his home for the meeting.

A nod, a shake of the head, a shrug – but not a single utterance.

Not one word. Not one grunt, moan, or a wince. Not even, thought Hutch, one single complaint or whine about his beaten up and dirty car. This alone had brought Hutch's worry levels to the maximum. It was a given law of the partnership that Hutch's car and Starsky did not mix. Even at his lowest ebb, his sickest, Starsky would always manage to conjure up the strength to find fault with any number of its many shortcomings.

The only noise was the rattling of his scarred up, embattled clunker and not even the shoddy suspension was enough to elicit a complaint or a grumble from Starsky. Despite the fact that Hutch was usual solicitous self and concerned as much as he ever was for his partner's physical welfare and discomfort, he was sorely tempted to take a corner too sharply or hit a pothole, anything to get a sound from his mute, dead eyed passenger.

After receiving his orders from Dobey, he'd wasted no time getting back to Starsky to deliver him the bad news and to give him as much time as possible to prepare himself mentally for the requested interview with Internal Affairs and Ryan. Imparting the message that he was required at a departmental meeting later that afternoon was not easy and he was loathe to be the bearer of such a big ask of someone who had only been discharged from hospital the day before. But worse, far worse than the prospect of having to tell Starsky about the meeting at Headquarters was the imbedded threat that the meeting came complete with Ryan Lancaster in joint attendance.

It took him over half an hour to come clean with the details. This was not a piece of news he coped well with so he could only imagine how it was going to affect Starsky.

Arriving back at the apartment Starsky didn't even look surprised to see Hutch walk in. It was almost as though he realized since Ryan's unplanned attack yesterday that his partner was going to become a virtual fixture to his side.

He had moved from the bed and was lying down on the couch with the television screen flickering – the sound muted, staring at it but not seeing it. When Hutch openedthe door after tapping out his knock and turning the key, the form on the couch barely seem to register him.

Hutch made coffee and some sandwiches for them both and chatted inanely – or so it sounded to his own ears – aimless, stupid chatter to fill the void his silent partner seemed to be producing since the afternoon before.

The coffee was accepted, the sandwich sampled and pushed back onto the plate and the void remained. For a guy who never usually shut up Starsky was perfecting the art of saying very little and Hutch knew that he himself was perfecting the art of over- analyzing every word Starsky wouldn't say.

In the end he just said it. After all he had to get Starsky down to the station or Dobey would be only making matters worse for them.

'There's going to be a damn meeting! That's why I had to come back here now – to get you ready to come into the precinct. Dobey, Dobson and Simonetti are staging some pre-trial report review meeting to move the evidence along against Kalzo and his men. I'm sorry, Starsk, but I had to be the one to come get you and prepare you for the – well – the – Christ, might as well tell you now - Ryan is going to be there as well. Ryan will be at the meeting with you. I'm so pissed about the whole thing but Dobey won't budge on it – says you have to be there and so does Ryan."

The mention of Ryan had Starsky's sitting up slowly.

"He's – Ryan's gonna be there? At the precinct?"

"I'll be at the meeting with you Starsk. You don't have to say anything to him or take anything from him. Simonetti has us in a corner on this one and unless you're prepared to say something against Ryan we can't do much about it – they need to corroborate your statements for the pre-trial."

He looked carefully at Starsky again – trying to gauge if this would be a shifting point for him. Would he change his stance now given that the real world with Ryan waiting in it for him was coming up to hit him full in the face?

"So –what do you want to do buddy? I'll support you all the way if you decide to take this to Dobey before the meeting. Open the whole thing wide open – what do you say?"

Starsky pushed up and walked away from the couch and Hutch.

"I'll go and clean up and we'll get going. It can't take too much to run through our statements. Sounds like a formality."

In his wake the silent void was back.

Hutch just put his head into his hands and muttered an oath of despair.

Starsky was well and truly stuck and he could not pull him out of the hole he was digging deeper for himself with each passing hour.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Hutch parked his car out the back in the precinct garage and stood beside Starsky as he gingerly climbed out of the battered car. Automatically he reached to support and steady his partner but Starsky lightly shrugged him off and just pulled awkwardly at his sweater. Hutch noted how he had dressed in the high turtleneck sweater and his heart lurched for him as he realized he was desperately trying to conceal again the fresh bite marks on his bruised neck.

As they approached the rear entrance to the building he thought for the tenth time since meeting with Dobey earlier that this whole concept of a meeting of this caliber was premature for his weakened friend and about as traumatic as any event could possibly be for a victim of a recent crime.

He had to keep reminding himself that it was only three people however who were aware of any crime other than the 'staged' alley fight to preserve the integrity of one cop's cover and the overall coup of a drug bust that had been months in the making.

Dobey had no inkling of the real significance of this meeting for Starsky and nor for that matter did Dobson and Simonetti. Ryan however would be in all his glory and that thought had Hutch biting down so hard he tasted his own blood.

He knew that he was yet again putting himself into a triangulated situation – the bearer of sick secrets and the one who needed to keep each party happy enough to get through the meeting without having his partner totally annihilated by the exposure to his attacker.

As they walked down toward the squad room he was acutely aware of his responsibilities and taut with adrenaline. Part of him wanted to grab his best buddy's arm and high tail it out of there. The other more animalistic part of him was dancing on the balls of his feet just waiting to sense Ryan. It was not long before the scent of the kill caught his nostrils.

The sudden increased tension in Starsky was proof that he too could sense his enemy's presence. The sickly cloying stench of the expensive male cologne was probably not noticeable to anyone else, but for the two detectives it was overwhelming.

All Hutch could think of was the soiled bloody bedcover and the stench of the cologne that had tainted Starsky's skin. The scent on his neck and face, mingled with Starsky's blood.

_The blood of a violation. _

There was a small group of them clustered around the water cooler near the swing doors to the squad room.

Ryan was holding court.

Two uniformed patrolmen were lightly laughing at something he was saying, a female administration officer was looking admiringly at his long body and striking face, but for Hutch, the biggest shock was Riley.

He was standing there also.

The young officer looked up suddenly as he sensed their approach down the hall. Springing back a little he projected discomfort and his usual flushing embarrassment. When his eyes found Hutch, he attempted a shy welcoming smile but then quickly looked uncomfortable – almost guilty to be found within this small gathering.

Guilty to be standing with Ryan.

Ryan did not hesitate or break the flow of what he was saying in his smooth seductive tone. But, Hutch knew instantly when he became aware of them. His eyes belied his awareness of them but he knew they had come in - and when he raised his smooth deep voice a little louder, it was for their benefit.

"So Riley, like I was saying, there is a hell of a lot you can learn down around the Nineteenth. Maybe it's not quite as lowdown and dirty as around here – but it's a great place to start off. The streets down around the nineteenth are a little less gritty so you'll get a softer start and it'll probably teach you more about investigative work than just busting asses. Down here around metro that's more along the lines of what you'd be doing. More grunt and muscle and less detecting work."

The dark eyes swept now over the two approaching detectives and he turned to include them in his lime lighting speech.

" I'm sure these good boys here can tell you all about the filth outside these doors hey Hutchinson?"

The other officers seemed to be hanging off his every word, his deep velvety voice almost hypnotic and his penetrative eyes holding his audience rapt. Only Riley to whom the conversation was directed looked ill at ease.

"I'm sure Riley already knows about the sort of filthy scum we get coming inside these doors too. Stinking filthy scum that you can smell from the moment you walk in that rear garage door there. Just as well he gets to learn how to use grunt and muscle because it's part of being a steady cop and he'll need it so that his partner can count on him."

The other officers shuffled and looked uncertain. Hutch's comments sounded left of center and uncharacteristically harsh for him. Their sharp tone left Ryan's face darkening and the little group looked suddenly wary of the vibe between the the blond and the dark detective.

"Was just telling young Riley here that I'll be happy to show him the ropes. I know a thing or two about breaking officers in.

Starsky, you can vouch for me on that one can't you? "

He laughed now, joking lightly to the others but looking directly at Starsky.

"Taught Dave everything I know while we were undercover and even though he is one damn fine experienced cop, there's always more to learn isn't there - Starsk?"

Hutch subtly touched his partner's arm and looked toward the swing doors , talking silently to him as they did.

_Go. Go. Don't look at him. Don't let him do this to you. I'll handle him._

The crowd was now pulling away. Suddenly the threat in the air was too close and the words were all wrong. All of them knew that Starsky was as or more experienced than this guy from the Nineteenth and Starsky's failure to respond to the light banter was ominous.

"Baker, Fitzsimmons – what no reports to get filed at this time of day? Nothing better to do than hang around the cooler and listen to egotistical rants from the visiting precinct?"

Hutch growled out the insulting reprimand and the two uniforms looked suitably put in their place.

"What - don't they have junior officers down in the nineteenth for you to brag to Ryan? Long way to travel to get a bit of fan worship going."

Hutch turned now to Riley who was doing his best to disappear into the woodwork.

"Riley – haven't you got work to do in dispatch?"

"Ah, Yes Sir. I was just umm, meeting Sargent Lancaster up here at his request Sir."

While Hutch had been delivering his caustic words Starsky had continued on and into the squad room. Exactly as he had planned.

As Riley walked past him Hutch softened his curt words to him by touching him lightly on the shoulder and giving him a light wink.

"And Riley, don't believe what you've heard about the streets outside these doors. I'm sure you'd cope very well and there's as much scum down at the Nineteenth as you'd find anywhere. In fact I think the scum down there is far worse."

Riley's face was instantly suffused with pink happiness and relief.

Ryan straightened up and snarled at the man who had just denigrated him so effortlessly.

"So who the fuck are you Hutchinson? Lord and Keeper of the precinct? Like to have everyone bowing to your orders hey? Sure you do – particularly one curly haired sergeant. Bet he bows down to you all the time."

With a smirk he pushed through the squad room doors and left the tall blond breathing deeply and forcing his fingers to unfurl from his tightened fists.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Hutch followed him in and took in the room. There was only a couple of other officers at their desks.

The door to Dobey's office was half open and his and Dobson's voice filtered out. In the far corner of the squad room Simonetti acknowledged Hutch as he entered. He was thumbing through paperwork.

Ryan had positioned himself next to him and was leaning on the far wall

staring fixedly at Starsky and then back up at Hutch with a grazing smile.

Starsky was at his own desk, slumped in his chair, fingering a pencil and looking down at a point on the floor.

Hutch was dismayed that they were made to wait in the squad room, assembled like this, and was all for suggesting to Starsky to go back out into the hallway, when Dobey put his head out and motioned for them all to come in.

Simonetti went in first, Ryan moved toward the open door but waited. He waved his arm as if to allow Starsky and him to pass through. Starsky moved forward and as he passed the doorway Ryan's eyes travelled slowly down his form and settled on his hard round ass tight as it always was in skin hugging worn jeans. He looked up and smiled at Hutch – knowingly and slowly. Once Starsky had moved past him ant into the office Ryan flicked his tongue over his parted lips and gave the softest of moans.

Hutch moved up quickly to him and paused for one second – the others were murmuring inside the room.

To an observer it appeared as if he was putting his hand on his colleague's shoulder in passing - a friendly acknowledgement. But the hand that came down on Ryan was not friendly and he dug his fingers into Ryan's upper arm savagely, softly hissing.

"I'm here now Ryan and I'm watching his back – who's watching yours?"

Starsky was seated on the chair nearest the window and Hutch put himself on the arm of the chair, flanking his partner, so that he was between him and Ryan and Simonetti who were seated on the other side of the room. Dobson sat on a chair around the side of Dobey's desk.

It was a very warm afternoon and Starsky looked unseasonably attired in his high turtleneck sweater. As the men all took up their positions in the room Ryan took the first opportunity to needle Starsky.

As he passed by him Ryan commented.

"God Starsky you must be hot in that turtleneck! Why would you want to wear something like that on a day like this?"

All eyes turned to Starsky now and he visibly shrunk into his chair.

Hutch quipped and sneered. Dobey caught it straight away. The Hutchinson sneer was a tough one to meet head on and he was wondering how a light comment like Ryan's could have brought it on.

"Not enough to do down there at your station Ryan? You sound like you might be moonlighting as a fashion editor now. Wanna comment on all of our outfits? That's a nice three piece Simonetti's wearing over there – got something to say about it too?"

Simonetti glowered at Hutch and the awkward moment for Starsky had passed.

"Captain Dobey – I am not entirely sure why you think it is necessary to have Detective Hutchinson present at this meeting. It does not concern him and his attendance here is superfluous. "

As Hutch went to speak, Dobey held up his big chubby hand, giving his blond detective a warning look.

Dobey's dry response was frustrated – he had been down this road too many times with the IA and his two best detectives. There was no love lost between them and it seemed it always came back to him to referee their often highly geared antipathy towards each other.

"Whatever concerns his partner, concerns him Simonetti. Thought you would have worked that one out by now. It's not bucking any procedure having him here. We're all privy to Starsky's and Lancaster's reports on the Kalzo case. So lets stop wasting time with point making and get on with this - ah meeting."

_Thanks Dobey. Can always count on you to put the IA in their place_.

Hutch lightly saluted Simonetti and said nothing.

Simonetti didn't look impressed.

"Alright all we need to do is to go over the reports that you have in front of you here –" Simonetti handed around typed copies of the two detectives statements and tapped them with his elegant hand.

"Just ensuring that we have a sound and tight case against these men when it comes to the pre-trial early next week."

Dobson spoke up now.

"Well the interviews were all duly recorded and the statements have been signed off on – what do you need to go over here Simonetti. I didn't note any discrepancies."

Simonetti , Ryan and Dobson talked through some points on the statement that he had dictated.

Hutch was aware of Starsky not seeming to be taking anything in, not really being in the meeting in his head but body alone. Just as he had been with him at home since Ryan had paid him the visit. He sat , rigid and straight backed and looking at a point near the window. Hutch lightly touched his arm but received no response. The tension in his body was palpable.

Looking up his caught Dobey's eyes on them both. Dobey big dark face looked both curious and concerned. He gave his blond detective a puzzled look before turning back to listen to Simonetti.

"And so, Detective Starsky do you have anything to add to what Detective Lancaster has been reiterating here about the events of the afternoon when Kalzo ordered him and his nephew to take you into territory you had been running in?"

Hutch words dripped sarcasm.

"Oh you mean when he was taken into the territory he had been working in order to try to kill him? – Oh sorry, that's right - in order to kill him as part of the whole setup of course."

Dobey and Dobson glared at him.

"Sorry captains , just clarifying that point in the statement with Simonetti."

Hutch was visibly bristling and was aware now that he was moving his tall frame around on the arm of the chair to strategically block off Ryan's direct eye contact with Starsky. He could see Ryan trying to get Starsky to look at him but with Hutch's body in the way it was useless.

"Hutchinson! I should have warned you before the meeting – this is not your place to call on the statements. Now keep your commentary to yourself."

Dobey was starting to sweat and his big body shuffling uncomfortably in his chair.

Ryan silky deep voice drifted across the room.

"Starsky and I outlined everything very clearly in our reports. Was there anything there that you had a query about – Captain Dobey? Simonetti?

He looked directly at the two other detectives now and challenged with his black flashing eyes.

Something specific anyone wants to address here today?"

For an eternity it felt like Hutch and Ryan stared each other down.

_Yeah I'd like to address who it was that blew Starsky's cover? Why is that not being explored more closely? Why did you beat him to within an inch of his life, stab him and then not even try, not once, to get word to us that you had left him there in that alley?_

_I'd like to address why my partner is sitting here like some half dead emotional zombie with fear in his eyes every time you look his way you fucking shithole excuse for a cop. _

_I'd like you to address why you keep putting your clawing hands all over Starsky's body and leaving him a psychological mess._

_I'd like you to address why you ripped him apart yesterday and left him bleeding and shaking._

_I'd like you to address why I shouldn't kill you now, this minute with my bare hands Ryan. Right now. Here - in this room with everyone watching as I do it._

He was building himself up into a raging furnace and he had to stop it now before it all erupted out of him and into this small claustrophic room that currently housed him and Starsky on one side and their nemesis on the other.

And then the erupting anger subsided and he felt it. The pull of self disgust and inner guilt.

_I'd like to address myself. Why is it that I am sitting here as Starsky's partner, best friend and blood brother and not saying a thing to stop all of this from happening?_

_Is it enough to remain silent just because he has pleaded with me to do so? _

_Someone has to address all of this right now…..because I'm running out of enough reasons here Starsky ….running out of the strength not to stop all of this right now._

Dobey's familiar voice cut through his self absorption and he looked up to see their captain, his big bulk leaning over the desk and looking more closely as he spoke carefully to his brunet detective.

"Is there anything you would like to add to your report Starsky? Are you happy with the sequence of events and the nature of the operation as has been outlined here by yourself and Lancaster?"

Nothing forthcoming, Dobey went on to add.

" This is the opportunity now for - both of you- to let us know if you want your statements, your report to reflect anything differently to what we have here in front of us."

A pregnant pause filled the room – that damn silent void again, thought Hutch, and the pause had him on edge.

"_Come on Starsky. Come on – lay it out. Put this asshole where he needs to be. If not for what he has done to you privately, what he did to you in that alley. Tell them that you don't know how you were made, how your cover got blown. Tell them that you felt Ryan was trying to kill you when he attacked you._

_Tell them! Stop trying to protect me."_

He purposely didn't touch him then, knowing that to do so would draw attention to the two of them and what the contact was conveying. But he looked at him as only he could look at him – partner to partner. Starsky caught his eyes – the look was held – and Hutch knew – he was not going to say anything.

"It's all there in our reports Cap'n. Black and white – just like we told you. Ryan had to do what he did. Sure I don't feel happy 'bout bein' slugged and knifed, but better than bein' shot between the eyes."

Hutch could not get him to look at him no matter how hard he held the gaze.

"It's all there and it's like we both have said – it was a tough call for Ryan – and yeah, it was tougher for me to take it. But we're here ain't we? We're alive. Kalzo's ring got busted. Mission accompolished. Take it to the Legal Eagles – our job is done."

Hutch sucked in his breath and looked away. No longer could he watch the dispirited depths of Starsky's eyes and see the quiet fear that lay beneath the mask of nonchalance.

But looking away meant that he found Ryan's victory smile and suddenly the room was all too much for Hutch. He implored his captain now .

"Look do you mind if I take my partner out for a short break to get some air. Captain – you know he's still far from recovered and I just want to make sure he's ok before we – continue."

He pressed down hard now on Starsky's forearm and forced their eyes to lock again.

_Don't you dare let me down now buddy – we need to talk. Now outside._

Simonetti was getting irritable.

"Oh come on Hutchinson! This is just a meeting. Hardly taxing to Starsky. Are you fine to continue Starsky?"

All eyes were focused on Starsky and then he finally turned his curly head effectively breaking his line of visual communication with his partner.

"Ah yeah – I'm good - Hutch I'm good to continue – or finish if that's all there is? I'd prefer to get this damn meetin' over so I can get outta here and back to bed. If that is alright with all of ya'? "

Hutch let his hand that had been holding his partner's forearm drop away.

_Have it your way Starsky. _

_I can't do anything more for you._

_Not while I continue to let you lie….._

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Ten minutes later they all stood to leave. Dobey cleared his throat.

"Ahh – hmmmm – Starsky if you can remain for a while please. I need to go over some leave papers with you."

Hutch stopped in his tracks as the other three filed out of the door.

He looked questioningly at his Captain. Starsky was as he had been for most of the meeting – withdrawn and unresponsive – Dobey could have been asking him to hand in his resignation and it would have made no more of an impact to his steely but highly strung silence.

"Uh – Hutchinson – I'd prefer to have a word with my Detective privately if you don't mind. And yes, before you say it – I know you do mind– but this time – my word wins. Wait for us outside. I'll send Starsky out when we've ummm- covered what we need to here."

The big captain raised his eyebrow knowingly at Hutch and then swept his eyes back to the mute brunet slumped now in the chair.

"Good then. I'll be outside if either of you need me. Thanks Captain."

_Dobey's nailed it. He knows there is more to this than Starsk will let on him. Thank God for his intuition. Now just get him to do what I can't. Get Starsky to tell you what Ryan really is – the true monster that he really is. _

Hutch shut the door behind him. Through the glass doors he could see Simonetti and Dobson conferring over paper work in the outer hallway – a cup of coffee already in each of their hands.

But he was shocked to find Ryan seated at Starsky's desk – in his chair.

_You sleazy pervert, get your sick ass out of Starsky's chair before I kick it out._

" Tidy little meeting eh? Don't really know what the whole point of it was do you? Starsky's report and mine are exactly the same and it's all filed and signed off anyway. Why drag us all in here? Especially when Starsk is so unwell. He looked terrible in there. Bruises all over his – well – I can only imagine where the bruises are. And he looked so – well Hutch – I have to say he looked darned frightened. Sort of scared. I feel terrible. This whole undercover job was just too much for him."

Hutch moved in close and stood over him. He said nothing just stood – tall and foreboding as he stared down at the man seated under him.

In a while the threatening body language was too intense. Ryan stood and looked the blond directly in the eyes.

"Do you think Hutch that he will ever be fit to get back on the streets again when he's like this? This could be the job that breaks him – breaks his spirit. God I hope not. Because his spirit is real hard to break Hutch – somehow I must have done that to him."

"Ryan, why do you think that Dobey asked Starsky to remain in his office just now? Hmmmm? What do you think the two of them might be talking about? Maybe you're partly right Ryan. Maybe you have done something to Starsky's spirit and he has decided to try to get himself back into shape by dealing with what put him in this place. ….."

He jabbed his finger deep into Ryan's chest now.

"And that'd be YOU Ryan. You're the one who put him in this place. Dobey's a good captain Ryan. He knows us both really well. My guess is that he has started to work out that Starsky's not too happy about that report he filed with IA.

It might be signed off on but it sure isn't sealed. That's what this little meeting was all about this afternoon Ryan.

Christ! You must be feeling pretty damn vulnerable right about now."

Hutch kept looking back at Dobey's door and than back at Ryan.

"Yep any moment now that door might just open and Dobey will come crashing out – you should hear him when he's fired up Ryan. He'll start yelling for Dobson and Simonetti to get back into his office. He'll need to start a fresh investigation on you Ryan – when he finds out that you're a sick pervert cop who likes to try to kill other cops when they don't want to get fucked by him, and then likes to attack them when they're weak and injured. Gives your cock a hard on doesn't it Ryan? Forcing yourself onto man who are too sick to fight you off. ?"

Ryan steeped back a couple of paces and his eyes were full of fire.

"And you know what I'm starting to think now Ryan? I'm thinking that Dobey might bring up that file on your partner at the Nineteenth – the one that walked out on you for no apparent reason. Maybe he's followed up on him Ryan. Followed up the talk that floats around your own squad room. The reason why you've got your fucking perverted ass down here today and telling your desperate water cooler stories! Because everyone in the nineteenth – even Dobson I should think – is starting to think that you are not very well. "

He was pushing his chest toward him now, crowding his personal space and glaring at his handsome but uncertain face.

Ryan was backing up toward the squad room doors. Out of the corner of his eye Hutch could see Simonetti and Dobson still out in the far end of the hallway. He lowered the voice that had been steadily rising.

"You're sick Ryan. How long before you thought Starsky would open up about you? Do you seriously think that I'd let him stay quiet because of what happened with me and the Forrest case Ryan? Yeah, so you know about the heroin or you think you do. But it doesn't matter to me and guess what Ryan as loyal as Starsky is to me I know him a hell of a lot better than you do."

"If Starsky was going to say something he would have done it well and truly by now. "

Ryan countered.

There's no way in hell that he'd let a sick fucker like you do to him what you did and walk away. You think you've got him in the corner now but it won't last Ryan. He's stronger than that and stronger than you and me. He'll fight back – like I said to you on the phone last night – its just a matter of time. You just have to wait."

"You're fooling yourself Hutchinson. I saw your boyfriend's face in that meeting. He's running shit scared of me now. I've had him – well not quite – I'm sure you know all the details – and after that taste of him – I'll have him again."

In an instant Hutch was on him. He pulled him roughly around to the other side of the filing cabinet against the wall. Using his own tall body he rammed him Ryan's back hard into the metal corner of the cabinet and Ryan let out a stifled yelp.

He knew then that he might overstep the mark. Simonetti the IA suit was still outside in the hallway. In a moment his own badge could be on Dobey's desk but the pulsing in his head was back. The red curtain was in front of his eyes. He was slipping again into a state where self-constraint was beyond his power.

One of the seated uniforms he knew well started to come across to him, his face alarmed and his eyes on the official in the hallway , warning Hutch. He stopped in his tracks and then took a few steps back when Hutch threw him a sideways narrow glare.

His focus back on the man underneath him Hutch pressed his face up against Ryan's and used his knuckles to push his fist deep into his lower guts.

"Want to push back Ryan. Want to jump me? Go for it. I'm prepared. I'm happy to have Simonetti come in here right now. Or Dobey to walk out of that office. Ask us a lot of meaningful questions. I'm waiting for it Ryan and I'm ready for anything. I will take the risk - my badge against yours. Are you ready to take the gamble? Lose your career because you can't keep your dick in your pants? "

He pushed his knuckles in further and applied more pressure so that the metal corner of the cabinet dug into Ryan's back.

"No? Not prepared to put your career on the line just yet?

Well than, remember that Ryan. Remember that you like your career and name as tough Detective Sargent of the Nineteenth Precinct. Because if you ever, ever touch my partner again Ryan, I swear that it will be the very last thing you get sick joy from.

If you look at me now you'll know , you'll surely know – look in my eyes Ryan. Can you see it there? Can you see it in in my eyes?"

He held the other man's long black hair now and as Ryan tried to shake him off, he pressed his mouth to his ear and whispered.

"The certainty Ryan. The certainty that if you ever go near Starsky again - I will kill you."

The fact that Ryan paused for a moment, and then turned abruptly on his heel and slammed out of the double doors did not really surprise him in the end. He had made his choice and it was clear.

He was not prepared to push Hutch any further. Not prepared to call Ryan's bluff.

He had taken Hutch's threats and walked away.

Through the glass windows he watched as the tall solid dark haired cop, swept past Simonetti and his Captain and down the hallway toward the outer doors.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Ten minutes later he was still waiting.

He prowled about the squad room, the other officers now watching him warily and keeping their distance. They knew him well enough to know when to leave him alone.

He could hear movement inside Dobey's office now and knew that the meeting was drawing to an end.

Hopefully his captain had been able to get somewhere with Starsky.

The door opened and his partner walked toward him, not meeting his eyes.

Dobey was behind him and one look at him told Hutch it had all been a futile effort on his captain's behalf.

"Hutch give me the car keys will ya"? I'll wait in the garage for ya."

"Starsky?"

"The keys Hutch." He held out his hands and finally looked at him. Eyes now that had something else in them other than deadness – there was anger there now.

Fresh and raw.

He snatched the keys from Hutch's hands and didn't respond when Dobey called out to him.

"Dave – wait, bring Hutch in here and we can talk this through."

Dobey's distinctive use of his partner's Christian name reserved by their captain for times of severe emotional stress told Hutch all he needed to know about the new anger in his partner's eyes. Dobey had called him on the case or his feelings about it and Starsky had left him concerned - very concerned.

But he was gone and Hutch was left again staring at swinging doors.

oooOOOoooOOOooo

"Again you two are having private parties and not letting me in on the full picture. How the hell do you expect me to support the two of you when you always play it like this? Huh? Damn it to hell!"

"Captain – I – can't….."

"Can't what Hutchinson? You two sit in this meetin' lookin' like ya both in some other time zone or something. Starsky looks like death warmed up and you – you look like you needed to be put in a damn straitjacket or you'd be rippin' out Lancaster's heart with ya bare hands! And now – the two of you – the worst of it now – the two of you – on opposite sides of the fence."

"I know Captain. He just won't let me help him – since the undercover job went wrong – with Ryan – he won't let me help him and I don't know what to do."

"Hutchinson that is not the issue here so don't try to pull that number on me. The undercover job did not GO WRONG. That is what this damn meeting just told up isn't it? The statements both agree – both the same Hutchinson. Lancaster and Starsky have signed off on it. But I'm starting to see now and you already know full well – that is not all that is goin' on here with the three of you – you two and Lancaster!"

"Did he – did Starsky talk to you at all? Say anything?"

"Sure he did – he said plenty with his refusal to tell me anything. I gave him every opportunity Hutch. Every opportunity but he has closed off. I figure you already know that. Trouble is, I'm his captain and I can't have an officer in the shape he's in back here, or back on the streets. You know that Hutch. "

"In time he'll come good. He just needs time to deal with it all."

"First of I don't agree with that and nor do you. He's going down deep Hutch – you're losin' him and you can't help him now. He needs help – professional help. Maybe this trauma with Ryan and his undercover job has just pushed him too far – maybe there's more to it than you're ever goin' to tell me .

But it's my call. As his captain I get to do that, not you."

"What are you saying then? That Starsky needs to get some therapy, counseling? I know that, but he refuses. You know him and that sort of thing." Hutch was dreading where he knew this was going.

"Well then that's just too bad because this time I'm overruling him totally. Anyone can see he's not fit for work, not now and probably not in a month's time. He has refused to agree to any sessions with the department shrink."

He looked sharply at Hutch now.

"I have suspended him until further notice and conditional on his seeking professional treatment."

"Captain – "

Dobey stood and swiped at his perpetually sweating brow.

"I'm sorry Hutch, but I think you know I'm calling it right here. You are now down a partner and on the basis of what I saw here with you and - well – after today's meetin' and sensing how you feel about Lancaster, I've reviewed my decision to send Officer Riley over to the Nineteenth with him.

I'll set the paperwork up. As of Monday you'll have yourself a trainee street cop. Riley will roll with you for how ever long it takes your hard headed partner to take care of what's eating him up inside. Until such time – he'll be no good to you out there on the streets and he'd just be a sitting duck himself."

Hutch fell back heavily in the chair, dry wiping his tired face and rubbing too hard at his gritty eyes.

He knew that everything that his Captain had just said was right.

He knew that Starsky was in a very bad way and in a very bad place.

He knew all of that.

But he also knew that he had no idea how to deal with the hurt and angry Starsky who may or not be waiting for him outside in the station's garage.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

Hello Faithful Readers.

Well here we are. We have arrived…..at the natural end to this story.

Do we need a Sequel, a Part 2…..hmmmmm?

One thing for sure is that the Writer and the Muse need a rest. The Writer is heading off to Italy for a few weeks but she fears that the Muse will continue to plot and scheme whatever lies in stall for the evil Ryan and Kerrys2Boys.

**Leave them alone Ryan!**

**New Note to Readers September 27, 2012.**

**OK I am now going to let readers know that we have not finished this story yet...but just had to break here while a previously planned trip put itself in the way of the flow of the production of the story.**

**The second part of this story is going to be posted as Then Neither Can He ...it continues on from the storyline but not being sure when I could get the chapters up we left the first part of the story close here. **


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